"Then why don't you adopt the kids?" Mario said. "Single people adopt hard-to-place kids all the time."
"I… umm… would if I could, but I'm not set up for having children here."
"The state provides funds," Mario said. "You could get a bigger place. You spend your days writing video games to help kids, you've already bonded with Irina, and two orphans who need a home have come into your life."
"You don't understand," Julia said.
"Yes, I do," Mario replied. "You've been living in a box since the bombing."
Julia looked at Mario with a start. "You know?"
Mario nodded. "Jeremy told me you came here because you couldn't live alone."
"I'm working on it," Julia said.
"Working on it? You've lived with claustrophobia for twenty years. That's what broke up your engagement."
Julia found herself restlessly pacing the floor, while saying, "It's impossible to explain, but yes, that's what caused the breakup. The feeling of being trapped wouldn't go away, and after a couple of weeks I knew I couldn't marry him. Just the thought of being in bed under the covers, and having his arms around me, triggered memories of being buried, and when he talked about going rafting, all I got was an image of capsizing and being sucked underwater. I couldn't strap him down with a wife like that, and I couldn't explain to him something I didn't understand myself, and still don't, so I broke off the engagement."
She paused to look at Mario, who was standing with his hands on his hips, looking perplexed. "Then you plan to live alone in a box for the rest of your life?" he asked.
Julia held the gaze of a man who feared nothing. How could he understand something as complex as irrational fears over things that didn't exist? "I don't know," she said, in all honesty. "I'm comfortable here, and I have my work."
"You're trapped. This is no life for a healthy woman who once told me she'd never want to be in a job that kept her inside."
"That was before. It's okay being inside now."
"It's not okay with me," Mario said.
"I know, and I don't expect you to be anything but a friend while you're here, and maybe come for dinner again."
"That's not enough either," Mario said. "When was the last time you went out just for the hell of it? I'm not talking about five minutes at the store to buy milk. I'm talking about taking your tail out from between your legs and doing something with a friend, shopping in a mall, going to the beach, riding a horse."
"I… don't remember," Julia replied. "I forced myself to go places with my family and friends, and it was okay at first, and then I had a panic attack."
The memory of that first time came racing back. She was in a shop featuring custom made handbags and travel cases, with rows of stands and racks filled with leather and canvas totes and bags, and when she backed into a rack holding shoulder bags, and the rack came tumbling down, in an instant she was back in a building that was collapsing around her…
"Did you see someone about it?" Mario asked. "Maybe go to a shrink?"
Julia shook her head. "I figured it wouldn't happen again, and it didn't for a while."
"A while being how long?" Mario asked.
"Well, maybe a couple of months."
"And you went out during that time?"
"Maybe once or twice."
"And it happened again," Mario said.
Julia nodded.
"And you still didn't see a shrink."
"I figured I just needed more time. Things were getting better," Julia replied, while starting to pace the room again. Mario was hitting on too many painful issues, and it was impossible to explain to him what went on inside her head.
"Better how?" Mario asked, refusing to drop the issue.
Julia paused because Mario was finally addressing something she could explain. "I started working with my father, who was writing scripts for video games at the time, and he got me started. It was something I could do at home to make money."
"But you still didn't go out," Mario pressed.
Julia drew in a long breath to settle the rapid beating of her heart and calm the flutters in her stomach, and said, "I did go out some, but worrying if I was going to have a panic attack was so stressful, it was easier to stay home, and then I started having hallucinations on occasion, like things were closing in on me. It was embarrassing and humiliating because I knew they were hallucinations, but I couldn't do anything about them. But I finally found a way to live with them and I'm at peace with my phobias now."
"At peace?" Mario looked at her, incredulous. "You've been living in a box for two decades. It's time you crawled out."
"You don't understand, things can happen when I venture out," Julia lamented, "not always, but at odd times when I'm caught off guard and unprepared, and I have no place to go."
"Then go to a restroom and cry," Mario said, this time with a hint of impatience.
"It's not that easy," Julia replied. "I could be on a bus, or at a movie, or at the grocery and things could be fine, then in an instant it's like everything around me is moving toward me, like it's going to crush me, and I get this rush of adrenaline, and I start shaking, and I feel like I'm back buried alive after the bombing. It's just easier to stay in my sanctuary. I have enough to do here to occupy my time, and I really have no desire to go anywhere."
Mario looked at her long and hard, the muscles in his jaws bunching, and Julia had no idea what to expect from him. She'd spent six hours with him in a place as close to hell as she could ever imagine, and during that time he was literally like her guardian angel, but she also suspected he had little tolerance for someone with irrational fears, and she was the first to admit her phobias were irrational. She just didn't know what to do about them, and staying in her safe haven allowed her to live a productive and satisfying life.
Mario drew in an impatient breath, and said in a firm voice, "Twenty years ago I put my life on the line for you and now it's payback time." He extended his arm, palm up. "I want you to take my hand and come with me."
"Come where?" Julia asked, while looking at the broad palm of a hand she'd dreamed of taking over the years, but now was uncertain.
"To the stable to saddle up a couple of horses and go for a ride."
