by Michael Todd
The general tapped his pen on his desk. The screen in front of him showed the most recent YouTube video of the attack on Spain. “Good. I want you to make sure that you follow her as far as you possibly can.”
“Can she regenerate?” the captain asked.
The general rubbed his hand over his face. “I honestly don’t know, but I can contact my source. I’ll find out if they have any information on the healing times for this beast.”
The chief of staff broke in over the other two men. “We need to make sure that if it has a quick healing time, we continue to beat at it while it’s injured. Maybe we can keep it down long enough that it doesn’t launch another attack. That should give us time to formulate a full-scale plan.”
Several other of the people on the line mumbled back and forth to each other, but the general couldn’t make out what they were saying—nor did he really care. There was so much going on and so much he didn’t understand that frustration had set in. So had exhaustion. He thought he finally had a handle on the demons and how to tackle them, no matter what they threw at him. Then this thing showed up and took him right back to the square one.
The general spoke loudly over all the other voices. “If that’s all, I need to get on the phone with my source. You know how to contact me.”
The general might have hung up, but the others were still there. There was silence for several moments, and then someone asked, “What rock did he find a source under?”
Someone else chuckled. “Probably some crotchety old professor of ancient history or something.”
The general sat at his desk for several moments rubbing his hands over his face. He was frustrated by everything at that point, but he needed to keep on going. He picked up the phone and gave Katie a call.
Katie answered quickly. “What’s up?”
The general groaned. “More issues with the Leviathan. I actually have a few questions. Now they’re not just coming from me, but from some of the higher-ups.”
Katie wasn’t sure what the general wanted, but she knew she wasn’t going to be much help. “You should probably talk to Pandora on this one. I know how much you love that.”
The general grumbled, “I have to do what I have to do. People’s lives are at stake here, and every second that passes that Leviathan is growing stronger. We were able to get in a few good hits when it attacked Spain, but I don’t know how long that will keep it down. So yes, I need to talk to Pandora. Please.”
Katie was in the middle of eating a huge sub and replied through a mouthful of six different types of meat and cheese. “Sure, hold on one second.”
The general sat there for a moment listening to her chew, and when she was done, Pandora’s voice came over the phone. “How’s it hangin’, big shot?”
The general chuckled. “I have some questions about the Leviathan.”
Pandora took a bite of the sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. “Shoot.”
“I need to know whether Tiamat can regenerate.” He was not really sure he wanted to know the answer.
“Yes, but not as fast as I can heal Katie. She just needs a lot of food to regenerate.” Pandora tore into the sandwich. “Hungry bitch, so look out for snack time. She isn’t demonic.”
“And there are seven of them?”
Pandora smirked. “As far as you know, yes.”
The general’s voice grew high and strained. He was slightly frustrated. “Well, are there?”
Pandora put down the sandwich. “What’s the consulting rate for this call?”
The general sighed. “How much?”
Pandora knew how to play the game, even if she couldn’t get Katie to do it on a regular basis. “How about a favor? Someday I may ask for something. That day may never come, but let’s be honest, I’m going to ask eventually. Nothing too onerous for a human. No butt stuff. Deal?”
The general thought about it for a second, and realized he really didn’t have any other options. “With reservations, I agree.”
When Katie was done eating her giant sub, she threw away the trash and headed back to her room. She had every intention of just relaxing on her bed. She felt the tension growing inside of her. She couldn’t tell whether it was coming from everything going on or from Pandora, but it made her antsy.
Why can’t I ever just relax?
Pandora snickered. Probably because I can’t relax, and we’re very in tune with each other. Maybe if you got laid you could relax? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But maybe if you got a nice hard—
Nope. Katie leaned back on the bed and rolled her eyes. Not this again. With everything going on right now, the last thing I need is something romantic.
Who said shit about romance?
Even if that romance only lasts one night. What I need is quiet. A few minutes of peace. Hell, I don’t know what I need. I just know that no matter what I do, I can’t seem to relax.
