by Cee, DW
Max bought me a toothbrush, soap, and a small towel and took me to my cabin. It was a good-sized room filled with bunk beds. It was like summer camp in junior high all over again. I slowly walked to my bed and sat there feeling fearful about being alone in this room. Max read me immediately.
“You need me to stay here with you?”
“Would you?” My outlook brightened as the prospect of having a roommate. Perhaps the fact that he was my ex should have stopped me from wanting him in the same room with me but fear got the best of me.
“OK. I’ll take the bunk next to you if you’re sleeping here. You know I’ll get kicked out if someone finds me here. And by the way, what will Jake think if he knew I was sleeping in the same room with you?”
“Trust me, this is exactly what Jake’s worrying about. It wouldn’t surprise me if he got a helicopter to land right outside tonight and took me home.” Jake, I’m really sorry but it scares me to death to sleep in this place by myself. I hope you’ll understand.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have gone to bed at 9:00 but there wasn’t much else to do. Max and I chatted for a while, then tossed and turned for another hour till we decided to talk again. Our talk turned a lot more serious than it had been all day. The serious Max from our lunch in Santa Monica slowly reemerged.
“Em?”
“Huh?”
“ Does it bother you that I still call you Em? Should I stop?”
“No. Why would it? That was your name for me. It’d be weird if you called me anything else.”
“Doesn’t it take away from Jake creating a nickname for you?”
“Funny thing, he’s always called me Emi. Instinctively, he’s never called me Em, so that’s your name forever if you like.”
“You seem to be in love again. Will you tell me about you and Jake?”
“I’ll tell you if you’ll answer one question for me.”
“What’s that?”
I didn’t know if I was ready to hear this story, but it had been a nagging question the past year and a half. “Why did you break up with me? Did I do something wrong in the end? Did you get tired of me?” Tears began streaming down my face.
“Em, how can you ask that?” He placed his hand on my cheek and wiped away my tear. “I loved you more than life. Breaking up with you was the hardest decision I’d ever made.”
“Then why did you break up with me? You were my love, my life, my only family. You broke all of that up.”
“Em…” he began to say, “I don’t quite know where to begin with this explanation. Graduation day was probably the darkest day of my life. I didn’t mean to break up with you but everything went wrong.” He rambled incoherently about things that happened that day and all I could give him was a confused stare.
“OK, let me try to start from the beginning. I started the day thinking that I was going to surprise you and propose after graduation.”
So he was going to propose.
“I was truly excited about our future. I ran around making sure that all details were set, staying away from you all day knowing I couldn’t keep my surprise a secret from you. After the ceremony was over, we were going to go to a nice dinner and a proposal was to happen during dessert. It was all perfectly planned out.” He let out a breath and then stalled for a few nerve-wracking minutes.
“What I didn’t factor in was the graduation speech we listened to that afternoon. Do you remember it?”
“No. I don’t remember much about that day but the end,” I said sadly.
“Well, it was a speech about going out into the world after graduation and making something of yourself. During this speech, our so-called future plagued me. There was no job prospect, no plans for more schooling. All I was sure about was my love for you. But then flashbacks of you working so many hours to support yourself and your undertakings to establish a stable life came to mind. Your life had been nothing but struggle the last ten years, and my uncertainty would only add to this struggle. This made me think that we really didn’t have a future until I could get my act together. I didn’t think it was fair to keep you with me if I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Did you ever think to consult me about my feelings rather than break my heart? Didn’t you know how much I loved you and how your actions would devastate me?”
“I should have done that. I was stupid for not discussing our future together. To this day, I regret not having worked this through with you. We’d probably be engaged, maybe even married by now if I hadn’t let pressure get to me.”
“Did you feel that much pressure to figure out what you wanted to do? How come you never told me how stressed you were about your future? You always appeared so relaxed.”