"I can't," Julia said.
"Don't give me an excuse about your back."
"I won't, because it was an excuse."
"Then what are you afraid of? Riding?"
"No, it's not the riding. It's the chain of reactions that can happen without warning, a sound, or a quick movement, or something falling, and in an instant I feel things closing in around me and I'm back in the building when it's coming down."
"You survived," Mario said. "What do you think the odds are of something even close to that happening again?"
"Astronomical," Julia admitted, "but that's the reasoning part of my brain telling me that. I even use my logical mind to reason that because I survived something that killed many others, I was spared for a reason. Then, I can be out somewhere, like maybe trying on clothes in a fitting room, and I get a rush of adrenaline, and my heart feels as if it might explode, and things around be become distorted, and I start shaking and sweating, and if people are around it's mortifying, and I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere."
"Then we'll take things a little at a time," Mario said. "We'll go snowshoeing away from here, where there are no people."
"Mario, please don't make me do this."
"I'm not making you do anything," Mario said. "I'm asking you to trust me. I won't let anything happen to you, and the instant you feel like things are closing in around you, you can shut your eyes and bury your face in my chest until it passes. You don't need to spend the rest of your life in a box. You're long overdue rejoining the world. I'll pick up the snowshoes now and we'll start out on the trail behind the cabins. No one's there because they're all in the lodge. Meanwhile, change into layered clothes. Do you have any thermal underwear?"
"Yes, but it's packed in a trunk," Julia said,
all the while trying to think of a reason to avoid what was coming.
"A trunk here at the cabin?"
"Yes, but we probably won't be gone that long."
"It doesn't matter how long we'll be gone," Mario said. "Part of rejoining the world is to be prepared. I'll be back in a half hour. You'll thank me when this is over."
Julia found herself nodding, but the moment Mario left the cabin she started a running dialog in her head… I've changed my mind… I have a video game to finish… I'll go tomorrow…
Then she faced the reality. If she didn't take her tail out from between her legs, Mario would wash his hands of her, and somehow, the thought of that was more disconcerting than the thought of remaining in her box with her phobias.
***
At the front desk in the lodge, Mario waited while Jayne Hansen went to get a couple pairs of snowshoes from a back room, one pair for him, the other for a woman whose name he hadn't disclosed, mainly because he wanted to keep what was going on between him and Julia private. As he was waiting, Sergei tugged on his arm to get his attention, and said, "Can you show me some more marble moves?"
"Sure, but it will have to be later," Mario replied. "I'm going snowshoeing right now."
"Can I go with you?" Sergei asked.
Mario looked down at a boy whose eyes showed interest, and admiration, and came close to telling him he could, but knowing Julia would opt out if she knew Sergei would be along, he said, "Not this time, but when I get back, how about we'll saddle up a couple of horses and take them on one of the trails."
"For real?" Sergei asked.
"Sure," Mario replied. "You ever ridden a horse before?"
Sergei nodded. "Adam's been taking me out with the trail riders, and Jesse always shows me some things in the arena afterwards, and I do okay."
"Then you don't mind going again? Or would you rather play marbles when I get back?"
"Marbles!" Sergei replied.
Mario gave Sergei a high-five, and said, "It's a deal. Come to my cabin later this afternoon and we'll shove the furniture back and make a regulation, ten foot circle, and I'll get you started on how to add sidespin."
"Far out!" Sergei exclaimed, then turned away when Jesse called to him.
Mario watched as the boys went barreling out of the lodge. As an adult, he'd never spent much time around kids, but he liked his time with Sergei. It felt good knowing he might make a difference in the boy's life, even if it was to get him passionate about something as unpretentious as heading for a marbles tournament.
"Here you go," Jayne said, while passing a couple of pairs of snowshoes to him. "I take it your sister's going with you."
He looked at Jayne Hansen, whose prison background he knew in depth, but whose acquaintance, not at all, since his visits to the ranch over the years had been strictly business. With Jeremy and Billy he felt like family, but with the rest of the Hansens, he was still Marshal Moretti, and he figured it was best to keep it that way. "Julia Barker will be going with me," he replied, and added nothing more.
"I'm glad she's getting out some," Jayne said. "We heard you were the person she was trapped with. She'll need some hiking boots though, and I doubt if she has any. Give me a minute and I'll get a pair that should fit." She went back into the room behind the counter and returned holding a pair of hiking boots that looked comfortably worn, and set them on the counter. "Have you ever been snowshoeing before?" she asked.
"My sister and I own a ranch in Wyoming," Mario replied. "In winter, sometimes snowshoes are the only way to get from the house to the stock barn." He slung both pair of snowshoes over his shoulder, grabbed the hiking boots, and left the lodge.
When he arrived at Julia's cabin, the first thing she said on opening the door was, "I've been telling myself I can do this, but I won't try to hide the fact that I'm terrified."
"I know," Mario replied. "Put on the boots and I'll strap on the snowshoes when you're done." He decided early on he wouldn't accept excuses. He got the impression everyone in Julia's family had been enabling her to stay in her isolated world, but that didn't work for him.
"How far will we be going?" Julia asked, as she shoved her foot into one of the boots.
