by Tori Fox
Fuck, these thoughts are going to make me need whiskey. And I don’t think that’s a good choice right now.
I take another sip of my beer but before I can let the thoughts fog my brain again, I hear the scrape of a stool next to me. I sneak a glance to my side and see a young man. The bar is nearly empty, he could have chosen a different seat.
He orders a beer from the bartender and takes a sip before he turns my direction. “Noah, right?”
I turn to face him, not sure how he knows who I am. He must be in his late twenties. He’s wearing an EMT shirt. When I meet his copper eyes, I know he must be related to Kyle.
He reaches his hand out to me. “I’m Jed, Kyle’s brother.”
I shake his hand but don’t say anything.
He runs his hand through his hair before taking a sip of his beer. “I… ugh… I ran into Anna yesterday.”
I tighten my fist. He is the first person to admit he has seen her and failed to let her family know after hundreds of phone calls to neighbors and friends.
He must see me begin to fume because he holds a hand up in front of me. “Look, I know you’re pissed. I know her family is looking for her but I promised her I wouldn’t say anything. Which isn’t like me. I’m not my brother. I’m a good guy. And I upheld my promise to her.”
He has my attention now.
“Anna told me to give her twenty-four hours. So I did.”
“What did she say?” I blurt out.
He bites his lip before talking. “She needed time after what I told her and she needed to be alone. She told me to find you. She knew you would be looking for her.”
“What the hell did you say to her?” I grit out.
“I’m a paramedic. It’s what I’ve wanted to do my entire life. Save people. It was my first week on the job, finally certified, excited and anxious all at once.”
I don’t have time for this. “Get to the point.”
He looks at me with a raised brow and I know he isn’t one to take orders. “There was a bad storm at the end of my first week. Rain turned to ice. The roads were slick, icy. It was foggy as hell, all a fucking mess. I worked twenty-four hours straight as it was accident after accident. My boss finally told our team to call it quits for the night. To head back to the station. We were on our way when we saw a car flipped on the side of the road. It looked bad. It was near a creek and the guardrail along the bridge on the opposite side of the road was mangled and smashed. We pulled over to check on the occupants of the vehicle. As we got closer, I could finally make out the model of the car through the fog, saw the plates. I fell to the ground. I knew it was Kyle’s car. I could also tell by the scene of the accident, there was a low chance he survived. The driver’s side was smashed in, glass and blood everywhere. He hit a rock on the side of the road that caused his car to flip.
“I almost quit my job after that. My dream shredded by the loss of my brother. But then the cops that were at the scene gave me a letter they found in the car. None of us got closure with what happened with Kyle. I mean, who does in an accident. No one ever gets to say goodbye. But Kyle had something to say to Anna, he just never told her.”
I grit my teeth. “He was cheating on her.”
Jed nods his head. “He was. She told me yesterday she knew about that. But I gave her the letter anyway. She needed to see it. Needed to read those words.”
I know Jed isn’t going to tell me what the letter said, even though he clearly read it. I just hope they weren’t words to break Anna even more. “She say where she was going?”
He shakes his head. “Nah but I did let her borrow my car. And she only said ‘Give me twenty-four hours. Then find Noah Taylor, he’ll be with my family. Tell him I needed a sanctuary.’”
I grip the back of my neck at those words. Thinking, searching my mind for any hint she might have given me in our hours of conversation.
I knock my beer over when the memory hits and jolt from my seat. “Thank you Jed. I—ugh—I need to go.” I throw a twenty on the bar and turn to head out but Jed’s voice stops me.
“Treat her right, man. My brother didn’t deserve her. I hope that you do.”
I nod at him as I rush out the door. I hope I deserve her too. Yet for some reason I feel that I don’t.
I jump into my SUV and throw it in drive as I fumble with my phone to dial Hunter.
“What’s up, Noah?” he answers, sounding winded.
“You busy?”
“I just got done with a run before heading into the hospital. What’s wrong?”
“Can you give me the number of your friend that’s a detective?”
He chuckles into the phone. “Dude, how many times have I told you? You are going to do fine on that damn test.”
“It’s not about that. It’s—ugh, work related.”
“You sure you’re okay, man? You sound flustered.”
I take a deep breath before answering. “Yeah, I just need some information for a case.”
“Isn’t that what detectives do?”
“Can you just stop with the questions, please? I am looking for someone.”
“Okay geez, man. I’ll text you his number.” He pauses before asking me another damn question. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “I’m fine.”
“Okay well, let me know if you need anything.”
I hang up the phone before I answer him. I make a quick stop at the hotel we were staying at, grab our bags, and check out. I hit the gas once I hit the interstate. I look at the GPS that tells me it’s about a four-and-a-half-hour drive to the islands south of Charleston. That gives me just enough time to try and remember which island she hinted at that damn cottage being.
I leave a message for my brother’s friend, hoping he can help me out. He works for Beaufort County PD and I can only hope that he might recognize my description or he has records that can help me.
I race against the sun hoping I can make it before dark so I can find her tonight but as I get closer to the coast, the horizon darkens.
