Trying to avoid a long conversation, I decided to keep my response quick. “I don’t want to yet.”
Marsh spit off the side of the wagon. “Why not?”
“I want to see how this promotion thing goes for Calish and Reinick. If I’m going to visit him, I want to give him all the information at once.”
“Let me get this straight, you want to tell him about Noran knowing about the camp, Reinick hooking up with the Woodsmen, your being branded by your new best friend, adopting a dozen kids, the Governor’s death, Calish’s promotion, and the fact we’ve arrived safely all at one time?”
I chuckled. “Sounds about right.”
“No, Una. It sounds about stupid.” He turned to face me. “Those people are depending on you, too. Don’t let them get blindsided because you’re too afraid to see Nik.”
“Who said I was afraid?”
“Maybe I used the wrong word. He needs to know. We can’t go there,” he whispered. “You’ll need to do that mirror thing tonight.”
“I don’t want him here,” I confessed.
“Then tell him.”
I sat up properly. “I don’t want him to know about the branding, either.”
“You think he’ll be angry?”
“No, not angry. I don’t know.”
Marsh jumped off the wagon. “Come on, let’s go. If you do it now, you’ll be done with it, and you won’t be able to make it into more than it is.” He held his hand out to help me down. “Come on. If anything, Hawk needs to know he’s being passed over for a promotion.”
I took his hand and stepped off the wagon. “I doubt he’ll be disappointed.”
Marsh led me to the tent Trisk and he planned to share. Against the crates of supplies leaned a nicely framed mirror just waiting to be used.
“We’ll give you some privacy.” He signaled to Trisk they needed to leave. “Take all the time you need.”
“Thanks,” I said halfheartedly as they stepped out. I sat in front of the mirror, and Anu smiled back at me. She knew exactly why I’d come. She held her hand to the glass, and a moment later, I stood next to her on her side of reality.
* * *
I waited for what seemed like hours.
Could he be somewhere else?
Perhaps he was having dinner, doing an assessment, or at a Council meeting. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he had a guest.
A lady guest.
I’ve waited long enough. I’ll just tell Marsh he wasn’t here, and I’ll try again in a few days.
I turned to leave when someone grabbed my arm.
Anu.
I stopped myself?
She pointed to his bed and mouthed, “Sit and wait.” Feeling obligated to do as she commanded, I sat. Nik said time was different here, so had I been waiting a long time or not?
I pushed myself back onto his bed and lay down.
Can I sleep in here?
That would be nice. I closed my eyes to rest. I doubted it mattered if I napped in this world or the real one; tired was still tired. I scratched my arm and realized it was my wounded one. Digging my nails over the bandages shouldn’t feel nice. It should hurt. A lot. It didn’t.
That’s interesting; maybe since it’s not my real flesh, it doesn’t have feeling. No, I feel temperature here. I feel the softness of the bed and the rubbing of my nails against the scars…
Keeping my eyes closed, I thought about the physical properties of a mirrored reflection. Everything about it seemed unusual. It wasn’t bound by time or distance, and neither sound nor pain existed inside it.
The edge of the bed sank, and my eyes shot open. Nik sat next to me, obviously troubled by the sight of my scarred arm. I sprang up and tugged down my sleeve to hide the marks. He grabbed my left hand and, with a look, warned me not to move. I pulled it from him, giving him a stern look of my own. For two people who couldn’t talk to one another, we sure were saying a lot.
He threaded his arms across his chest as I scooted myself out of his reach.
He waited.
I sighed and rolled up my sleeve as far as it would go, exposing the flesh just past my elbow. Then I peeled away the bandaging.
Nik’s nostrils flared, and his arms unfolded. His breathing slowed, and his face demanded more information.
I didn’t want to start our visit with that. I didn’t want him to know anything about it at all. It was too late for that, I guessed. I rolled down my sleeve and slipped off the bed, and he stood to follow me. I held my hand up to tell him to wait, and he lowered himself back to the edge of the bed. I turned away from him to unbutton my shirt with some modesty.