"We'll see when we get out there," Mario replied. "The exercise will do you good. I doubt you get much while sitting at a computer all day."
"I have a treadmill that's in storage," Julia said, while lacing up the boot. "I used to walk on it an hour a day."
"A treadmill won't do what fresh air does. And you need to get back to doing some of the things you used to do," Mario said. He realized he was starting to sound like a father, but maybe that's what Julia needed, someone who'd push her out of her comfort zone instead of accommodating her phobias.
"I am trying to get back to some of the things I used to do," Julia said, while pulling on the other boot.
"What, putting birdseed in feeders?" Mario replied.
"No, in addition to walking on my treadmill, I do affirmations and practice yoga, and when I get my own place I plan to have a greenhouse and raise African violets," Julia said, while knotting the laces on her boot.
Mario grabbed a snowshoe and crouched on one knee in front of her. "All your walking and affirmations and yoga, and hanging out in a greenhouse, won't do what getting out in the open country will do," he countered.
"I know, but I really want to stay close to the cabin this first time out," Julia said.
"Slip your boot into this," Mario replied, ignoring her appeal, although he was having trouble ignoring the feel of a nicely shaped calf against his palm as he guided her foot into the binding. When she said nothing more about staying near the cabin, he looked up to find her staring at him. He could see a heavy pulse beating in her throat, and her pupils were dilated, and when her tongue came out to lick her lips he had to look away, or he'd find himself kissing her again, which wasn't an option. She had a long way to go before he'd attempt to stick his finger in that light socket again.
"You're not wearing long underwear," he mumbled, as he released her leg to fasten the straps on the binding.
"How did you know?" Julia asked.
He looked up again, realizing he'd verbalized his thoughts, but the feel of Julia's leg distracted him. "There's no bulk under your sweats."
"Does it matter?" Julia asked.
He positioned her other boot into the binding of the second snowshoe, while saying, "It does if you fall and sink into wet snow." On saying the words he realized he was feeding into her phobias, so he added, "But since I'll be right beside you the whole time, I won't let you fall. So put on your hat and gloves and let's go."
Julia flat-footed her way to the window, the snowshoes flopping against the floor as she went, and said while looking out, "I have a bad feeling about this."
"That's understandable." After fastening on his snowshoes, Mario stood, pulled a wool hat over his head, put on gloves, and said, "Come on, let's go," then led the way out of the cabin.
***
Once outside, Mario offered his gloved hand for Julia to take, which surprised her, not that he'd offered his hand, but that he'd offered it out in the open, where guests and family could see them trudging along on snowshoes, hand in hand. Then she realized this wasn't about worrying what people thought. Mario didn't operate that way. It was about introducing her to a world she'd left half a lifetime ago, and making her feel secure in that world. But even with Mario traipsing along beside her, Julia felt anything but secure. The snow was wet and the snowshoes were awkward to walk on, and she found herself wanting to hold onto Mario's arm instead of his hand.
"You okay?" he asked, about the time she had that thought, making her wonder if he'd somehow read her mind.
"It's challenging walking on these things," she replied.
"You need to adjust the way you walk, "Mario said. "The idea is to lift the shoes slightly and slide the inner edges over each other, which avoids the straddle-gait, which can get tiring if you're out of condition."
&nb
sp; "I'm definitely out of condition because I keep feeling like I'm going to slip and fall, and the snow's very deep now," Julia said.
"Not deep enough to cover your head, if that's what's worrying you. All that'll happen is you'll get good and wet, and wish you'd worn long underwear." Mario gave her a look that said, 'you should have listened,' but in a teasing way, which had her smiling.
"Okay, you got your point across," Julia said. "I'll wear long johns next time, unless I get good and wet this time and decide I never want to do this again."
"There will be a next time. Guaranteed," Mario said. "Grab hold of my arm if it makes you feel more secure."
Julia immediately released Mario's hand and gripped an arm that was rock hard, even beneath the bulk of his jacket. "This is better," she said, "and I won't get my bum wet."
Mario laughed, and covered her gloved hand with his, which sent little tingles of pleasure through Julia. She could not remember when she'd felt so happy. Nor could she have imagined, when she first arrived at the ranch, that a week later she'd be holding onto Mario's arm, with his hand covering hers, while walking on snowshoes. It was as if she'd waited a lifetime for this moment, or at least twenty years.
"You're very quiet," Mario said. "Are you doing okay?"
"I'm fine." Julia looked up at him, and when he smiled, she thought he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. She knew other people didn't see him that way—his brow was etched with frown lines, and his mouth curved downward—but when he smiled, all she saw was pure joy, a face she'd like to see before bed every night, and again first thing in the morning.
Mario squeezed her hand, and said, "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now? I'm not talking about the blue-eyed, blond, Barbie doll. I'm talking about a woman with life in her eyes and color in her cheeks."
Julia's heart kicked into a fast tempo, not only because of Mario's smile, and the little squeeze he gave her hand, but because she knew he wasn't a man who'd readily compliment a woman, if at all. "I'm happy," she replied.
Finding Justice (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 12) Page 8
