Ada had copied her costume from the picture on the cover of the book. I looked at Nell and she looked at me and nodded; yep, we looked like the undead to the glory that was Zenda and even Lord Ellington. Even Curly was better dressed, although he’d altered his expensive cat costume with glow in the dark glitter and devil horns.
“Meow!” he said happily, pretending to bite us.
We all had different priorities, it seemed. All I wanted to do was be next to Van and smooch him whenever nobody was looking. He seemed to like the idea and didn’t mind when his make-up rubbed off on my face. It seemed appropriate, since he was now dressed female and I was dressed male. Keep that in mind. Curly and Annabelle and Nell were in it for the candy. Some people hesitated to give Annabelle any; she was rather large for a ‘kid,’ but she swung her sword and was as haughty as a real Lord of the Castle would be, and made people laugh; so they gave her some anyhow. Van and Ada and I would sometimes go up and sometimes not, as we didn’t care if they gave us any or not. The ‘kids’ however, kept nagging us to try because, they said, if we didn’t want the treats, we could give them to them.
Curly was small, adorable, and meowed constantly. Everyone gave him treats and cooed over him. He had even glued a toy plastic rat to his shoulder. None of the people handing out candy knew who we were, but all the other kids we saw sure did.
After the first couple of blocks, we were on a part of our street that was darker than some of the others. We noticed another kid near us who was dressed up as the ghost of Ashton, our missing person! Of course we called him over to join. He was by himself. I couldn’t tell if I knew him from school or not, but as he came up beside us, Curly took his hand and pulled him up beside him. Although he was friendly with all of us, he stayed by Curly a lot, and they seemed to hit it off. I made sure to keep an eye on them. I mean sure he was just another kid, but we didn’t know him.
“I used to have a cat called Rowdy,” the boy told Curly. “But I lost him. He looked just like you. I had to go to the thrift store and buy another one.” That made Curly giggle. “Of course it was only a second-hand cat, but since I’d lost one of mine in a sword fight, it came in really handy. And he was a great watch cat.”
Annabelle started to laugh hysterically. “What?” I asked.
“A second hand! Get it! It was a ‘watch cat’—second hand, minute hand, watch…” She thought that was the funniest thing ever, and I wondered if she’d slipped another flask into her costume somewhere.
Ashton, or whoever he was, was standing right beside me, and Annabelle’s laughter was so contagious that I fell against him laughing. He took my arm, and it felt like a bolt of lightning passed between us. Time had stopped, or backed up and was unravelling all at the same time.
Standing there in the dark among the fallen leaves, skittering sounds, voices calling and laughter all over, porch lights on, and no real fear. That was Halloween that year.
Nell and Annabelle and Curly all ran off to the next house, and I cuddled up to Van and he kissed me. Ashton watched, with a light in his eyes that was hard to fathom. I don’t think it was jealousy; it seemed, I don’t know, sad somehow. Van giggled and Ada stood watching us fondly, laughing a little at us, and then she and the new boy exchanged a long, meaningful glance.
The next house was farther away, and the three kids ran ahead. Ashton was walking next to Ada and I saw them lean into each other. Then my attention was distracted by something, and when I looked back, they were smooching. I stopped to watch. There was something magical about it, something timeless. They’d been lovers in the book, so it wasn’t odd to see it in ‘real life’ either. It seemed fitting, you know? Like it was supposed to happen.
And then we had come to the corner. The kids were ahead of us. Annabelle was already across the street, racing hand in hand with Nell. Curly was trailing behind, running as fast as he could with a heavy pillowcase banging his legs, and the tail of his costume dragging along behind him. He reached the street, called out, “Wait for me!” and darted out across it.
