Julia hated to disappoint the kids, but the thought of crawling through the low, narrow entrance into a space not much bigger than where she and Mario had been trapped for hours, was disconcerting. More than disconcerting. It was beginning to set off a chain of reactions.
Mario, who'd been standing off to the side, thrust the shovel into the snow, and leaving it standing there, walked over to Julia, and said, "It's all about empowerment."
"I know, but I just don't think I can go in there," Julia replied.
"Yes, you can," Mario said. "Don't let that thing in your head rule your life."
Straightening her back and squaring her shoulders, Julia imagined her punching bag and the grotesque face of the ogre, and deciding Mario was right, she said, "How sturdy is this thing?"
"Sturdy enough," Mario replied. "I'll come in too, and if it starts to give way, I'll punch out the side and we'll all get wet and go in the cabin and dry by the fire in our underwear."
When Julia looked around at Mario, he was smiling. Giving her shoulder a little nudge, he said in a light tone, "Quit stalling. The kids and I are getting hungry after building this thing."
Shoving her usual litany of excuses aside, Julia ducked down low and made her way through the narrow entrance. Once inside, she tried not to think about how close the walls were, or how thick, but when Mario made his way through the entry, the place darkened, bringing back memories of Mario rushing into the rubble and the building shifting, and in that instant, the small circle of light that had been her connection to the outer world, was cut off by total darkness.
That thought had barely registered when Mario was inside the quinzhee, and once again, light streamed through the opening, but by then, Julia was having trouble breathing, her heart was racing, and her hands were shaking. Seeing what was happening, Mario curved his arm around her, and said, "Take a deep breath and you'll be fine."
Irina, who had been sitting opposite Julia, scooted across the snowy floor, and raising up on her knees in front of Julia, held up her hand with the sign, "I love you."
"Oh, honey," Julia said, then opened her arms for Irina to sit on her lap.
When Sergei moved over to join the huddle, it came to Julia that she was sitting in a tiny space with Mario pressed against her on one side, Irina pinning her legs, and Sergei sitting close on the other side—though looking a little awkward like he didn't know what to do—yet, instead of going into a full-fledged panic attack because everything was closing in on her, she imagined punching the devil out of her bag, which seemed so ridiculous under the circumstances, she found herself laughing.
"What so funny?" Sergei asked.
Julia reached out and patted his face, and said, "I'm happy because the three people I care about most are here with me, and when I thought about punching my bag, I didn't panic."
"Then you're okay now?" Sergei asked.
"Yes, honey, I'm fine. But maybe we can go back to the cabin now and I'll fix something hot and delicious to fill up three hungry workers."
"Can we have another cobbler?" Sergei asked.
"It's possible," Julia replied. "I saw a freeze-dried bag with peaches on it, and if it turns out to be peach cobbler, that's what we'll have."
"Yay!" Sergei exclaimed, then darted through the entry. Irina followed close behind, but before Mario started out, he pulled Julia to him, kissed her lightly on the lips, and said, "If you hold onto your prizefighter attitude, you could be a pretty formidable female boxer."
Julia knew Mario was kidding, but the idea of signing up at a gym and getting on a regular exercise routine, or even doing a little light sparring, was not so unimaginable now.
After a dinner of hearty soup made by combining cans of beef broth, vegetable beef soup, and chili beans, and accompanied by soda crackers, canned applesauce, and peach cobbler, things settled down. Deciding that after two days, they all needed a sponge bath, Julia had Mario fill a large container with water to set on the woodstove, and while the water was heating, Sergei went back to drawing his rocket ship, and Irina sat on the floor surrounded by her gifts, which she'd arranged in a circle around herself. But Julia also saw her pick up the book, Guess How Much I Love You, and look at Mario, who was sitting on the couch, making a phone call, and she wondered if Irina wanted him to read to her, the way her father had. That is, if Irina could hear.
