by Frost, Sosie
I turned from her, but Clover didn’t let me leave. She raced to the driver’s door of my SUV and blocked me from getting inside.
Defiant till the end. It was why I loved her.
“Tell me what you feel for me, Adrian Alaric. Because I know you want me as badly as I want you.”
My car keys cut into my hand. I fed off the pain. “Of course I do. But one of us has to make the right decision.”
“What are you really afraid of?” she asked. “It’s not the baby. I know that. And it’s not how you feel about me. So, what is it?”
Anger, shame, and bitter disappointment tangled into a festering pit in my chest. It hardened me from the inside, plastering misery and bile into the cracks between my ribs and down into my gut.
The pain was a comfort.
Maybe it’d help me take a harder hit. Teach me to push passed my limits in the weight room. Because after this, nothing could hurt more than what I had to do to free Clover.
And if I could survive it, I’d never feel the sting of a hockey stick or the crash of the boards again.
“I’m supposed to be the man who takes care of you.” The admission tasted foul. “But I’ll never be able to fix this.”
Clover held my gaze. “Maybe that’s because it’s not meant to be fixed. It’s meant to be lived. Without fear of the complications or repercussions. Not every problem needs a solution, Adrian. It only needs people who are willing to work it out together.”
Maybe I was a coward. Or maybe I was just selfish.
But I wouldn’t risk her any future pain.
“I don’t know what would happen if I lost you.” My whisper offered her no comfort. “You don’t know how valuable your friendship is to me. I would rather deny my feelings and live in total anguish than lose one moment as your friend.”
Clover quieted. “That’s the difference between us. I’m already in agony. And I can’t live another moment without you.”
She backed away from the truck, surrendering, permitting my escape if I took it.
I’d only ever wanted to protect Clover, even if it meant silently getting into my car, driving home, and leaving the woman I loved alone and heartbroken.
If I stayed, I’d ruin her.
If I left, I’d lose her.
But no matter what I decided, I would end up with nothing.
22
Clover
Yep.
I was pregnant.
But finding out in the bathroom of Ironfield International Airport wasn’t necessarily the way I wanted to welcome my child into the world.
To be fair, it was a nice bathroom—the clean one situated between the Burger King and Pizza Hut. Not a bad location.
So, after receiving the shock of my life, I filled up on as many greasy breadsticks as I could find…
Before throwing them all back up.
At least I could take solace in the fact that the crippling, gut-knotting nausea wasn’t guilt and misery eating away at me from the inside.
It was just a baby—with cosmically terrible timing.
Nothing like finally taking the test, seeing the word pregnant, and feeling that joy…all while knowing the father of my baby was adamantly opposed to pursuing a relationship with me even though I was desperately in love with him.
Fantastic.
Adrian was a terrible liar who would sacrifice his own happiness if he thought it was a noble pursuit. He loved me. That’s what made it so frustrating.
So frightening.
What was I supposed to tell Adrian now?
Hey, you knocked me up.
Hey, we finally have what we’ve both wanted.
Hey, can we stop being so damned miserable?
The baby wasn’t the hard part anymore. It was the rest of it that complicated everything—the parts most people sorted out before the kid.
The dating.
The I-love-yous.
The marriage and living together and figuring out where the new bundle of joy would sleep.
Maybe it was stupid to fall for him, but nobody ever said I was the most cautious and practical woman out there. No time to be hesitant when at any moment I might’ve hopped a flight to Peru or decided to check out the Venice Canals because I was bored.
But was I actually looking for adventure?
Or was I searching for the one thing I already had?
Adrian was probably right. Having a baby together would ruin our friendship. But maybe…
Maybe it was time that it got ruined?
Changed?
Forged into something meaningful, lasting, and wonderful?
It sounded great to me, but I had to convince him of that.
But if Adrian’s determination and relentless pursuit of perfection had taught me anything, it was that nothing good was ever handed to a person. It had to be crafted and practiced and made yours.
The baby was a blessing.
Our relationship was the curse.
But just because neither of us knew if it was right or wrong, easy or hard, a mistake or a miracle, didn’t mean we couldn’t figure it out together.
And so, I hauled my butt from the airport and parked it at a little bistro across the street from the rink. Unfortunately, I’d puked up the guts I’d need to go into the arena to confront Adrian. At least the pretty restaurant was a perfect place to muster the courage I’d need to meet him once the day’s practice had ended.
Maybe then I’d figure out what to say to the man. Because, in this case, the I love you wasn’t enough.
And so I sunk into a chair at an empty table and waited as my confidence and cowardice duked it out.
The Butterfly Bistro was the sort of restaurant that would’ve made Adrian grumble when I forced him to take me on my birthday. Salads littered the menu, and the tables were surrounded by all manner of ferns and succulents and pretty pixie lanterns. The garden style iron chairs fit a distinct clientele, not big hockey glutes.
I figured no one from the Forge would find me at the bistro. And I was right. It was Magnolia Mallory who plunked down at my table with a cheery grin while juggling her cappuccino, phone, laptop, and iPad.
