by Kevin Kruse
The Zulu greeting, “Sawubona” means “I see you” and the response “Ngikhona” means “I am here.” As always when translating from one language to another, crucial subtleties are lost. Inherent in the Zulu greeting and our grateful response, is the sense that until you saw me, I didn’t exist. By recognizing me, you brought me into existence. A Zulu folk saying clarifies this, “Umuntu ngumuntu nagabantu,” meaning “A person is a person because of other people” (de Jager 2003).
This concept was actually used in James Cameron’s movie Avatar. On the alien world of Pandora, the Na’vi species say “I see you” as a greeting with a deeper meaning. Similar to the Zulu tradition, Cameron has described the greeting as expressing “that we are all connected to each other as human beings” (Oprah.com 2010).
If you’re thinking, I show them I care when I hand them their paycheck, I get it. I used to be the guy that walked past everyone in the hallway without acknowledging them. It wasn’t because I didn’t care; it wasn’t because I thought I was better than them. It was because I was a type A driver who was late for my next call, my next meeting, and my next deadline. I was just inside my own head thinking about work. I figured, I already said hello on Monday of this week, why do I need to say it over again?
While saying hello in the hallway wasn’t important to me, I’ve learned acknowledgments are vital to others. I now consider making eye contact and giving a smile when I pass people by as a small part of leading with love. The eye contact is the key. It’s a moment in time when you are connecting with a team member. There is no doubt about it. It may not be verbal, but you are saying, “I see you.”
THE LITTLE THINGS
I can picture her clearly. Boca Raton, Florida, hotel ballroom. I was giving a speech to a few hundred HR professionals. She was waving her arm back like she was trying to hail a cab. I had asked a string of questions, “Think about the worst boss you ever had. What did she do that made her so bad? What didn’t he do that made him so bad?” The question was meant to be rhetorical. But there she was (standing now!) waving her arm. I had no choice but to call on her.
“He didn’t know my kids’ names.”
At first I wasn’t sure I heard her right. Her kids’ names? “Can you say that again?” I asked.
“I worked for him for ten years, and he didn’t even know the names of my children.”
And the audience supported her with vigorous applause. In fact, she got more applause than I did at the end of my speech!
Since that day I’ve looked into this issue and it comes up quite a bit. In my own research and in discussions with numerous executive coaches, I’ve come to learn that common complaints about bosses are: They don’t know the name of my spouse, or my children. They don’t know that I’m taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s. They don’t know that I ran a marathon.
Some people have the misconception that loving your employees is about baring your soul, and letting them cry on your shoulder, or doing trust falls. It’s not. People are looking for signs that you know they exist, that they matter, and that you care. It’s the little things each day, or each week. Things like:
On Friday do you ask team members what they have planned for the weekend?
On Monday morning do you ask them how their weekend was? (Bonus points if you ask specifically about the things they told you on Friday.)
Do you know the names of their spouse and children?
Do you know if they have any special hobbies or activities they enjoy?
What type of movies do they enjoy? What kind of books do they enjoy?
Do you acknowledge their birthdays? Their work anniversaries?
SHAPE THEIR FUTURE
Another easy way to show you care about each of your team members is to hold one-on-one career-path meetings at least every six months. In my previous books I’ve described how growth, recognition, and trust are the three primary drivers of engagement. When it comes to growth, we want to be doing challenging work, learning and advancing in our careers. With your coaching hat on, you can help boost them up the next rung on their career ladder.
Some managers are reluctant to fully embrace the development and career progression of their team members because they are afraid of losing them. And indeed, it’s easier than ever before to leave one company and join another. People think it’s a generational thing, but it’s not. It’s just that all the friction has gone out of the process. You can start your own company in a day for a few dollars. It doesn’t even seem weird anymore if you work from home. Instead of reading through the weekly Help Wanted section of your local newspaper, you can type in specific search terms and scour thousands of jobs around the world. And headhunters flip it around and can find you easily, too.
When I interviewed executive coach and author of Fiercely Loyal, Dov Baron, he explained the ironic truth, especially if you want to retain millennials. He told me, “Don’t allow them to get bored. Millennials love to learn.” You will actually keep your talented people longer, the longer you get them ready for their next step. And what was Baron’s reaction when his top employee did leave him? Baron said, “When he left us at five years, he opened a company and we were his first customer” (Baron 2017).
When you hold career-path meetings with your direct reports, they don’t have to be an official HR-driven event. Rather, grab a cup of coffee or go out for pizza and have an informal conversation. “Aanya, it’s been a while since we chatted about your career goals. Do you still want to be a…” Topics to ask about could include:
Where would you like to be in one year, three years, five years…?
Do you think you accomplish the goals in this organization? Why or why not?
