by Cee, DW
"Who was that?" Ashley asked. "There's something wrong with her. And what was she talking about when she said that Max was leaving?"
"I don't know," I whispered. "Is Psycho still looking my way?" I had to put my head down because I thought I might cry. Maybe it was all the alcohol making me melodramatic, but I really wanted to cry. How could Max make such a huge decision without mentioning it to me once? "Ash, look for me. I need to call Max right now, but I don't want to do it if Psycho is watching me. I don't want to give her the satisfaction."
"She was staring at you for a while, but then she disappeared somewhere. I don't know where she is anymore."
"I need to call Max. Sorry."
"Jane...be calm before you call him. You don't know if that woman was telling the truth," Becky tried to comfort me.
"Sorry for ending the party."
"Our rides are coming anyway. Call him. Get this resolved." Evie also comforted me.
"Hello, my precious gem. I'm on my way to you right now." Max greeted me.
"Max...I just have one question and I want you to answer me truthfully."
"Okay..."
"Are you going somewhere this summer?"
"Um...yeah, I am...well, I'm not sure if I am now..." He stumbled over his words.
"When were you going to tell me about this trip you had planned?"
"It's not exactly a trip, Jane. It's not like I'm going on vacation. I haven't mentioned it to you because..."
"Let me get this straight. You never once mentioned to me that you applied for a program that'll take you away an entire summer, maybe even longer - not while applying for this program, not after you got accepted into this program, and not even now, while you are thinking about going on this program. Were you just going to say goodbye the day of your departure?"
"Jane, you're being overly dramatic about this. Yeah, it's true I haven't talked to you about my summer plans, yet. We only got back together a couple of months ago. I wanted to make sure things worked out between us before I made a decision about summer."
"Oh, so you wanted to keep both options open just in case one didn't pan out?" At this point, I was more mad than sad. It's almost as though he had been using me all this time .What would be more fun and beneficial to me this summer? Hanging out with my girlfriend or going to save all the impoverished kids in the world? Hmmm. Deep inside I knew he wasn't using me, but whatever. I was pissed - irrationally pissed! "I'm going home with Becky and Donovan. Don't bother picking me up!"
"Hello, Ladies!" Donovan greeted all of us, as I hung up on Max.
"Girls, I'll see you at the engagement party. Becky, Donovan, let's go."
I didn't know Max's eta, so I rushed the three of us out of the restaurant.
"Why the rush, Miss Jane? You being chased by someone?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"I take it I'm your ride home?" Donovan opened the car door for the both of us. Always the consummate gentleman.
"Can I crash at your place tonight, Donovan?"
"Is your boyfriend going to want to duel with me at dawn if I say yes?"
"No...he won't care," I whispered, blinking back tears.
February 7, 2013 Pain
I decided to call in sick on Friday and spend the day moping around the house, instead. I hoped for time to think about what had happened at the restaurant, and how I was going to deal with Max leaving me.
Donovan dropped me off first thing, and like a weird rerun of a bad sitcom, Max was waiting for me, at my doorstep, ready to battle. My attire didn't help the situation. I was in Donovan's shirt and sweatpants, and I was coming out of his car at 6:30 in the morning. Whatever...I didn't care at this point. I'd had such an exhausting night talking and agonizing with Becky, I didn't have much strength left.
"Uh-oh. You gonna be in trouble? You want me to tell him this isn't how it looks?”
"Are you laughing right now? 'Cuz if you are, I'm gonna put my foot to your backside."
Donovan started cracking up.
"Shut up, Donovan. I'm too tired for your stupidly morbid sense of humor, and I gotta prepare myself for a fight with Max right now. For all I know, we may end up breaking up."
"We've had this discussion already. You know where I stand, my vixen, should things go sour. Go get 'em, Tigress!" He rubbed my head and kissed it again. Why'd he have to do that right now and make me smile? I didn't want to smile in front of Max. I wanted to stay angry.
"Whatever. Go give Andrea a kiss for me, instead. Then maybe she won't make my life hell when I get back to work on Monday. Bye." With that, I shut the car door and didn't look back.
I walked up the steps and stood a few feet away from Max. He looked...upset? Angry? Sad? But, not remorseful!
"What are you doing with him again?"
"Donovan is the last of our problems."
"Jane." He tried to contain his anger by shoving his hand through his hair. "You cannot run to Donovan every time we have an issue. I am your boyfriend. Not Donovan!"
"You know, Max...a boyfriend usually tells his girlfriend when he plans to leave her for a while. A boyfriend may even consult with his girlfriend before making this decision. And usually, a girlfriend doesn't have to find out from another woman that her man is going away. Do you have any idea how I felt when Joyce triumphantly announced that you two were going away this summer? And do you also know how I felt when my best friends asked me what Joyce was talking about, and I didn't have any answers for them? I might as well have been a stranger to you, because at that moment when Psycho proudly announced your trip, I knew you about as well as my best friends did."
