by Cee, DW
“Aha! I knew it.” Mr. Emcee had hit the jackpot. “You all have quite an incestuous relationship going on. Did you know, or did we just out these two?” I was grateful he was questioning Max and not me. I took one more step back trying to disappear from this situation. Donovan didn’t notice the tears glistening in my eyes or the pain in my heart making my entire body ache.
“I knew,” Max gave a resigned answer.
“Now did you date Jane while you were with Laney?”
“No.” Donovan’s lightning fast answer didn’t make me feel any better. “And we didn’t really date. It was one date while both of us were technically single.”
“Technically single...” The emcee wasn’t convinced. “Is that correct, Laney? Was he not a part of your life when he dated your cousin? You know, the camera zoomed in on your face when it was mentioned that the man you’re standing next to dated your cousin...”
“It was only one date!” Donovan kept clarifying.
“As I was saying, you looked shocked and hurt when you heard about these two. We all want to know what you’re thinking. You’re the only one who hasn’t weighed in on this soap opera.”
Shit. What I feared had happened. The camera deadpanned into my deer-in-headlight face and I knew I couldn’t hide the answer any longer. In order to get out of this situation and this vicinity altogether, I gave him the answer he wanted.
“I just broke up with a good man who told me once that he started living the moment we met, for a man I’ve been in love with since I was ten, only to find out that he recently dated my cousin while pursuing me. Yeah...I’d say I’m shocked and hurt.”
That was all I could take without crying in front of 15,000 people. I exited the camera space in haste and just got away. Every time I thought life between us might work, something crept back up to hurt me. These exposés on Donovan and my cousin were the worst.
“Delaney.” Donovan called to me but looked frightened. I put out my hand like a stop sign so he would know I didn’t want anything from him and continued to walk away. “Please,” he begged but I didn’t listen. “Please, let me explain.”
“Loving you has been nothing but painful, Donovan. I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I hurt so much and knowing about you and my cousin almost kills me. If you’re going to add to my pain, please don’t. Honestly, I can’t take anymore. Because I’ve given in to you habitually, you might think I’m capable of taking on more of your bullshit lies. Well, I can’t any longer. Let’s just call it quits here.”
Donovan didn’t hesitate to put both his arms around me and hold me tight. He wouldn’t let me move. “I’m sorry doesn’t mean much when someone says it too many times. I know that’s all I’ve been doing with you. The morning of Jane’s birthday, I gave her two plane tickets and asked her to go away with me. The asshole that I was, I told her I didn’t care what she told Max, I just wanted a weekend with her to explore the chemistry between us.” And here, I started bawling. I remembered the day of Jane’s birthday, and I remembered thinking that I saw Donovan in a cab and being so happy to finally run into him again. I was going to tell him how much I loved him. I was going to bare my soul to him and pray that he would accept all I had to give. While I was dreaming about him, he was asking Jane to go away with him. My fantasy never matched up with my reality. But it was Donovan who fed my fantasy when he waited for me all those hours on the steps of Gram’s home. More times than I could count, I wanted so much to go out to him and to tell him everything. Each time he left, I thought if he had stayed even five minutes longer, I would have confessed everything and started the relationship he appeared to want to try with me. I just couldn’t reconcile why he would wait for me all those days, all those hours, when the person he wanted was Jane. What kind of sick man played these kinds of games with women? “I know you’re hurt because it looks like I was with Jane while pursuing you. And partially, that is true. I won’t deny it.”
This pain that came with loving someone was something I didn’t equate into a relationship, and I wasn’t convinced it was worth the possible happiness. Donovan continued to explain but we were interrupted by a loud gasp. Instinctively, both of us looked at the giant TV monitors and saw Max on one knee proposing to his love. The beautiful look on Jane’s face somewhat settled my disturbed heart. Though Donovan and I had much to work through, if Max and Jane could forgive each other’s iniquities and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, I saw a small hope for us, too.
“Let’s table our issues and go congratulate Max and Jane.” I pushed Donovan away and started walking, but he grabbed my hand and apologized one more time.
There was a huge celebration going on around our seats. All the gracious concertgoers were enjoying the revelry.
“Congratulations!” I hugged Jane first, then Max. “I’m very happy for you.” I truly hoped that though my splotchy face looked sad, I conveyed my love and good wishes for the both of them.
“You and Donovan will get here, too. Don’t give up, Laney.”
I knew at that moment, there were tears of sadness in my eyes, but I still smiled at Max, who was kind enough to comfort me.
“What can I do to make your heart not hurt so much?” Emily whispered as she came in for a group hug with Max.
“Laney.” Max spoke in all seriousness. “After four years of being with this wonderful woman, I gave her up and didn’t ever think I’d find someone as special. Then out of nowhere, I meet this high-spirited woman who kept me on toes the entirety of our relationship. She is beautiful, she is a lot of work, but she is worth every heartache and tear. She might be that much more special because I thought I might have lost her at one point. Don’t lose hope. Once all your kinks are straightened, your love now will feel like puppy love compared to what’s to come.”
“Thank you, Max,” was really all I could say because I didn’t and couldn’t believe him. I knew Max wasn’t lying about any of his feelings. I just didn’t believe that what had happened to him and Jane would happen with Donovan and me.
