by R. H. Hull
Rebecca thought for a moment, “Yes! It was wonderful! My first official kiss by a boy! And, it was the most special boy in my life! The one I have dreamed of kissing me!”
Sarah pulled into the driveway of Rebecca’s family farm and parked by the back door. “Oh, Rebecca! You are so brave—wicked, but brave! But we need to talk later. I want to hear all about your evening. I mean, was it wonderful? Did he hold your hand? Did anyone from our community see you? Oh, I have so many questions! When can we get together again to talk?”
“I will see you at church on Sunday morning,” Rebecca replied. “We will find some time to talk there. Or, you can come over on Sunday afternoon and we can go for a drive. Oh, I wish I had my own car! I would feel much freer to do what I wish!”
“I wish I did too,” Sarah replied. “I feel funny always having to ask my parents if I can use their car. But they are good about letting me use it when they are not. So, I guess I can’t complain too much.”
As Rebecca left Sarah’s family car and ran to her house, her mother and father were in the kitchen sitting at the table in their usual places. “What gathering was held at our church this evening, Rebecca? We had heard that a young people’s meeting was being held.”
Rebecca, thinking quickly, responded, “Oh—there was supposed to be, but Sarah and I heard that there was no meeting. So, Sarah and I went to get a soda in town.” Rebecca felt her face burning as she lied directly to her parents.
“But,” her father continued, “one of our neighbors saw Sarah’s parent’s car in our church parking lot sitting next to another black car, and a young woman of your description was getting into the other car. Were you meeting someone?” he asked directly.
Rebecca thought quickly and continued her lie, “I was just telling one of my friends ‘hello’. That is all, father.” Bravely she asked, “Do you have any more questions, father? Sarah and I were just having a nice evening together. There is nothing wrong with that!” Looking down, wondering how she had mustered her final remarks to her father, and trying to avoid his accusing looks, Rebecca left the kitchen and quickly walked to her room.
Her father followed her up the stairs and to her door before she had a chance to close it. “Is there something you are not telling us, Rebecca?”
“Nothing, father.” Rebecca’s father looked sternly at her, saying nothing more.
Rebecca closed the door to her room and lay down on her bed. She felt ill. She had never lied to her mother and father before. Now, lies were coming repeatedly, all because she could not be with Jacob in any other way other than through deceit! What was she to do? The easiest solution would be to simply tell Jacob that she could not seem him again! But she did want to see and be with him again! So, that was not the solution.
She could not forget the tender kiss that Jacob had placed on her lips. It was wonderful! She wanted to be with him—openly, without lies, without deceit, without pretense! She wanted her father and mother to be aware of her deep feelings for Jacob, to accept Jacob as a person—a good person who comes from a good God fearing farm family in their community, and to feel that it was acceptable for her and Jacob to be together to go to restaurants, school events, and to church—both his and hers, and even come to family dinners! Why cannot her father understand? Why could they not accept Jacob as the person with whom she wants more than anything else to be?
What could she do to help her father and mother understand that just because his family did not belong to their Mennonite faith, it did not mean that his parents, his family were not good people? Jacob was nicer, gentler, more accepting of others than the young men of the Eden River Mennonite church. Jacob had even changed his car to fit their standards, he had removed the collars of some of his shirts, was growing whiskers around his chin with no mustache to the degree that a nineteen-year-old young man can so he would not stand out when he entered their community. He had done these things and more in order to see her the few times they might find that circumstances were favorable enough to be together!
Chapter 19
A gentle knock was heard at her door. Rebecca replied to find out who was there. Her mother answered, “May I come in?” Rebecca paused, and then arose from her bed and opened the door.
“Your father does not know that I have come upstairs to see you,” her mother said softly. “There does seem to be something wrong,” her mother said after she sat down on the corner of Rebecca’s bed, “And, I am wondering if you would like to talk about it.” She again began to stroke Rebecca’s hair as she did when Rebecca was a little girl. “As your mother, I truly feel that something is wrong, Rebecca. Can you tell me about it?”