Anu turned Nik’s reflection around and offered me a nod in solidarity. Once the buttons were undone, I paused for a moment before I dropped my shirt down over my left shoulder. The sight of the Woodsmen’s mark, in shades of red, pink, yellow, and black, beckoned Nik to his feet. I touched the branding for the first time, tracing its smooth valleys and irregular crests. It didn’t hurt as much as Nik’s reaction to seeing it did. I avoided his eyes as his fist pressed against his upper lip to control his emotion.
For the first time, I felt ashamed. I tried to convince Calish it was nothing to worry about. I tried to force the nurse to ignore it. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there. But beneath the curve of my shoulder, the mark healed more every day, and owning it was worse than I gave it credit for.
Nik’s trembling fingers traced the K’s embellishments as if touching the actual letter was somehow worse. His touch acknowledged the true tragedy of what I endured. Even with my shirt hanging half off my body, nothing exposed me more than Kash’s symbol.
Eventually, he lifted my collar to cover the wounds, giving me a moment to refasten the buttons. I’d only finished the few at the top when Nik stepped around to face me. With eyes full of sorrow, he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. My head fit under his chin, and I clung to him, hungry for affection without the accompanying pain. It was a gift only another Seer could grant on this side of the glass.
I sobbed in his arms. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop. Until then, I had to be strong for everyone else around me. No one had enough strength for me to run to.
What would it help for Calish to know how devastated I was? What would he do? Hunt down Kash and kill him? Wasn’t he already trying to do that? If I cried to Marsh, he’d tell me to suck it up, and if for any reason he didn’t, that would only make it worse. I certainly couldn’t cry in front of the children, and I was too tired to cry alone.
Nik didn’t need me to be strong. He saw me in a way no one ever could and accepted me with every flaw I had. There was no reason to be guarded around him; he was a Seer. Whatever I’d try to hide, he’d find in an instant anyway. There was a strange sort of comfort in that.
He held me until I felt ready for him to let go. I finished getting presentable and thanked him with a smile. Nik mouthed something to me I didn’t understand. He shook his head and used a pen and pad of paper from his bedside table.
“Let me see what happened.”
We headed toward the open curtain leading out of his private sleeping area. He grabbed my arm before I ducked out, asking in silent confirmation if I wanted to experience the event again.
I nodded. I wanted to see Kash’s face again. Maybe I’d recognize him.
We watched Marsh and me push ourselves over the stone fence of the Authority’s neighborhood, which made Nik laugh. He shook his head and gestured with his hand as if he had a big belly. Confused by his sign, he poked me in the stomach.
Oh, he’s trying to remind me I’m pregnant and shouldn’t be climbing walls. Cute.
I grinned and shrugged. “I know,” I mouthed.
We followed the memory of Marsh and me as we traveled along the trail into the Woodsmen’s territory then ducked into the brush to avoid detection. From where Nik and I stood, the children were in view. I tapped his arm and pointed them out. Next, we observed Marsh and me cutting them free of their binding
s. Nik couldn’t stand still. His heel pounded against the dirt as his jaw tightened and his lips pressed into a thin, angry line. He started to pace when it became clear we were going to be taken.
In an instant, we were at the branding table, and Nik froze. His eyes shut tight as he dealt with his fury, but he forced himself to watch. After all, he did ask to see it. Personally, I had no desire to relive the moment.
I came back to see Kash.
I circled him, studying his every feature. The texture of his hair, the slope of his cheekbones, a small scar over the ridge of his upper lip; all of them were familiar, but were they common traits or memorable ones?
How do I know you, Kash?
If only I could smell him or touch him, but this cold reality denied me both. My hand passed through him as if he were nothing but a thick vapor.
How appropriate.
