Mazey says yeah even from the beginning, remember Bimz that time when we was all here and Snoopz had the envelope and—
Bimz cuts in: and my man starts talking about robbing him, oh my days. He stops to draw his zoot.
Mazey says you tellim, I can’t tell it as good.
I say what? What you man chatting about? I pause the game.
Mazey says let me draw dat Bimz, and Bimz passes him the zoot.
Blood watch the ting, my man wanted to rob you when he first met you you know, says Bimz and when he says this it sounds like he’s got a blocked nose coz he’s still holding smoke in his lungs, trying not to breathe it out.
Whatdafuck?
Bimz says remember when you was here and you had dat envelope with the three bags inside it?
A scene in his bedroom creeps into my mind.
Bimz says that was the first time you met Gotti and you was showing us the p’s you got from some move you done. When you left, Gotti asked us if he could rob you and we told him blood if you try dat it’s gonna be World War Three, myman is not a joke.
I say why didn’t you man tell me?
Bimz says coz two twos you man linked up on your own and started eating people n getting up to madness, so I wasn’t gonna preach to you. Bro, I can’t say that I’ve seen mandem who were tight like that.
I rock back on the bed and say myman wanted to snake me from the beginning?
Mazey says don’t get it twisted Snoopz, he was fully down for you when you lot was doing your ting innit, but the first time he saw you that’s what he said coz he didn’t know you.
Mazey draws the zoot and says it woulda been World War Three forreal, I swear Snoopz by looking at you, mandem can’t really tell you’re on soaking people up. But issa good ting still, man are not ready.
Bimz laughs high-pitch joker laugh and says man are not ready forreal. Then he kisses his teeth and his voice goes low, oi pass it back blood, you already hit dat, and Mazey gives him back his zoot. I put the control pad on the bed and say yo I don’t even wanna play no more, Maze you can have my go, and I rub my eyes like I’m trying not to fall asleep.
It’s like the first week of June when I hear from next mandem in SK that Gotti got shift and is in pen on remand, awaiting trial for robbery. I don’t know if it’s for one of the moves we did, but even though he snaked me, I dun know he’d never break the code and snitch on man. Little Man got shift for shotting food and he’s in Feltham coz he’s still young enough to be in Young Offenders. Then I hear that Tyrell went and handed himself in to feds for the moves when he was our driver. He wasn’t even wanted. What a neek. Tyrell always wanted to feel like he was a badman even though he didn’t have the heart for it. I guess a long prison sentence is gonna make him feel like he finally earned some stripes. Eedyat. The things certain man will do for reputation when it’s beyond their actual reach – beyond their capabilities. Whatever. Either way all them man are gonna get years inside. Years.
I take Gotti’s garms, the shiny Bapes and the brown leather jacket and the D&G jeans, and go to shot them at one shop in Notting Hill Gate. The brer behind the counter offers me twenty pounds for the whole lot. Twenty fucking pounds. Are you mad? I want to lean over the counter and grab the brer and shake him and say do you fucking realise who used to wear these garms? Do you realise that the person who used to rock these creps isn’t just your average human? Would you be capable of doing the things he did? But instead I just look down at the garms spread out on the counter and then I say I’ll give you the jeans and Bapes for fifteen. The man says done and I leave with the jacket, although I’m not ready to put it on and I don’t know when I will be.
Later I see Kaution, one of the up n coming youngers from SK, in Precinct. He comes over and says wagwan and I tell him about Gotti.
He says you know that time that Gotti shanked up Stefano five times yeah?
I say what? Gotti shanked up Stefano? Gotti?
Yeah you know that brer who was tryna shot food on the strip n dat, he says.
Yeah I know who Stefano is. But wait, you’re saying Gotti shanked up Stefano yeah?
Yeah, that’s what Gotti told me.
I shake my head and laugh, broken glass in my mouth and I say Gotti never shanked up Stefano. It was me. Then I walk back to Bimz’s without saying anything else, while Kaution stands there in the middle of the precinct.
CHICKEN AND CHIPS
Meditation on inevitable death should be performed daily … every day without fail one should consider himself as dead.
Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai
I SWEAR DOWN I’d seen it happen to me before it even happened, in visions, in dreams, in my imagination.
