by Jessica M.
Noticing her eyes filling at the brim, I scooted to the edge of my seat facing my wife. I in no way intended to hurt her feelings, but we needed to keep it real with each other. Babies never had and never would fix brokenness, so for a woman or man to think otherwise was foolish.
“My bad. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m just trying to be reasonable. I’ve agreed to move back in so I can make sure you and the baby are ok and to make sure I don’t miss anything, but we can’t deny that our marriage is over Kar.” I placed my hand on her knee and she covered her hand with it.
Allowing the tears to fall from her eyes, I used my free hand to swipe them away. She smiled. “I know what you’re saying is the truth, but can we at least try? I mean, you’ll be here, so why not give us a fair chance for the baby’s sake? And if you still feel that way in a few months then I’ll let you go. But just so you know, I have never slept with another man the entire time we have been married. I promise you that.” Our eyes met and I believed her.
I saw it in her eyes. She was hurt that there was a possibility that she and I wouldn’t be together, but she had come to grips with the fact that we may have to accept co-parenting. How could I turn her down? It was a fair offer. An offer and a chance our child deserved. He or she deserved us to give our marriage a fair fight.
Shaking my head in agreement, she leaned forward placing her lips on top of mine. Not fighting it, I reciprocated the kiss. I missed my wife and I hadn’t realized it until this very moment when our mouths connected. Even the night we conceived our child, I only allowed things to go as far as they did because I felt sorry for her that day and plus, she had always been the shit when it came to giving head, but this right here and now was different.
Now all I had to do was break the news to Kash that I was giving my marriage another chance for the baby.
Kashae
Later That Evening…
“Wow bitch! That’s some crazy shit!” Meesha passed the blunt to me, shaking her head in disbelief.
She was the only person I could confide in about the Don and Karmen situation without worrying about it getting back to anyone. The plan was that Don and I wouldn’t tell one soul about us until his divorce was final, but with my calls and texts going unanswered it seemed like that damn divorce was on hold. How could I be so stupid? I was on the brink of ruining my relationship with my sister and risking my entire family turning their backs on me for a man that only viewed me as something to do to pass his time away.
I thought Don and I had solidified a future together. We wanted the same things and we were on the same page about life, but now since Karmen had laid it on him about being pregnant, he was ignoring me. He agreed to move back in with her for the sake of the baby. I had no right to be upset. Hell, I knew that! But I was. He promised me he didn’t want her anymore, but how was she pregnant? He owed me an explanation but instead of being here explaining things to me, he was ignoring me and preparing for his new life with my sister and their child.
How could I go back over there and face them? Either one of them for that matter. I was angry, hurt, and disappointed. I had given Don my virginity because he promised me a life together. There was no way I could face him and Karmen not see the rage I felt. I knew eventually he would have to show his face here to get his shit, so I’d just hang tight until he came. He could try and avoid me as much as he liked, but his ass would be back. All of his shit was here.
My head was pounding and I wasn’t sure if it was from the weed or from the fact that I had not eaten all day. Earlier when I was at my sister’s place, I felt faint but I chopped it up as being upset about hearing about her pregnancy, but now I had a bad headache and I felt nauseous. This thing with Don was literally making me sick. How could he do me like this? Shit, do us like this?
“I know it’s a lot, right?” I took a pull from the blunt and instantly had to jump up and run to the bathroom.
Leaping up from the couch, I ran to the bathroom down the hall and puked my guts out. Meesha was on my ass, grabbing a face towel from the linen closet inside the bathroom and running water over it. Kneeling down to wipe my forehead and my face, she sucked her teeth.
“Wouldn’t it be some shit if your ass was pregnant too?” She giggled.
In my eyes that was impossible, but was it? Don and I had sex numerous times, some with protection and some without, but he was more experienced with sex as he would often say, and his pull out game was strong. I recalled laughing whenever he said that, but damn, I wasn’t laughing now. What if, what if I were indeed pregnant too? No, that couldn’t be it. I was just upset about the whole Karmen and Don situation and my body was reacting to it. That’s normal. Right?
Standing, I jerked the cold towel from Meesha’s hand and rinsed it out in the sink as she laughed, leaning against the bathroom door while I cleaned myself up.
“Not possible.” I shrugged off her statement.
“Oh, but it is. If y’all fucking, then bitch it’s possible. When was your last period hoe?”
She was steady laughing, making light of a very serious situation. If this shit were true, my life was over. There was no way Karmen and I could be pregnant at the same time by the same man. That shit sounded like some Young and the Restless, Bold and the Beautiful type shit.
“Shut up Meesha! I had my period.” I walked off, bumping her shoulder heading back to the family room.
Snatching up my phone from the sofa that I previously occupied, I went to my period app to see when my period was expected. This app was the shit. I discovered it about a year ago when I never could keep up with them. Ever since then, I had a built-in calendar on my phone and that app was dead on point every month. Now imagine my surprise when it popped up, I was five days late. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, causing pains that struck like lightning.
Dropping my phone, it hit the floor and tears rushed my eyes falling like Niagara Falls.