What do you need to learn to achieve your goals?
Who do you need to know to achieve your goals?
What experiences do you need to have to achieve your goals?
WAYS TO EXPRESS LOVE
When it comes to love—whether at work or in your personal life—a helpful concept is to realize and remember that people can express and receive love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages (Chapman 2015), believes that love can be expressed as:
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
favors
physical touch
He also believes that while we all express and receive all these forms of love, most of us have a preferred or dominant style.
I don’t really know if there are five love languages or ten or only four, but I think the concept is very important. Different people express love in different ways. How much angst from childhood issues would vanish if people understood this concept? My own father didn’t often say the words I love you. But when I think back on my childhood, I have great memories of him reading to me at bedtime, playing board games with me and my friends, taking me to the batting cages in a hopeless attempt to reduce the odds of me striking out; and I still treasure the Swiss army knife and the autographed baseball that he gave me over thirty years ago. All these things are expressions of love.
When it comes to words of affirmation, compliments and thank-yous are powerful, easy to implement, and low cost. In the last hour alone, I said “Great catch!” to Tara when she found and fixed an error I made in a document, and I sent a message to Vania saying, “Hey, nice webinar graphic for LinkedIn!” These are sincere. When it comes to positive feedback, I follow the TSA motto, “If you see something, say something.”
The research on gratitude at work is quite shocking. In a study funded by the John Templeton Foundation, 81 percent of respondents said they’d work harder if their manager was more grateful. And yet 74 percent of these same people say they never ex
press gratitude to their boss. While a sincere “thank you” goes a long way to making team members feel cared about and appreciated, a handwritten thank-you note goes even further. Former Campbell’s Soup CEO Doug Conant is legendary for writing ten to twenty thank-you notes every single day; it’s estimated that he sent thirty thousand thank-you notes during his decade at Campbell’s. Everybody keeps those notes from their boss, either tacked up on their cube wall or in a special folder at home.
You might think you’re already spending enough time with your team members, but how often do you do one-on-ones? When was the last time you took someone to lunch just to connect? For your family, when was the last time you went on a date night, or had a Mommy-Daughter day? Quality time can be especially powerful when you skip levels in an organization. Retired Marine Corps general James “Mad Dog” Mattis, currently serving as secretary of defense, is beloved by Marines partly because he spent so much time talking to privates and corporals (often while on the front lines of combat) during his four decades of service.
Love in the form of gifts doesn’t have to be expensive. Random and thoughtful matter more than the cost. What pleases you more, a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day or a spring bouquet just because? As a boss I’ve given gifts of movie tickets, books, restaurant gift cards, days off from work, and unasked-for cups of coffee. And if you really want to make an impact, get an age-appropriate gift for someone’s kid.
Acts of service—doing someone a favor—is another one of Chapman’s love languages. I would actually argue that if you’re leading right, almost everything you do is an act of service. The concept of leadership as service goes back thousands of years, but it was Robert Greenleaf who coined the modern-day term “servant leadership.” It’s a model where we are servants first. We become leaders not out of a desire for power or wealth but rather as an expression of wanting to support those on our teams. More practically, we as leaders can help our colleagues on a tough task, cover their shifts, and keep them informed of important information.
When it comes to physical touch, there is probably no more charged “love language” in the workplace. Too many of us have experienced or witnessed hugs that went on too long or inappropriate and creepy shoulder massages. But we can all feel comfortable with a firm handshake, a high five, or gentle fist bump. And of course at home, go ahead and hug and kiss your kids. The more the better.
THE TAKEAWAY
Too often we withhold our feelings at work due to our own insecurities, or because we were taught that managers need to stay aloof to remain objective. Great leaders know that caring for their people is a secret to activating employee engagement. You don’t have to even like them but you can still love them. People perform better and stay longer when they know you care.
HOW MIGHT YOU APPLY THIS IF YOU’RE A:
MANAGER: Forget about the past; separate liking your colleagues from loving your colleagues. Commit to greeting your team members in the morning and acknowledge them as you pass in the hall. Learn the names of their family members. Hold informal career-path meetings with each of your directs—what are their goals, how might you help them to get there? Catch people doing things right and show your appreciation.
SALES PROFESSIONAL: Do you think your customers and clients want you to care—or even to love—them? I’m sure they don’t expect it, but they sure would like it. If you love them, they’ll trust that you are going to do what’s right by them. You would never recommend something that wasn’t truly in their best interest. How can you show them that you care? Inquire about their kids and outside interests. Instead of giving gifts that are really just advertisements for your company (e.g., logo’d pens and desk calendars), give appropriate gifts that are about them. Ask them about their career plans. If you are the one who helps them to advance, they’ll be certain to make a smooth transition to their replacement, and they may give you new business when they settle into their new role.