I’m feeling more and more parro, tryna drown my thoughts in clouds of loud – bunning amnesia non-stop, morning to night – and I only want the strongest punk I can get to lick off my head and send me to sleep. But on a real it doesn’t work, it just makes me lose myself in a maze of thoughts while time drifts by without me noticing and I have to snap myself back. Mad ting.
If I’m walking on road alone and people pass me, I’ll start thinking that they’re chatting about me, hearing snatches of conversation that my mind turns into something that relates to me. Sometimes, I swear I can hear people chatting behind me and when I turn around to see who it is, there’s no one there. When people make eye contact with me on the tube or in the street, I put it on them quicktime and say dafuck are you looking at? Or say some next mandem are clocking me, I’ll screwface them while I put my hand in my pocket, feel for my borer – I bought a new one couple weeks back, with a metal handle that won’t break like the last one – and flick the blade out in my pocket, ready to stab man in the face. Waiting for it to pop off. But it never does.
It’s as if I’m preparing for something inevitable and necessary. I’m on road on my ones a lot more now since Gotti snaked me and Rex got locked up, and I feel more alone. I catch myself hoping that suddenly Gotti will call me and it’ll turn out to be some massive misunderstanding, but I know I’m lying to myself and then my heart fills with anger, red hot, melting, like the only way to remove it would be to cut my chest open and pull it out. I can’t get juiced on Rémy Red no more coz it reminds me of Gotti and without him I’m back to walking the long way from Precinct to Uncle T’s, avoiding D-block just in case someone tries calling me out, but even more because I’ve started thinking about what Bimz said when he warned me about rolling with Gotti – now that he’s birded off, what if someone does what Bimz said they might: use me to take whatever revenge they wanna take for getting robbed by Gotti?
During the final term of my second year, I go to a warehouse in east London with Capo and buy a bulletproof vest. But after couple weeks of rocking it every day I stop, coz my T-shirt is always soaked in sweat and the material of the vest starts smelling kinda frowzy, which really isn’t a good look, especially if I’m linking gyal.
When the second year of uni is done, I come back to my parents’ flat and I can see my father is itching to say something. One evening, before going to bed, he stops in the doorway of the kitchen while I’m sitting at the table going through my phone and says you know Gabriel, biggest worry of my is that one day someone will come here and try to kill you. Or the police will come to tell me you are dead. Or that you kill someone.
I look up and say Tata no one knows that this is my family home, no one knows. Don’t worry, and he stares at me like he’s concentrating on an X-ray, looking for the detail that a doctor warned him was there, and then he says goodnight and goes to bed.
I never thought my father worried about me like that. Now I realise that adults are really just grown-up children. When you’re a yout, you think your parents are invincible. Like they don’t ever feel fear or worry or sadness or any of that shit. Like they never tell lies or want more than they already have. But it’s not actually like that. Parents are grown-up children with their own fears and sadness which they carry with them all the
time, it’s just that as they grew up they learned how to hide it all. In their hearts they’re still the same, it’s their bodies and faces that look different, and they have just a bit more understanding of the world that surrounds them. I wonder what my parents were like as children, what combination of fears and hopes they grew up with. If I could go back in time to a moment before the world knew I would exist, before they even knew of each other’s existence, I’d tell them be strong, brace yourselves, it’s only just started.
Now that I’ve finished my second year of uni, I’ve got plenty of time to kill so I go to Grove to buck Dario who’s back in London. I’ve got a tazer on me that I recently copped and I go round to this massive twenty-four-floor block in Latimer Road where he’s cotching with all these Grove olders. I pull out the tazer and one of them offers to buy it from me. I wanna get some chicken n chips coz my belly’s rumbling, but I literally have no p’s on me so I’m like I’ll shot you the tazer for edge note. One Filipino brer gives me the fifty pounds and starts tazing himself with it right there and then in the front room, pressing the tazer to his arm and dropping it as the electricity zaps him. Then everyone else starts having a go at tazing themselves to see if they can hack it.