“Pressure mounted when I thought of it as our future. What if I never figured out what I wanted to do? What if I worked some nine-to-five job I hated? What if I couldn’t support you or a family? I had so many doubts in my head, I kind of went crazy. During the entire ceremony, I wrestled with questions that had no answers.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” I asked, quite frustrated.
“Knowing the pain you’d been through with the loss of your parents, I thought you should be with someone who could provide a stable and secure future for you—emotionally and financially. I didn’t ever want you to suffer again. I didn’t know it back then, but maybe that someone is Jake. That’s when I decided to let you go on with your life, and I went on to figure out what to do with the rest of mine. You have to believe me when I say letting go of you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You were my world. I truly love you more than my own life,” he declared sadly.
Odd that he used the word love in the present tense. It was probably a grammatical error.
“OK, assuming I believe everything you just told me, why Jennifer? Our breakup was hard enough without having to hear about you and another girl so soon. Did our four years mean that little to you where you could move on so easily and so quickly? Was I just some girl you had fun with and then tossed by the wayside?”
“No, Em. I’m sorry you believed that. If breaking up with you was my biggest mistake, getting together with Jennifer was my second-biggest mistake.” Max gently caressed my head and wiped away more of my tears. “Has Jake seen you this weepy or have you not had any reason to cry in front of him?” This question carried a heavy tone of regret. He knew I had shed far too many tears over him.
“We weren’t supposed to be apart this long. Once I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I was planning to beg you to take me back. This—our separation, Jennifer, Jake—none of it was supposed to happen.” Regret, anger, frustration soared to a loud crescendo. “Remember how I told you I was in a car accident? Well, after our breakup, I was so upset I purposely crashed my car into a wall. I really didn’t want to go on with my life without you. It was during my rehab sessions where I met Jennifer. She was kind to me, and she filled your void. I know. It was stupid and I feel terrible for having hurt you both for my indiscretion.”
My body agonized at the thought of Max being so hurt. I wished I could’ve known. I would’ve been there for him. This sympathy didn’t last once I envisioned him purposely driving a car into a wall.
“What were you thinking crashing your car? You could’ve died. That would’ve sent me to my grave as well.” If there was ever a doubt, Max understood tonight how much he was loved.
“You know, I came by your apartment every night after we broke up. I sat outside staring at your window till you fell asleep. More than anything I wanted to get back together with you.”
“What stopped you?”
Max hesitated…”My family.”
“Your family? Did they not like me?”
“No, they liked you very much but they wanted me to focus on my future and not spend so much time focused on a girlfriend. They didn’t empathize with my feelings of wanting to make you my wife one day.”
Max’s confessions about wanting to make me his
bride made my heart ache. I’d had no greater wish than to be Max’s wife.
“Thank you for your explanation, Max. I think I understand now. I needed to believe that you loved me during those years. Our four years will always be a beautiful memory for me.”
“I should be the one thanking you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m sorry I was such an inattentive boyfriend. Jake is good for you. I hope he will be for you what I should have been all those years.” With that he kissed my forehead and we turned to our private thoughts away from one another.
For the first time, I felt at peace with our breakup. All my questions were answered and doubts erased. Wonderful memories of Max could live deep within my heart.
Bright and very early the next morning, we got back on the mule and headed up the canyon. Max’s solemn mood kept me quiet for most of the ride. I hated that we were back to our awkwardness. Yesterday was so much fun for both of us. After three hours, we finally arrived at the Skywalk.
In awe, but terrified of the glass walkway, I grabbed on to Max’s arms. It felt like we were walking on air. This free-fall feeling kept me from looking over the glass to glance into the canyon. Knowing my fears, Max stood behind me and pretended to push me, and I jumped into his arms.
“Stop scaring me! You know this is freaking me out right now.”
Max couldn’t stop laughing. “I’m right behind you. I’ll make sure you don’t fall off,” he reassured me while his arms encircled me. “By the way, are you cold? You want my jacket?”