I pull into a gas station just outside Hilton Head Island when my phone rings. I pray it might be Anna but an unknown number pops up on my screen. “Hello?”
“Hi, is this Noah Taylor?”
“Speaking.”
“Hi this is Detective Tyler Marks. Hunter Taylor is your brother, right? I got your message, but he also told me you might be calling.”
“Yes, Detective.”
“Please call me Tyler. I don’t need formalities with you. Besides, if I remember correctly, you are a police officer up in Asheville.”
“I am.”
“What can I do for you? Need help with a case?”
I rub the back of my neck before I answer. This is against all protocol. I know as a cop we aren’t supposed to use the police systems for personal use but many of us do. “I was actually looking for a missing person.”
I hear him rustle papers in the background. “Is there an APB out on the subject?”
“Ugh—no. This is personal.”
“You know I can’t—”
“Look, I am not asking you to do anything crazy. I just want to know if you can run some plates. See if a car has been pulled over or at least passed through a toll.”
I hear Tyler sigh on the other end of the phone. “Is that it?”
“Yeah. I hate asking this, especially because you don’t know me. But it’s my girl and she got some bad news and ran off. Her family is looking everywhere for her.”
“Why would she be out here?”
“She told me once about a cottage she used to go to. She never told me where it was specifically, just that it was outside Hilton Head. I am just praying that it’s in your jurisdiction and maybe you have some evidence that she was around.”
“I hear ya, man. And I get that you’re a cop. So you know that this might sound suspicious? I’m not saying you are abusive, but you know what I am saying?”
“I know. But I swear I am tel
ling the truth. You can call my brother.”
“Oh I will.” He clears his throat. “Let me look into a few things. Make some calls. If you can text me the license plate of her vehicle, I can start looking.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“Sure thing,” he says before he hangs up.
I send him a text of the make, model, and plate of Jed’s vehicle, explaining the situation. I text my brother and tell him not to be a dick, to tell his friend this has to do with Anna.
My brother met her once and fell in love with her. So I know he will do what he can to help me out.
I pull into a hotel for the night. It’s too dark out for me to try and find a lime green cottage with pink shutters. Not to mention there is a lot of coastline to cover.
I wake up to my phone ringing just after midnight. My neck cracks as I sit up from the awkward position I fell asleep in sitting on the balcony of my room. I see it’s Detective Marks and quickly answer the phone.
“I didn’t get any hits on the plates,” he says.
“Fuck.”
“I’m sorry, man. I talked to Hunter. He told me you filled him in on everything with your girlfriend. I’m sorry and I know you hate to hear this, but I am sure she will go home eventually.”
I groan as I stand up and head inside. “I know. Thanks for checking, man. If you ever need a favor up in Asheville, you know how to reach me.”
“Will do. So what’s your plan now? I am assuming you’re here.”
“Yeah. I am going to drive the coastline tomorrow. See if I find the cottage she told me about.” I bite my lip as I recall our conversation for the hundredth time. “If it is around here, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a lime green cottage.”
“Lime green, you say?”
I nod even though he can’t see me. “She told me she used to go to this tiny cottage on the coastline to relax and rejuvenate her mind. Hell, it could be in Georgia for all I know. Or torn down. I just need to find her. I need to make sure she is okay.”
I hear him whispering in the background before he gets back on the phone. “My wife is a real estate agent. She might know of the place.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yeah. Do you have any more of a description?”
I tell him about the pink shutters and any detail I can remember Anna telling me.
“I’ll call you in the morning. She might know of the place.”
“Thank you.”
“But I am still being cautious on this whole situation. Mind if I follow you just for her wellbeing?”
I chuckle into the phone. “I wouldn’t be a good cop if I told you I mind.”
4
Anna
I sip my coffee on the porch of my great-aunt’s cottage as I watch the waves roll in. I haven’t been here in over seven years and I forgot how peaceful it was. The taste of salt in the air, the steady beat of the ocean waves, the smell of sunshine keeping me warm even when it’s barely fifty degrees.
I came here in anger. To yell at the void. Find some way to roll the wrath off my body when I found out Becca’s secret. But the letter Jed gave me made me let it all go. It gave me the peace I didn’t know I was looking for. That letter felt like the most honest thing Kyle had told me in years. I didn’t know I needed it so badly to move on. To realize the last seven years of mourning was all a waste. I finally saw the real Kyle, the one he kept under lock and key, the hidden secrets behind my back. The person I never would have loved if I knew the truth.
I grab the letter out of the pocket of the oversized cardigan I have on. My aunt knitted me one every summer I came here and I always thought they were hideous. But as the years passed, I found comfort in her knitting, comfort in her words, the knowledge she passed down to me every year I came here to visit. I wish she was here now. Still alive to give me the advice I never knew I needed.
And I don’t need it about Kyle. I need it about Noah. My feelings for him are all-consuming and reckless and maybe coming too quickly. Falling for him was like being struck by lightning. So sudden and intense it leaves me breathless.