I caught a lone tear before it fell. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me.
"Jane. This was something I applied for when we were still separated. I got the acceptance right before I met you and your family in New York, and have been mulling over what to do. You know this is what I want to do. You know that helping impoverished kids is my goal as a pediatrician. This can't work between us if you don't understand what I want to do with my life."
"There are many impoverished children in our own backyard. You don't have to get on a plane to help them out. If that's really what you want to do, then drive south about half an hour and do what you feel is your life's goal. I'm sorry that you've had to mull over whether or not to separate from me. I won't stop you from accomplishing your life's goal. Heaven forbid that I get in your way. Call me when you're done saving the world.”
"Jane. Stop!" He held my hand right before I stepped into the house.
"No. You stop. Stop and ask yourself this - If going on this summer program is so important to you, 'a life's goal' as you call it, and if I'm important enough to you to be called your girlfriend, then why couldn't you discuss any of this with me? If you need to fly hundreds and thousands of miles to get away from me, from us, then go. Just don't use saving the world as your excuse."
"You know that's not what I'm doing."
"I don't know anything, anymore. I just know how I feel, and it doesn't feel good. Let's talk again, later, Max. I don't want to say anything out of anger."
I closed the door behind me, walked straight up to my room, and shut myself in for the day. As much as I wanted to, I didn't cry. I told myself that Max and our two-month relationship wasn't worth crying over. I laid on the floor, in fetal position with a pillow to lean on, and thought about nothing.
"Jane?" I woke up to a sweet voice. "Is it okay if I come in?" Emily walked in with a tray of food.
"Sure." I got up from the floor and wiped off the dry tears that had crusted around my eyes. I must have cried in my sleep, since I didn't remember crying when I was awake. "If you don't mind, can you just leave the tray on the table?" I didn't finish that sentence, but she knew I didn't want her here.
"Do you want to talk?" Emily cautiously asked.
"Not really. Even if I did, you're the last person I want to talk t
o since you were so close to Max at one point. It'd be a little weird."
Emily looked thoroughly hurt. Tears glistened her eyes immediately. "Okay...sure...I understand. Just know that I'll be here if you need me..." She quickly left the room.
I could be such a bitch at times. I'd apologize later but right now, I was in so much pain, I wanted to mow down anyone in my path.
I had bouts of extreme physical pain throughout the day. Literally. It was the weirdest thing. Every few hours, my body would severely suffer an ache, a burn, an illness - everything combined - whenever I thought about this situation. I about keeled over when I thought about Max and Joyce intimately discussing their trip. The pain came on even stronger when I thought about us breaking up. Something like this had never happened to me before.
I'm no 27 year-old virgin. I'd had many boyfriends before, and two very serious ones before Max came along. When the relationships ended, sure I was sad, and sure my heart was broken, but I'd never been in so much bodily pain over a guy. What would happen to me when Max and I actually broke up?
This was how my day went. Out of sheer stubbornness and spite, I kept myself from crying over this guy. But, I couldn't do anything to stop the torturous onslaught that visited me every few hours.
"Jane? Honey, why don't you come down and have dinner with us?"
"No thank you, Gram. I'd like to stay in my room if that's okay. I'm sorry to be rude, but could you ask everyone to give me some privacy, today? I promise, I'll be back to my normal self by tomorrow."
"Dear, come down and talk to us. Your mom and dad are very worried about you. Let us help you."
"Gram..." I almost broke down. My stomach felt that weird tingle, my nose started clogging up, and the tears filled up fast. "...please just let me be, today?" I whispered.
Gram lost this battle and closed the door.
I, too, lost the battle and the floodgate opened.
I cried.
February 11, 2013 Brother(s)ly Love
Max has texted or called every day since that morning, but I haven't had the courage to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him, but I was afraid of how our conversation would end...if we would end. Today is the beginning of the week, and I have yet to return any of his calls. Chicken...I know! This is what went down last weekend.
We were on our way to Sam's birthday party when the phone rang again, for the third time.
"Will you put the poor guy out of his misery and pick up the damn phone?" Nick begged. "Never mind. I'll answer it."
"Nick, no!”
"Hey Max. This is Nick and you're on speaker because my sis is driving."
"Hey Nick. Jane?"
"Yeah..." I whispered.
"Baby, why aren't you answering any of my calls? You gotta talk to me. We need to talk about what happened the other morning."
"I know..." Dammit! I didn't want to cry but the tears automatically filled my eyes.
"Can we meet now? Are you nearby, somewhere?"
"No." I started wiping the tears off my face. I hated being emotionally crippled. "Nick and I are going to our cousin Samantha's birthday party in San Diego, and we're going to spend the weekend there."