“No!” shouted someone, I think it was me, but I was frozen and unable to move so maybe it wasn’t me. My hand was over my mouth anyhow, and the other one trying to cover my eyes, only I was also afraid to not watch. A car was barreling down the road, right toward my little neighbor, who stopped, turned, and stared, directly in front of the onrushing headlights. Chrome glinted and time stood still, and then from behind me a ghostly Lord Ashton dashed out, sword in hand, his whole body glowing as if lit from within. Maybe he hadn’t drawn his sword, I don’t know now. But he grabbed Curly and somehow manhandled him out of the way of the car, getting whacked by the mirror, which fell into the street with a tinkle of broken glass. When the car was gone, and no, it didn’t even bother to stop, there was Curly standing with Annabelle and Nell, being hugged by both of them, and the other boy was nowhere in sight. There wasn’t any blood, there was no body, nothing was left. Where had he gone?
“Curly!” I shouted when the rest of us had crossed the street. “I was so scared for you! Are you all right?” I was feeling his body all over; there wasn’t any blood, no bones sticking out, and he hadn’t even wet himself. I wasn’t too sure that I hadn’t though.
“I’m fine,” he stammered out.
“Where’s Lord Ashton?” Ada asked, a quiver in her voice.
“He said he had to go now,” Curly said. “I liked him. I wish he could have stayed longer, but he said he couldn’t.” Then both he, and for some reason Ada, started to cry. I guess it was nerves.
I wanted a hug desperately and turned to Van to get one. I almost screamed though, when I saw Van without any make-up, it having been washed off her face by her tears. Van was Ada. I looked again at Ada, and sure enough, ‘Ada’ was Van, dressed and made up so well that even I had been fooled. They had switched places. I’d been kissing Ada all evening. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
So ‘Ada’ came over and hugged me. “Never mind,” she, I mean he, said. “Everyone’s all right. And maybe we’ll see Lord Ashton again. Anyway, he was here when we needed him, and Curly’s okay. Let’s get some more of this trick or treating done, and cover up this part with more good fun. Okay, honey?”
Our eyes met, and I wondered how I could have been so fooled. How can you not recognize someone you care about so much? I thought of Cal and how much I wanted to tell him about tonight. I hoped he was out having a good time, too, out with people who cared about him. I wish he could have been with us.
We did another couple of blocks and then it started to get cold, and a chill wind came up. We headed back to my house to compare loot, and trade, and drink hot chocolate, though the idea of my mom’s gin bottle did pass through my mind. We all joked about Van and Ada’s switcheroo and how it had fooled all of us, and even Curly saw the joke and laughed. Mostly he thought it was hilarious that I’d been kissing a girl all evening. He tried the old ‘Ada and Miranda sitting in a tree’ thing, but wasn’t quite able to figure out how the ‘here comes Ada with a baby carriage’ thing could happen, but he soon forgot about it in the glory that is a huge pile of mixed candy, and the fun of trading out the stuff you don’t like for more stuff you do.
And I did get to kiss the real Van before they left to go home. He held me an extra-long time, and my heart, which already was so full of him, seemed to bloom and fill with his aura, his essence, his spirit. “I love you,” I whispered for the first time.
And he whispered back, joy in his voice, “And I love you, too.” Beneath his voice, and the happiness that filled my soul, I remembered the last words Cal had texted me, “I’ll be there with you in spirit.” I shivered, and the others all headed for home.
* * * *
The day before Thanksgiving, Curly came over to see me. I’d been sitting on the porch, hating the idea of Thanksgiving with The Whole Family tomorrow. So I was feeling pretty sorry for myself all in all. Just this past Monday, I’d gotten glasses, too. I’d asked for contacts for Christmas when what I�
�d really wanted was music, music, and more music and the stuff you play it on.
My dad said, “We’ll see.”
So I was pretty miserable and not expecting much. Anyhow I wasn’t unhappy to see my little neighbor, still pudgy, come plodding over to see me. We don’t get a lot of snow where we live, and the sun, though thin, was struggling to shine. Curly’s walk was not a happy one this time, either.
Curly plopped down beside me and snuggled up to me. His face looked like he’d been crying. I knew that look all too well, from my mirror.
“You’re supposed to be thinking of turkey and pie and Santa,” I said, hugging him. He looked like he could use it.
“How’s Cal?” I blurted out. We’d exchanged emails and had a lot of other online contacts, but not since Halloween. “Is he sick?” I asked.