Maybe it’s the angel inside you. They don’t sleep, kind of like us. The difference is, they want you to save Earth, and I just want to kick some demon’s dick into the dirt.
Katie shook her head. I’m pretty sure you want to save Earth too. You just don’t want to admit it. You wouldn’t be so enthralled with those superhero movies if you didn’t.
Pandora gasped excitedly. I have an idea. Since you can’t seem to relax anyway, you might as well get rid of some of that energy.
Pandora, I’m not going to go out and find a man. Give up.
Pandora hissed, That’s not what I’m talking about. What I am talking about is playing a little vigilante hero.
A hero. Katie sat up in the bed and shrugged. Hell, why not? It’s not like you’re going to let me relax. I might as well fly around and kick some villain’s teeth out. Maybe that’ll get some of the energy out of my system. Let me just suit up.
Katie hopped out of bed and pulled out her normal hunting outfit, pulling the stretchy Lycra material over her body and strapping the holsters around her waist. She picked up two of her guns and slammed them home. No donuts?
Pandora blew a raspberry. Maybe after. Right now, I’m ready to take some motherfuckers down.
22
Pandora had complete control of Katie’s body, and she grinned as she soared from rooftop to rooftop. They hadn’t done any vigilante work, but Katie was trying to let Pandora have her fun. Besides, all the flying was definitely using up some of her energy. Katie would crash hard when they got back home, which was a good thing. She hadn’t slept well in weeks.
Pandora landed on the edge of a building and looked down at the street. Na na, na na, na na, na na, na na, na na, na na, na na… Slut Girl! Slut Girl!
Katie scoffed inside Pandora’s head. Oh, hell no. Are you fucking kidding me? Of all the hero names you could have come up with, you had to come up with Slut Girl? Did you actually think that I would go for that? I will not allow you to call me that.
Pandora grumped. I guess I’ll just be Katie Fucking Lame Twat, then. What a fucking letdown.
Hey, I’m pretty sure other people don’t think that being called Katie is a letdown. I think you should probably be happy with just regular Katie.
Pandora sat down on the edge of the building and kicked her feet like a super-powered two-year-old who didn’t get her way. I need a secret identity. You already run around in sexy tights wearing guns. You take all the excitement out of it. You’ve left nothing for me.
Katie tried to hold back a chuckle. You do realize that you’re the one who created my whole persona, right? You’re the one who insisted on tight spandex, and you’re the one who turned me into a lean, mean, demon-slaughtering machine. Before that, it was volleyball uniforms, tight ponytails, and fried foods that did not leave my hips.
Pandora snickered. Oh, I remember. I have nightmares about it all the time. I guess if you’re not going to go along with whatever I want to call you, then I’m going to have to come up with a secret identity of my own. Maybe something like…MiMi? I could run around in a granny outfit. Slippers and r
obes? But that would suck because then I would look all gross and nobody would pay attention to a gross old lady flying through the air.
They would pay attention, but it would be for comic purposes and to put on YouTube. No one would believe it was real. And if you used my wings, I’m pretty sure they would figure out that it was me. How many old ladies, or young ladies, for that matter, do you see running around the city with angel wings?
Pandora put her hand on her chin and looked out over the city. Good point. I can just go as Vampirella?
Katie groaned, regretting letting Pandora ever see those damn comic books. The ones she loved were drawn by men. The skimpier the outfit, the more heroic she thought the hero was.
Katie didn’t feel like arguing anymore, but she knew that if she didn’t clear this up, she would end up in a really bad situation. Okay, I appreciate the fact that you are being creative as hell here, but I’m not wearing a G-string bathing suit as a superhero outfit.
But lady, you are the only human alive with the tits to do it! Seriously, the rest of the humans I’ve seen are malformed goblins. Their boobs are either way outlandish, those big plastic jiggly ones that make them topple over but probably double as life preservers, or they have teeny tiny titties. Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a superhero running around in a bathing suit with a flat chest.
