by Yoru Sumino
“Yes, I asked her to. I have some business with Kiriyuu-kun.”
Hearing the word “business,” Kiriyuu’s mother made the same face that Hitomi-sensei had that morning. She was troubled. Perhaps even she thought it was my fault that Kiriyuu-kun hadn’t been coming to school, even though this was the first time I had ever spoken to her.
“Business?” she asked.
I gave an honest response. If you want someone to believe you, you can only give them the truth. “I came to tell him that I’m his ally, and that I want him to come back to school. If he doesn’t, then I won’t have anyone to pair up with during class.”
I could tell that she let her guard down a little. Sure enough, telling the truth was the only way to go—honest people get results. She smiled. “Come on in.”
It was the first time I had been inside his house. The smells of cooking and laundry permeated the whole building, so much stronger than in mine. That was probably because people were only in my home from night until morning. A while ago, I might even have been jealous.
I was led to the living room, where I sat on the sofa and drank the orange juice she gave me. It was reason enough to be glad I’d come. Orange juice was sweet and delicious. As I drank it, I asked Kiriyuu’s mother about something that had bothered me since I’d entered the house.
“Where’s Kiriyuu-kun? Did he go out?” I asked,
She shook her head, sipping her coffee. “Hikari is in his room upstairs. He spends most of his time shut up in there.”
“I wonder if he’s drawing.”
I had merely said what I was thinking, but Kiriyuu’s mother looked surprised.
“Oh? You know about his drawing, then? He’s always hiding it.”
“He always hides it at school, too. He’s so good at it though, he should show it off more. I think his drawings are beautiful.”
If there was a moment when I fully won over Kiriyuu’s mother, that was it. There really was nothing to be gained from telling lies.
“If Kiriyuu-kun has been locking himself up in his room drawing this whole time, then he has my support and I can’t wait to see. But I can’t support him in hiding something that he likes.”
“Tell that to Hikari. You really are his ally, Koyanagi-san.”
“Yes, I have never once been his enemy.”
I finished my orange juice and climbed the stairs to the second floor, led by Kiriyuu’s mother, who was still smiling. There was a brightly lit hallway on the second floor with a number of doors, none with any defining characteristics. We came to a stop before one of them. It was a subdued door, not plastered up with pictures as mine was.
Kiriyuu’s mother knocked. “Hikari, there’s a friend here to see you.”
We weren’t friends, but I was busy listening for the response from behind the door and did not bother to say this. A short time passed before there was any reply.
“Who is it…?”
The voice was very weak. Anyone who didn’t know Kiriyuu-kun would probably think that he was sick. However, knowing him from all our time in the classroom, I did not think it differed from his normal voice in the slightest.
Before his mother could say my name, I took a step closer. “It’s me.”
I could tell right away that he recognized me. I heard a scrambling sound from within. What was he so frantic about? I wasn’t like those idiots who picked on him.
“Why…?” he asked.
The question sounded as though it came from the bottom of his heart.
“I brought you your handouts. And I copied my class notes for you.”
“Hitomi-sensei didn’t come…to bring those?”
“I came instead. I’m the one who copied the notes over. Plus, there’s something I want to tell you.” Kiriyuu-kun gave no reply. And so, I continued. “Listen, Kiriyuu-kun. I’m your ally. I’ve never once been your enemy. So, you can come to school at ease.”
Still he said nothing.
“You might’ve gotten the wrong impression, but I really am your ally. If anything happens, me and Hitomi-sensei will both fight for you. But you have to fight, too. Life is like the first runner in a relay. If you don’t start moving, the race won’t ever begin.”
Predictably, he stayed silent.
“That’s what I came to tell you today.”
I don’t know if I was able to get across everything that I wanted to say, but I had at least said the most important thing. I fell quiet and waited for his reply.
That waiting seemed to stretch on forever. Thankfully, before I could grow any older, his reply finally came. However, it was one I could not accept.
“Go home…”
I was stunned. His next words came flying out like an attack.
“Don’t come back. I’m not going to school anymore.”
What shocked me was not only the meaning of his words, but the scent of his voice, which was the same scent I had gotten when he glared at me in the classroom.
I was utterly lost. Kiriyuu’s mother probably was as well. Unthinking, I put my hand on the door.
“Why?”
“I’m not going to fight.”
It was those words. Those words were the wrong ones. Those words lit a horrible flame in my heart. The spark of what happened that afternoon was still burning, and it now blazed in the wrong direction. I had already forgotten that his mother was standing behind me.
“If you don’t fight, people are going to keep making fun of you.”
Silence.
“About your drawing, and your father.”
Silence still.
“You haven’t done anything wrong! People are all wrong about you! You have to fight!”
I was frustrated. Frustrated by the fact that Kiriyuu-kun was being ridiculed, that he would not fight for himself, and that there was nothing I could do about it.
“No,” Kiriyuu-kun said softly. “I’m not strong like you.”
“You…coward!!!”
My voice came out so loud. I must have sucked in so much air that I was surprised the people around me didn’t suffocate. I was shocked by my own voice, but more than that…
“Go home!”