Me and Dario leave the block and start bopping to the chicken shop next to Ladbroke Grove station. We come onto the main road, which to Grove mandem is frontline – it’s where they shot work and buj to the nittys who surface at night, like ghosts passing through from another dimension. These times I’m in my all-black AV with the leather arms and collar, I’ve got my diamond grillz in my mouth, I’m rocking my new Aqua Master watch that I ain’t seen no one else rocking, mad exclusive, with a gold bezel and gold face set with tiny white diamonds. One brer pulls up on his bike and goes yo what watch is that g? I’m like it’s a Aqua still, and he’s like rah I ain’t never seen one like that, it’s banging still, and I’m like dun know. We carry on past the tube station and go into the chicken shop.
I go up to the counter – yo bossman lemme get the two pieces deal, I want sidebreast and make sure you put bare burger sauce on my chips and a can of Mirinda yeah – then this brer called Toxic comes into the shop, goes up to Dario and says yo Dario where’s my p’s you owe me eighty quid. Dario smiles sideways and says blood you’ll get your money when you get your money and he pulls out a little stack of £50 notes to pay for his chicken. Toxic starts shaking his head as he looks at Dario, dreads bouncing around his shoulders from under his beanie. He knows Dario from back in the day so it’s not gonna kick off, even though it’s getting tense right now. Toxic says blood, how you pulling out fifties and you’re telling me I’ll get my money when I get my money? Don’t try boy man off. Dario goes outside with him and I can see them chatting through the shop window while I wait for my food, leaning against the wall in the corner.
I look to my left and see this brer called Charged Vibes coming through the door. Light shivers across spiky yellow-gold grillz on his top row of teeth but his eyes are buried in shadow as he leads bare man into the shop with him and they’re all hooded up, ten man deep, coming right at me. I know what time it is. I’ve been waiting for this day.
Several months back, this Charged Vibes brer saw me and Dario walking up to Westbourne Park tube station. He was on his bike when he pulled up and said wagwan to Dario and then he leaned across his handlebars and whispered suttin in Dario’s ear. Dario frowned, stepped back and said nah blood it’s not dat, don’t get it twisted, you don’t wanna try dat, trust me. Then the brer turned his bike around and cycled off. I said Dario whatdafuck did he just say?
Snoopz, you don’t wanna know.
Bruv, you need to tell me what he said.
You’re not gonna like it Snoopz.
What did he say?
He asked if you’re a eat.
Basically, he was asking Dario if he could rob me. Dario knew I was gonna be vexed coz that’s a next level of disrespect. I was pissed, locked into my thoughts, not talking, just thinking I need to go and fuck this brer up and handle it before word gets around that this brer asked if I’m a eat – which is standardly a boy off – and that I didn’t do anything about it. Later that day, I was in the park with couple Grove man and I mentioned what happened with Charged Vibes and one of them man said boy, when you see him it’s gotta be on sight, you gotta move to him straight, no talking ting. But I never did see him.
So fast forward four months later. When I see myman come into the chicken shop followed by a bag of man, it’s like it’s all fallen into place, as if I’ve suddenly woken up, coz that brer pulled up earlier on his bike, gassing about my watch and now I’m clocking he blatantly told everyone on the strip yo there’s this white yout rocking an iced-out Aqua and diamond grillz in his mouth and Charged Vibes musta remembered me and been like rah come we eat him. I know them man would blatantly think, if he’s a white yout maybe he’s soft innit, like he’ll get shook if we put it on him. So when I see him coming into the chicken shop I know what time it is, I know there’s no way to escape my fate.
The chicken shop is brightly lit with all these chicken n chip deals and pictures of burgers looking fresh and juicy, nothing like the real thing, special offers in bright colours, glowing down from above the counter, warm smell of chip fat, and then this fucking storm comes in from outside, thunder in the distance, everyone hooded up as they make their way straight towards me without one look at the chicken deals.
They surround me in the corner so I can’t go nowhere. I stay leaning back like I’m relaxed, but in my head I’m waiting to see who makes the first move. Charged Vibes steps up to me and goes that’s a banging watch blood, just staring at my wrist. As he says it, one of the youngers in the group goes eat him, eat him, not looking at me but standing right in front of me as he says it. So I’m like eat who blood? Who da fuck are you gonna eat? The yout goes quiet and shuffles back into the crowd that’s surrounding me. Again Charged Vibes says that’s a banging watch blood and he grabs the watch on my wrist, holding it around the bezel like he wants to look at the face. I rip my hand away and go don’t fucking touch my watch blood and straight away he’s like what, you don’t wanna do this friendly nah? And I’m like friendly what blood? Whatdafuck is friendly about you grabbing my watch like you wanna lick it? I kiss my teeth and he moves bare close to me, the brim of his cap touching my forehead and goes where you from blood?