Here’s an idea. How about you stop making it about the body and make it about how productive we can be as a vigilante? People will pay attention to us even if we’re fully clothed as long as we actually start solving crimes. We get nothing if we keep sitting on top of buildings talking about our outfit. Katie could sense danger close by, but she was letting Pandora take the lead.
Pandora pouted. We still need to discuss the outfits later. You never had much fashion sense, anyway. I’m the one who had to fold that into you. I suppose I could try to be somewhat family-friendly. I don’t think it would go over as well if I dropped in to save some kids and a tit fell out of my shirt.
Katie laughed. No, I don’t suppose it would. And I can already see it. Your heroic stance. The flop of the boob. The flash of a camera. We would be having a Janet Jackson moment in the middle of New York City.
Pfft, you know Janet didn’t mind that. She got some serious press out of it, too. Be proud of those melons, Janet.
Katie shook her head, then stared down into the alley, trying to focus Pandora’s attention there. So, can we actually do some vigilante work? Or we can just go back home so I can go to sleep?
Pandora leaned over the edge and saw three men in the alley. Two younger, tattooed men had guns drawn, and they were pointing them at a kindly-looking older gentleman. What do we have here? I think it’s time for…Katie! No, that sounds terrible. Slut Girl!
With that Pandora leaped off the roof. Her wings flapped once behind her, slowing her descent. When her feet touched the pavement, both of the guys swung their guns in her direction.
Ooh, shit! This is great. She put her hands in the air.
One of the guys waved the gun at her, obviously not familiar with how to use it. “Stay back! This is none of your damn business!”
Pandora skipped toward them. “It doesn’t look like you’re being too nice to this gentleman. I don’t like it, so I’m going to give you this one chance to put your guns away and make a run for it.” Pandora waited for a beat, then shooed them away. “Go on, fucktards. Run away.”
One of the guys pulled the trigger, and the report echoed off the alley’s walls. Without even blinking, Pandora raised her hand and caught the bullet in her palm. “Hold on, hold on.” The guys watched her, totally baffled. She dug her demonic claw into her palm and pulled the bullet out, flicking it at the shooter. The wound healed almost instantly.
Her eyes glowed bright red. “You had to go and do that, didn’t you?”
Pandora moved faster than the guys could think, and suddenly she was on them. She grabbed both of their guns and ripped them out of their hands, then threw them up in the air. They clattered on a rooftop somewhere. “I gave you a chance, and now I’m going to fucking kill you.”
Katie perked up. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re a vigilante. You don’t kill the bad guys. You pick them up and take them to the police. Think Batman. How often does he kill anyone?
Pandora sighed and rolled her eyes. Fine.
“Wha…wha…what the hell are you?” one of the guys asked. A dark piss-stain bloomed on his pant leg.
Pandora smirked and grabbed both of them by their shirts. “I’m your worst fucking nightmare, cock-gobblers. I’m Slut Girl.”
She glanced at the older gentleman and gave him a nod. He was too shocked to respond. She leaped into the air and spread her wings, lugging the two would-be robbers out of the alley. She soared high over the city, the two men dangling by their shirts. She saw what she was looking for, and swooped down in front of a police station. Several cops were standing outside and they reacted quickly, putting their hands on their guns. A heartbeat later they realized who they were looking at.
Pandora threw the two guys on the ground. “Found these two twat gnomes trying to rob an old guy. Book them for robbery, or assault. Maybe elder abuse? They were armed, but I kind of threw the guns on a roof.”
One of the cops stepped forward. “Aren’t you Katie, from Katie’s Killers?”
Pandora smirked. “Same tits, different eyes. Look up here, sweet meat. And just so you know, I’ll be around sometimes helping you guys get rid of the scum of the earth. When Katie’s not fighting the hell out of demons, that is. You boys keep up the good work.”
