by Cee, DW
Anyhow, Max got really mad at me when I told him how Jake makes me feel. He took it as a slam against our four years together. How could he think I believed there was anything wrong with our four years together? I loved him so much during those years. Looking back, I’m glad he was there for me during that time. It would have been hard not to have had Mom, Dad, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa without Max. He was there as my comfort during those times and I’m forever grateful for his love.
Tomorrow, or later this morning, I leave for a trip with Jake. I can’t wait! He promised me a whole day together. I hope we can find some stability to this relationship / courtship / whatever is it that we’re doing. I hope Jake likes me as much as I like him. I think he does but still I’m unsure…
December 12
Today was the most amazing day! No one has ever indulged me this much—EVER! We started on a flight up to San Francisco. No—we actually started off really awkward with Jake witnessing Peter, Jeff, and Max all waking up in my house. I’ve never given Jake an option of spending the night here, but he walked in to see three men sleeping in my house. Not fun! He didn’t look like he was having fun either. Well, that got worked out OK, thankfully.
The first place we drove to when we got up north…FRENCH LAUNDRY! How did this man know this was my absolute dream destination? The food…heavenly! The conversation…wonderfully heartfelt. We got issues out in the open and learned a lot about each other. I told Jake everything I could about Max and hoped that he believed my honesty and sincerity.
Then we drove to their family apartment and I did something I hadn’t ever done. I fell asleep with him on the sofa. It felt wonderful to wake up next to him. He also gave me this humongous diamond ring and asked me to be in a relationship with him—FINALLY! We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It made me happy that we were officially together.
I don’t know what time it is right now, but I’m still here in SF and supposed to be sleeping in Jane’s room. Jake gave me three sleeping options, and my heart wanted door #1 (Jake’s room), but my mind spoke out door #2 (Jane’s room). I would love nothing more than to snuggle into bed with Jake right now.
After getting to know the basics, Jane and I had a heart-to-heart tonight. I like her so much! She’s genuine and kind and very similar to Jake. Both siblings are so confident. They set a goal and work to achieve it. Jane was valedictorian of her high school and graduated magna cum laude at Columbia. She thought about going into journalism but decided to go to law school instead. She said that one day she would love to write a book. She’s so articulate and bright, she will most likely write a best seller.
Now that I’ve met Jane, I’m curious to know what Nick is like. Both Reids have told me he’s the brightest in mind and personality. I can’t wait to meet him as well as the parents who raised all three wonderful people.
December 16
I had lunch with Sarah today. She told me about her new project, and she also told me she thinks Charlie’s about to propose to her. It is about time. They’ve been together eight and a half years. I don’t know how she’s waited this long. I guess it’s not hard when you already know he’s the one. They’re really no different than a married couple. Charlie loves her so much! Maybe he’ll propose on Christmas? Maybe that’s too obvious. Maybe I’ll call and see if he needs my help. Yeah, right. Like he’s going to tell me about the proposal.
Jake came by again tonight and I told him about Mom and Dad and how they got together. He liked their story a lot. Who wouldn’t like a happy ending? I wonder if we will have a happy ending. I’m beginning to believe we may be headed that way. It’s early, but I think Jake’s the one.
December 23
Jake’s family is incredible. I must be dreaming. Not only is Jake the most amazing man, his family is just as wonderful.
Jake’s mom, Sandy, doted on me from the moment we met at the airport. She’s so affectionate. She reminds me of Mom. Mom used to hold my hand or put her arms around me all the time. She used to always touch me no matter where we were. Sandy does the same thing. From the moment I see her in the morning, she’ll hug me good morning or she’ll rub my back when she asks me a question, or she’ll just put her hands around my arm and walk with me—that is of course when Jake is not all over me.
I love the attention. She’s treated me no differently than any of her three kids. I feel like the fourth even though I’m not family. Most likely she’s like this with everyone, but I’m sensitive to it because I haven’t felt a mother’s touch in so long.
Bobby, Jake’s dad, is just as wonderful. He is quite verbally affectionate. He’s always complimenting me or giving me choices on what I’d like to do. He does this in such a way where it doesn’t come off as just being polite. Once I figured out he wasn’t just asking out of courtesy, I started giving him my honest opinions. I even put in requests from time to time.
I don’t know if it’s right to feel so comfortable with Jake’s family. I shouldn’t unnecessarily put my hopes in a family who might never be mine.
December 25
Dear Jake,
Merry Christmas! The last two months have been a daily Christmas present with you in my life. I appreciate your unconditional love, your patience, but above all, I appreciate you. I love the way you smile when I say or do something silly, and I love the way your eyes twinkle when I say the right words. But most of all, I love the way I feel every time I’m with you. You know that feeling when you go away for a while and come back home and you think…Ahhh! It’s good to be home? That comforting feeling, that, this is where I belong feeling? Well, this is what I experience whenever I see you. I am home when I’m with you.
