by Cee, DW
“I will work to earn your trust again. Just please don’t tell me we’re over.”
At this point, I didn’t know what to think or feel. The room spun, as I knew I needed to make a choice.
Love and trust Jake again.
Or, let him go, and regret this decision the rest of my life.
The decision had been made the moment Jake walked into the room. Only I was too afraid to speak it.
“Oh my sweet Emily, how did we go this long, apart? I’ve missed you so much.”
He leaned in and placed his lips gently on mine. I didn’t move away this time. I couldn’t move away. I felt delirious to his touch. His lips tasted sweeter than I remembered them. During the kiss that I never wanted to end, I began sobbing quietly at the prospect of being with Jake again.
He paused his embrace and looked into my once dejected eyes. My body burned with sensations from affliction, to hope, to elation.
“Emily?” he lovingly called my name. “You still love me, don’t you?” his voice unsure, his eyes begging one last time.
I wrapped my arms tightly around him and prayed he would never let go of me again. “Jake, you know I do!” my voice broke. “I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry too for hurting you. This was my fault as well. I’ve missed you so much!”
Several times the door to our room opened and closed. The fourth Takiawase course of simmered meat or fish and vegetables, either sat cold or became overcooked, from the server’s many attempts to deliver our meal. My emotions bounced this time from euphoria back to insecurity and then to curiosity.
I broke out of our embrace.
“What’s the matter?” Jake asked. “Why do you still look so sad? Don’t cry, Love,” he said while wiping away my tears with his hands.
“You really still love me?” I had to ask. I couldn’t trust reality sitting in front of me.
“Emily, I love you,” he reassured with gentle kisses.
“I just can’t believe it.” The tears wouldn’t stop.
“Believe it, Sweetheart. I’m here to be with you, and we are never separating again!” he adamantly stated, but it still felt like a dream—possibly a nightmare if it were a dream.
I kissed him one more time. It tasted even sweeter the second time around.
“You’re not leaving me anymore?” I whispered meekly, just in case I might be in trouble for doubting again.
“Never,” he quietly answered and held me in his arms. Yes, this felt like home again. I was where I belonged—in Jake’s arms.
I perked up from Jake’s body with a question that nagged since he got here. “How did you find me in Kyoto?”
An agitated grimace colored his face. I knew that I would be in trouble soon. Before he began, our kimono- clad servers found the chance to drop all nine of our dishes that waited while we reconciled. We had everything but the mizumono, or dessert. This probably wasn’t the correct kaiseki protocol, but the servers didn’t care. In their own genteel way, they displayed great annoyance with us. Laughter frolicked in our eyes.
“Emily, I wasn’t kidding when I said I looked high and low for you. My dad called me the minute he saw you in our driveway. I begged him to keep you there, but when I arrived, you were gone. Then I ran into Max and he told me you would be at the wedding the next day, and when I went to look for you, you had just left. I asked about you at the hotel, but they said you had checked out already. I went to every possible airline that had a flight leaving that night, but I couldn’t find you. Ugh! I was so frustrated I had lost you again.”
His story became even more animated as he flailed his arms up in the air while huffing and puffing. Before any more wrath fell on me, I stole a moment and enveloped my arms into the arch of his body hugging him longingly. Since parting, my body had always felt cold. Finally, Jake filled my body with warmth. He stopped grumbling and just held me.
Contentment.
No other word better described our state of being.
Even with my body in tow, he continued his soliloquy. “Max and Jane both came to me with your address, so I flew here late Thursday, only to find that it was too late to take the train into your village. I waited another day and trekked all the way to your home and of course, you weren’t there. Do you see a pattern to this story?” He pulled himself away to look at me while asking that last question.
“I still don’t get how you found me here.”
“Well, it wasn’t easy—like the last five months of our relationship. Your students went back and forth trying to explain who I was and why I was standing at their door pleading for your whereabouts. Thanks for talking about me to your Japanese family,” he retorted sarcastically. “Mr. Suzuki thought I was some loony waiting for a chance to kidnap you.”
“So how did you get him to divulge my location? Was it your charm or your good looks?” I attempted an impish smile.
“It was Yuki who finally came to my rescue. I’ve got to remember to buy her a nice gift while we’re here. She told her dad that she saw you write me letters daily…then throw them away. How could you send me only one letter when everyone else got copious letters?”
“Jake. One reprimand at a time, please. I can’t keep up with all my wrongdoings. Back to Yuki.”
“I guess Yuki threw out your trash daily and she told her dad that she saw you cry many times while writing me a letter. She never asked you about it, but she knew I was somebody in your life who made you sad.”
I began to tear again. This time more out of relief that I could look back on those days and consider them a sad memory. With his arms around my body, he kissed my forehead apologetically, and empathized with my pain. In every way, they were his pain too.
“At this point, Mrs. Suzuki stepped in, put two and two together, and forced her husband to tell me where you would be today. This is how I got to this restaurant.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” I responded. Are you done or am I still in trouble?”
