by A. Zavarelli
Before he can reply, Magda and Kat appear in the doorway, with Josh still tucked against her side. She must be exhausted from holding him, but I know there’s no prying him away from her right now.
“Josh ate a snack,” she says softly. “But he’s very tired, and I think we need to get him settled in somewhere. Can we go now?”
“Yes, Katya.” I offer her a pained smile. “We can go.”
Kat tests the water in the bathtub with her fingers, her face heavy with exhaustion as Josh wiggles around in her grasp. She can barely hold him at this point, but I know she’s trying to keep a sense of normalcy for him.
“I had a bath already,” Josh protests, his bottom lip quivering. “I want to watch TV.”
“You did have a bath this morning.” Kat glances at his clothes and cringes at the blood that’s been transferred from her. “But you need another one.”
A slamming door down the hall in the hotel causes Kat to flinch. Josh cranes his neck to look up at her, his tiny hand coming up to her face. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
She chokes back a sob, and I gather Josh up into my arms, pulling Kat up beside me. “Mommy is very tired. She’s going to go rest while I get you cleaned up. Okay, buddy?”
Josh still doesn’t seem sold on the idea, and Kat already has a protest on her lips. But I need her to understand that she isn’t doing things alone anymore. This might be the biggest clusterfuck of her life, but it’s mine too. We’re in this together.
“Just go sit down,” I tell her. “Grab a drink from the minibar. Eat something, please. I’ve got this.”
When it dawns on her that she’s too tired to argue, she nods and pads out of the bathroom. A minute later, the television turns on, and I turn my attention to Josh. The first order of business is disposing of these clothes, but luckily for us, Talia was kind enough to give us a few of her son’s outfits to see us through until I can buy some more.
I rifle through the bag, finding a pair of pajamas and hold them up for Josh to examine. “What do you think?”
“Minions?” He smiles his approval. “I like Minions.”
I strip him down, and after a few more feeble protests, I get him into the bathwater. While I was terrified this morning that Josh would never calm down, it seems he’s starting to get back to his normal self. Other than picking up on Kat’s emotions, his main concerns right now are comfort and cartoons. He’s young, and I can only hope that the events of today will be long forgotten over the coming weeks, but I have no way of knowing that.
After I get Josh washed up, I drain the tub and start a new bath while I dry him off with a towel.
“Another bath?” His face pinches in concern.
I chuckle as I kneel before him and help him into his pajamas. “That’s for Mommy.”
“So, I can watch TV now?” he pleads.
“Yes, you can watch a little TV now.”
When he slips his hand in mine, something in my chest gives way. It feels like a brick wall with twenty years of repressed emotion crumbling under the weight of this one simple gesture.
My son.
It’s still difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I’m a father. And right now, at this moment, I want more than anything for him to understand that. Whatever happens, I will protect him. I will take care of him. Even if that means going to war with Vasily.
Kat opens her eyes when we enter the room, stirring to life from the chair she’s curled into. Her clothes are still a mess, and I know she needs to rest, but I also know she’s desperate to wash the day off her.
I help Josh onto the bed, and she watches him as he settles onto his stomach and focuses on the singing dogs on TV. Within about two seconds, he’s zoned out, and I’m in front of Kat, helping her up.
“What are we doing?” She protests.
“Getting you cleaned up.”
“But Josh—”
“Josh will be okay right here. And we’ll leave the bathroom door open so you can hear him, all right?”
It takes her a minute to nod her acceptance, but when I lead her into the bathroom, she attempts to start stripping off her clothes. Her limbs are too weak, and she can barely muster the energy, so I stop her, pausing to kiss her forehead and pull her against my chest. When I do, she chokes back a sob at the first glimpse of comfort she’s had all day.
“It’s okay, Katya. I’ve got you now.”
Silent tears spill against my chest as I cradle her against me, and this time, I don’t ask her to hold back. She lets it all out, until there’s nothing left, and still we stand there. I pet her hair, rub her back, kiss her face. A reassuring presence is all I can be for her right now. This morning, I failed her. She probably doesn’t trust me to tell her I won’t let it happen again, but right now, I’m all she has.
“Everything is going to be okay,” I whisper in her ear. “Just let me take care of you.”
Slowly, I strip off her clothes, piece by piece, until she’s naked before me. On any other occasion, I would already be balls deep inside her. But right now, that isn’t what she needs. So instead, I help her into the bath and kneel beside the tub, using the detachable showerhead to begin the process of washing her body. At this moment, she’s never looked so small. So fragile. My eyes absorb every detail of her skin, with my fingers following. I almost lost this today. That sinks in, over and over again, every second worse than the last. I’m trying not to think about it when I touch the birthmark on the back of her neck.
“Josh has the same one,” I croak.
Kat nods. “I know.”
She shivers when my soapy hands skate over her shoulders and down to her chest, grazing her nipples. Even when she’s bruised and bloodied, she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
I wash her hair, massaging her scalp and her shoulders, and then rinse it all off before draining and refilling the tub once more with clean water. As she relaxes back against the porcelain wall, my fingers slip between her thighs, and her eyes open at half-mast.