When the water was warm, Mario placed the huge container on the hearth in front of the fireplace and he and Sergei stripped to their waists and washed themselves, while Julia helped Irina do the same. Julia then took her own small bucket of warm water into the bedroom where she did a more through washing, which along with the image of Mario's muscular torso gleaming in the golden light by the fire, had her thinking about what that body would feel like wrapped around hers while his hands moved over her the way her wash cloth was. Other thoughts were coming too, which she couldn't suppress because she loved Mario and wanted to make that love complete, but knew the time wasn't right.
After rinsing her underwear, which she hung in the closet to dry overnight, Julia put on her jeans and shirt. She had just returned to the living room to dump the bucket of water in the sink, when she saw Irina stand, and holding the rabbit book, went over to where Mario had just set his phone on the coffee table. Irina stood looking at him for a moment, then she offered the book. But instead of taking the book, Mario patted his legs for her to sit on his lap, and after she'd settled back against him, he opened the book.
Julia expected Mario to turn the pages and silently point to the pictures, but instead, he started reading aloud, the words, "Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening. 'Guess how much I love you?' he said. 'Oh, I don't think I could guess that,' said Big Nutbrown Hare. 'This much,' said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go. Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. 'But I love you this much,' he said…"
As Mario continued reading a story about a little rabbit and his father expressing their love for each other, Irina turned her head so the side of her face was against Mario's chest, almost as if she was listening to his heart. Julia thought she'd get sleepy, with her eyes looking off, but she blinked frequently, like she was listening, or maybe responding to vibrations in Mario's chest as he read. It seemed odd that Irina didn't look at the pictures, yet her face showed recognition, like she knew the story and heard what Mario was reading. But when Mario turned the last page in the book, and read Big Nutbrown Hare's final words, "I love you right up to the moon and back," Irina shut her eyes tight, and said the word, "Daddy."
Julia looked at Mario, who was staring at Irina but saying nothing, like he didn't know what to say. Nor did Julia. Sergei was the one to break the silence. "Daddy used to read that to Irina, and they'd play big and little Nutbrown Hare, where Daddy told Irina he loved her, and Irina told Daddy she loved him more."
Mario looked down at Irina, and said the word, "I…" and hesitated, as if ready to say, I love you, but having second thoughts said, "Irina," but Irina refused to talk, and instead, buried her face in Mario's chest and cried as if her heart had broken.
Mario wrapped his arms around her and held her, but after the tears finally ceased, and Julia wiped Irina's face with a warm washcloth, Irina closed her eyes tight, like she wanted to shut out the world again, and saying nothing more, fell asleep, exhausted, against Mario's chest.
After a while, Mario, with Julia's help, tucked Irina into her sleeping bag on the couch beside Sergei, who had willingly crawled into his bag and promptly fallen asleep, then Mario left to check on the horses, and Julia went to the bedroom, knowing it would be a very long night.
Curled on her side, while leaving the bag unzipped to avoid the feeling of being confined, Julia stared out the window at the jagged silhouettes of fir trees against a moonlit sky. It was an eerie, silvery sight, and being alone in the bed, while contemplating how far from the ranch they were, was
unnerving, but more than that, she wished Mario would come sleep beside her. She wanted to be near him, not making love because circumstances with the kids wouldn't allow it, but be close to him. But this wasn't a night to think about what it could be like to share a bed when they would be entirely alone, with nothing to separate them but the flesh on their bodies.
She couldn't set aside Irina's reaction to Mario reading the book. All indications were that Irina could hear, though maybe not consciously, but on returning to the ranch, Julia intended to go online and try to find an explanation for a condition where the ears functioned, but the brain shut out the sounds. She knew only too well the extent to which the subconscious mind would go when dealing with something the conscious mind couldn't handle. She also knew, whereas Irina's mind might be able to shut out the world around her, there was still that troubling world inside her, and that's the world Julia wished she could reach before Irina would be swept away and into foster care, where she could remain in her silent world indefinitely.