Rebecca was still laying on her bed, her face hidden in her soft pillow. She was quiet for a few moments, and then began sobbing into her pillow. Her mother put her hand on Rebecca’s shoulder and rubbed it softly. “You can tell me about it, Rebecca. I know when something is bothering you, and I will try to understand if you will only tell me what it is.”
Rebecca ceased crying for a moment, and then looked up into her mother’s kind face, tears still flowing from her eyes, “Oh mother! I have done something awful!”
Her mother replied, “I’m sure that whatever it is, it is not as bad as you think it is.”
“But it is!” Rebecca replied, “It is that I have lied to you and father! I have never lied before, and I promised myself that I never would!”
“Then,” her mother said in a reassuring tone, “It must have been for a very important reason. We have always trusted you, Rebecca, and we know that you are a good and trust-worthy young woman. Can you tell me what the problem was that caused you to break your vow of honesty?” as her mother continued to stroke Rebecca’s hair.
Rebecca wanted desperately to tell someone, and she felt that her mother would understand, or at least try to. So, she began. “Father, as you well know, has told me firmly that I am not to see Jacob Swenson—ever. But I am a young woman now. I am eighteen, moving on to nineteen years of age. In our community, young women my age are often either engaged, committed to someone, or married! But I was allowed to continue my education rather than being bound to a husband and a home on a farm.”
Rebecca’s mother continued to look kindly at her daughter, nodding knowingly as she continued, seeming to know where her daughter’s confession was leading.
"Mother, I feel deep down inside that I love Jacob! He is a fine young man who comes from a strong church-going family who are prosperous farmers and have been here for many years in our community. The only difference between Jacob’s family and ours is that they belong to the Methodist church rather than our Eden River Mennonite faith. Father does not appear to be able to see beyond that single difference!
“Jacob is not biased against us, nor are his parents. His family knows our family from afar and respects us. Jacob and his parents are trying to understand why he and I cannot go out on dates together—to a basketball game at school, or to have something to eat at a restaurant together, or go to church activities. Jacob has tried to understand, and has even changed the color of his car, taken off the shiny chrome hubcaps, and has even tried to dress like the other young men who are members of our religious Order including growing whiskers on his chin so he won’t stand out as not being from our religious heritage!”
“Jacob is willing to do these things for me, mother! And, he is willing to accept me for what I am and how I must dress—with plain dresses, dark hose, my cap, plain shoes, and no makeup on my face, when the other girls at school look so pretty in their beautiful clothes, beautifully styled hair, their painted lips and cheeks, and stylish shoes. He doesn’t seem to mind how I look. He just wants to be with me because of who I am! That means more to me than anything else he might say or do!”
“Oh, mother! Why must father be so firmly against my seeing Jacob?” Rebecca said in a rush of emotion, as she looked pleadingly through tear-filled eyes into her mother’s kind face. Her mother smiled lovingly into the eyes of her daughter, and continued to l
isten, for Rebecca was about to confess her lie.
“Mother…” Rebecca started to say and then fell silent for a brief moment. This was the moment of truth, when she would find just how tolerant and understanding her mother was. Rebecca, tears flowing again, began her confession, “There was nothing at church this evening, which you already know, nor did Sarah and I go out for a soft drink together!” Rebecca, speaking through her sobs, confessed, “The car I was seen getting into belongs to Jacob! Sarah, being my best friend, agreed to pick me up from home, drive me to our church parking lot where I was to meet Jacob, and then to pick me up after Jacob and I went to a restaurant in Cambridge, Kansas, twenty miles south of Eden to have a soda.”
She continued, “I was miserable and scared because of how deceitful I had been in making up the lie about going with Sarah that I could hardly talk to Jacob! I wanted it to be a wonderful evening of being alone with Jacob! But it wasn’t at all! Then, at 8:30 pm, Sarah met us in the church parking lot and drove me home.”
