The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag
Bun in the Oven
Jennifer L. Hart
Copyright
2017 Jennifer Lynn Hart
ISBN 9781521231784
Cover design by Janet Holms
All rights reserved.
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. To obtain permission to excerpt portions of the text, please contact the author at [email protected].
All characters in this book are fiction and figments of the author’s imagination. For more information please visit
jenniferlhart.com
or
laundryhag.com
What critics are saying about Jennifer L. Hart's books:
"WHO NEEDS A HERO IS a wonderful story of two people who made their share of mistakes during their lifetime but seem to complete each other."
—Sizzling Hot Book Reviews
"Ms. Hart writes all genres with ease and I enjoy her books but my heart will always be with Neil and Maggie because I am a total sucker for the Happily Ever After."
—The Reading Reviewer
"A must read for all people who love a good mystery and a jolly good laugh...laugh out loud funny."
—Black Orchid, Cocktail Reviews
"A wonderfully fun whodunit"
—ParaNormal Romance.org
"Laugh out loud funny, realistic characters, snappy true to life dialog, and a sufficiently difficult mystery; all the required elements for an excellent read."
—Manic Readers
"I would not hesitate to pick up another of Ms. Hart's works as she definitely made me with one book a lifelong fan."
—Joyfully Reviewed.
"Jennifer L. Hart gives readers a contemporary love story constructed by two achingly real main characters."
—Coffee Time Romance
The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag:
Bun in the Oven
Baby on Board!
MAGGIE PHILLIPS IS beyond ready to have her new baby so life can get back to normal. Unfortunately, “normal” for the laundry hag is a relative term. When a neighbor goes missing, Neil begs his wife to stay out of it and focus on the upcoming labor and delivery, but Maggie can’t help but poke around into the man’s life out of habit and curiosity. But when the neighbor’s body is discovered stuffed into his own freezer and his wife and new baby also go missing, it’s up to the very pregnant laundry hag to clean house and get to the bottom of yet another misadventure, even if the killer is closer to home than she ever imagined.
Murder, scandal and industrial strength juicers. What more could a mom-to-be need?
Contents
Copyright
What critics are saying
Baby on Board!
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Other books by Jennifer L. Hart
About the Author
Chapter One
“Boys, you’ll miss the bus,” I waddled forward, two paper sacks containing lunches proffered for the ravenous little beasts that were sometimes mistaken for children. “Hurry up!”
“Can’t you drive us?” Josh asked as he sprinted down the hall, wearing only one sock on his left foot.
“Sorry sport, I have a doctor’s appointment this morning.”
“Another one?” Kenny grumbled as he emerged from the bathroom looking not much better than he had going in.
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Did you brush your teeth?”
His hazel green eyes slid away. “Maybe?”
“Sniff test,” I ordered.
Obligingly he opened his mouth and breathed. In my mind’s eye a green cloud emerged. Thankfully, I was past the nausea stage of pregnancy.
I wrinkled my nose. “Phew, dragon breath. Go brush. Quickly.”
He scuttled back to the bathroom.
“Mom, where’s my other sock?” Josh called, as if I had a freaking clue.
“You’re not gonna put mommy through this kind of stress, are you Baby X?” I rubbed my swollen belly. It was a nice thought, that the mysterious third child would be the easy one of the lot, who did what he or she was told without ever talking back. I snorted. Good one. Dream on, Laundry Hag.
The sound of thundering feet alerted me a second before disaster struck.
Atlas, the large Great Dane mix who never walked if he could run, galloped down the hall. I flattened against the wall. Well, as much as it was possible for a woman who was nine months pregnant to flatten, and wrapped my arms protectively around my stomach. “Slow down, boy!”
Atlas skidded on the hall runner, crashed into the half-moon table and sent the vase of flowers and the key and change dish flying. In my haste to ward him off, I dropped the lunch bags, which he trampled.
“Sit!” I snapped and pointed to the floor. The dog did as he was told immediately and I rewarded him with a good scratch behind the ears. “Who let you in?”
My question was answered a minute later when Josh, still sans sock came through the sliding glass door.
A year ago I would have put my hands on my hips. Now, I placed my palms on my aching lower back. “What were you doing outside?”
“Looking for my sock,” he said it as though I were an idiot to even ask.
It took some effort not to let his smartass attitude get under my skin, which seemed stretched and extra thin these days. “Joshua, why would your sock be outside?”
A shrug.
I didn’t have time to lecture him again about the Atlas procedure. When the humans were active and distracted, the dog was as well and I was terrified he was going to knock me onto my belly. “Just get another pair of socks.”
“I don’t have any more clean.”
“How is that even possible?” Laundry was the only chore I could still do well. The house was a wreck, every day was like a juggling act and it had been too damn long since I’d had a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. “Check the dryer. And pick those lunches up before the dog eats them bag and all.”