Sometime later, Julia didn't know how long, she heard the floor creak and felt the mattress dip, and knew Mario had come and was stretching out behind her. He curved his arm over her, and finding her hand within the unzipped bag, closed his palm around it.
Julia brought his hand up to her chest. "I was hoping you'd come," she said.
"You were supposed to be asleep," Mario replied.
"I tried, but couldn't. I felt alone."
Mario settled against her, spoon style, and drawing her closer, he said, "I'm sorry I've been putting pressure on you to adopt the kids. I'm wanting miracles here."
"So am I," Julia replied. "I want a miracle that will make Irina whole and happy again, and I want one that will give the kids a good home, and I want one that will keep you in my life, but there are no miracles, so we are where we are right now."
"Which is where?" Mario asked.
"Me working through my phobias, and you waiting for your next assignment, which could mean you running around with a submachine gun or apprehending dangerous criminals," Julia said, while staring at the silvery shadows beyond the window.
"Not if I'm moved to Supervisory Deputy," Mario replied.
"Are you expecting that to happen?" Julia asked.
"You learn not to expect anything when it comes to promotion," Mario replied. "The service has a complex, merit-based system, but I've been told I'm next in line."
"Is that something you'd want?" Julia asked.
"Yes. It's a steppingstone to Chief Deputy, which I'd like to be before I retire," Mario replied. "But as supervisor, not only would I get a pay raise, but I'd be staying in one place while overseeing marshals instead of wiseguys."
Julia stopped herself from asking if that would be compatible with having a wife and kids. She didn't want to put pressure on Mario to do something he'd later regret, and forcing a ready-made family on him could do just that. "And if you don't get the supervisory job?" she asked. "What then?"
"I'll either volunteer for special operations or go back to babysitting stoolies," Mario replied.
"Maybe you'd get another family like Billy and Jeremy," Julia said.
"Not likely, which is why I've never married, because in the real world of witness protection, I'd be exposing my family to criminals with backgrounds that include murder, extortion, and every crime in the book. Make a deal with a wiseguy, and you make a deal with the devil. So even after they turn state's evidence in return for lifetime protection, the agreement says they have to stay clean, which isn't easy for these guys to do. They clawed their way to the top after years of highjacking, hustling, and murdering, and it's hard to leave that life behind."
"And still you're willing to put your life on the line for them," Julia said.
"I have to," Mario replied. "It's my job."
Julia said nothing, but she did understand more clearly why Mario never intended to marry, so it was a dead end for them because, even if he wanted her for his wife, she couldn't imagine living in the world he described, protecting hardened criminals who'd been placed into society under assumed names, with fabricated backgrounds, for ratting on other hardened criminals. But she couldn't imagine life without Mario either, because he was her anchor, her love, a man who'd been with her in memory for twenty years, and had at last become a reality.
She pressed his hand to her cheek, and said, "I'm dreading the day you leave, and I wish I could do something to make your life better. You forced me to go far beyond where I ever would have gone, but I've done nothing for you. It's all been about me."
Mario placed his hand on her shoulder, and nudging her onto her back, looked at her in the shadowy moonlight, and said, "You're right. It has been all about you. It's been like that since I walked away from a woman who was about to marry someone else, and she's been stuck in my heart ever since." He covered her mouth with his in a kiss that was magic in the way their lips connected, a kiss that spoke to her of affection, and longing, and deep passion. But then he pressed his lips tighter, more forced, as if this was to be their last kiss, one he'd savor for all eternity, and his hand began moving down her body, over her hip, and in the hollow beneath her ribs, but when he slipped his palm beneath her shirt and his hand found a bare breast," he let out a grunt of surprise, and said, "I wasn't expecting this."
Julia felt her heart quicken and her breaths become heavy as he rubbed her nipple into a tight nub. "I washed my underwear. You didn't come last night so I didn't think you'd be coming tonight either."