I never thought I needed someone like him. I never thought I could move on from my past. And now I am scared I am making the wrong decision. Is being with him the right one? Now that I have finally come to terms with Kyle’s mistakes and indiscretions, should I be looking for more happiness in myself? Or do I already have it and being with Noah is letting me truly be free of the past?
I glance down at the letter I’ve read a hundred times since I got here two days ago. I take a deep breath, clutching the rings around my neck, before I read it again.
Anna May,
I don’t know how many times I told you I was sorry tonight but I want you to know I really am. Fuck, I fucked all this up. Our life, our future. But mostly you. You trusted me with every ounce of your soul and I tossed that trust in the trash. All the times I came up with excuses, I should have told you the truth. I should have told you I wasn’t worthy of you.
You, Anna, you are the perfect being. You are beautiful and talented. You have a presence to you I have never found in anyone else. When we first started playing music, I knew what we had was special. I knew you were special. It’s when I first started to fall for you. The fifteen years of friendship we had before that never opened my eyes to the tenacious, incredible woman you are. I always told you I wished I realized it sooner. You always told me we would have dated in third grade and broke up by fourth. Maybe you were right.
I never should have done what I did to you. And every plate you threw at me tonight I deserved. I am selfish and unworthy. I broke the one thing I promised to you and that was forever. I don’t think you’ll ever believe how much I was looking forward to marrying you. I still want to. God, I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe me when I told you earlier I cheated on you but it’s the truth. I thought once we were married I would put the past behind me. Focus on you. That is what I wrote in my vows, at least.
But maybe that’s a lie too. Maybe I won’t stay faithful to you but I will try so hard. I didn’t tell you about all the girls. I felt like an asshole telling you earlier. But if I have any chance to still walk down that aisle with you next week, I want you to know the entire truth.
I got a little bit of the taste of the rock star life when we started playing bigger and bigger shows. You were busy packing up the van with the rest of the guys. I was talking to fans. You always said I was better at it than you were. The first time I cheated was with one of those fans. She gave me a blow job in the bathroom. Later that night I fucked you, still on a high from that blow job and you had no idea what I did. It gave me a high. Made me addicted to the thrill of cheating. It’s not an excuse. I know that now. And I don’t want to tell you there were lots of girls but there were. Each one of them a one-time deal. You were the one I wanted to come home to every night.
It wasn’t until the last girl I thought maybe we weren’t meant for each other. Because she wasn’t a one-time thing. She was what I could get when you were too busy. I never meant to fall for her. I never meant to get her pregnant. And I know if you still marry me next week, that is one thing you need to know. I was too chickenshit to tell you face to face. But I can’t deny the fact, I can’t pretend it’s not mine. I also need you to know who it is. She can be manipulative. Hell, I think she manipulated me into this entire relationship. You need to know that I will choose you, baby. I will always choose you. I love you more than I can say. You know how much I love you.
Becca has never meant to me what you mean to me. Even when I thought she did. I was wrong. I know that now more than ever. I went to her house tonight to break it off. Because seeing that look on your face when I left broke me in a way I didn’t know I needed. I needed to feel what it was like to lose you, to know I needed you. Because I do need you, baby. I need you so bad. We aren’t us if we aren’t together. Isn’t that what you always say?
I know you don’t want to see me tonight. That’s why I
am leaving this in the house for you. I’ll be at a hotel. But I hope you find this before you go to sleep. Hope you realize it’s you and me, baby, if you can forgive me for all my indiscretions.
I love you. I need you. I want you to be my wife.
You and me forever.
Kyle
I throw my head back and laugh, my voice carrying into the wind, mixing with the sound of the waves. It’s almost magical, bringing a melody to my head.
I laugh until I start to cry as I crumple the letter back up and shove it in my pocket. I don’t know what I ever saw in Kyle. I guess I was just naïve and in love. But I know better now. I know I won’t ever let a man have that kind of power over me again. Seven years wasted, thinking I could have forgiven him.
What a dick.
He is the worst person I have ever let into my heart.
Into my life.
And if I had known Becca was the one he was cheating on me with, I would have let her have him.
I wipe the last tears I will ever let myself have over him.
Being back in this place has given me the clarity I need. Maybe I should move here. Continue to live this peace I have found in such a short time. But leaving Noah makes my heart heave. Just thinking about not seeing him again leaves me nauseous. But I don’t want to admit the feelings I have for him yet.
I should text him.
I should call him.
I know he is going crazy over the fact I left without as much as a note. Hell, his ex-wife gave him more. But deep in my heart I know he knows I’ll be back. He knows better than I do when I need space.
By now, Jed has talked to him. And I hope he can forgive me for leaving with such haste.
I stand and stretch as I head inside to grab more coffee. I cross through the tiny living room into the outdated kitchen and pour a cup from my aunt’s percolator. I smile thinking of how many times I bought her a real coffee pot and each time she would return it. She loved making her coffee the old-fashioned way. And I don’t blame her now, the taste is better, or maybe it’s just the memories.