Josh retrieved the flattened bags and peeked into one. “Yuck, chicken salad. Can I just have lunch money instead?”
My shoulders slumped in defeat. I never thought I’d see the day when my son preferred to buy a school meal rather than have one of my homemade lunches. “Fine, get cash out of my purse.”
“Kenny’s juice box is leaking.”
“Enough for both of you. And get out there, the bus will be at the stop any minute.”
Finally, after much haranguing, kvetching and the constant push-pull that had become our normal morning routine, the boys were on the bus and Atlas was happily dining on two smushed chicken salad sandwiches.
Feeling like Wonder Woman, I locked the house and then proceeded with the contortionist act of getting behind the wheel of my Mini Cooper. Once settled, I inserted the key and expe
cted to hear the engine turn over.
It didn’t.
“Oh, no,” I breathed and tried again. “What do we say to the God of automotive death? Not today!”
Still nothing.
I thunked my head on the steering wheel. That didn’t help so I upped the ante by cussing a blue streak. If I had gone into labor at that very moment, I wouldn’t have been surprised. It was just that kind of morning.
“Okay universe, if that’s how you want to play it,” I grumped and then plucked my cell phone up and dialed my husband.
Neil answered on the first ring. “Is it time?”
He was so cute in his I’ve got a very pregnant wife hysteria. “Stand down, slick. My car won’t start.”
“Where are you?” he asked.
“Home and I’ve got a doctor’s appointment.”
“Is Sylvia home?”
I glanced over at my neighbor’s driveway. “Her car’s there.”
Neil sighed as if I somehow exasperated him. “Maggie.”
“Come on, Neil. You know things have been weird ever since last summer. I don’t want to hear about how I’m always imposing on her.”
My husband blew out a sigh. “I don’t want to cut out if we have another option here. You know we need the overtime. And you’ll be late if you wait for me to come get you.”
He was right, like always. “Fine, I’ll ask her.”
“Text me after your appointment.” He said and hung up.
I hefted my bulk from the car and waddled across the lawn to ring Sylvia’s doorbell.
“Maggie,” she looked surprised and pleased when she opened the door. A good sign. “Would you like to come in?”
“No, thanks. Actually my car won’t start and I have a doctor’s appointment so I was wondering—”
“Just let me grab my purse and I’ll drive you.” She dipped back inside.
“Mkay.” I’d been hoping I could just borrow her car and return it after I was done with my appointment. But this was fine. It was really just the drive to my Ob-gyn’s office. Not like she was coming in with me or anything. A short ride in moderate discomfort. I’d handled worse.
“How are things?” Sylvia asked as we made our way to her Prius. “I haven’t seen you around.”
“Been busy. You know, lots of stuff with the boys in the spring. Josh is on the baseball team and Kenny’s all about the soccer. Plus they’re both in scouts and that’s time consuming.”
She backed out of the driveway. “And Marty and Penny? How are they?”
“Fine. Busy with Mae. She’s getting big.”
“I was thinking about her the other day. She just turned one a little while ago, right?”
“In April. I was kinda hoping Baby X here would be born on the same day, that way the cousins would have the same birthday.”
“When’s your due date?”
“Today actually.”
Sylvia blinked. “Really? I didn’t know you were two weeks ahead of me.”
Because we never talked anymore. She had made a nice gesture over the holidays and looked after Atlas while my crew took one last pre baby X vacation. I’d tried to think of a way to repay her and then the water heater quit on us and we’d been scrambling ever since. “Yup. I’m the size of an aircraft carrier. It’s either a big baby or they’re going to need to get Willy Wonka’s juicer out for me.”
“Are you nervous?” Sylvia stopped for a red light and looked over at me. “I’m very nervous.”
“You’ll do great.” I offered what I hoped was a reassuring smile, tactfully not reminding her about how she’d offered the baby to us.
The light changed and she put the pedal down. “Oh, I’m not nervous about the actual baby. More the whole childbirth bit. Did you do the prenatal class through the hospital? See the video?”
“No, we didn’t sign up in time.” Besides, Neil had made me sit through Aliens so I had a comparable mental image already in my head.
“Well it was awful. That woman looked like she was being torn in half. I’m pretty sure nothing will be the same downstairs after an event like that.”
I burst out laughing. “That’s what you’re worried about?”
“Aren’t you? And we’re going to the practice on Vine Street, right?”
“Right, I mean left. I mean yes, we’re going to Vine, but you need to take the next left.” My hand had drifted to my midsection and I rubbed, a gesture that seemed natural. “I’m more worried that Baby X is healthy, you know? Five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. I’ve had horrible dreams lately about giving birth to a mutant baby.”
“That’s even more terrifying.” Sylvia shuddered. “Think I’ll stick to my current fretting over pelvic floor exercises, thanks. And here we are.”