“I think I’m done…no, I take that back. I’m not done,” he continued.
You can really hold a grudge, Dr. Reid. Good thing I didn’t say this as Jake’s face turned solemn.
“Emily, I need to apologize one more time. I’ve said so many hurtful things to you. My actions were inexcusable. Please forgive me.” With his arms still around my body, I knew in my heart all had been forgiven already.
“Jake, I created this mess. You had no choice but to feel insecure because I wavered. My actions were hurtful as well. I forgive you knowing you’ve forgiven me as well. Let’s not dwell on this anymore.”
“I can’t let go of the image of you waiting for me at the Skywalk. You’ve always been so trusting of me to take care of you. All the months we were apart, the thought of you losing faith in me tormented me. It scares me you won’t ever completely trust me again.”
“Frightened? Yes. But, I don’t think I can stay separated from you anymore. Right now, and maybe even forever, my love for you outweighs any fear of getting hurt. I want to trust you again. Just please don’t break my heart.”
Our lips met once more eagerly. Happiness overcame my many months of anguish and sadness.
“I’ll make this up to you the rest of our lives together. Please don’t doubt my love for you anymore.”
I nodded my head in agreement.
Sitting at a table filled with beautifully decorated but uneaten food, we attempted feverishly to catch up on our five-month absence. There were still too many unanswered questions.
Jake began. “The more I think about it, how could you believe I didn’t love you anymore? Didn’t I tell you only every day how much I loved you? Do you think I go around asking just any girl to marry me?”
I answered back, “How could you go weeks without talking to me, especially when my texts begged you daily for an answer? Do you know how hard it is to send someone a message and to sit around and wait for a response? Plus, do you know how much you hurt me? I had to move t
o the other part of the world to try to mend my heart. You were the one confused about my feelings for you.”
“Could it be any harder than waiting for letters that came to everyone but me? That was really cruel. I pathetically had to read my siblings’ letters to find out how you were doing. Don’t even get me started on having to ask my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend about what she had written him.”
“I sent you a letter. I even sent you a birthday card and a gift.” Jake showed me his sleeves. “Oh, you’re wearing the cufflinks. They look nice.”
“Thank you for your gift. You don’t know how much these meant to me.”
“Did you have a good birthday?” I’d hoped he did despite our separation.
“How could I have had a good birthday knowing you were alone on yours? Did you celebrate your birthday at all?” he asked, but looked away, not wanting to know the answer.
I shook my head no. “Sarah called me and sent me a gift but that was it.”
“Oh, Sweetheart, I’m sorry. Of all the days we were apart, those were the hardest days for me as well. Come here,” he pulled me closer to him. “I have your birthday present. I didn’t know when I’d be able to give this to you, but I had it made regardless.”
Jake brought out of his pocket a stunning piece of jewelry. On a simple white gold chain hung a large, flat heart shaped pendant. What made this pendant so unusual was the stone placed inside a frame of small diamonds.
“Jake, this is beautiful! What kind of stone is this?”
“It’s a sapphire cut into a flat piece and then shaped into a heart. My grandfather gave it to Gram on her birthday the first year they were together. Gram sent it to me on my birthday, obviously for me to give to you, and I added the diamonds around the sapphire on your birthday.”
“How is Gram doing?” I asked fondly.
“She’s healthy but sad to see me so sad. She called weekly to check up on me and to ask about your status. It broke her heart to know we had separated. She was very fond of you as well, and had thought of you as family already.”
“I missed her too. We’ll have to call her.”
Jake put the present around my neck. I admired not just the gift but the meaning behind it.
“Thank you. So am I done being in trouble for not sending you more letters?”
“Not quite,” he answered as I laughed. “You know what was almost as difficult as not receiving a letter from you?” He was back to his mini tirade.
“What?” My voice empathetically rose to justify his indignation.
“Whenever you told Jane you had just written me a letter, but had torn it up. That was enormously frustrating. And how deplorable do I look when a seven-year-old-girl tells her dad that my name is synonymous with the word sad?”
It never occurred to me that Yuki saw me cry. I guess I couldn’t hide anything in such a small house.
“Yeah, if I had sent you all the letters I’d torn up, you would’ve gotten several per week. Sorry,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. “But you must have also read in Jane’s letters that my feelings for you never changed. They only got stronger while I was away from you.”
“That was my only comfort during those long months. It was difficult not knowing when I would see or talk to you again. Jane did her best to keep me patient. She believed you would send her your contact information soon.”
“At least you had family and friends to talk to during those days. Do you want to know what was the hardest for me?” I paused wondering whether or not to share this information with Jake. “I had no one to share my feelings with. I hurt alone and that was unbearable. That’s probably why I wrote so many letters.”
I stopped talking. I felt Jake’s heart break.
“Thank you for finding me, Jake. My four months here did nothing to weaken my feelings for you. I think absence does make the heart grow fonder. I didn’t want to, but I was going to stay here another year to try to forget you.”
“Emily, let’s go home. I promised my family I’d bring you back. Can you leave with me tomorrow?”