I know what’s gonna happen. I know I’m gonna get rushed. That in a few moments I’ll be fighting for my life and my name, and all we’re doing right now is delaying the inevitable. Imagine. A real moment where you see into the future and know there’s no way of changing it. So I’m like fuck it innit – Grove has beef with South Killy, they don’t like SK one bit, so I say I’m from South Kilburn blood, knowing it’ll just make the situation worse. The brers surrounding me start going rah, SK yeah? and then Charged Vibes goes where does your mum live? Soon as he says that, in my head I’m like nah, you mentioned my mum, you’re getting banged, I’m Snoopz, I do moves and madness that these man ain’t got the heart for, manabadman to these lot, fuck dat and BANG, I punch him in his face as hard as I can. He goes flying backwards. The crowd surrounding me draws back. Freezes. Charged Vibes staggers towards the door of the chicken shop like he’s tryna stay on his feet. I grab the back of his hood, pull him towards me and start banging him in his head whack whack whack. Then I feel bare hands grab the collar of my jacket, dragging me to the ground. I lose my footing and then I’m lying on the dirty tiled floor of the chicken shop and mandem are running up and doing penalty kicks into my back, booting me in my head and everything. Showers of sparks. Instinctively I tuck into a ball to protect myself and at the same moment I’m like nah, that’s how people get knocked out, tucking into a ball while everyone kicks the shit out of you until someone’s kick puts you to sleep. Fuck dat. I jump up tryna throw punches and for a second they fall back like waves pulling away from the shore. But then someone runs up and sucker punches me in the side of the head, so I
start looking for a way to get my back against the wall, at least that way no one can hit me from behind. Seconds drip into slow motion, each one becoming a separate and important moment. The only thing that exists in the galaxy right now is this chicken shop. Dario runs into the shop, grabs one yout and dashes him away, shouting ’low it you man, ’low it, getting in the way of kicks and punches and I clock how they don’t wanna hit him coz most of them know him, so they’re tryna get round him to get to me. I’m in the corner, down on one knee, with the wall behind me, making myself a smaller target so no one can kick my legs out from underneath me and I put my fists up to defend myself. Trainers squeak on the floor, mad noise all around, although I can’t tell what they’re shouting, bangs and kicks hitting my arms as I block and dodge, it’s like I’m drowning, like I can’t pull myself out of this and then one of the youngers comes from the side and digs his finger into my right eye. I pull this yout’s finger out of my eye coz he’s jammed it right in, my right eyeball getting pushed back deep into my eye socket and when I pull it out I feel my eye move back into place and it feels wet and everything’s gone black. I try to snap his finger, but he wriggles out of my grip and backs away.
And then in the next moment it’s like everything just dries up around me. I get off my knee and stand up and they start ducking out the shop and I swear down these man are some pussies coz as they’re walking to the door they’re going ah he’s fucked he’s fucked. I’m not fucked I shout, a whole bag of you pussyoles and you can’t even knock man out? Still they cut out and I look at the floor of the chicken shop and clock a big streak of blood across the dirty yellow tiles and I’m like fuck, they got me. I start checking myself for stab wounds, touching my back and side where I felt a lot of impact coz I know that getting poked can feel like a very hard punch. I check my arse cheeks coz them man like to shank you in your arse coz they know it won’t kill you but it’ll cause mad pain innit. But I’m not bleeding anywhere, so it must be my face. There’s a little mirror on the wall so I walk over to check my reflection and see that there’s not one mark below my forehead line, not even a tiny bruise or a scratch on my face. But just above my forehead there’s a fucking shoe print in purple, there’s the imprint of a ring, purple constellations of bruising going into my hairline. But no cuts. The blood on the shop floor is from Charged Vibes – when he tried to pop my watch and I banged him in the face – that’s all the blood from his mouth.
Who They Was Page 21