She carved a space for herself between the bird-shaped salt and pepper shakers and the basket of bread with herbed butter that my queasy stomach refused to acknowledge.
“Mind if I join you?” Magnolia had already flagged down the confused waitress serving a bowl of cream of tomato soup to a now-empty table. “Today has been hell. I’m glad to have a friend for lunch.”
Friend?
Lunch?
Wow. That was a new one.
I never…ate with others, aside from Adrian. Not the flight attendants after our trips, strangers in a hotel’s restaurant, or even the locals in the exotic locations where I’d so often traveled.
Eating with someone else was what sane people did to stop feeling so damned lonely. Instead, I fought the isolation in my own way—by making a future lunch buddy.
No wonder Adrian thought I was crazy.
Magnolia dug into her soup only after adding an unconscionable amount of pepper to the bowl. The spicy, bitter scent invaded my side of the table. First it tickled my nose. Then it threatened the delicate equilibrium I’d forged between my gut and the proximity to the house-made garlic and herb infused butter. I attempted to push the little dish away, but I didn’t trust moving a hand that could potentially guard my tightly closed mouth.
“Uh-oh…” Magnolia dropped her spoon. “I know that look…”
Today she wore a pastel pink dress and jacket with gold, heart-shaped buttons—precisely the worst outfit one should’ve worn around a queasy woman primed to blow.
Fortunately, she sensed my discomfort and immediately shifted the food to a neighboring table. The laptop she sacrificed, but the phone and iPad she carefully tucked out of range.
“How far along are you?” Magnolia asked.
I could manage a smile but not a lie. I checked my watch. “I found out about thirty minutes
ago.”
She grinned but kept it tactful. “And how are we handling it?”
“Better than a punch to the face.”
“Well, just you wait. My sister just had her second baby. Said it doesn’t get bad until it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck.”
“Something to look forward to.”
“Among other things…” Magnolia sipped her cappuccino, taking care to avoid dusting her nose with the foam. “Have you told Adrian?”
I didn’t have the energy to play dumb. “Not yet. Trying to decide what to tell him.”
“Guess it’s a surprise, huh?”
“In a way.”
Magnolia hummed. “Even though it’s unexpected, it’s still a really great thing. Babies are always good news, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
The giggle bubbled up from somewhere strange inside of me—a clear, pristine, genuine laugh like I hadn’t heard for months.
“Sure. It’s good news. Great news.” Was I laughing or crying now? “It’s just…you have no idea how bad the timing is.”
“How long have you been dating?”
Another giggle, this time accompanied with an undignified snort. “We’re not dating.”
“Oh.” Magnolia nodded with a smirk. “A night of passion gone awry?”
“Many nights of passion. We were trying.”
The cappuccino lowered. “Trying?”
“To have a baby.”
“But you…aren’t dating?”
It sounded even stupider when voiced aloud. “Nope.”
“And you aren’t together?”
“That’s right.”
Magnolia peeked into her mug. “I need some whiskey in this drink to understand all this.”
So did I, but that wasn’t on the menu for a good nine months.
“It’s simple, really.” I grinned at her. “See, I’m the biggest idiot in the world, and Adrian enables me to do stupidest, most ridiculous bullshit because he’s in love with me but too afraid to make a move.”
Magnolia hummed. “Okay. Then you’ve figured it out.”
I could see it all clearly—every mistake and regrettable decision. “My problem was that I lived a completely hedonistic life for my own selfish desires.”
“And Adrian supported it?”
Boy, did he ever. “Oh, it worked for us. Because while I was off adventuring to strange lands—climbing pyramids, visiting the Great Wall of China, spending every last frequent flyer point and airline discount I could to escape—he did the opposite. He burrowed into himself, keeping the rest of the world out.”
Magnolia frowned. “Is this a metaphor…?”
“No. It’s literal. Ever since I was a little girl, I only wanted to travel. It’s why I became a flight attendant.”
“And here I thought it was for the free peanuts.”
“That’s not a perk I can stomach right now.”
“So…why get pregnant?”
“That’s the funny part. I never wanted to get pregnant. At least, not at first. My life’s goal was to travel. I’ve been to forty-two countries out of the one hundred on my list. The world seemed too big, and feared I’d never see it all if I went to college, married a nice guy, and popped out a couple kids. I was too busy looking for…”
“For?” Magnolia asked.
None of it made sense now, but I gave it my best shot. “Everything. I visited so many places in the world, but it never made me happy. Once I got to a new place, I only worried that I wouldn’t have enough time to experience it all. So, I started going faster. Quicker visits. More flights. More cities added to the lists.” I lowered my gaze, trailing my finger over the crystal cuts in my water glass. “Only problem is…the faster you go, and the more you think you need to see, the more you miss.”
“And you missed him.”
Like a lovesick fool. “Yeah. I didn’t understand it at first. I’ve never connected like that with anyone before.”