As much as I wanted to be with Jake, leaving immediately wasn’t a possibility. “I need to stay at least till the end of the school year.”
His eyes expressed sadness again. He pondered our new dilemma. “When is the school year over?”
“In two weeks. It’s not much longer.”
“OK. As much as I don’t want to leave you, I’m going to allow it on one condition.”
“And what would that condition be?” I asked.
“When school is done, pack a bag of clothes, but Fed-Ex the rest of your belongings to Mom’s house.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re going to meet me in Paris. We’re going to take that romantic trip you promised me. If you agree to meet me in Paris, then I’ll let you finish out the school year.”
“And if I don’t agree to meet you in Paris?”
“Then, I’ll have to lock you up in a tower like Rapunzel and come visit you at night.”
I laughed at the thought. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Are you going to meet me in Paris or not?”
“Is this a choice that’s not really a choice?”
“Yup.”
“Well, then Paris it is,” I said, thrilled at the thought of spending an entire week with him. It was like a dream come true. No, it was a dream come true.
“Did you end up going to Paris in February?” I remembered we were supposed to be there a few months back.
“Yes, I had to go…alone. It was the most depressing trip of my life. I rarely left the hotel. I went from my room to the conference room. It was hard being there without you. The only highlight of the trip was when Gram came to visit me.”
I promised, “I’ll make it up to you.” We both cherished our moment together.
“Also, I have one more request,” Jake said. “I’m going to buy you a laptop with a webcam. I cannot go two weeks without seeing you—not after having endured five months. We will set up a time to talk each day, OK?”
“Is that necessary? It’s only twelve days. What a waste of money.”
He gave me a stern look that made me cower into his demand.
Jake paid for our beautiful meal that went untouched and we walked through the streets of Kyoto. We couldn’t help our fixed smile or our constant touch. We’d been apart for so long. I, more so than Jake, needed a continual reminder of our togetherness. It was amazing how many months of heartbreak could be mended within minutes, with a few magical words. How fickle the heart could be. We sat on a park bench eager to answer more questions and confirm our commitment one last time.
“Emi?”
“Hmm?”
“What happened between you and Max? Max told me at the hospital that you turned down his proposal, but I didn’t quite understand why. Believe it or not, it was Max who encouraged me to pursue you when I thought I’d hurt you too much to salvage anything. He strongly believed you still loved me, and left for Japan thinking I didn’t love you anymore.”
“After seeing you in New York, I called Max, and we finally ended our story. Let me try to explain what got us into this whole mess. When I turned down your proposal, I knew it was temporary. It was just a matter of time before I accepted your offer of marriage. My love for you was already there. I just couldn’t take that last leap of faith. Ultimately, I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t wake up one morning and stop loving me. As for Max, I knew the moment he proposed, he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were too deeply imbedded into my heart. No was the correct answer, but I was too much in shock to say anything. And then I saw you running toward me, and I was terrified you might be mad. I froze, not knowing what to do. I hope you can understand these were words I desperately wanted to hear at one point in my life, and I didn’t know how to refuse Max but still keep our friendship. Max will always be like family to me, no matter what. Are you OK with tha
t?”
Forming this into a question, I gave Jake a choice. Hopefully, he’d understand my need to keep Max as an important person in my life. Jake looked tentative, but willing to accept my feelings.
“I figured out after you left me that there was nothing wrong with loving Max as a friend, and that turning him down would not end our relationship. Does this make sense? Maybe the better question would be, are you OK with my feelings for Max?”
My answer didn’t erase Jake’s insecurity. I had to declare my feelings for Jake one more time.
“I love you with all my heart, and I can’t imagine my life being void of you anymore. Please don’t ever leave me again.” This time, my insecurities prevailed.
“Emily, though we were physically apart, I never left you emotionally. You know that, right?”
“I know it now. OK, so I have a question. After New York, why didn’t you come talk to me? You knew where I lived.”
“I’m glad you asked that because I was curious about something too. First of all, I called you a million times but you never answered.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I turned off my phone after I stopped texting you. With you gone, I had no reason for a phone anymore.”
“I tried to call you at your school, but realized I had no idea where you taught. Funny thing how I loved you enough to want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I had no specific details of your life. I didn’t know where you taught, or any of your friends’ last names. Worst of all, do you know we’ve never taken a picture together? I searched my brain for any stops we made to take a picture, and there were none. What did we do in Hawaii all that time?”
“We, no I, lost a ton of weight from all the exercise you Reids put me through. So you still haven’t answered my question. Why didn’t you come find me at home?”
“Sorry, got sidetracked. I did come by your house. I came the next day and you weren’t home. I stopped by at all hours and you wouldn’t answer your door. Then the day after, against my wishes, the chief sent me up to Seattle to co-lead in a heart transplant and I was gone for almost a week. By the time I got back to your door again, someone else answered and said you no longer lived there. I tried to convince this person to give me your contact number, but I think she thought I was some kind of psychopath. She almost called the police on me.