“No, I’m OK.” While I appreciated his concern, something about it made me feel uncomfortable.
Max turned me around so my back was against the canyon and his face turned serious again. I peeked over his shoulder looking for Jake. It was sometime past 8:00, and I was hoping he would arrive soon. I wanted him to experience this Skywalk with me.
“Em, I’ve had your graduation present here in my pocket every day since we broke up. Do you think I can give it to you right now?”
His random statement put me at a loss for words.
That same Tiffany blue jewelry pouch that fell on my bedroom floor the night of the Christmas Ball produced a beautiful engagement ring. I gave him a blank stare.
“What is this? Is this an engagement ring for Jennifer?” Perhaps Max was going to propose to Jennifer, but got cold feet. “Why do you still have it? Why haven’t you given it to her?”
“Em. It’s your engagement ring. I’ve had it since graduation.”
“What do you mean this is my engagement ring?” Sometimes, I got things so wrong. A wave of nausea rolled through my body as I worked to understand this situation.
Suddenly he got down on one knee and held my hand. “Em, I love you. You have been always been the most important person since the day I met you and I want you to complete my life now. Will you marry me?”
Shocked.
Horrified.
Angry.
Confused.
These emotions engulfed my being.
“Max…why are you doing this to me now? We’ve been separated for two years. Why did you have to wait so long? I was so in love with you. Why are you trying to hurt me again? Was it not enough you hurt me the first time?”
“I know, Em, and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I wish I could take back that night, but I can’t. I just want to make things right.”
“Em?” His voice was so sweet, I couldn’t help but gaze at him. “Do you still love me?”
“I love Jake. He’s the one I want to marry,” I tried to convince Max.
“I know you turned down his proposal. You might love Jake, but it can’t be as strong as what we had. You don’t have to answer right away. It took me this long to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me; I don’t expect you to give in easily. Please consider it. Give me a reason to hope that there’s still a part of you that loves me. This part could grow, and we could get back to where we were in college. It’s going to take effort and hard work on my part. I am confident now that I can make this effort. I can’t live without you any longer, Em. I love you and would be honored if you would be my bride.”
I couldn’t answer him.
I drew a blank.
I went mute.
“Emi!” I heard a shout from the other end of the Skywalk. Horrified, I retracted my hand from Max’s and wiped my tear-stained cheeks. Thankfully, Max didn’t fight me when I pulled him up from the ground and tried to erase the proposal that just happened.
“Sweetheart.” Jake ran over and held me. He gave Max an unpleasant look. “Are you all right? What just happened?” This was a question posed more toward Max than me.
I was never more relieved to see Sarah, Charlie, and Peter running toward us. They immediately pulled Max away from me.
“Em…take your time, I’ll wait…” His voice trailed, but both Jake and I heard it clearly.
“What happened, Emily? What was that all about?” Jake needed to know, but I wasn’t ready to tell him. How could I explain to a man who wanted to marry me that my ex-boyfriend had just proposed? Jake would only jump to the wrong conclusion and get angry with me. I stayed in his arms, quiet.
Sarah walked over to check on me. “Do you want me to stay with you? Are you OK?”
I wanted to ask her to stay so I didn’t have to face Jake alone, but I nodded my head and silently told her I was OK. She handed me my belongings and left.
“Emi, please,” Jake pleaded. “Can you tell me why I saw Max on his knee?” Frustration mounted as I continued to remain silent. “EMILY!”
“Max just proposed to me.” My head stayed down. I was even too afraid to cry.
“Why would he do that? What happened between you two yesterday? Did something happen last night?” A sound close to a roar marked his last two questions.
Alarmed, I stared at him. How could you think such a thing?
“What happened last night?” he asked again.
“Nothing happened last night, and as for yesterday, it was the most pleasant day we’ve had since Max and I broke up,” I answered in an angry tone.
“Then why would he be encouraged enough to propose to you?”