“Judging by the baby, you made a really good connection.”
“Yeah.”
“And it got complicated?”
I picked at my cloth napkin with a fingernail, stopping but before I unthreaded the pristine embroidery. “Having a baby with Adrian was one of the easiest decisions I ever made. Much easier than deciding between Aruba and Maui.”
“And why is that?”
Like she couldn’t tell. I sighed. “Because I fell in love.”
“And how did that happen?”
Good God. Was I really talking about this? I never opened up to anyone besides Adrian, and even he had to bribe the truth out of me with promises of chocolate ice cream or freshly popped popcorn.
But now that the truth was out, now that I had to carry more than just the sweet burden of this damned secret, revealing everything to Magnolia did lessen the nausea.
“I’ve always been in love with him,” I said. “And he was in love with me.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” she asked.
“And ruin our friendship?”
“Even if it meant falling in love?”
“What if it meant losing him forever?”
Like I might’ve lost him now. I heaved a breath.
“We had an easy, uncomplicated, perfect friendship. I ran all over the world trying to hide from my feelings, and he obsessed about his career to the point he practically slept in his damned locker. And it worked.”
Magnolia glanced down with a frown, fiddling with the diamond ring on her finger. “But how long can things just work?”
“Until his injury.”
“Especially an injury to that region?”
One day, I’d stop replaying the scene in my mind.
“It was the first time I ever watched him go down like that,” I said. “It terrified me. I remember sitting in the hospital, waiting for him after surgery. And all these ridiculous, inappropriate feelings kept…” I sighed. “And then when I saw him—all doped up from the anesthetic and pain meds—and he confessed to me…”
Magnolia tipped her chair back and dipped a piece of bread into her soup, far enough away that the scent didn’t bother me.
She gestured with her spoon. “And instead of embracing it, you ran?”
“I tried to ignore the possibilities, but everything he’d promised sounded so right. And no rainforest adventure or African elephant sanctuary compared to the thought of coming home to him one day and cuddling on the couch with our baby.”
Magnolia smirked. “You know, in my job, I’m only allowed to ask the questions. But since this is all off-the-record, and there are no cameras rolling or pictures waiting…I think I might just say it.”
“I’m all ears.”
“I might have a solution for you.”
I wasn’t getting my hopes up. “There’s no easy answer to this.”
“Of course there is. You’ve gotta tell Adrian that you love him.”
What good would it do? “He knows.”
“Then tell him again. And again. And again. These hockey guys have thick skulls. They’re used to ignoring pain, stuffing it deep, deep down and playing hurt. They don’t know what it’s like for someone to offer them comfort and peace. You have to convince him that you love him.”
“We’ve already ruined our friendship.” I bit my lip. “What if this gets even messier?”
Magnolia dismissed my fears. “Some of the most amazing things in this life are dangerous. Isn’t that why you traveled? You wanted to explore the world and find out what it could offer. Well, now you’ve found the best it gets. Right here. A man looking for love, and a baby on the way.” Magnolia took my hand and squeezed. “Sometimes you don’t have to travel to find adventure. Sometimes, the most exciting place in the whole world is right beside someone you love.”
“And if I have to make it happen myself…?”
She winked. “All the adventure and chaos in the world, and you don’t even need to go through security.”
She was right.<
br />
I’d spent the last eight years racing around the globe, searching for fun and excitement and meaning—everything Adrian could offer. I traveled only to avoid my feelings, and, even when confronting those, I still chose to ignore what it meant.
I didn’t just want a baby.
I wanted a baby with Adrian. I wanted stability. Intimacy.
Love.
And now that I had tasted it, I’d never again spend my life wandering from place to place, denying my own happiness, because I was too afraid of the possibilities.
The only place I wanted to be was at Adrian’s side.
After all, I was having his baby.
And I would tell him the good news as soon as I possibly could…
Right after I told him how much I loved him.
23
Adrian
I never should’ve let her go.
The only thing worse than my career festering in a self-inflicted limbo was the fact that I’d pushed away the one woman who might’ve kicked my ass back into the locker room and forced me to be the leader the team needed.
Clover had always been that friend for me. Rock wasn’t the right word. She wasn’t hard or unmovable. She was a motivation. A reason for me to move forward, to do better. A bandage for when I bled, and the ice on my injuries.
I’d depended on her more than I’d realized. No good morning texts with goofy jokes, no breakfast burritos, no pestering me about new bruises, bumps, or bleeding scrapes.
Clover had always cared for me.
But I didn’t know how much she had balanced me.
She was my life outside the arena. As much as I hated returning to training camp every morning, I loathed leaving it even more.
In the end, she’d been right. She was all I had beyond hockey. And, for as much as I’d sacrificed, it wasn’t like any team would give a damn about me after that singular season, game, period, play, moment.
I did my job, and I was paid well for it. But the team only benefited from my role. They didn’t appreciate it.
The franchise used me. Ironfield didn’t know we existed yet. The media waited for us to fail.