SPORTS COACH: You are a seminal figure in the lives of your players. You teach them how to win in sports, and you can teach them how to win in life. Remember the lessons of Wooden, Coughlin, and Herman. You don’t have to like all your players to love them all. What’s going on in your players’ lives off the practice field? The next time your star player makes a mistake say, “I know you feel badly, but what are you going to do next. Are you going to keep that mistake with you, or show everyone out here that you are focused and determined?”
MILITARY OFFICER: What opportunities do you have to “lead from the front”? Perhaps you can cover a junior’s duty or work beside her. Perhaps you can reinforce good safety practices. Do you take a genuine interest in your troops (or sailors, airmen, or marines)? Inquire about family members, asking whether they have what they need. How do you treat even the most junior personnel?
PARENT: While loving our kids comes naturally, often expressing that love does not. It starts easily hugging and kissing our babies and toddlers, but sometimes fades as our kids turn into rebellious teens and on into adulthood. Tell your kids you love them. Even when you don’t like them (they can really be such selfish ungrateful snots, can’t they?), love them. Make a big deal about greeting them each day, whether it’s when they stumble out of bed in the morning or you stumble into the house after a day of work. Catch them doing things right and show your appreciation. Get their favorite snack when they are studying for a big exam. Make sure you know who their best friends are at school. Ask them what they are happiest about and what is stressing them out. Let them know you will always have their back.
INDIVIDUAL: Who do you love? Who are the friends, family members, and colleagues you care about most in life? Think about how you can let them know. Say “thank you” or send a thank-you card to colleagues in the office. Offer to babysit your friends’ kids for a few hours so the couple can have a date night. Send a handwritten card to your minister and let her know how much you enjoyed the sermon this week. Buy some flowers for a neighbor, just because.
6
CROWD YOUR CALENDAR
Hang around with me for even a little while and you’ll see that I’m obsessed with time. On the bottom of my computer monitor—I’m glancing at it as I type this sentence—is a sticker that says “1440.” It’s a constant reminder that there are 1,440 minutes in a day, and once they’re gone, they’re never coming back. Also on my desk is an unusual little clock. Officially called a Time Timer, its red dial spins down the time, a great visual reminder of how many minutes are left in a work sprint. I’m notoriously cheap and not into art but when I sold my last company, I splurged on a painting by Peter Tunney called The Time Is Always Now. It cost me as much as a small automobile. And of course I took a couple years of my life to study the habits of high achievers and wrote a book about their extreme productivity habits.
At first I wasn’t sure I was going to include this chapter in this book. My imaginary critics, always whispering in my head, This isn’t a time-management book. Stay focused! Yet, when I reflect on the most successful leaders, they stand out because of their ability to lead great teams, and to get sh*t done. Am I biased? Perhaps. But if you’re a leadership junkie like I am, you can’t help but notice how many great leaders are obsessed with time. You begin to have an ear for it, picking up on unusual phrases they use that reference time or productivity.
GREAT LEADERS FOCUS ON MINUTES
Mike Krzyzewski is one of the greatest basketball coaches of all time. Coach K has led the Duke University Blue Devils men’s basketball team for almost four decades. He’s also been head coach, or assistant coach, to fourteen different USA Basketball teams, which have won ten gold medals. In his book, The Gold Standard: Building a World-Class Team, he shares leadership secrets he used to take individual stars and turn them into a team larger than themselves. The book begins with a section titled, “Team Building in Time and Moments” (emphasis mine). He writes:
When you are given the responsibility of building a
team, you must make time for certain things. Time to form relationships. Time to establish standards. Time to get motivated…Leaders are responsible for ensuring that you spend both the necessary quantity and quality of time to get the job done and for making certain that no time is wasted (Krzyzewski 2010).
Every single one of Coach K’s book chapters begins with the word Time (e.g., “Time to Choose Your People,” “Time to Gain Perspective,” “Time to Form Relationships”). He even concludes his book reminding the reader to take time to celebrate.
Another basketball coaching legend, John Wooden, dedicated an entire chapter in his book Wooden on Leadership to time mastery. He writes,
A leader must be skillful—a master—in using time productively and teaching others to do the same. Your skill in doing this directly impacts on the ability of your organization to compete—even survive…I had a fetish about using time efficiently—not wasting it…carefully plan every minute (Wooden 2005).
Wooden goes on to describe how every minute of every practice is carefully planned out ahead of time. After each practice, he jotted notes about what went well and what could have been improved. He filled reams of notebooks with these notes that went back for years and years. Each new year, he would review the previous year’s schedule—day by day—and then create a new minute-by-minute plan.
