Deeper We Fall

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  I called Mrs. Davis every day to get updates on Lexie, and she was making progress. They upped her medication and effectively turned her into a doped-up robot. At least she couldn’t hurt herself.

  The days turned into weeks, and Halloween was upon us.

  I’d been hard at work on my Jane Austen costume, staying up late until my eyes were burning so I could get the damn thing sewed. Trish thought I was insane to hand-sew it. She had a really nice machine in her apartment and was working on her own costume, an absolutely sick Mad Hatter outfit that she was hoping to win a costume contest with.

  “So Zack and I are going to the Kappa Sigma party, and you can come, if you want,” Katie said a week before Halloween. Will, Simon and I had just planned on going to the campus party, which would be lame, but none of us had an in on any of the “cool” parties.

  “I think I’ll pass.”

  “Are you sure? It should be a good time.”

  “My costume isn’t really frat party couture.” It covered most of my body, but at least had a little cleavage going on. I’d bought a non-period appropriate bra to go with it because I didn’t have the time to make a corset and I couldn’t afford to buy one.

  Katie smiled in a way I’d come to dread. It meant she was plotting something. I’d come to know her better, and this was my least favorite of her faces.

  “Well, I just may have a solution to that problem.” She dashed back to her closet and came back with a box.

  “I may or may not have bought you a little something.”

  “What for?”

  She laughed.

  “For putting up with me. For not kicking me out. Maybe for that night that I ended up kicking you out. I’m still sorry about that.”

  We’d had an awkward conversation afterward, and Katie had agreed to take her carnal activities with Zack elsewhere. She also agreed not to drink that much again, but I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to keep that promise, especially considering we were considering going to a frat party.

  “Go on, it won’t bite.” I opened the box and pushed back some tissue paper to find something silky and red. I crossed my fingers, hoping it wasn’t lingerie. I pulled it out and found a fire engine red 1940s style form-hugging, wide-strapped dress.

  “I thought it could be part of your new wardrobe.” She’d been subtly sending me hints about the supposed makeover, including sending me emails with pictures and buy links for things she thought I should get.

  “It’s gorgeous,” I said, because it was. Silky and sexy and made for someone who wasn’t me. “There’s no way I can wear this.”

  “Why not? It’s just a dress, Lot.” Katie had glommed onto the nickname of my nickname. “Will you at least try it on?”

  “How much did you pay for it?”

  “I got in on sale. Will you please just try it on?”

  “Fine, fine.” I started to take my jeans off, but Katie stopped me.

  “Wait, I want to get the full effect of the before and after.” Katie turned her back and I slipped the dress on, after taking off my T-shirt and jeans. I wasn’t wearing the right underwear with it. This thing was going to require a thong and a strapless bra.

  The zipper was on the side, so I was able to do it myself.

  I smoothed down the rich red fabric and told Katie she could turn around. She didn’t say anything at first.

  “How bad is it?” She was blocking the mirror.

  “Turn,” she said, twirling her finger, and cocking her head to the side, as if I was a mannequin she was studying.

  I turned slow so she could check out the full effect.

  “Come here,” she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the full-length mirror that was propped in her closet.

  “I think the two words to describe this look are ‘hot’ and ‘damn.’ You look amazing.”

  I turned to the side and back. Somehow the dress had pulled in at my waist, giving me an hourglass figure, and making my somewhat hippy body look proportional. It also made my boobs look much boobier than they really were. Stopping just short of my knees, it made the rest of my legs look longer than they really were, too.

  “This is a magical dress,” I said.

  “If you didn’t have the raw material, it wouldn’t work. I also had your measurements, so I could fit it right. They were written in your sewing notebook.” I had them written down in a little book I took with me when I shopped for patterns so I could always buy the right one. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

  I checked out how flat my stomach was and tried to be pissed. I didn’t try very hard.