As angry as I was that Jake would think so lowly of me, I knew I needed to explain everything that had led up to this proposal. Ignorance only encouraged him to jump to wrong conclusions.
“Max told me last night, he was going to propose to me after graduation but got cold feet. Then this morning, he asked if he could give me my graduation present that he’d been holding on to all these years. Well, the ring was the graduation present, and he asked me to marry him.”
Jake’s tightened visage relaxed in a show of obvious relief that a proposal was all that had happened. He had forgotten what he had accused me of just moments before.
“So, what did you say to him? I assume you said no, but how did you turn him down?” Jake sounded insecure when he asked this question and rightly so. What little trust he had in me right now was about to be shattered once he knew that Max and I had found no resolution. But, I believed Jake would end up listening to reason once his anger subsided, and after I turned down Max’s proposal, we could get back to our own proposal. Yes, we’d weather this storm and eventually get married. I just couldn’t be sure how long it would take for Jake to calm down.
“Jake…I didn’t get a chance to answer Max,” I confessed.
“What do you mean you didn’t answer him? Emily, I don’t understand.”
Immediately his eyes shot daggers of pain straight into my heart. It will be OK. Once he calms down, he’ll forgive me and we’ll be all right. This is only a misunderstanding. It will clear up soon. “Jake, I’m sorry. I don’t know why but I went mute. I was in such shock when he asked me…and I knew the right answer was no…but it wouldn’t come out. Then you came and…I don’t know what happened.”
“How could you turn down my proposal without a second thought but give his prop
osal a second chance?” Jake cried in disbelief.
“I’m not giving him another chance. I don’t want to marry him.”
“Then why didn’t you tell him that?” He enunciated each word in a biting tone.
“I don’t know…but I will…I will as soon as I see him.” The plea came out more despondent than desperate. The bright light in my life grew dim. Judging from all we’d been through in the last two months, a shutdown would be his next course of action. I tried to explain my feelings to him, but Jake ignored me like he had the morning he proposed to me. He wouldn’t respond or listen to anything I had to say. He was trying to protect me from his hurtful words, but this lack of communication hurt even more.
I begged, “Please, Jake. Don’t shut me out. Talk to me. Yell at me. Do whatever you want, but don’t go silent on me. Please…I don’t love Max. I love you. As soon as we get home, I’m going to have a talk with Max and tell him the truth. I’ll clear everything up.”
Nothing worked. Jake’s afflicted face made me hold back, and I gave him room to think. Only a few minutes passed before he let go of my hands and walked away. Afraid to be alone I walked toward him and attempted to grab his hand. He gently pushed me away and walked into a crowd of people and out of sight. I crouched down in the middle of the Skywalk, hugging my knees to my chest, and waited for Jake to return. Once he calmed down and gathered his thoughts, I trusted he would come back and talk to me. He would reassure me that he loved me just like he had Christmas morning. He’ll be back. He’ll be back soon.
My phone rang, and I was only too happy to answer it, believing it was Jake.
“Emily, it’s me, Sarah. Are you OK?”
Not knowing what to say, “I’m OK,” was the lie that came out.
“Do you want us to come and get you?”
“No, I’ll go back with Jake. I’ll see you at home.” I trusted Jake would come back for me.
“OK, call if you need anything.”
“Thanks, Sarah.”
Visitors came and left, and many were annoyed that I was in their way. My body didn’t move. I became a part of the Grand Canyon scenery. As the hours ticked by, I thought about my life. I couldn’t believe the hurt both Max and Jake were putting me through. My mind fought with my heart trying to figure out why I couldn’t have answered Max’s proposal sooner. I knew in my mind I didn’t love Max anymore. There were no more desires or fanciful thoughts of marrying Max. We didn’t have a future together. I knew in my heart that I loved Jake. Though I had refused his Christmas proposal, I would answer yes to his next proposal and live my happily ever after. All thoughts of my future only included Jake. Jake will be here. He’ll be here any moment now.