The trip back home was a long one. During some part of the ride, I must have fallen asleep because I found myself in Donovan’s arms again. He didn’t say much after the concert, and we all quietly disbanded to our rooms. It was disappointing to see Donovan’s stuff in another room, but he came into mine and wanted to talk.
“You up for talking some more, or do you want to go to sleep?”
Was I up for talking? This needed to be done so we could both get on with our lives one way or the other. “Sure.”
We made our way to the kitchen table, Donovan uncorked a bottle of wine, poured two glasses, then went right back to his story.
“I made that shitty proposal to Jane and went off to London to take care of some business and to hopefully talk to you to understand why I was so frustrated and yet so obsessed with you. It pissed me off that I couldn’t get you off my mind. Jake and Al kept telling me I was in love with you, but I denied it and wanted answers. I wanted an answer concerning you, and I wanted an answer concerning Jane.”
He stared at me with a funny look so I asked, “What?”
“You gonna say anything?”
“Is that a requirement in this conversation?”
That brought out a darling chuckle from this man. “No. I thought you might have a choice word or two for me, so I was waiting for it to begin.”
“No comment.”
He stared a while longer and was lost for a few more seconds, then continued.
“I went to see you at Gram’s, and you were sitting on the steps looking beautiful in Bee’s yellow bumble bee dress. You don’t know how happy I was to finally see you and get a hold of you. All those times I stopped by, you were never home.”
“Oh, I was home...” I briefly interrupted.
Donovan stopped his flow of conversation and looked like he might get pissed about me being home, but he only said, “We’ll talk about that later.”
&nbs
p; “Later...” I repeated in a childish way.
“So,” he said a little loudly to catch my attention back to his story—like my attention ever went anywhere else—”as I was saying, you were waiting and I thought you saw me because your face broke into the most stunning smile. Between your dress and your sweet smile, I thought I was being blinded by a ray of sunshine. But as soon as I took my eyes off you to tell the cab driver to stop, Michael had come and swept you into his arms. It looked like he caught you by surprise, but you looked happy. And I think that was the day everything changed for me.”
“So that was you...” I said softly and sadly.
“Huh? What does that mean, Delaney?”
“That day, I sat on my steps for a very long time imagining and dreaming of you sitting next to me. I missed you so much I sat there and pretended you had come to tell me you were madly in love with me and couldn’t live without me. I conjured up scenarios of us talking about our future and talking about how many kids we’d have, and in the midst of dreaming, I thought I spotted you in a black cab. It was like my dream had come true, and it brought me such elation. Clearly, I remember that day and how relieved I felt to be able to tell you and have you maybe understand and accept my heart. But at the blink of an eye, Michael was in front of me and you had vanished.” I laughed sadly. “Poor Michael thought my smile was all for him and that made his day. Because of that smile, he proposed to me and asked me to be his future duchess. I guess Jane and I both got over-the-top proposals that day.”
Donovan only scratched his head in frustration. “After I saw you and Michael, I flew into Chicago when Becky called to say Jane was there and in trouble. And when I got to Chicago, I learned that I had fucked things up for Jane, and Max had left her for his Mexico trip a month earlier than planned.”
“How did Max find out?”
“Just my luck, he was outside her door. He had arrived right after me and left as soon as I was done.”
“Poor Max.” I didn’t hurt for him as much as I thought I might, since everything worked out well for him and Jane. As Max said, they were stronger than ever, possibly thanks to their troubles.
“Jane was a mess, and to make a long story short, she and I went out on one date. We saw a show, had dinner, and shared one kiss.” This was where the hurt came back and the tears I tried so hard to keep inside started rolling down my cheeks. “It was one kiss. And it was the most disgusting, incestuous kiss that ever occurred between two people. Jane and I were both repelled with one another and horrified that we’d hurt everyone around us to satisfy our curiosity. Also, what you saw at the hospital, it wasn’t what you thought. I pulled Jane in and asked her to allow me to kiss her one more time. After seeing you with Michael and experiencing that kiss with Jane, I knew what Jake and Al had been telling me all this time was true. I’d been in love with you, but had denied it. So I asked Jane for one more kiss just to be clear once and for all on the issue of her and me. BUT, we came to the conclusion that it wasn’t necessary. And as karma the bitch would have it, you walked in right when we were about to untangle from one another.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and said, “OK.” To be completely honest, I didn’t know what to feel at this point. The practical me put this whole scenario into focus, and I weeded out what mattered and what I needed to let go.
“OK? Um... is there more to that? Do you have any questions? Multi-word comments? A four-letter word or two?”
“The more I think about this situation, I suppose I have no right to be upset with you. You were not my boyfriend at the time. There were no promises made between us before I left. And I even had a boyfriend. I could be upset with the fact that you hurt Max, but since he got over all that’s happened and felt sure enough to propose, whatever indignity I felt for him is moot. I can’t exactly be on Jane’s side, either, since she was just as guilty as you were. The only issue I can raise is the fact that I am alarmed by your selfishness. Just because you’re curious about a woman does not give you the right to take her away from another man.”