"Do you want to meet us there today?" Nick asked without my permission. I punched him hard in the arm.
"I'd like to but I can't. Baby, can I come by and see you another day this weekend?"
"I'm not ready to talk to you yet," was all I could muster.
"Jane...it's been a week. This isn't healthy. We can't go on like this. You promise to talk to me when you get back?"
"Yes.”
"If I text you, will you at least respond so I know you're there?"
I don't know if I'm really here.
"Gem...?"
"Alright." I hung up the phone without a proper goodbye.
"What is wrong with you, Jane? I've never seen you so emotional. What did Max do to you?"
"I don't know why I'm like this either, Nick. I feel like a basket case, and whenever I think of breaking up with Max, I go into these bouts of physical pain."
"Are you guys breaking up?"
"I don't know yet."
"Max was worried about you when you stopped answering his calls, so he called me and told me what happened - kind of. He didn't go into details, but I got the gist of what went down. Was what he did so bad that you have to act like the world is ending?"
"It's my reaction to what he did, that's scaring me. I've never felt so devastated and betrayed and I don't like it. If it's over, I should be sad that it's over, but it shouldn't feel like my life is over."
"So...it's not that you're mad at what he did, so much as you're mad at your reaction to what he did?"
"Yeah."
"Seriously? Max is going out of his mind thinking he's committed the gravest sin against you, and you're upset because of you and not because of him?" Nick shook his head and closed his eyes in disbelief.
"He started this whole argument. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be in this state." I argued against Nick's incredulity.
"Get a grip and resolve this already, will ya? I can't take your moping! And poor Max. He's miserable too. This is why I don't want a serious relationship till I'm at least 40. You women are demented!"
Samantha's party was a quiet affair, as quiet as it can get with all the cousins in one place. Jake came down with the twins, but without Emily because she was still going through morning sickness. The babies were a joyful distraction.
"Hello my handsome nephew. How was the drive? Do you like being out in the ocean?" I held onto this newly walking 9 month-old for fear that he may fall off Uncle Billy's boat. He kept squirming, trying to get down and practice his newfound freedom. When Nick came around, James moved on to Nick in hopes that he'd let him walk.
Instead, Nick too, held on tight and distracted him with his best SpongeBob imitation while lifting him up in the air. "Hello, Nephew!" James started cracking up.
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants..." Nick went on and on with this song.
James couldn't stop laughing. As soon as Nick started with the "Whooooo..." James would burst into a fit of giggles that was so cute. Seeing and hearing her brother laugh, Elizabeth somehow urged Samantha to bring her to Nick, and she wanted a part of the fun. She, too, would clap her hands and jump up and down in Sam's arms with glee.
"Uh!" She commanded Nick to pick her up. Of course, when the babies command, we all oblige. Nick and Sam swapped twins.
"How you doing?" Jake moseyed over to me.
"I don't know, Jake. I just hurt a lot."
"I know what it feels like to be hurt by, and to hurt the one you love. Just remember that when I took my time licking my wounds, the woman I loved thought I no longer cared and left me. Those were some of the darkest days of my life, not knowing when I would see her again, not knowing how she was doing. Imagine my misery and regret whenever I think about how I could have prevented both our heartaches. This woman, whom I loved more than life, left believing I didn't love her anymore. When I think back to that time, I can't believe how stupid I was. Though everything ended well for us, I still don't like feeling that sense of regret." Jake put his arms around me and enveloped me into his body. "Don't do anything you'll regret later. You can't ever take it back, and you don't ever forget. You understand what I'm telling you?" I nodded yes and let my big brother keep holding me.
Sandwiched by love from both bookends, today was one of the rare days I enjoyed being a middle child.
February 14, 2013 A Happy Valentine's Day?
The last ten days have been ugly! I went to Ashley's engagement party alone and stayed the entire time with a pasted smile on my face. My girlfriends knew not to ask about Max's absence, but no one else seemed to have gotten that memo.
Andrea, my crazy boss from hell, yelled at me in front of the entire patent law department for a small error I made in the brief I wrote up. She yelled for so long an
d so loudly, that everyone in the firm stared into the conference room. It was only when Gimpy walked into the meeting that she stopped yelling.
"Is there a problem, Ms. Kot?"
"I'm sorry sir for causing any worry. Jane here made a huge error in her brief, and I was chastising her a bit."
Lambasting was more like it.
"Ms. Kot, I don't know what my dear Jane could've done so wrong, but I'd like for you to show a little grace and decorum. We do not go into tirades regardless of the situation, and we definitely do not bother all the other lawyers who are hard at work. Why, I could hear you all the way from the conference room, down the hall. It was embarrassing to step out of my meeting to see what was going on in here."