  “So will you wear it and come?” I couldn’t really accept the dress without having a place to wear it. Maybe a frat party wouldn’t be so bad. I’d have to bring someone else. Maybe Will or Simon, or even Trish. Someone as a buffer. Someone I could escape with if I had to.

  “As long as I get to bring someone.”

  She played with the straps, adjusting them so they sat perfectly on my shoulders. “Zan isn’t coming, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know I’m not supposed to mention his name, but I just wanted you to know he won’t be there. In case you were worried.”

  I hadn’t considered it until she mentioned his name. I’d been that good at keeping him out of my brain.

  “So now I’m not going to talk about him, but how damn gorgeous you look. Would you let me do your makeup? I have red lipstick that would look amazing, and we can do a smoky eye –” I cut her off before she could go much further.

  “Sure, why not? I just have one question. Who am I supposed to be?”

  She grinned again, as if she’d been waiting for me to ask. “I was thinking you could either get some white gloves and do Jessica Rabbit, or be really daring and do Marilyn. You’ve got the hair and the skin to do Marilyn, you bitch.” The last part was said in a playful tone.

  “Are you kidding? I’d kill for your skin tone. Or at least severely injure someone.”

  “I’d kill for your figure in that dress.”

  I just gave her a look.

  “Thanks for the dress,” I said. “Really.”

  “You’re so totally welcome. I meant what I said about the makeover. Anytime, anywhere and you’re on. I’ll have to practice with your hair before Halloween so we get it right.” She started messing with my hair and twisting it around her fingers and talking about curlers and mousse and such. I just let her.

  I’d become a human Barbie doll.

  “Okay, take it off. We don’t want anything to happen to it.”

  I slid the dress off, and pulled my regular clothes back on while Katie wrapped the dress back up in the garment bag and put it on a hanger in my closet.

  “What are you going as?”

  “Zack and I are doing this whole vintage gangster thing. It’s really an excuse to get him to wear a fedora. I love guys who wear hats.”

  Talking about guys in hats made me think of him and his newsboy cap.

  Katie interrupted my thoughts. “We’re doing dinner tonight, yes? Zack’s got this training thing he has to go to.”

  “As far as I know.” Katie had joined our dinner crowd, when she wasn’t with Zack. I wanted to ask why she didn’t eat with her friends, but it seemed like a touchy subject. I’d seen less and less of them lately, and her pictures had been gradually disappearing from her wall.

  Katie and I walked down to get Will and Simon. He’d abandoned his initial attraction to her after she said she’d never seen Star Wars, so they’d turned into sort-of friends.

  I ignored the door beside Will’s. It was so odd that I’d bumped into him so much those first few weeks, but I’d barely seen him since. Except in class, which we couldn’t help. He tried to sit as far from Will and me as possible, but sometimes the only seat was a few rows away. He kept his eyes to himself and didn’t even glance over.

  “You ready to go?” I said to Will when he opened the door.

  “Yeah. We’re Simon-less again.”

  “Typical
.”

  “Is Aud coming?” Will said.

  “Think so.”

  Audrey and Will were still dancing on eggshells around each other. I was at the point where I just wanted to lock them in a closet for several hours so they’d just realize they were perfect for one another, but I’d probably get in trouble for that.

  They’d thank me after, though.

  We walked one building over to grab Audrey. I made Will do the door knocking.

  “Hey girl,” I said. “You coming to dinner?”

  She grabbed her coat and gloves. “Yeah, sure. I have to make it quick. I’m behind on this stupid project.”

  “Are you sure you’re actually behind?”

  “Yes, I am actually behind.” Audrey set these crazy deadlines for herself and claimed she was ‘behind’ if she missed one of them, but she always had the paper or project done ages before anyone else.

  “She loved the dress,” Katie said as Audrey got her coat.

  “You knew about the dress?” Katie and Audrey had somehow, inexplicably, become friends. I was still puzzling over that one.

  “Of course. She helped pick it out,” Katie said.