“Oh mother,” Rebecca cried, “I felt so happy that I was with Jacob alone so we could talk freely, and we even held hands! But, mother, we both felt so guilty that I had lied to you and father so we could be together, that we both felt awful—at least I felt just awful! I felt so guilty! All I could think about was what if Jacob and I were seen by someone from our church, and if they had told you or father! And, then I thought how wonderful it would have been if Jacob and I could have been together to enjoy each other’s company—without feelings of guilt—to be with each other without fear of being caught by someone from our church, or you, or father!”
“I just had to tell someone about what I did! I knew I could not tell father about my lies. Somehow, though, I felt that you might understand. I hope that you will forgive me, mother. And, if you cannot, I will try to understand.” Rebecca looked down, nearly dreading her mother’s response to her confession.
Her mother was silent for a few moments. Rebecca wished that she would say something! The silence was deafening! Finally, her mother began, “Rebecca, I do understand that you want to be with Jacob. He seems like a fine young man. And, I know his family. They are good people. I know his mother best. She is a fine woman, and I consider her to be a friend. I know that your father does not seem to realize that you do not want to be with some of the available young men from our church. I would not want to be with them either. He just doesn’t see them from a woman’s point of view.”
“But what I am trying to understand is why you lied to your father and me? It was such a deliberate lie! On the other hand, as I think about it, I can understand your frustration and your sense of urgency to be with Jacob even for a little while to show him that you care. And, I appreciate your sense of guilt. I love you for confiding in me, and that you felt that you could confide in me without reprisal. I am thankful for that, and I want you to know that I am happy that you desire to be with such a fine young man.”
“I am, however, unhappy that you lied to your father and me—that you contrived such a story that you and Sarah were going to a gathering at church that you said was cancelled, and so you and Sarah went to town for a soda, knowing all the while that you were lying to us! That behavior, as you know, is not acceptable in our house, nor in our Mennonite faith! We do not lie, no matter how justified it might seem at the time!”
Rebecca replied, head down, eyes closed, “I know, mother. I felt so very guilty, and so did Jacob when he found out. We both felt so guilty that we were hardly able to speak to each other when we were having our soda at the restaurant. And, I could hardly look at you and father when Sarah brought me home.”
“You must ask the Lord for forgiveness, Rebecca,” her mother said. “I do forgive you, and I know that you feel guilty enough that you will not lie again. Is that true, Rebecca?”
Rebecca looked at her mother and said quietly, “Yes, mother. I will not lie again. And, I will ask the Lord for forgiveness, although I know that He already realizes how guilty I feel. But, mother, what can I do to be with Jacob? Will I ever be allowed to see him? Father is so biased against any young man who is not of our specific Mennonite Order! Am I to simply leave our family in order to be with Jacob? What am I to do?”
Her mother thought for a moment and then said, “Of course we do not want you to leave us! But somehow we must convince your father that there are others in our community who are good upright people who are not of our Mennonite Order—if we can.”
“Yes,” Rebecca agreed, “If we can. But, what can we say? What if he will not change his mind? Then?”
Her mother replied firmly, “We will have to think of something else.”
Sunday morning at church, Sarah moved quickly to Rebecca to ask how things went at home after she brought her back home from being with Jacob on Friday evening. Rebecca told her how a friend of her father had seen her leave Sarah’s car and climb into another while they were in the church parking lot, and how she had lied over and over again to try to convince him that she had done nothing but tell a friend “hello,” that the youth meeting was not held, and that she and Sarah had gone for a soda in town. She also told Sarah how she had gone to her room and cried because she had been so deceitful and had openly lied to her parents, how guilty she felt! She told Sarah about her mother coming to her room to talk without her father knowing it, and that she had told her mother everything.
“Even about my involvement?” Sarah asked anxiously.
“Yes,” Rebecca replied, “even that you helped me.”