I inventoried the men standing around to watch the children’s marks tally up my arm. Strange how their reactions varied. I could almost sense who was new to the violence and who had been there long enough to forgo their compassion.
Do I know any of these men?
The unshaven face of the man I studied changed from smug to a blank sort of shock. I turned, seeing Kash taking the second iron from the fire.
My gods, I do look terrible.
Their leader pulled my head up off the table by my hair and whispered in my ear. My body lay limp across the table as he forced my sleeve high. With a tender brush across the arc of my arm, he chose the spot and kissed it.
I don’t remember that.
When the iron touched my arm, my double didn’t wince. Furious at the pride in Kash’s expression, I tried to leave and go back into the stables. An invisible wall restricted my path. I pressed against it as if I might push it back if given enough force. Nik stopped me and shook his head. Pointing to his notepad, he wrote, “You can’t do that.”
“It’s over,” I wrote.
Nik took my hand and pulled back the curtain to his private quarters. His room brought him more relief than it did for me; still, he eyed the decanter on top of his dresser. Apparently, drinking wasn’t possible here either, or he would have skipped the glass and downed it straight from the bottle.
I plopped down on the edge of his bed, and he kneeled in front of me. “You did nothing wrong,” he mouthed.
Adding to our correspondence, I asked, “Did I mess everything up?”
He shook his head.
I offered him my hands. “Search me.”
“I can’t. Not here.”
I rubbed my face, and when I dropped my hands, he was seated next to me, his arm around my shoulders. He gave me a gentle squeeze, and when I rested my head on his shoulder, he kissed the top of my head.
I signaled I needed the notepad, and he handed it back, giving me room to write. “The Governor is dead.”
Nik pulled away, eyes widened.
I continued. “Reinick is new Governor, and Calish is new LOA.”
He took the items out of my hands. “Anyone else know?”
I shrugged.
He mouthed, “Who killed him?”
I pointed to Reinick’s name on the paper then to my mark.
Nik held out his index fingers and closed the space between them. “Together?”
I nodded.
He stood to pace, and my eyes followed him.
Left. Right. Left.
He made the gesture with his fingers once more to make sure I meant together.
I picked up the tablet and wrote, “He didn’t say it. I just know.”
Nik pointed to his eyes, asking if I saw it.
“No.”
He took the paper again and jotted down his instructions for me. “You need to see it to know it’s true.”
That’s not going to happen.
He turned the paper toward him again and wrote more. “It’s important you search him.”
I shook my head. I had no intentions of getting anywhere near Reinick or Noran for that matter. If he thought I could simply sit down with Reinick and hold hands—
He underlined “It’s important” several times.
“No!” I shouted, but no sound came out.
Nik knelt in front of me and tapped the paper again. “Please,” he begged. Setting the note on his knee for stability, he wrote, “You’re the only one who can.”
He didn’t need to show me. I read it as he wrote it. When he held it up, I’d already turned my face away from him.
I shouldn’t have come here.
I should have sent someone back to the camp with a letter instead. I snatched the paper from his hands and flipped the page over to start a new sheet.
“I’ll try,” I wrote in big letters and threw it at him.
The tablet fell, the pages fluttering until it landed. Nik found the page he wrote and tapped on “It’s important” again.
I lifted my arms to my sides. “Why?”
He pointed to his sentence again.
I scowled at him.
The least he could do was justify his reasons. All he had to do was lie and tell me he saw something during an assessment and required confirmation.
I wanted to scream. Yell. I wanted to make him tell me. He guided my chin to look him in the eyes, and I pulled my face off his perch. Nik had yet to earn the privilege of such an intimate touch.
My heart beat faster as I cast my eyes aside. He stepped closer. His fingers brushed away my tear, but his hand didn’t leave. He cupped my cheek, and for a moment, I thought he might try to kiss me. With my full attention, he mouthed, “Please.”
I took the paper and flipped back to my writing, tore it out, and slapped it into the center of his chest, yelling, “I said, I’ll try!”