  “Hey, Aud,” Will said, falling into step with her as I walked next to Katie.

  “Hey,” she said softly. The nickname never failed to make her blush just a tiny bit.

  “She loved it, so this means you have to come to the party,” Katie said, pouting at Audrey. “Please?”

  She shook her head and put her hands up, as if to halt Katie’s line of “I can’t. I have a huge project. Otherwise I would.”

  “You are so full of crap.” Katie skipped ahead and held the door for all of us.

  “What party?” Will said to Audrey.

  Katie was the one who answered, now skipping along the sidewalk. “Halloween party at Kappa Sigma. You in? All you need is a costume.”

  Will thought about it for a second. “I’ve got my Jedi outfit from last year.”

  I grabbed his arm and made him stop walking. “You are not wearing that in public. Again.”

  He pulled his arm away. “I didn’t spend all that money on a lightsaber replica just to keep it in the case.”

  “You have a lightsaber?” Audrey said.

  Will gave her his girl-melting smile. Finally, he was on his game. “Yeah. That make me a total geek?”

  She gave him a come hither smile back. “Not if having a complete set of wands does.”

  “You have the wand set? I freaking hate you,” I said.

  “My parents got them for me last Christmas. It was the only thing I wanted.”

  Katie gave me a look, but I just shrugged. I understood. I glanced back at Will and Audrey and they were talking about their shared fangirling and fanboying.

  “Hey Will—” I grabbed Katie’s arm and cut her off, jerking my head to indicate the cozy little conversation I didn’t want disturbed.

  She winked and walked faster, leaving more space in between us and the other two.

  “You should just get them drunk. It would work a lot faster. That’s how Zack got me the first time. It was in the back of his truck on a tarp. Totally romantic, I know.”

  I’d relaxed my ‘no talking about Zack’ restriction, so she talked more about their relationship. It was kind of impossible for her not to talk about him. I just pretended he was some other guy I hadn’t met named Zack and I was able to listen without throwing up in my mouth.

  “If nothing happens by Christmas, I’m locking them in a closet together,” I said.

  “Good plan.”

  As if Katie’s mention of his name had conjured him up, he was sitting alone in the dining hall when we got there. We were having an early dinner, so it was relatively empty.

  “Does he have any friends?” Will asked Katie.

  “Not really,” Katie said, giving him a quick glance. She was always super weird when she saw him, and I didn’t know if it had to do with me, or with Zack, or with something else. I’d never asked.

  I’d been able to control a lot of my verbal outbursts lately. Will said it had something to do with growing up. I wasn’t convinced that was it.

  We sat at a table on the other side of the dining hall, and I knew it was just because of me.

  “What’s the verdict on the Halloween party?” Katie said. “Are you in?” She pointed her finger at Will.

  “Yeah, I’m in. Someone has to keep this girl in line,” he said, jabbing his thumb at me. “You’re not going as Jane Austen to a frat party, are you?”

  “First of all, I was Elizabeth Bennet and second, no. Katie came up with my costume. I’m doing Marilyn.”

  “There isn’t a lot of cleavage involved, is there? I really don’t feel like spending my night fending off drunken morons who are staring at your chest.” He shuddered.

  “You can just vanquish them with your lightsaber. You know, use the force.” I wiggled my fingers in front of his face and he smacked them away.

  His face went red and he glanced at Audrey. “Shut up.”

  “I’m sure I won’t be the most scandalously dressed girl there,” I said.

  “She won’t be,” Katie said. “I can guarantee some of the costumes will have nipple action.”

  Will’s face went redder and his fork clattered to the floor. I was kind of enjoying this. It was a welcome distraction from him.

  “And sooner or later, there will definitely be some vag flashed by more than one girl.” Katie was clearly enjoying this too. If Audrey hadn’t been there, Will would have been laughing and having a good time. But she was, so he squirmed in his seat.