I had heard Kiriyuu-kun shout before, so this was not what surprised me.
“I hate them! I hate all of them! But I hate you the most!”
I was sure that he was crying, though I did not know what about. Normally, I would have said something like “I thought that men didn’t cry,” but I was too shocked. I was shocked that he was hurt, and at how black my own heart became at those words.
I could not stay here any longer. Although I knew it was rude, I shoved the notes from my backpack into Kiriyuu’s mother’s hands and fled the house.
I even ignored my faithful friend as I left, rushing to sit down on a bench at the edge of a park. And then, before my little friend’s curious eyes, I wept.
I did not go to see Skank-san or Granny that day. I still had plenty of time until curfew, but I couldn’t possibly go to see them with tears in my eyes.
Chapter 8
THE NEXT DAY, Kiriyuu-kun did not come to school, just as he had said. Somehow I managed to drag myself there, the blackness still lingering in my heart. I couldn’t possibly skip school after being so adamant that Kiriyuu should come. And yet, he did not show.
I prayed that the darkness inside my body would leave, but it was not going anywhere. Of course, I wanted to go back home. I wanted to hurry up and see my friends. That was my only wish. I wanted to see Skank-san, and Granny, and Miss Bobtail.
Come to think of it, where had Minami-san gone?
As I thought about my missing friend during social studies, I found myself on the verge of tears again. I decided to go to the library during break. There, the smell of the books and the treasures concealed within were sure to give me some comfort.
This plan was at least mildly successful. The darkness still remained within me, but at least its rampaging was contained and I managed to keep my tears held back.
<
br /> I could at least keep the wicked thing at bay until after school. That way, I could eat ice cream with Skank-san like always, and go to Granny’s to eat sweets. It would be best if I could simply forget about Kiriyuu; if I could forget about all the unpleasant things.
Such was my way of thinking. And yet I could not think that way for long. I had to find a better way to clear this gloomy shroud from my heart.
It was as I was leaving the library that I saw him, walking a bit ahead of me down the hall. I approached him from behind and called out.
“Salutations, Ogiwara-kun.”
His shoulders trembled, as though my greeting had surprised him. While waiting for him to turn around, I thought about what I was going to say. I’ve been reading Our Seven Days’ War lately. What have you been reading, Ogiwara-kun?
If there was still one person in our class who didn’t hate me, even if he was the only one, then that would lighten the load on my heart. I prayed only for that. And yet, life is like a fever when you’re sick: it’s usually worse than you imagine.
I had called Ogiwara-kun’s name. And yet, he showed no signs of turning to meet me. Worse, he began walking faster towards the classroom.
Thinking that perhaps he hadn’t heard me, or that he was surprised about something else, I called out to him once more.
“Hey, Ogiwara-kun.”
He did not reply, nor did he stop. It was odd. I called to him one more time.
“Ogiwara-kun?”
Sure enough, he did not turn. I called his name again and again, each time my voice growing louder. By the time we reached the classroom, my voice was as loud as it had been yesterday with Kiriyuu-kun.
“Ogiwara-kun!”
Without a reply, Ogiwara took his seat and opened his textbook. I only had a vague idea of what was going on, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. However, I knew from the way that the boys of my class grinned, with dirty looks upon their faces, that my wish was not going to come true.
Ignoring someone. The most foolish, idiotic form of bullying.
Until then, I had not thought to worry myself so much over it. Now, however, my heart was taken by a darkness that grew even hungrier. My heart was consumed by the knowledge that even I could be bullied, and even Ogiwara-kun could participate in it.
I only learned far later that it was Ogiwara-kun who spread the rumors about Kiriyuu-kun’s father. None of that would have mattered to me in that moment, though. In that moment, my mind was in disarray. I was devastated that Ogiwara-kun had betrayed me. That the whole world had.
I don’t remember any of the time that passed between that moment and when I arrived at Skank-san’s home that afternoon.
When I finally snapped back to reality, I was ringing Skank-san’s doorbell. I could not recall how I had gotten there. Miss Bobtail was not present. Before I knew it, my finger was simply on the bell.
“Coming,” said Skank-san’s sleepy, warm voice from within.
The door cracked open, and Skank-san’s sleepy face peered out. When she saw my face, she invited me in without another word.
I shed my shoes, entering the room and shuffling to the corner. I huddled up there, my face buried. She had already seen me plainly, but wearing a pitiful face wasn’t clever-seeming at all, and so I pulled myself into a little human triangle.
Even as she came back into the room, Skank-san didn’t ask about it. I heard the sound of her opening the refrigerator and placing something atop the table near me.
“I found this while I was out today and I thought it was unusual, so I bought some. Eat up.”
I shook my head, not even looking up to see what it was. It made a swishing sound as my forehead rubbed against the fabric of my skirt.
I heard her stand up again, and the smell of coffee wafted over—two of my favorite things. However, I was in no mood for it today.
Perhaps she is annoyed, even angry, I thought. Here was this horribly rude child who suddenly burst into her house crying, and wouldn’t even say a thing.