I’m sorry I spoke so soon today after you proposed to me. That wasn’t really what was in my heart. I regretted my answer the moment it came out of my mouth but I was scared. I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life as I do about you. How ironic. My absolute feelings about you frighten me.
I’ve known for some time that I am crazy in love with you and want nothing more than to be with you the rest of my life. I guess I’m having a difficult time believing you will still want the same thing a few years down the road. I’m sorry for doubting you. Though I turned you down today, I hope you’ll ask again, and I hope I’ll be brave enough to speak what’s already in my heart.
You’ve made me look to the future with a smile and I thank you. I hope this book has given you a glimpse of how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving me.
I love You,
Your Emily
Emily, you silly, fearful, and crazy girl, how can you have been so unsure of us? No wonder you so easily believed I didn’t love you anymore and left me. No wonder you could simply give up everything we had and go be alone in Japan. How many times did I tell you not to doubt my love for you? How many times did I tell you I loved you? Was it that difficult to believe me?
If there was anyone in this relationship who didn’t show their true feelings, it was you. I’m overjoyed after reading this journal. I didn’t know you loved me so much and for so long. I also didn’t know you wanted to be kissed from day one. I would have obliged happily. I wish you had told me all your feelings. I wish I had read this journal sooner. If I had, I wouldn’t have jumped to any wrong conclusions about you and Max.
I’m sorry for my terrible assumptions about you and Max. I know I hurt you badly. I can’t believe how mean I was to you. What pains me the most is that I left you alone at the Skywalk. Like that night at LAX, I should have believed you trusted me to come back for you. What a fool I was. Once again, I only thought about how I felt, not about how you were feeling.
Oh, Emily, how lonely you must be right now. My heart grieves. Come home, My Love. Come back to me.
After reading Emily’s journal, I got a second wind of hope. My life flashed before me again, and this time I saw Emily by my side. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew I would find her and spend the rest of my life loving h
er.
I got back to the hospital and went about my routine. Morning surgeries continued, patients appeared happy to see me back after a week’s absence, and most of all, the chief appreciated my almost cheerful disposition. Mom and Dad too stopped tiptoeing around me and we were back to being a family again. Jane called often and sent me Emily’s letters weekly, and soon Nick joined in and drove over with Emily’s letters. I had a good sense of how she was doing but soon spiraled back to my abyss, as she never wrote again after that first letter.
The chief found me at lunch one day and had a funny-looking grin.
“Are you excited to leave for Paris on Sunday?”
“Paris? What do you mean leave for Paris?”
“Jake. You were supposed to go to a conference for me in Paris. I guess you forgot? You’re probably not in the mood to go, but the hospital is counting on you to represent us. Maybe it will be good for you to get away.”
How could a trip to Paris—a trip that was originally planned for me and Emily—be good for me at this point? But, like the rest of my life right now, I didn’t have a choice.
“Sure. I’ll go.”
“Thanks. And Jake?”
I wondered what the chief needed now. “Yes?”
“I’m really sorry about Emily. I feel terrible I sent you up to Seattle. But I know you’ll find her soon. She can’t stay away from a charming guy like you for too long.” The chief laughed and walked away.
That was my initial thought when Emily first left. After her confessions in her journal, I thought there would be no way she could stay away from me for too long. There again was my overestimation of my worth. Emily had been gone for almost a month and she had no thought of keeping in touch me with ever again.
No matter my state of mind and heart, Paris was stunning. Chilly, but beautiful, this was a city meant to be shared with a lover. Never did I imagine I would be so depressed in Paris.
My phone rang during a lunch break.
“Jakey.”
“Hi, Gram. How are you doing?”
“Have you had any contact with Emily yet? Has she called or written again?”
“No. She’s been writing Jane weekly and she’s also started writing Nick, but I haven’t received anything since the first letter.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I don’t know, Gram. It doesn’t get any easier as the days go by.”
“I’m coming out to see you today. Let’s meet for dinner.”
“Gram, you don’t have to do that. I’ll come see you when the conference is all over.”
“No, I think you need me there. My assistant will send you a time and place for us to have dinner. I’ll see you later today.”
“Thanks, Gram. I love you.”
“I love you too. Cheer up.”
Her call did cheer me up. There were so many people in my life who loved and cared for me. All worked to lift up my spirits. I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of my almost-eighty-year-old grandmother flying in to see her grandson because he was distraught over losing his girlfriend.
The smile vanished the moment I pictured Emily alone in Japan without any family or friends. How suffocating it must be for her not to have anyone to talk to. I hoped she was at least communicating with her friends. Maybe it was just us she didn’t send a return address to. Perhaps all her friends had access to her, and they were filling her emptiness. Thinking about her being alone, I would even welcome Max comforting her.
Dinner couldn’t come fast enough. Gram and I met for an early dinner at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon. A bit casual for Gram’s taste, it would have been a restaurant right up Emily’s culinary delight. She would have loved the prix fixe menu that included her favorite caviar and foie gras. There was even a chocolate dessert with Oreos that would have delighted her. There wasn’t an item on the menu she wouldn’t have wanted to try. Gram caught me as I let out a huge sigh.