“Thanks, I guess?”
Pandora let her eyes sweep down the cop’s body. “Give me a call sometime, boo. I’ll give you a chance to blow my back out.”
Katie groaned, so Pandora waved and took off. Katie was just along for the ride, listening to Pandora ramble and just letting her go with it.
I don’t like dealing with the cops. I think from now on I’m just gonna beat the shit out of these guys.
Katie didn’t even know what to say. Fine, but no killing.
Deal. You can do a lot to a human without actually killing them.
Pandora swooped down and skimmed the top of the shorter apartment complexes, listening closely. There was a park adjacent to one of the buildings, and she could see three men and one girl in the shadows. The guys were pulling on the girl’s arm. She was obviously trying to fight them off, but she wasn’t quite strong enough.
Pandora’s eyes narrowed. She swooped down and came to a skipping stop on the ground, wings folding up behind her. She didn’t even miss a beat, just walked straight over to one of the guys and tapped him on the shoulder. That got everyone’s attention. The guys spun around, surprised to see Pandora standing there.
A big guy with a chin-strap chuckled and rubbed his hands together. “Lookee what we have here, boys.” He blew a kiss to Pandora. “I like what you’ve done with that spandex.”
Pandora growled at him. “Why don’t you boys pick on somebody your own size?” She wiggled her pinky finger at them. “Or are you afraid of a real woman, you micro-penis motherfuckers?”
Chin-Strap snorted and shook his head. He stepped to Pandora and snarled, “You got a big mouth for a bitch.”
Pandora kept an eye on the other two, but she inched closer to Chin-Strap. In a blur, she snapped her hand out and grabbed the guy by the throat. She pulled him in so close she could smell his fear, and her eyes flashed red. “I’m going to show you just how much of a bitch I can really be.”
She slashed her claws across his face. He screamed, but Pandora was already picking him up. She body-slammed him onto the ground and spun to face the other two. One of the other guys pulled out a knife and lunged at her. Without looking, she swung her fist and connected with his temple. He stumbled backward and tumbled to the ground, unconscious. The last guy backed up and tried to run away, but Pandora wasn’t having that.
She jumped into the air, and her wings snapped out behind her. She chas
ed him across the park. As she got close to him, she tucked her wings and dove forward. Her claws snatched his ankles out from under him and they tumbled over one another until Pandora snapped her wings out, stopping them. She was straddling him, her claws at his throat.
He was frozen in place. She leaned down and put her lips just inches from his earlobe. “If I ever see you again, it won’t be jail for you. I’m going to take you home to hell. I will do things to you that you can’t even imagine.”
Pandora grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the ground, knocking him out. She jumped up and waved at the terrified girl, still standing there. “You’re welcome, sweetie. Have a good night!”
23
Katie sat at the breakfast table eating a plateful of eggs and bacon. She laughed as she recounted the events of the night before to Angie. “You should’ve seen the dude’s face, not to mention the fact that he pissed himself right then and there. I would be mad that I had to clean my boots except it was so fucking hilarious.”
Angie choked on her coffee, laughing. “So, it turns out that Pandora isn’t too bad as a superhero after all?”
Katie shrugged her shoulders. “If we can figure out something better than ‘Slut Girl.’ Seriously, I can’t deal with Slut Girl.”
Pandora grumbled. I tried Fuck Girl, but you said we couldn’t yell that out in public.
Katie ignored her, not even attempting to relay it to Angie. The night generally had been a success. She had saved about a dozen people from either thieves or rapists. She couldn’t help but admit to herself that it felt good to do something for humankind other than killing demons.
Angie loved to hear the stories. “I still can’t get over the guy who thought he could sweet-talk his way out of it with Pandora.”
Katie laughed and was about to tell her how that had ended up when her phone rang. It was the general. She picked up the phone and walked over to the window. “Please tell me you killed the Leviathan.”
