It was true, after all. Even if only for now.
The satisfaction she felt wasn’t from seeing her cousins slack-jawed, but from the sudden lightening of her soul. What these people thought of her truly didn’t matter and she didn’t need to bother any more.
‘If you’ll excuse me...’ She stepped past her cousins only to see her security officer standing at a slight distance behind them. Worse, Alek was standing beside him.
She froze. She’d been so focused on her cousins she’d not noticed him arrive. Now she saw the question in his eye and knew he’d heard some of that conversation. Her composure began to crumble.
‘Is everything all right, Hester?’ he asked, his gaze fixed on her.
‘Perfectly fine, Alek,’ she said clearly, despite her pulse pounding again in her ears. ‘But Kimberly, Brittany and Joshua were just explaining that unfortunately they’re unable to stay for the coronation. They need to return home tonight.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Alek swiftly turned to their security officer. ‘Could you please escort our guests back to their hotel now and ensure they get on the next available flight this afternoon?’
‘Of course, Your Highness.’ The security stepped forward with an authoritative air.
Hester watched as her cousins—with furious wordlessness—walked out of her life.
‘Are you okay?’ Alek asked softly once they were beyond earshot.
She nodded. ‘I’m fine.’ She flashed a wobbly grin at him. ‘I actually mean that. I handled them fine.’
‘Not fine, Hester.’ A chuckle broke his tense expression. ‘You eviscerated them.’
Alek watched a raft of expressions cross Hester’s face. She was much easier to read now—anger melded with satisfaction, but quickly faded to wispy sadness, to settle on bittersweet relief. It was a mash-up of conflicting emotions that made her so very human. He’d watched, frankly awed, as she’d stood her ground and despatched her former bullies. She’d breathed ice-cool fire.
Those flames within her were so well hidden, but when she let them show? She was incredible. He guided her through the gardens to the terrace and into his private study. He closed the door, determined to be alone with her again.
‘I was thinking,’ he muttered. ‘I don’t think this should end.’
‘Pardon?’ She shot him a confused look.
‘Our marriage.’ He cleared his throat and discovered how truly horrible awkwardness felt. ‘You realise we had unprotected sex yesterday.’
Her skin mottled and she ducked her head, brushing the swing of her hair back with a shaking hand. ‘Oh, I should have told you at the time but I... I wasn’t thinking,’ she mumbled. ‘I won’t get pregnant. I’m on contraception for other reasons. I’m sorry if you’ve been worried.’
‘Worried? No.’ He needed a moment to absorb the hit of disappointment. It was startling and he had to clear his throat again. ‘Well, I think that we should tear up the contract.’
Her eyes widened. ‘Tear it up?’ she echoed. ‘You want this to end already?’
‘No. I mean stay married,’ he clarified.
‘Stay married.’
She seemed to be stuck on repeat.
‘That’s right.’ He nodded. ‘For good.’
She just stared at him.
‘I will have to have children some day,’ he said.
She didn’t even blink. ‘I thought you had years to figure that out.’
‘I think perhaps I’ve figured it out already.’ He watched her closely. ‘I’m not going to lie. I didn’t think I wanted them. Partly because I don’t want to burden them with...everything. But perhaps the sooner I have children, the longer I’ll be around to be King, so they can have as long as possible to shape their own lives, have their own careers, their own dreams.’
She was still staring at him, still unmoving.
‘We work well together, Hester. We could make a good team.’
Why wasn’t she smiling? Why was she staring at him aghast, as if he’d said something insane? Why did he feel as if he’d just tried to run through a boggy field wearing woollen socks?
‘You’re willing to settle for...’ She trailed off. ‘Just for that?’
‘What do you mean “settle”?’ This made sense. ‘I don’t think I’d be settling, Hester.’
‘What about your dreams, Alek?’
‘My what?’
‘Your dreams.’
He shook his head blankly, because that wasn’t the point. That wasn’t ever the point.
‘You don’t have any?’ she asked softly.
His gaze narrowed as she stepped closer. She’d done a magnificent job of masking her emotions with her hideous cousins, but her façade had truly cracked wide now. Now there was pure golden fire. ‘What about mine?’ she asked.
‘Uh...um...’
‘You want me to stay married to you?’ she clarified. ‘To have children with you? So are you saying you’re in love with me?’
Hester held her breath, but for once in his life her charming, usually so smooth husband was lost for words.
‘Didn’t think so,’ she muttered. ‘You rebelled so much against the control the Crown—that tradition, your father—all exerted over you. Would you really just accept that little now? Really agree to live such an empty life?’
His gaze narrowed. ‘Who’s to say it would be empty?’
Had he been concerned he’d got her pregnant and decided he’d better offer to make this a permanent deal? Her heart ached because for a second there, just for a second, she’d wanted to believe he meant it for real.
‘For so long, I’ve felt like I didn’t fit in,’ she said.
‘You fit in just fine here. You know we could make this work.’
‘I want more than to just make something work.’