She finished making her coffee and returned to where she had been sitting. All I could hear was the sound of the air conditioner. Even that only lasted a short while. Soon after, I heard another sound.
“Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way, sooo thaaat’s why I set ooout to find it todaaay!”
I heard Skank-san’s beautiful singing voice reaching both heights and depths that I could not yet reach myself. Like a picture painted up in shifting reds and blues.
She is probably trying to get me to cheer up, I thought, but I could not sing.
Her singing stopped on a dime.
“What is happiness?” she asked suddenly.
I was sure she could see my ears prick up at this. I buried my face deeper into my knees, but she continued talking.
“I’ve been thinking about it ever since you first asked.”
“…”
“I just figured out the answer today.”
I lifted my head, but just as I was about to meet her eyes, I flopped back down again. There was the wonderful smell of her coffee (despite its bitter taste), and the gaudy scent of her perfume and makeup. I was intrigued to hear Skank-san’s answer.
Because the room was so quiet, she could probably tell that my interest had been piqued. She gulped down a mouthful of coffee.
“Now, this is just my answer, so it’s probably different from yours. But it might give you some hint, so I thought I would share it with you.” She did not wait for me to acknowledge her. “Happiness is being able to think seriously about someone.”
“…”
“I went shopping today. I bought food for breakfast tomorrow, and drinks, and a new bottle of shampoo. It was a normal, everyday task, something I do every single day, nothing special at all. As I bought my bread and milk, I thought about whether I had forgotten to buy anything. It occurred to me that you might be coming over today, and that I should buy something sweet. I tried to remember what we’d eaten together before, what we might eat together today, and how I hoped it would make you happy. Before I knew it, I was thinking about nothing but you.”
I remained quiet, and she continued.
“When I realized this, I was surprised. I had never thought that seriously about anyone, not in a long time. There was never anyone who I wanted to make happy, who I wanted to spend time with. I had given up on all that. It had been so long, I’d forgotten just how full your heart could be when you give all your thoughts to someone.”
“…”
“You know something, little miss? I’ve grown into an adult who just gives up on things that I don’t like, or things that are painful. I was able to fake it before, but I wasn’t happy. I had already forgotten the shape of happiness. But, today, I finally remembered it.”
“…”
“I’ve remembered the shape of happiness, all thanks to you. Thank you.”
I could tell that she had stood up. The floorboards creaked here and there. As she moved, it made a sound like a mouse’s cry. The squeaking sound drew nearer and nearer, and then it stopped. Skank-san sat down beside me, close enough for me to feel her gentle warmth.
“That’s the end of my babbling. Thank you for listening,” she said. “I know that listening to adults can be boring. That’s just like you, though, to be able to sit and listen so quietly. All right, here’s your reward for paying attention to my boring story.”
She wrapped her pretty fingers around my hands.
“As thanks, if there’s ever anything that you want to talk about, I will always listen for as long as you like.”
I might just cry again, I thought, but I didn’t.
Her words had made me happy. They overflowed with kindness, but they were not coddling. I really do hope that I grow into an adult like her someday, I thought. Plus, she said that she’s found happiness thanks to me. There no greater joy than that.
It would have been nice if I could jump for joy now, but I could not. I couldn’t believe in her idea of happi
ness.
I spoke in my crumpled voice for the first time that afternoon. “I thought about it.”
“Hm?”
“I thought really hard! But it was pointless!” It wasn’t right to shout at Skank-san so loudly. I took a breath. “I’m sorry.”
But aside from my loud voice, I could not apologize for my reaction.
“I thought long, and I thought hard about it. I thought about it day and night. I thought about it, just like you said! I thought about my classmate harder than I ever thought about anything, but all it did was get me ignored! He said that he hated me! That isn’t happiness.”
“I see…”
“I’m done thinking about other people.”
“Don’t say that.”
Her words were scolding, like a schoolteacher’s. Adults were always saying that friendship was the most important thing in this world. She was probably angry at me for saying something so out of line. I was disappointed in myself. That was not what friends did. However, the next thing she did assured me that I was not being scolded.
She squeezed my hands. And then, in a quiet voice that seemed to hold back a world of sorrow, she said, “You’ll end up like me.”
I don’t know why there was such unconcealed sadness buried in her voice.
“So you mustn’t think like that.”
“Why not?”
My question came from the bottom of my heart. Skank-san is such a wonderful person, I thought. I wished that all adults were like her. No, I wished that all people could be as wonderful as her. If so, we would have a world where everyone was clever, with a wonderful smell. A world so beautiful it could not even be drawn in pictures.
“I want to be an adult just like you. If I was as smart, and nice, and wonderful as you, I wouldn’t need any friends at school.”
I squeezed her hands back. As I did, she let out a slow, quiet sigh that I did not understand. It was so quiet that I could hear the air conditioner again.
“There’s a dream I have often. I had that same dream again this morning.”
“What…kind of dream?”
“I dream about a girl. This girl is smart and reads tons of books and knows a lot of things, which makes her think that she’s a very special person. Different from everyone around her.”