I thought I would have heard if he was because he loved to complain to me as much as I loved to ‘share my feelings’ with him. I had told him all about prom but not everything about me and Van. I’d written him all about Halloween, but hadn’t heard back. This happened sometimes depending on who was busy or who was grounded from using their computer, but I becoming concerned, and I missed him. He’d been relegated to the ‘friend zone’ status instead of the ‘BFF’ status, and I don’t know if he knew or not, but I thought he’d be all right when he did find out—at least, I hoped so.
Mostly our contacts made us both feel better. He could always raise my spirits. Surprising what a bit of comfort can do. I didn’t miss him as badly as I had before Van and Ada became my besties though. But I did miss him. I had heard he was coming for Christmas, and I could not wait. I was so looking forward to being with him and my new friends, and I knew they’d all love each other to pieces.
“He’s not coming,” Curly’s voice was tiny, almost a whisper. He was playing with the buttons on my flannel shirt, twisting them.
I was shocked. “Why not?” I almost demanded. There went all my plans! He had to come.
“He’s—do you remember my frog?”
That took me a while but yeah, the day I met Cal. I couldn’t ever forget that, could I? Before I could speak, Curly said, “You remember what he said, “‘My darling froggy, wild and free, why’d you go…’”
I finished it for him, “‘And die on me? You left me…’ Curly, no, what? Please!”
But Curly only burrowed under my flannel shirt, nesting his head in the shadows of it, against my T-shirt. “He died.”
“No.”
Curly nodded. “Mom said he took a bunch of pills. He did it on Halloween and they put him in the hospital and thought he might be okay, but yesterday, well, he—died.”
I still did not believe him, but just then his mother came out, dressed in a nice coat, carrying a small travel bag. “Come on, son,” she called curtly. “We have to go.” His dad was following with another bag, and they headed toward their car. “Hello, Miranda. We’ve had a death in the family. Can you watch the house while we’re gone?”
Within minutes my heart, my porch, and the driveway next door were all empty, except of course, for what was left of me. My mom chose right then to open the door. “The dentist called,” she told me. “You have an appointment next Monday to get braces.”
I didn’t think that would happen. I didn’t even believe in right now, let alone the future. My whole life had stopped, like my breathing and my brain, locked into what Cal must have been thinking, feeling—and not telling. Not confiding in me, not trusting me, not letting me stop him. I was bereft and blank. And of course I immediately wondered, was it my fault? Had I been talking too much about my new friends, making him feel he wasn’t important anymore? Oh dear lord, no. No.
The wind picked up. It had a dank chill to it that I hadn’t noticed before, and I started to shiver. As I sat there, it started to snow. The snow fell like the sky was crying.
I thought back to Halloween, and the other boy, Lord Ashton, who had joined us. Could it have been? And suddenly, I was sure; I was positive. And yes, he and Van had hit it off. And yes, he and Curly had seemed close. And yes, I’d felt something, too. And yes, he’d saved Curly’s life, and then gone on, having taken his own.
I ran out into the woods, barely noticing the starting of snow on the ground, found the spot where we had kissed, and sobbed until it grew dark, and my dad had to come looking for me. I caught a chill and was sick for a week, missing school, being miserable, not even wanting my friends to come over. I got my period, and it was a doozy. Van and Ada came anyway, and I told them what I thought.
“It’s just pretend; don’t think I’m crazy,” I stammered out, trying to laugh and be silly. They knew better though. Ada went into Nell’s room for a while, and Van held me.
“I believe you,” he said, and that gave me as much comfort as I could take right then.
* * * *
Curly and his parents were gone a week. Thanksgiving with The Whole Family went by in a daze. There was a new baby cousin to cuddle, and I did hold her, but I just couldn’t get into it. I wondered what her parents would think if she turned out to be gay. Would they still love her, or would they say she was nuts. Didn’t anything ever get better as time went on?