“My favorite grandson!” She hugged me dearly. She knew I needed to be loved.
“Hi, Gram. Did you have a nice flight over here?”
“I took the Chunnel in. I can’t stand the crowd at the airport anymore. It’s easier for me to get around on the train. Have you ordered for us?” Even in her old age, my grandmother was stunning.
“I thought we’d order the prix fixe. Would that be OK with you?”
“Of course. I’ve always wanted to eat here. I usually end up at La Table. This is for younger people like you and Emily, so I thought we could check it out. You can come back here with Emily next time.”
I sighed again at the mention of Emily.
“Gram, I screwed up badly. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see Emily again. She’s never coming back to me.”
“Jakey, don’t believe that. She’ll come back once the school year is done. A break is always good for a couple. Look at how much you miss each other.” Gram put her arms around me and hugged me again.
“I don’t know if she misses me. She left thinking I didn’t want her anymore. She’s probably trying her best to forget me.”
“Jakey…if she didn’t love you as much as she did, she wouldn’t have moved halfway around the world to try to forget you. This is the kind of love you can’t let go of so easily. Jane tells me she writes about you in her letters. Emily needs some time to heal herself, but she won’t stop loving you.”
“Gram, what kills me is that Emily has cut off communication with everybody. She’s living in a country where she can’t possibly have a sincere conversation with anyone. She’s hurting alone. Every time I think about this, it eats me up inside. And I pushed her to this. If I hadn’t been so hard on her…If I had just called her…None of this would have happened.”
“Jakey, don’t be so hard on yourself. She wouldn’t have gone away if she didn’t think she could take care of herself. Let me tell you a story about your grandpa, and how we almost didn’t get married. You’ll enjoy it.”
“What do you mean? You two were crazy in love. I don’t think I knew anyone who loved each other as much as you and Gramps.”
Gram smiled knowingly. Her eyes watered thinking about her husband who passed away too soon. “Jakey, you remind me most of your grandfather. You have that same passion and drive. My father was like that as well. That’s probably why I favor you. You remind me of my two favorite men.”
I never knew this. Our courses began to arrive, and knowing how much Emily would have enjoyed this food, I stared at all the plates set before me. Rather than eat, I sat back and listened to Gram’s story. Since I knew it had a happy ending, I hoped to learn something from the story and apply it to my life with Emily.
“I met Jerry in college in London. He was attending medical school while I was in my junior year in undergrad. Your grandfather was so handsome. You look a lot like him, though I think your grandpa was even better looking than you.” We both chuckled at her comment.
“Your grandpa courted me for a year then asked me to marry him. I thought as soon as I graduated, I’d be married and live a happy life.”
“So what happened? It sounds like everything was going well.”
“Jerry decided he didn’t want to go into medicine; instead, he wanted to go to business school. Against his parents’ wishes, he dropped out of medical school and decided to get his MBA in America.”
“I assume you got married and followed him out to the States?”
“No!” she answered emphatically. My gram sounded as cute as Emily when she was upset. This time I put my arms around her and kissed her cheek.
“Gram, you can be so cute at times.”
She answered back with another knowing smile.
“Jerry’s parents cut him off financially and he didn’t want us to get married till he was out of school. He didn’t want me to suffer in America—heaven forbid I’d get a job and help support him through school. He told me to stay here for another three years while he got his degree, and he said he�
�d come back for me. I argued against the idea, but he up and left one day without a word. I was heartbroken. This to me was no different than him breaking off the engagement.”
“Obviously you waited or I wouldn’t be here today.”
“I wrote to him and told him I was going to marry the next boy who looked my way. He basically laughed at me in his letter. I got so mad, I went to study fashion in Paris, and I told my parents not to give Jerry my forwarding address.”
“No way. You went off by yourself? So did Great-Grandma really not tell Gramps where you were?”
“Both my parents were furious at Jerry for making me flee to Paris, so they kept to their agreement and wouldn’t tell him where I was.” Gram started laughing at this point. “During my time in Paris, I met another man, and he was crazy about me. I didn’t love him like I loved Jerry, but I was so mad at Jerry I accepted this guy’s proposal. And, as soon as I accepted his proposal, I sent a letter with my address, telling Jerry about my impending marriage. Well, he came across the Atlantic faster than I could pick out a wedding dress.”
“Was he penitent or was he mad?” If I were Gramps, I would probably be a bit of both knowing the love of my life was willing to marry another man.
She cackled away this time. “Jerry showed up at my apartment, but I wouldn’t see him. He begged me not to marry anyone else. He slept outside my door for almost a week. I would sneak out to class early in the morning when he was asleep, and my roommates would let him in the apartment to shower and change when I wasn’t around. A week later, after I thought he’d suffered enough, I let him in the apartment and asked him why I should marry him instead of my fiancé.”
“What did he say?”