“Damn bitch! You’re pregnant by your sister’s husband!”
* * *
The Next Day……
Last night I had to put Meesha’s ass out because this was no joke. All she was doing was smoking and laughing at my situation, but this shit was serious. I had to know what was going on before contacting Don. He had been ignoring me since yesterday and right now, I was glad that he did. I couldn’t face him right now, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t wondering if he and Karmen shared the same bed and if they had make-up sex. My insides twisted in knots just thinking of him being inside of her, tasting her, touching her, and feasting on body like he did to me.
Showering and trying to get myself together as best as I could, I headed out to my fate. It didn’t take long to get to my destination but the wait was ridiculous. Stepping inside this filth, I was immediately asked to sign in, urinate in their little plastic cup, and have a tube of blood drawn. From my understanding, they did this to everyone who came through the door before you actually saw a doctor or nurse practitioner. After following all of their instructions, I finally sat for what seemed like an eternity before someone actually called my name.
Kashae Howard, the lady yelled from afar, but my ass couldn’t move. It was like I had cement blocks on my ankles or something. Hearing my name made this shit real to me. It was like I knew she held my fate in her hands and I wasn’t ready to hear it just yet. After hearing my name in the distance for at least three more times, I finally willed myself in the direction of the person who was calling my name.
I could tell once I approached her that she was irritated at my slow response, but I didn’t give a fuck because the words that would soon flow from her mouth could potentially ruin me. Shit, not just me, but my entire family. My family had high hopes for me. Hell, I had high hopes for myself, but one wrong move, one wrong choice was about to make or break my ass.
Lord, if you fix this shit, I promise I’ll pay my ten percent and keep my hot ass legs closed! Come on Jesus! I glanced up to the ceiling in hopes that my prayers were heard.
The lady dressed in beige slacks, a long-sleeve, dingy, white blouse with some black kitten heels my granny used to wear, glared at me tight lipped and I knew she was pissed, but I didn’t care. Her being pissed didn’t move me one way or another. I had bigger shit on my mind. Sweeping her hand across her forehead to move a strand of her matted, dusty weave from her face, she finally spoke after giving me the side eye.
“Kashae?” she questioned, looking from the paperwork, then to me.
All I did was nod and she spun around, walking quickly down a hallway where there were numerous waiting areas with bunches of people who were looking just like me.
Lost.
Broken.
Hurt.
Unlike those people, my ass didn’t have to be at this run-down ass, stinky ass health department, but there was no way I could have visited my regular doctor that I had been seeing since I was kid who knew my entire family. So, here I was at the Greenville County Health Department about thirty minutes from my hometown.
Finally stopping in front of one of the open door rooms, the lady slipped inside, moving out of the way to allow me in before she closed the door behind us. Once the door was shut, she sat down on the round, silver stool with a clipboard in her hands.
“Have a seat.” She gestured to one of the chairs next to the examination bed.
Sitting down, suddenly my body began to shake. It was cold, but my shaking wasn’t from the chilly health department room, but from the nervousness that swept through my body as I waited for what she had to say.
My results.
Faintly smiling, she flipped through the paperwork, before her eyes landed back on me.
“Ok, so you’re here because you said you missed a period and have been feeling nauseous, faint, and light headed.” She sighed.
Damn, just say it lady! I have already pissed in your cup and had blood drawn. Now just tell me what it is! I wanted to scream, but instead, I nodded my head like a two-year-old that had been caught stealing candy. Ashamed was just one word to describe how I was feeling.
Guilty.
Yes, that was another word that consumed me. I was definitely guilty. Guilty of betraying someone I loved and cared about.
“Ok, well, Miss Howard, you are indeed pregnant.” She smiled.
She was smiling, but my ass was dying inside. It was like my soul had been snatched and I was headed to heaven or hell. Right now, either would suffice. Anywhere was better than being here.
As the word pregnant rolled from her lips, my life seemed to stop. My heartbeat sped up and my ass fell out of the chair and wept like this bitch said I had AIDS. She fell to my side, pulling me in trying her best to console me. She just didn’t know there was nothing she could say or do to make me feel better. Tears fell from my eyes like raging waters. My life was indeed over. My family was ruined.
“Honey, it’s not that bad. The paperwork says that you are twenty years old. I’ve seen babies come in here having babies. I’m sure your family will help you out. You seem like you might come from a good home.” She continued doing her best to encourage me, but I had completely zoned out. She caressed my shoulders and pulled me under her arm like a mother would.
My mother, oh my god, what will my mother think?
My father! Oh my god, he will disown me.
And my sister!
What have I done?
All I could do was cry. My head was pounding and my body was trembling like I was having a seizure.
Pulling away from our embrace, she reached over my shoulder to the desk that sat behind us and grabbed a tissue. Dabbing my face for me, I still cried as she did all she could to clean up my appearance.