And when he bored of her? What then?
‘We’re a lot alike, Hester,’ he argued. ‘You don’t really want all that either. You were happy to accept a convenient marriage.’
‘Temporarily, yes. But, actually, I do want “all that”.’
She wanted the whole package—marriage and children, a family built on a foundation of love. The love she’d not had since her parents died. And the irony of it was that it was thanks to the confidence and appreciation Alek had given her that she finally recognised that she could and should.
‘I deserve “all that”.’
‘You could have everything here.’
‘And what’s that? What’s “everything”?’
‘Security. Safety.’
‘That’s what you think I need?’ She gazed at him. ‘Because that’s not everything. That’s not the most important thing to me.’
‘Hester, it’s what you need.’
‘Is that really what you think?’ She gazed at him, horrified. Did he think he was ‘helping’ her somehow? Rescuing her? Trying to fix her life for her because he’d been unable to do that in his past? Because he’d seen her horrible cousins? ‘Am I just a win for your wannabe doctor ego?’ she asked, hurt. ‘I don’t want to be that. I don’t want your pity.’
‘You don’t have it.’ Arrogance glittered.
She didn’t believe him. ‘When we first met, you were furious at the fact you had to get married. You thought a marriage of convenience was the worst thing ever and you wanted to fling your own choice in their faces. But now you’ve decided it’s everything you’ve ever wanted? What, something superficial, some purely contractual, cool paperwork?’
‘We’re hardly cool paperwork between the sheets, Hester.’
‘That’s just... That’s not anything more than sex for you. You don’t want anything actually emotional.’
His jaw hardened and a wary look entered his eyes. ‘And you do?’
She looked at him sadly. ‘I’ve not let anyone close to me in a lon
g, long time. Do you truly think I don’t feel anything more than just lust for you?’
He stilled and his expression shuttered. ‘Hester—’
But she was struggling to maintain her composure. ‘I don’t want to settle for safety and security. I want it all, Alek.’
He pressed his lips together. ‘What is it “all”, Hester? Moonbeams and fairy tales?’
‘Love isn’t an impossible fairy tale to me.’ She gazed at him. ‘My parents loved each other. I think yours did too.’
He’d turned into a statue. But she couldn’t stop her emotions from seeping through her once formidable control as in this most terrible of moments her feelings crystallised. Her ability to stay calm—to maintain her mask—vanished.
‘And yes, that’s the “everything”, the “all” I want. Love. And, honestly, I want it with you.’
He looked winded—as if she’d sucker-punched him instead of the other way round.
‘I can’t...say the same to you.’
Of course he couldn’t. It was the cruellest moment of her life—when she was so close, but so far from the one thing she really wanted.
‘It’s not you—’
‘Don’t.’ She held up her hand.
‘I can’t offer that to anyone, Hester.’ He overrode her furiously. ‘I never have, never will. It’s not in my make-up.’
‘That’s such a cop-out. Why? You’re that afraid?’
‘It’s not about being afraid,’ he snapped. ‘I just wanted—’
‘What? To make me feel better? To make me feel safe?’
He glared at her. ‘And what is so wrong with that?’
‘I don’t need you to keep me safe. I don’t need you to feel secure in my life. I just stood up to the worst people ever...and I didn’t need you there to do that.’
He swallowed.
‘I can do more than survive now, Alek. I can fight for what I want. The irony is that’s because of you.’ She shook her head. ‘You’ve made me feel like I can.’
He didn’t love her. He wanted her, yes, but that wasn’t enough.
‘And what I want—what I really want—is everything, “all that” and more with you. But because you don’t feel that deeply for me, you can’t understand that you’re hurting me without even realising it. That? That you couldn’t see that? You might be happy to live such a superficial, safe existence, Alek, but I’m not.’
‘You think I’m shallow?’
‘I’d hoped you weren’t. You’re good to your sister. I get that you’re trying to be good to me. You don’t understand how heartless it really is.’
‘Heartless?’ He scowled and his control began to slip. ‘Would you rather I lied to you?’
‘Of course not.’
He was angry. ‘Are you going to run away because I can’t give you what you want?’
‘No. I only run away from abuse, and I know you won’t hurt me more now. I made a commitment to you and I won’t renege on our contract. But we go back to business.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘I won’t sleep with you any more.’
‘No more kissing? No more touching? You really think that’s possible?’
He looked so disbelieving it was insulting.
‘It’s the only way I will stay for the duration until our divorce.’
‘You’ll need to lock the door, Hester. But not from me.’
‘I know I will. But I’ll lock the door and I’ll throw away the key.’
‘If it’s going to be that much of a challenge, then why fight it? Why not just accept that we’re good together, Hester? There’s no real reason why that can’t last.’
But it wasn’t enough for her. She’d told him how she really felt and he still didn’t understand.
‘You’re really not used to not getting your own way, are you?’ She gaped at him. ‘Listen to me, Alek. I want more. And I’m worth more. And I will never settle for the little you’re offering.’