“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “He can’t see in here.”
Her eyes fall shut again, and I drag my fingers over her clit, slowly massaging her there while she shudders, biting back her pleasure. It isn’t sexual. It’s just intimate. A way to release some of her emotions and allow her to fully relax. And as I bring her to climax, I’m satisfied that I’ve done my job when she bucks against me, her breath hissing between her teeth.
She’s emotionally and physically spent as I gather her into my arms and towel her off, wrapping her in the hotel’s bathrobe before I lay her on the bed beside Josh. She looks up at me, murmuring that she doesn’t want me to go anywhere, and then falls back asleep.
3
Lev
Kat stirs from her sleep a little after midnight, blinking as she bolts upright in the bed. When her eyes collide with mine across the room, her shoulders relax, and she drags in a deep breath.
“How long have I been asleep?” she whispers.
“For a few hours.”
I shut the brown paper file on the table in front of me, and her gaze moves to the bombshell I’m not quite ready to deliver just yet.
“What is that?”
I lean back against the chair and crane my neck to the side, attempting to relieve some of the tension that’s gathered there. “I asked Alexei to do some research into the names listed on the drive. He’s handing it off to me as he goes through it.”
Kat frowns, glancing at Josh and adjusting his covers before she slips off the bed and comes to sit across from me. The soft glow of a lamp provides the only light in the hotel room, but I can still see the tension in her eyes.
“So, what happens now?” She swallows. “We can’t hide out in this hotel forever.”
“No, we can’t,” I agree. “I’m trying to figure out the next steps. And I know it’s not fair for me to ask, but I need you to trust me right now, Katya.”
Her fingers tangle together in her lap, and she seems to consider that b
efore she makes her own suggestion. “Or we could just run, Lev. We could run to another city and never look back. Farther than Boston. We could go anywhere. California. Texas. A place where none of this exists.”
I lean forward and wrap my fingers around hers, tugging her up and onto my lap. She relaxes into my chest, curling her legs between mine.
“Running isn’t an option, sweetheart.” I stroke her arm and bury my face into her neck. “I think you already know that. The only way to fix this is to face it head-on.”
“Are you talking about going to war with Vasily?” she croaks.
“I don’t know yet.” My grip on her tightens. “But if that’s what it comes down to—”
“You have a family now,” she bites out. “That’s what you keep telling me. Your job is to protect us. To stay with us.”
When her voice fractures, I drag my lips up to hers. “Shh, baby. I know.”
We’re both quiet for a while, lost in our own thoughts, before Kat speaks again.
“Is Andrei the one who killed Nina?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m glad he’s dead,” she whispers.
“Me too.” I close my eyes and breathe her in.
While I might be glad that the world is rid of Andrei, I’m also aware of the shitstorm his death will rain down on us. And I think it’s time that Kat understands that too. Going forward, I need her to be strong. I need her to trust that I’m doing what’s necessary, even if she may not like it.
“I know you have some questions. Perhaps now is the time to ask them.”
She looks up at me, curious, and I think... relieved. “Will you be honest with me?”
“Yes.”
She grazes her fingers over my forearm, the smallest gesture of affection, and I don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. But I do. And it means more than she could ever know.
“Is Vasily the head of your mafia family?” she asks.
“No. He’s what you would call a captain, if you will. He controls men beneath him, but he also reports to someone else.”
“So he’s powerful,” she notes. “But he answers to someone else. Does that mean the man in charge will want us dead too?”
“Not likely,” I tell her. “I doubt he’s even aware of what’s happening right now. Of course, Andrei’s death might raise some questions, but Vasily isn’t going to bring this to his boss. He handles things like this on his own, often under the radar of official Vor business. He’d have to be pretty desperate to take this all the way to the top.”
Kat turns to study me. “How did you even get into this life?”
“It wasn’t a conscious choice,” I say. “My mother was killed when I was fifteen. My father was already gone. Vasily was the only family I had left. He took me in, and I became indebted to him for that. The rest... it just happened.”
“But there must be a reason you’ve stayed all these years,” she presses. “If you don’t even like him.”
I scratch at the stubble on my jaw and shake my head. “We have a complicated relationship. I don’t think I ever really trusted him, but I felt I owed him. And I did respect him at one time. But whatever loyalty I may have had for him is gone now.”
I intentionally leave out the part about my mother, deciding it best for now not to mention it to Kat. At least not until this is over. I don’t want her to doubt my motivations.
“So, if you are his nephew, then what does that make you?” she asks. “How do you fit into the mafia?”
“Officially? I don’t.” I shrug. “Vasily never asked me to be inducted. I think he liked having his own control over me. I am connected only through him.”
“And Alexei,” she observes.
“He is my cousin. And yes, he is also a Vor, but he is a good man. We can trust him.”
“Can I trust you?”
Her question robs the breath from my lungs.
“I am here to protect you now, sweetheart. Please don’t ever doubt that.”
“But those weren’t always your intentions,” she argues. “Andrei said you were supposed to kill me.”