“You can drop me at the door.” It was my new favorite catchphrase. The less distance I had to waddle, the better.
“No, no, I’ll come in.” She pulled into a parking space at the rear of the lot.
I barely stifled a sigh. The parking lot looked as vast as pictures of the surface of the moon. No way would I manage to traverse all that blacktop in time for my appointment.
Gritting my teeth, I pushed open the door and did the rolling heave ho motion that had become a regular thing since my center of gravity continued to shift. The trick was to build up enough momentum to launch myself up and out, not down. Another constant terror was that I’d have a spaz attack and fall right on poor Baby X.
Finally, I made it to an upright position. Though I felt like doing a victory dance, my feet hurt enough as it was, so I settled for a moment of discreet jazz hands then turned around to check on Sylvia’s progress. She hadn’t budged, her eyes huge as she stared at her lap.
“Are you all right?” I asked her. “You look a little spooked.”
“I am.” She turned to me, her lip trembling. “Maggie, I think my water just broke.”
“IT’S A GIRL,” I ANNOUNCED to the house as I dropped my purse, along with Sylvia’s car keys on the table in the entryway. I’d been texting with Neil and the boys all afternoon, to let them know what had happened.
Atlas galloped in at full speed followed by Neil, who was buttoning his shirt cuffs. “Already? Aren’t first baby’s supposed to take a long time?”
“Yes, but she came right as that no good cheating sack of man-crap Eric showed up.” I had a few...issues with Sylvia’s baby daddy. “So I was the first non-medical person to see her. Seven pounds eight ounces and probably the best pair of lungs this side of Boston.”
“Pictures?” Neil stepped closer and I offered my phone. Even after giving birth Sylvia was still camera ready. I’d threatened to change the locks on Neil if he took pictures of me in the delivery room before I gave the all clear.
“Right here.” I proffered my phone and looked over his shoulder as he scrolled through the assorted shots.
My husband’s features softened as he looked down at the newborn. “Do they have a name picked out yet?”
“They were arguing about it when I left. It’ll either be Priscilla or Stephanie.” Personally, I thought either of those names were a little too much to saddle on a newborn, but I’d kept my opinions to myself. “It’s not fair.”
Neil guided me over to the couch and propped my aching feet on his lap. “What’s not fair, Uncle Scrooge?”
“Today’s my due date.” I splayed my hands over the enormous mound of my belly. “I’m going nuts here.”
“He’ll be here before you know it.” Neil slid my right shoe off followed by my left and set to work on our new nightly ritual, a foot massage that ranked up there with an orgasm.
My head lolled on my shoulders and my eyes slid shut. “How do you know Baby X will be a he?”
“I don’t know anything.” Neil switched his ministrations to the other foot. “It just slipped out.”
“I hope you’re right. I’ve been handling boys all my life.”
“Phrasing,” Neil said, his tone full of wicked innuend
o.
“Not like that, you big perv.” I swatted at him, but he was too far away and I wasn’t outraged enough to actually sit up. “I meant that I raised Marty after our parents died, and then Kenny and Josh. I have the boy drill down to a science. What Sylvia and Eric have in store with a little girl scares the bejeebers out of me.”
Neil raised an eyebrow. “Hey, at least you are a girl.”
“Not a very good one. I’m not a girly girl type you know? I was always more comfortable with guys. Women are catty and passive-aggressive and always tearing each other down. Men are too lazy for any of that nonsense.”
“You’ll do great no matter what.”
“I’m glad at least one of us buys that. At this point I’d give my left boob to not be pregnant anymore. Probably not the best way to start.” Though I’d never admit it out loud, I resented that Sylvia had given birth on my due date while I was stuck waddling around like an overfed panda.
Neil didn’t say anything, which was his only real defense mechanism when I started with the poor, pregnant me spiel. It was a reoccurring conversation. At times I almost felt sorry for him, having to listen to me gripe. I bitched constantly. It was the only release valve I had for the aches and pains that stacked up like cordwood. Not to mention the frustration of needing someone else to tie my sneakers, the constant fatigue and heartburn and lack of sleep at the right times of day. In the beginning he’d sympathized, offered the foot rubs and the lower back massages as well as a shoulder to cry on. Eventually I recalled that Neil was the one who’d put me in this position in the first place and all the rage had an external focus. At that point he was better off disappearing until my mood swung back to manageable. Freaking hormones.
The landline rang and I groaned. “Tell whoever it is we don’t want any.”
Neil checked the display on the cordless. “It’s the hospital.”
“Uh oh. I hope it’s not about my bloodwork.”
“I thought you missed your appointment.”
“I did but I had bloodwork last week. The doctor’s been threatening to put me on those damn iron pills again. I’m going to be mainlining spinach like Pop-Eye.” I took the phone from him and pressed the talk button. “Hello?”
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