“Listen, I have pamphlets for support groups for first-time mothers. I also have the name of a few places you can go to get treatment while you’re pregnant, and I have a list of places you can go if you decide not to keep the baby. Now, we here don’t condone abortions, but it’s not our decision, so we will do all we can to help you make the best decision for you. We are here to help you.”
Help me? There wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to help me at this point, but she did give me an idea.
Abortion.
Could I kill my baby? It’s my fault, not my unborn child’s, that I was reckless and selfish, but it would save a lot of heartbreak if I just got rid of it. Shit, my father would kill me if I had an abortion. He would probably kill me if he knew I was having sex. I was his baby girl. I could do no wrong in my father’s eyes.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I had no choice. Abortion.
Yea, that’s it. I’ll just get rid out of it and ask God to forgive me.
This baby had to go.
“Listen, take a breather honey. Let me get you some water. You need to calm down; it’s not healthy for you or your unborn baby. I’ll give you a few minutes alone and then I’ll be back with your water and paperwork. Hopefully, you will feel better by then.” She stood, but I stayed put on the cold, hard, nasty tile floor with my knees tucked to my chest and under my chin.
This lady could stay gone as long as she wanted to with her water, pamphlets, or whatever else she had to offer because no matter when she returned, my problems weren’t leaving.
I was pregnant with my sister’s husband’s baby, and no support group or pamphlets would help me with that.
I sat with my knees tucked to my chin for almost an hour before the doctor said I had to leave. Dragging myself from the examination room, through the hallways, and out the door to my car, I was here, but I wasn’t, if you get what I mean. Sitting in my car with the engine running, I couldn’t even lift my hand to put my car in gear.
I was stuck.
The words replayed in my head over and over, making me sick to my stomach all over again.
You are indeed pregnant!
What was I to do?
How could I face Karmen?
My parents?
The church?
God? I was for sure going to hell. Some things you just couldn’t be forgiven for, and this had to be one of them.
Finally, grabbing a tissue from my console, I dabbed my red swollen eyes, willing myself to get it together, but I couldn’t.
Flipping my visor, I looked at myself. I was terrible for what I had done. Even if they were on the verge of divorcing I had inserted myself into their marriage. What was I to do now? I had to get an abortion there was no other way around it. It was the only option to keep the peace and not hurt anyone.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly released it, tugging my gear shift into drive. In slow motion, I headed back in the direction of Don’s place. Trying to decide the entire time I drove if I should tell him about the pregnancy or just make the appointment to end this pregnancy. Right now I didn’t have an answer. My mind was in overdrive.
Rounding the corner to his place, I spotted Don’s red Camaro in the driveway before I actually parked at the little convenience store where I often left my car. Not sure if I was ready to face him, I sat in the car for fifteen minutes once I realized he wasn’t leaving. Stepping out of my ride, I locked it, walking down the street in the direction of his place. I usually walked swiftly to get to his place, but today, I couldn’t care less if someone spotted me. I was all out of fight at this point, and there was no way my situation could get any worse than it already was.
I was pregnant by my brother-in-law.
The shit made me quiver just thinking about it.
Reaching the driveway, my steps grew smaller as if the longer I took to get there, maybe my situation would change. Who was I kidding? It wasn’t possible. Not knowing exactly what I was going to do or say, I headed up the stairs and to the door. Inserting the key Don had given me, I stepped inside and there he was, with his fine ass. Sitting on the sofa straight up, with his elbows positioned on his knees with a Corona in his hands, our eyes met and he smiled, but I could tell it was forced. We didn’t have shit to smile about.
I wanted answers.
Hell,
I needed them because until I had them, we couldn’t move forward.
“Hey,” he spoke up as I placed my purse on the table next to where he sat.
“How is it possible?” I leaned against the table with my eyes planted on Don.
Tears began to well up in my eyes unexpectedly.
There was no need to beat around the bush. Don and I were together. As silly as it sounded, his marriage was supposed to be over months ago. So, how did my sister end up getting pregnant?
“Right to it, huh?” He scoffed, taking a swig of his beer.
“Tell me Don! Karmen says she’s pregnant by my man and I want to know how a confirmed divorce meeting turns into you moving back in playing family man!” I swiped the tears that fell from my eyes.
You damn right I was pissed! Contrary to what the reality was about Don and Karmen being married, in my heart he was still mine. We were planning a life together and in a matter of twenty-four hours, that was no longer the case. So, yes, I wanted to know what the hell was going on and how she was carrying his child.
“I’m sorry Kash.” He placed his beer on the table and stood.
Walking in my direction, he reached for my hand, but I jerked it away.
“Sorry? You’re sorry? No, Don! Tell me now how Karmen is carrying your child!” I demanded.
The longer he stood there with his head hung low, I already knew the answer to my own question.
Don had betrayed me just like he had done my sister.
Technically, that wasn’t even possible since he was married to Karmen, but my heart was definitely broken. It was supposed to be Don and I forever. We talked about our wants and needs. How honesty and communication were the greatest gifts that would hold any relationship together. But here he was with his head hung low like a dog that had been caught with his tail between his legs.
The trust was gone and there was nothing Don could say to fix this.