He stumbled backward, lost his balance, and fell onto the floor. Anu doubled over with laughter, but I didn’t share her humor.
Nik didn’t get angry. Instead, he thanked me. Feeling horrible, I offered him a hand to get up. I apologized, and like the gentleman he was, he accepted.
I needed to leave, and I could tell Nik felt the same way. He gave a quick nod before he stepped back through the mirror and disappeared.
Marsh was wrong. This didn’t make me feel better at all.
Chapter 28
I walked out of the tent without reporting to Marsh. I didn’t want to talk to him; in fact, I didn’t want to look at him. My brother and his dumb ideas! I hadn’t wanted to talk to Nik in the first place, and now I had an assignment I didn’t want to do. If I’d just held my ground and refused to visit him, he wouldn’t have been able to make such a request.
Why did I give in so easily to Marsh?
Probably the same reason I gave in so easily to Nik.
I put everyone else’s needs before my own, as it was expected. In the stories Calish’s house held of celebrated women, the heroine always put the needs of her man, children, government, air, dirt, and dust before her own. Last I saw, I had all the battle scars for my commitment to my fellow man, not Nik or Marsh. Sure, Marsh had a few, but I had more. My opinion had value, and I’d earned the privilege of having one. Next time I said no, I would hold my ground and would not be swayed.
I didn’t want to see Nik, nor do I want to see Reinick!
I practically ran from the tent when I saw my brother heading toward me. My face was still red from crying on Nik’s shoulder, and I wondered if anyone outside heard my sobbing. There is no sound in the mirror, so I just let it go without restraint.
Was I hysterical on this side of the glass?
That thought made me want to avoid Marsh more.
“Hey.” Marsh jogged after me.
“Leave me alone.”
“You were glassy-eyed when I left. You’re done already?”
“Yes.” I stormed on.
“Did you tell him?”
“Yes. Now leave me be. I just want to get some sleep.” I brushed him off, but he pursued me.
“So when will they be here?”
“W
ho?”
He ran ahead of me and stopped me. “The rest of the security team, you remember, the ones who were going to act like volunteers?”
I closed my eyes and said nothing.
I forgot to ask about that.
Marsh caught his breath. “Am I supposed to stay here with you, or am I supposed to go back?”
There were specific reasons I had to meet with Nik.
The murder, the Woodsmen’s mark, and to tell him we finally arrived at the old homestead.
I couldn’t tell him I turned into a puddle of tears after watching our encounter with Kash.
“I remembered two-thirds of it,” I defended myself.
“Good grains, Una!”
Trisk joined our budding argument. Unlike my brother, she was far more understanding and provided the voice of reason both of us needed. “You’ve had a long few days. What you need to do is support each other. Now more than ever.”
Kind words are always nice to hear, but not nearly as good as hearing nothing at all. I let her and Marsh stack up the “should haves” and excuses for why I didn’t, while I counted the sleeping children to make sure they were all there. Then, I counted them again. And again. I appreciated Trisk acting in my defense, but nothing compared to the moment when she talked Marsh into going to bed.
And away from me.
Watching them meander to their private tent-slash-storage area, a drop of jealousy ran through my veins. His arm draped around her, resting his hand on the slope of her waist as she hugged him around his middle. Their pace was sloppy and probably hard to maintain, but they didn’t act like it was any kind of inconvenience.
Marsh’s hand drifted down to her backside and squeezed the curve of her butt. She playfully slugged him in the ribs, forgetting his injuries. As he protected his torso after the fact, I watched her silhouette apologize and his recover before they ducked into the canvas tent for the night.
I miss Calish.
I counted the children again then took note of the people in charge of our safety. Calish chose them personally to watch over us in his absence. Two of the four guards patrolled the grounds while the others slept. One paced the property’s entrance while his compatriot walked the perimeter, jabbing a long spear into the berm every so often.
Scavenger Girl: Season of Toridia Page 32