"I wasn't planning to, but I couldn't stay away." He bent over, and shoving her shirt up to expose her breasts, drew little patterns with the tip of his tongue, then taking her nipple in his mouth, sucked, and teased, and continued the patterns with his tongue, then returned to her lips, where he covered her mouth with his, and as the kiss held, and their tongues entwined, an unseen force coursed through Julia like an electrical surge, and with their synchronized breaths, the kiss was like a lifeline between two soulmates. They would not be sealing their love in the close confines of the cabin, but before Mario would leave, she would bind their souls with the commitment of their bodies, because she wanted Mario, body and soul.
When the kiss finally ended, Mario pulled her shirt down to cover her breasts, while saying, "Leaving you now is the hardest thing I've ever done." Then, as quietly as he came in, he was gone, and Julia had never felt lonelier in her life.
CHAPTER 15
It was nearly dawn by the time Julia fell asleep, and almost eight o'clock in the morning when she finally woke up. Embarrassed that she'd slept so deeply that she'd heard nothing, she said to Mario, who was putting wood in the wood stove," I don't know what happened. I never sleep this late, but it was a rough night after you left. I didn't want you to go."
Mario stood, pulled her into his arms, and said, "I left for obvious reasons. The kids didn't need to wake up and find Mr. and Mrs. Santa playing mommies and daddies."
Julia wrapped her arms around his neck and looked up at him. "You stopped short of that, which is why I couldn't get to sleep. Where are the kids?"
"Out front building a snowman. I got them started and told them to make it the best snowman ever and I'd take a picture of them, mainly to keep them occupied long enough for me to do this." He kissed her, a long kiss that had Julia wondering what would happen next, now that the physical barrier between them had lifted. She'd wondered about that throughout the night, unable to sleep, hoping Mario's miracle would happen, and somehow they'd be a family, and she'd have two children to love and raise, and Mario in her bed every night for the rest of her life. Her arms still around his neck, she said, "How was Irina this morning?"
"Silent," Mario replied, "but she wanted a hug, so I picked her up and hugged her, then I bundled her up and carried her outside and we started the snowman, but after we got three giant balls stacked, Sergei started making a snow Wonder Woman. He claimed it was a boxing vest."
"Sergei's ten."
"I know. Next Christmas he'll b
e asking Santa for condoms."
"He'll only be eleven then."
"Which is about the time boys learn that the thing in their pants has a much greater mission in life than peeing and playing with."
"Speaking of which, you must have been very frustrated when you left me last night. If we'd been alone, you wouldn't have been."
Mario's face sobered. "Is that what you want?" he asked.
"Yes," Julia replied. "It's what I've wanted since you looked at me that first day in the lodge and I knew it was you, but I was afraid of what would happen if you put your arms around me. I'd been wondering about that for years, but even with all the emotional baggage in my life, I knew with you it would be okay. I'm just sorry you left frustrated like that."
Mario let out a short, ironic laugh. "I've been frustrated like that most of my adult life."
"If it's any consolation, I'm frustrated too," Julia said. "I liked what you were doing last night and didn't want you to stop, and when we get off this mountain, I want to relieve your frustration, even under the covers. You keep wanting to expand my boundaries, and the whole act of making love, and being pinned down, and tangled in covers, is what broke up my engagement, but I know it wouldn't be like that with you."
"You're complicating my life by wanting me in your bed," Mario said. "I can't turn that down, and you'll be expecting things to happen that can't right now. I'm not in a position to make commitments, and even though I said you're not as vulnerable as you were when I first got here, you're still vulnerable, and after I leave—"
"I don't want to talk about your leaving," Julia replied. "As for commitments, I have no expectations beyond this week, except to stay in contact with you."
"I can't even guarantee that," Mario said. "If I don't get the supervisory position or join special operations, and I'm assigned the most likely witness, not even you will know where I am because this is a high profile figure with a big target on his back."
Finding Justice (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 12) Page 18