  “Fine, I’ll come,” Audrey said. “I think I’ve got something I can throw together.” She tapped her chin as if she was mentally going through her closet.

  “You going to share, or is it a surprise?” Will said, leaning closer to her.

  “Oh no, I’m not telling. You’ll see.”

  She smirked and I thought Will was going to melt into a puddle on the floor.

  He coughed and went to get a new fork.

  “It’s not really fair to torture him like that,” I said to her.

  “Why not? It’s way too easy.” Katie said.

  “Stop it,” Audrey said. Now who was red-faced?

  Will came back and they looked like a matched pair. Katie smirked at me and I tried not to laugh. We were both barely holding it together when something out of the corner of my eye attracted my attention. He was taking his tray back to the conveyor belt. He kept his eyes forward, but glanced once in my direction at the same time I was watching him and our eyes locked.

  The world halted for a fraction of a second, and then he blinked and looked away. I had to hold onto the table, because it felt as if he’d dragged me forward in that moment.

  “Lot?” Will said.

  “Yeah.” My eyes followed as he walked toward the door.

  “You’re staring at him.”

  “I know,” I said, still watching.

  “Hey!” Will snapped his fingers in front of my face and I stopped watching his back as he left.

  “Are you sure you couldn’t, maybe, talk to him?” Will said, flinching back as if I was going to hit him for saying it.

  “Stop flinching, I’m not going to hit you, idiot.”

  An uncomfortable silence fell over the table, and I finished my salad just for something to do.

  “I’m not saying you should see him, or anything. Just talk to him. I know you miss him,” Will said.

  “I don’t miss him,” I lied.

  Everyone sort of shared a look. They all knew.

  “So do you want to come and get ready with us on Friday night?” Katie said to Audrey.

  “Yeah, that would be great.”

  Zan

  I’d hoped by hunching my shoulders and sitting in the corner, she wouldn’t see me. I ate fast and kept my eyes away from her, but it was no use.

  Our eyes met and for that moment I wanted to say fuck it, walk over, pick her up and ca
rry her to my room, shut the door and kiss her and talk to her and get her naked and let things happen.

  My hands shook as I left. It was time for another run.

  I’d run every day and at least once during the night in the past few weeks. The one night of sleep I’d gotten when she was with me was only a memory. I was even leaner than I’d been when I came to school. I’d been eating less too, so I’d lost a bit of weight. Zack was on me about it, but I ignored him. I didn’t really care all that much.

  Miss Carole was worried about me. She even threatened to come down and yell at me if I didn’t get my act together. I told her my grades were good, and I was going to all my classes, but she could tell I wasn’t doing well in any other area of my life.

  I had enough cash stored up from summers of mowing lawns and odd jobs to get me through school, but I was considering a job, just to fill up some more of my time.

  When I got back from yet another run in the dark, I went right to the shower. Bruises covered my body from my falls, and I had yet to get all the splinters out of my hands. It’s kind of hard to remove your own hand splinters.

  I was just putting on Pink Floyd when there was a knock at the door. Figuring it was Zack, I opened it without looking through the peephole.

  “Hi.” Charlotte stood in the hallway, twisting her hands together and making sure her eyes were on anything but my face.

  “Hey.” It was the best I could come up with as a response. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m not exactly sure. I just… I wanted to apologize for freaking out and giving you the silent treatment, um, up until now. I realize that ignoring you is kind of a stupid thing to do, because you’re here and I can’t really transfer schools for something this stupid. So. Here I am, saying that I’m not going to ignore you anymore. I don’t think I can go back to what happened before, with, the kissing and all that, but I think we could try maybe being friends. Or something. What do you think?” She’d blinked those sexy blue eyes about a million times during her little speech. I could tell she’d rehearsed it on the way down the stairs.

  “I think that I miss you, too,” I said.

  I smiled.

  “I didn’t say I missed you.” Her eyes traveled up to meet mine. Finally.