“Oh, Rebecca! Now, I will be in terrible trouble with my family! What am I to do?”
Rebecca assured her that her mother would not tell her parents, that she understands the nature of the evening, and will do whatever is in her power to assure that neither her father nor Sarah’s parents will know what occurred. “I told my mother that I would never willfully lie again. I told her how awful I felt, but that more than anything else I wanted to be with Jacob openly, not through hiding or deceitfulness! She does seem to understand, and said that somehow, we must convince my father that it is OK to see an upstanding young man such as Jacob. I also told her that I feel I love him.”
“You told your mother that you love Jacob? Oh, Rebecca. You are so brave! I don’t think that I could ever be as brave as you have been!”
“Yes, you will be, Sarah,” Rebecca assured her. “When you find the young man who you love, and who loves you in return, you will be brave. I know you will be.”
“Oh,” Sarah replied breathlessly, “I hope I can be if I have to. I want to be like you—brave and tender and loving all at the same time!”
Chapter 20
Monday arrived, and Rebecca spotted Jacob who was waiting near the entrance to their high school. When she saw him, she ran to meet him wishing she could throw her arms around him, but could not at the entrance to their high school.
So, instead, she whispered loudly, “Jacob, I must talk to you,” with some urgency. Jacob walked quickly toward her and looked at her with inquisitive eyes. “I told my mother that we were together last Friday night. I had to! I felt so guilty. But she seems to understand, and although she was very unhappy that I had lied to her and father, she said that she would help us to be together as much as she can, to the degree possible.”
Jacob looked relieved. “Last Friday night I think I felt about as guilty as you did, Rebecca. I wanted to be with you, and I wanted to talk with you. But, in the end, I really was so concerned about your being discovered, and so concerned about your situation that I found that I couldn’t talk very much. I felt so badly for you. I was afraid, as you were, that someone would find you there in the restaurant with me.”
“In the meantime,” Rebecca replied sadly, “We will only be able to be together at school, but perhaps not as secretively as we have in the past since mother knows, and my brother Tom likes you. He looks upon you as a very good and respectable young man. We will have to be together as much as we can here at school, and hope that thi
ngs will change at home. My mother is trying to determine what the next step will be. I know that God is watching over us, and something will happen that will allow us to be together without fear. I know it will. I have good feelings that it will.”
“Thank you, Rebecca,” Jacob replied as he looked deeply into her eyes. “I want to hold you close to me and kiss you, and tell you of my love for you. I want to be able to do that, to show you how I feel!”
“But you do, Jacob Swenson. You do every time you look into my eyes. I can feel your love, and it makes me feel so full of joy that I could burst!” Rebecca smiled and looked intently at Jacob. He could feel her love, as well.
The weeks slipped by as Rebecca and Jacob continued to meet at lunch time at school to eat their sack lunches together. They had the opportunity to talk before and after school, between Jacob’s choir rehearsals and Future Farmers of America Club meetings, and Rebecca’s Home Economics Club meetings, his track practice, and other after school activities.
Some afternoons after school when her brother Tom had to stay later than usual, Rebecca was to go to her grandmother’s house to remain there while she waited for her brother to drive her home.
On one such day, her grandmother volunteered to pick her up from school to drive her back to her house, but Rebecca told her that she had a ride, that someone had volunteered to drive her to her grandmother’s house. She had secretively asked Jacob to drive her there. She felt that such a drive was innocent enough—just a drive to her grandmother’s house so her grandmother would not have to get out and do it herself. She was getting along in years, and Rebecca rationalized that it would be a help to her.
On that day when school was over, Jacob drove Rebecca to her grandmother’s house, and since they were alone in the car, they talked for a few moments. While the conversation was interesting, it seemed to lag, and it eventually ceased. The car was filled with silence, and all that could be heard was the sounds of breathing by Jacob and Rebecca. Rebecca looked longingly into Jacob’s eyes, as he did into hers. Being alone together seemed a very natural part of their life right now.