My jaw flexes, and her eyes feel like they are penetrating deep into my soul as she waits for me to explain this to her.
“I was sent to kill you,” I confirm. “But I didn’t. Because the moment I saw you again, I fucking knew, even before Josh, that you were meant to be mine.”
“How can I trust that?” she chokes out. “If you even considered it—”
“Because I would sooner put a bullet in my own head, Katya.” I force her back against me when she tries to pull away. “I’m in this now. Don’t you understand? I’ve left everything behind. I betrayed my blood. I killed my own cousin. And I would do it all again to protect this life I’m building with you.”
She falls quiet, and I still don’t know if she trusts my intentions, but regardless, she doesn’t try to leave me again.
“What are we supposed to do until you figure everything out?”
“For now, we’ll stay here,” I tell her. “Tomorrow, we will try to make things as normal as we can for Josh. We’ll grab some more clothes, food, whatever we need. And when I hear back from Alexei, we will start planning, okay?”
She tilts her head up to meet my gaze, and for the first time all day, she looks like some of her strength is returning. “I’m putting my trust in you, Lev. Please don’t let us down.”
4
Kat
The following morning, I watch Josh as he digs into the pancakes Lev brought him from the McDonald’s down the road. He eats them with a voracious appetite, and I remember we didn’t really have more than that snack at Lev’s cousin’s house last night.
“McDonald’s is a treat for him,” I tell Lev who is watching him with that same expression of awe and pride. And right now, a little wincing as Josh maneuvers a sticky piece of pancake dripping with syrup into his mouth, not quite getting it to its destination directly as it drops onto the open palm of the hand he’s holding beneath his plastic fork.
“Wow,” Lev says.
I have to chuckle as he takes in Josh licking the syrup off his palm.
“Is it driving you nuts?” I ask him, appreciating this moment of levity. Of almost normal. “I mean, you’re kind of a neat freak.”
He turns to me. “A little, but he’s cute. And I’m not a neat freak. I just like things organized and in their place.”
“Well, welcome to fatherhood.”
Fatherhood.
We both stop at my comment and just look at each other.
Lev reaches out a hand and brushes my hair back from my forehead, touching the bruise there.
“I wouldn’t change anything when it comes to him and you. I mean the part with us. Our family.”
I shift my gaze to the cup of coffee in my hands, smiling because I feel the same way. But at the same time, I know there’s the other part. The Russian mafia part.
As if on cue, his phone rings. We both have the new ones his cousin Alexei arranged for us. I don’t know Alexei, and a part of me questions whether he can be trusted. If he doesn’t have a way of tracking those phones and telling Vasily of our location. But Lev trusts him and even as fucked up as his family is, I see that level of trust between him and Alexei. I saw it with Pasha, too.
I don’t trust most people. Nina was the one who knew the most about me, but even she didn’t know everything.
Joshua knew. Joshua lived it with me. But he died, and after his death, I learned to keep my secrets.
But I told Lev the other night. I told him more than I’ve ever told anyone, and it felt natural. It felt good to say some of those things out loud.
Secrets hold power over you, and in a way, when you speak them out loud and tell them to another human being, it gives you your power back. I didn’t realize that until the other night.
I look up at Lev. He’s distracted, expression serious as he talks into his phone in Russian. And when I go to him and hug him, he’s surprised. I know it in
the break in his sentence. In that moment, he hesitates before wrapping his arm around me. I see it in the way he looks at me when I pull back.
“Mommy?” Josh is standing behind me hands palm-up. “I’m sticky.”
I watch Lev walk into the small attached living room part of our accommodation.
“Shocker,” I say, putting my coffee down and walking him into the bathroom to wash his hands. He still doesn’t quite reach the sink easily, so after rolling up his sleeves, I lift him and balance him on one leg as I wash his little hands.
“Can we go home now?” he asks.
When I look up from his hands, I find his eyes on me in the mirror, and inside them, I see the residue of the events of the past twenty-four hours.
“Not yet, sweetheart. We’re going to take a vacation with Lev first.” I don’t want to lie to him, but I need him to keep feeling secure and safe. At least as much as possible.
“But I want to go home.”
I switch off the water and busy myself with drying his hands, then crouch down to talk to him.
“You were scared yesterday, weren’t you?”
His eyes grow glassy with tears, and he nods.
“That man was a bad man, Josh, but he’s gone now, and he can’t hurt you anymore, okay?”
He touches my face, the spot on my forehead I thought I’d covered up so well with my hair.
“What about you? Can he hurt you?”
I take his hand and kiss the inside of it, then hug him. “No, sweetheart, he can’t hurt anyone ever again.”
Lev knocks on the door that I’d left ajar, pushing it open all the way.
I straighten, keeping hold of Josh’s hand, and watch Lev process what he sees. I study him, seeing how tightly his jaw is set and the furrow between his eyebrows.
“Pasha’s doing well,” he says, then turns to Josh. “He said he’ll be making you marshmallow pancakes again in no time.”
I look down to see Josh smile, and he’s just a normal little kid again. “I love marshmallow pancakes.”