“You are absolutely right. That was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life; every day I live with the guilt. I am grateful Max and Jane were able to work out their problems and get engaged.”
“Donovan, I really don’t know what to say. Yes, I’m hurt. Yes, that emcee caught me by surprise. But I don’t know if I can cry foul anymore over something that happened, unrelated to me. As you pointed out, you and Jane were technically single.”
“Delaney, don’t do that. Don’t go apathetic on me. Cry, yell, scream, do whatever you like, but don’t make me think you don’t care.”
“You know I care. The problem is that I care too much and have always cared too much for you.”
Donovan brought his chair right in front of me and had us face one another. “Tell me what went wrong this morning. If you don’t want to talk about Jane anymore, we don’t have to. We can bring that up later again if you want, or ask more questions if you have them. But tell me what happened this morning?”
I sighed heavily. “Maybe this, too, is a moot point. I was upset with how familiar and casually intimate Kate was with you, still.”
“You’ve lost me. Give me an example.”
Was he clueless or playing clueless? “Here are the questions that went through my mind while you were with Kate. How did she know where to reach you? How the hell did she know where to get a coffee cup and spoon from that Paris apartment? Has she stayed with you in Grandfather’s apartment? Did you and I share one of the most intimate acts on the same bed you and she had slept in? Had all the beds we shared up until now been recycled? I know I’m being unfair to you since you were with her for so long, but I just can’t get rid of her shadow—or perhaps I’m the shadow.” He placed both his hands on my face and his forehead eventually leaned into mine. “I’m sorry for being so young and inexperienced in life and love. I probably sound stupid and juvenile to you. I can’t ever be your first anything...I know. I just don’t like coming in second place all the time.”
“Princess,” he softly spoke and placed his mouth on mine. It was the sweetest kiss he’d ever given me. That kiss touched every part of me that hurt and was like a soothing balm. “You are second to no one, and I don’t want you ever thinking you are anyone’s shadow. Kate has been to Roland’s before on business, but I wasn’t there. Her company has hired our firm in the past and she and Roland have worked together many times. That’s why he hired her the minute he knew she was available.” Well, now I felt kinda dumb for jumping the gun on that conclusion. “What we did that night in Paris was as intimate and beautiful to me as it was for you. I missed out on giving you some of my firsts, but I hope to be your first and only in every way.”
“Did I totally go overboard in the drama department, again?” I was so embarrassed now for having jumped to all these conclusions. I dropped my head on his shoulder so I wouldn’t have to look into his eyes.
He snickered, a little. “No bed has been recycled, but if you want to visit some of the European landmarks, then most likely I’ve been there with my family. My parents took us all on our first major European trip, so Eiffel Tower, the Sistine Chapel, the Louvre...been there, done that.” Now he was just plain teasing me.
I giggled. “Well, I’ve been to all those places already, too. You won’t be my first at any of those places, either.”
“Is that right?” He pulled my face up to his and placed tender, sweet kisses all over me. “Then I suppose,” he kissed my forehead, “we will have to,” he kissed my nose, “create as many firsts as we can,” he kissed both cheeks, “while your grandfather’s firm is paying for these trips.” He had me in a full-blown kiss. “Do I need to explain my years with Kate, now?” He interrupted our sweet kiss with that sour question.
“I’m thinking we will save her for another day. It’s late and I’m tired.”
“I am too, Princess.”
“Hey.” We both jumped when we hear
d another voice in this kitchen. “You guys haven’t gone to bed yet?”
Jane appeared as if she had just woken up, and she looked dazed.
“Not yet. We’ve been talking.” Donovan put his hand on my cheek again and smiled.
“Any chance I could talk to Laney for a bit?”
“She’s tired, Jane.” This protective stuff was cute.
“I know, Donovan,” Jane rolled her eyes at him. “I won’t keep her long. But I’d like for you to leave.”
He obliged and kissed me one more time. “Come see me before you go to bed?”
Um...are we not in the same bed? “OK.”
Jane watched Donovan leave and asked, “Everything copacetic between you two?”
“Not wholly yet, but we’re getting there. We both have a lot to work through, and Donovan has a past that keeps creeping up on him.”
“About Donovan’s past...I’ve been waiting for you to come back to London so we could talk. I’m glad we got to meet up before I went back home. I’ve got a lot of apologizing to do.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me. As long as you and Max have worked out your relationship, I’m happy for you. Max is up there with Jake in my eyes. He’s perfect for you.”
“And Donovan is perfect for you.” Jane paused and made us both a bit uncomfortable. “I’ve always been jealous of you, ever since we were young.”
That statement almost knocked me off my chair. “Why would you be jealous of me? You’re the smart one, the beautiful one, everyone’s favorite—well, after Jake of course...”
“Of course! No one could beat my brother in that category.”
“I’ve never harbored any ill will against you—well, maybe I did a little when I saw you and Donovan kissing—but I’ve always believed you had everything going for you. Your personality commanded attention while people thought mine was ‘unique.’ Your looks are exotic while mine are everyday Americana. You oozed intelligence while I always got the dumb blonde looks. What on earth would make you jealous of me?” Was Jane joking?