Nell was being even nicer than before, which I didn’t really understand, but hey, good for her. Other than that one guy, or maybe because of him, she seemed to have nicer friends, from what I saw whenever she had one over. What was that all about? I decided that since I was the older sister, maybe it was up to me to be nicer to her, to show her how it was supposed to—could—be. Why not? Nothing was coming in for me, and I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again, so why didn’t I try to make someone else happy, like Cal had done for Curly and for me.
It seemed to work. Mom and Dad sure didn’t notice. Nothing changed there, except now there was this ‘Oh, I can’t wait to be a grandma’ thing going on all the time, with the side-eyed looks at me, as if she demanded I get pregnant, only, NOT. It was weird. I thought maybe she was getting menopausal or something.
The day Curly and his folks came back home, my sister came in my room and hugged me before she went to bed. She must have seen me looking out the window at their house. She must have remembered seeing Cal and me kiss, even if it was only in fun. Still, it was the whole world for me at the time. And now I had nothing. Well, I had Ada and Van but they hadn’t been a part of that summer; they hadn’t known Cal. They had a place in my heart, but not in the empty space where Cal belonged. It seemed like nothing could ever fill that. It physically hurt, like someone had taken a trowel and not dug a burial hole for a frog, but gouged out space for death to fit its cold and icy claws instead.
It was a couple of days before I realized that now Curly had nothing either. And that since being nice to my sister had made her happier, maybe I should try it with him, too. I had nothing to lose. Christmas was almost here and all that happy, lovey stuff, right?
I needed Ada and Van, but their family had taken off for a skiing vacation. These people had money. Damn them.
A few days later Curly came over again. He knew I’d hold him and if he happened to cry (or I did), nobody would criticize. We were both sitting there sniveling, and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas. I wanted to buy him something—I know nothing I bought could replace Cal, but still. One did what one could (where did that come from?) Well, I meant it anyhow; Curly was as close to Cal as I’d ever be again.
“I brought you something,” he said suddenly, nested on my lap, looking at cat memes on my iPad. He handed me a letter.
My heart stopped. Cal. “Open it,” he said. “It’s for both of us, see?” His little boy fingers pointed to both our names. “I had to tell Mommy to leave me alone when I found it. She didn’t see it, and I wasn’t going to let her see it, either. Cal’s daddy is an ass booger!”
“Curly!” I gasped. Then thought to add, “Well, you’re probably right, but still…”
“Open it.”
My hands were shaking. “I like your nail polish,” C
urly said. “Will you do mine sometime?”
I took my eyes off the envelope and looked at him. Did he lisp? Did he play with dolls? Oh, listen to me. Who cared if a little boy wanted his nails painted. I wasn’t exactly a real girl by any means but I painted mine (to look the part, yeah, I know.) “Of course,” I said.
I opened the envelope but not the paper inside. “Curly,” I asked, “Would you still like me if I was a boy?”
“Why would that matter?” he asked.
I gave him a squeeze and a kiss on his cheek, which he rubbed off when he thought I was no longer looking. I took a deep breath and opened the paper.
“I’m sorry,” I read. “I can’t…you two kept me going all this time; you two are the only reason I could keep at it, but I can’t anymore. I’m so sorry, so very sorry. Goodbye, and Curly, watch out when you cross the street, okay?”
I was trying so hard, and failing so hard, not to sob. Tears were running down my face and off Curly’s cheeks as well. It felt like Cal was right there with us; I could almost feel him, almost see his laughing face, his deep-set beautiful eyes. But not quite.
“I want you, Curly, to have my old Rowdy doll. It belonged to my grandfather. Remember how much you liked that puppet when you were little? Maybe someday you’ll have a little boy of your own and he’ll like it, too. And Miranda…I hid something for you inside Rowdy where the stuffing was coming loose. Curly will see that you get it. It’s just a little something that only I know about you, and maybe, by now, Van.”
When I looked up at Curly, he was hitting himself. I took his hand to stop him. I almost couldn’t hold it. “I asked Mommy! I asked her if there was anything for me and she said no, they’d thrown all his stuff out, everything that he had. I knew he wanted me to have Rowdy; he always said I would someday! I hate them!”
A Rare and Beautiful Thing Page 3