She fled from the room, slamming the door behind her before she stared at him too long and surrendered everything regardless.
Almost all her life she’d not had it all. She’d not felt secure and cared for. She’d not felt safe enough to care for others too. He’d opened her up. She’d allowed herself to fall for someone. To love.
But she wanted to be loved in return. Loved the way other people were. She knew she’d shut down and hidden away, but she’d not realised how entrenched her defensiveness had become. She’d forgotten that she actually had things to offer people. Alek had reminded her. And made her believe she was beautiful. She could open up and share in joy and pleasure. She could engage with people beyond a quick moment in which to help someone in some superficial way. He’d made her feel warmth again—from companionship and closeness and, above all, humour. He’d changed her.
But while she’d changed him—it wasn’t in the same way. The adjustment to his offer wasn’t enough. And it hurt more than anything.
CHAPTER TWELVE
HESTER STARED AT her reflection, barely recognising the sleek, stylish woman in the mirror as herself. This coronation was more important than their wedding. It was the reason for the wedding—so Alek could fulfil the duty conferred on him from birth.
This was what he’d wanted and truthfully it was all he’d wanted. Their affair had been a mere cherry on his already massive cake. No doubt he’d have plenty more cherries in the future.
He might’ve thought they’d make a good team but it would never last. Because what he’d offered wouldn’t be enough for her. She’d be hurt more and more and more knowing that she loved him in a way he would never return. When she’d had so little for so long, she couldn’t do that to herself.
The teardrop diamond necklace that had been sent to her room earlier hung like an icy noose around her neck, reminding her of the heartbreak she faced. A year was an interminable amount of time. She wished he’d see that there was no need for them to wait that long. But she’d promised him she’d stay. In public, she’d hold her head high and play her part. Thankfully the palace was large enough for her to avoid him at all other times. She would run away to her apartment and survive. Eventually she’d return to the States—or maybe somewhere else entirely. Then she’d start again. She just had to get through this coronation today.
All the years of hiding her emotions were going to stand her in good stead. It was the only way she was going to get through this and do her job. Because that was her one thing—she was damn good at her job.
It was worse than if she’d run away. She was still present, still doing everything he’d initially asked, but she’d become like a will-o’-the-wisp around the palace. He heard her footsteps but never spoke to her. Caught her scent but never saw her. She was incredibly skilled at making herself invisible. Because she knew what she had to do to survive—and for her that meant not seeing him.
That hurt.
And how badly he wanted to see her hurt too. When he was with her, he felt good. She’d slipped under his skin and exposed old wounds to sunlight. It had hurt, tearing off those crusted wrappers. But the salve was Hester herself.
He’d not given anyone real meaning in his life in a long time because it hadn’t been a risk he’d been prepared to take. He hadn’t even realised how hurt he’d been. He’d not seen the truth. He’d accused her of being prickly and defensive when he was the one holding back. He’d thought he was whole and happy. But he’d been a heartless coward.
But she’d asked him what his dreams were. No one had asked him that, ever, he didn’t think. And he hadn’t thought he had any. Until now. She’d ignited new dreams, enabling him to imagine beyond merely passing personal pleasure. She’d made him realise the emptiness in his life that he’d have denied he felt only a few short weeks ago.
She’d wakened within him the possibility of a future that
held more than duty. The prospect of private happiness—of laughter and fulfilment for himself. He wanted—ached—to inspire that in her. He wanted to be the one she dreamed about in the way he dreamed about her. He actually wanted this marriage—with her. And children—with her. He wanted to be the father he’d not had—one who was there. One who listened.
She made him want everything he’d deluded himself into believing he dreaded—one woman. Children. Love.
He’d been so wrong about her. He’d thought her shy—she wasn’t shy; biddable—where she was intractable, and dutiful—when she could be so defiant it made his blood sing. He’d been unable to admit how much she’d come to mean to him—not to himself. Not to her. Which mean she was right and he was a coward. It took strength to leave a situation, to speak up for what you wanted. He’d been weak in offering less than what either of them wanted or deserved. And in not opening up properly—in not allowing himself to be vulnerable the way she had—he’d hurt her. And he couldn’t stand to know that.
The solution had dawned on him early this morning—after another long, sleepless, heart-searching night.
Now, as she slowly made her approach towards him in front of millions again, he realised she’d retreated further behind her walls than ever before.
Her ball gown was of epic proportions—it was the colour of the ocean surrounding the islands while the scarlet regal sash crossed her breast. This time her hair was swept up high. Long silk gloves hid, not just her fingers, but her wrists, right to her elbows. It was impenetrable armour.
But while her face was beautifully made up, he saw through to the emotion-ravaged pallor beneath. He saw the tearful torment in her eyes for that snippet of a second before she looked to the floor again. She was so formal. So correct. So dutiful. And he hated it.
Shy Queen In The Royal Spotlight (Once Upon a Temptation, Book 3) Page 16
