by Evans, A. K.
“I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing,” I admitted.
“Come again?”
“Well, it’s just that I think it’s good that you’re busy. Obviously, that means that you’re good at what you do and you’re catching bad guys. The downside of you being busy means that there are a lot of bad guys out there. That doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.”
Cruz’s face softened before he explained, “Not all of our cases involve the really bad guys.”
I rolled my eyes. “There shouldn’t be any if you ask me.”
He chuckled, “Then I’d be out of a job.”
“Point made.”
We arrived back at the coffee shop parking lot, where I directed us to my car. When we were standing next to it, I turned to Cruz and said, “Thanks for walking me back here and for the aloe.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you later, right?”
“One o’clock,” I confirmed.
At that, Cruz opened my door for me and waited while I folded into the car.
“Stay safe,” he urged just before he closed my door.
I smiled up at him as I started my car. It wasn’t until I drove off that I saw Cruz move to head back to the office.
I continued to glance up in the rearview mirror and watch him walk away until he turned the corner out of sight. Then, I spent the next two minutes of my short drive trying to get myself together.
“I never would have guessed you wanted to talk to us about Cruz tonight!” Nikki exclaimed. “I’m so excited.”
I made it through my day and was back at home. Nikki and Elle had arrived not too long ago and I just finished filling them in on the coffee situation from this morning. Nikki was not yet aware of the real reason I asked her to come to my place tonight.
“Calm your jets, sis,” I warned her. “It wasn’t exactly my idea of fun to be burned by scorching hot coffee this morning and then needing to meet Cruz’s mom this afternoon.”
“You met his mom?” Elle asked.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Cruz was particularly concerned about the burns on my chest, but I explained how busy my day was today. He offered to have his mom meet me on her lunch break to check me out. I was in a lot of pain and didn’t want to let the burns go untreated if they weren’t just superficial, so I agreed.”
And I was grateful that I did. Cruz’s mom was a wonderful woman. She was incredibly professional and I felt at ease having her check out my burns. Thankfully, she didn’t have any bad news to report. In fact, she beamed, “It’s good to know my son listened to me when he was younger. Treating the burns the way he did right away helped tremendously.”
Ultimately, she gave me some instructions on how to best care for the burns and gave me her number to contact her if I had any questions.
“Well, this all happened today and you called last night, so what’s going on?” Nikki wondered.
I took in a deep breath and let it out before I shared, “Elle and I had a brunch meeting yesterday morning at Colvert’s. Cruz stopped in.”
“So this is about Cruz?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It is and it isn’t. Elle was just as excited yesterday morning at the prospect of something happening between Cruz and me as you are right now. I ended up sharing some information with her that I want to share with you.”
“Ok.”
Looking to Elle, I found a comforting face with encouraging eyes.
“Four years ago, back when I was in college, I was raped.”
“Oh, babe. Are you ok?”
I offered a face that I hoped conveyed the truth. I wasn’t a hundred percent, but I was getting there. “I’m working on it.”
“I’m going to guess because you asked me not to mention anything to Luke that your family doesn’t know. Please tell me you haven’t been dealing with this on your own for the last four years.”
“Shortly after it happened, I started seeing a therapist. Up until yesterday when I told Elle, my therapist was the only person who knew.”
“I feel awful,” Nikki went on. “I should have known. The signs were there months ago.”
My head jerked back. “What do you mean?”
“At Thanksgiving when I first met the rest of your family. I remember your dad talking to you and I knew I recognized the look on your face. I had been talking about how I grew up right by the beach and you said something about wishing you could have lived close to the beach. That’s when your dad stated how he was glad you didn’t because you’d have been in a bikini all the time and that he’d always have to worry about you as a result. I saw the look on your face when he talked about how too many men think that what a woman wears is an invitation for them to do whatever they want. At the time I couldn’t place it, but now I know. I’ve seen the same look before…on Emme.”
Emme was Cruz’s sister-in-law and one of Nikki’s best friends. I never even considered the fact that Nikki would have been such a good person to talk to not only because I trusted her, but also because she had been there for Emme throughout her ordeal with her abusive ex-boyfriend.
“Please don’t feel bad about not knowing, Nikki. I’m telling you now because I’m ready. I’ve done a lot of healing on my own over the last couple of years, but now I’m ready for the next step. It’s different for everyone. For me, the next step is finding a way to trust and be vulnerable again because I don’t want this controlling my life anymore.”
I then went on to tell them what happened to me. I gave them details and explained how it happened. I knew it wasn’t easy for them to hear, but it was oddly refreshing for me to get it out. I was surprised to get through it all without breaking down too badly.
“Lexi, love, you know we will both help you any way that we can. I don’t want to be insensitive to your needs, so I need you to tell me what I can do.”
“Thank you, Elle. I just need to know that if I’m having a particularly bad day that I’ve got someone I can call. Ever since it happened I had many times where I wanted to call someone just to talk, but I didn’t have that. I only had my therapist because that’s what I chose. I want that to change, but I don’t want you to pity me.”
“Are you kidding?” she started. “I admire you. That’s something I’ve done since before I knew about this. Now that I know this, I admire you even more. I’m in awe of your strength and determination to not let it control your life. Gosh, I’m simply heartbroken and feel awful that I pushed you about Cruz. Knowing what you endured at the hands of someone you were interested in is just terrible.”
“Well, that’s one of the predicaments I’m in right now,” I confessed. “It should come as no surprise that I’ve not been attracted or even remotely interested in guys over the last few years. Mostly, I find that I’m tense and nervous around them. I’m very untrusting and it’s been the reason that I’ve made sure to only work with female clients. But Logan called me yesterday and said he had a client that needed my help. It was a man, but I couldn’t turn it down or Logan would know that something was wrong.”
“Do you want to tell them?” Nikki asked.
I thought on it a moment. I did. I wanted to tell my family, but I couldn’t get over knowing that I’d completely devastate them when I did.
“I want to, but I’m worried about how they’ll react.”
Without any hesitation, Nikki insisted, “If you’re worried that they won’t believe you, Lexi, you’re wrong.”
I shook my head as I spoke. “It’s not that. It’s going to hit them hard and I don’t want to bring that disappointment to them.
“Your family loves you. They’d never be disappointed in you,” Elle chimed in. “Why would you think that?”
My worried gaze settled on my friends. Their faces mirrored my own.
When I answered, my voice was quiet. “I never fought back.”
That did it. I’d gotten through telling them about what happened, but as soon as I took a minute to think about how my family would feel when they foun
d out, I lost my composure. I broke down into tears and immediately felt Nikki engulf me in her arms. She held me tight while I cried and, since I hadn’t had the comfort of a loving embrace during a breakdown like this for years, I took full advantage.
Between Nikki’s fierce hold on me and Elle’s soothing voice, I eventually calmed down.
“Whenever you’re ready to tell them, we’ll be there for you. If you want us there when you tell your family, all you need to do is ask,” Elle offered.
“Thanks, girls. I need some time before I do that. Besides, my schedule is a bit crazy right now considering I took on this new client.”
“Is this the guy Logan referred to you?” Nikki asked.
I nodded. “I thought the issue was going to be that it was a man that I’d be working with, but I never expected the project to be what set me on edge.”
“What is it?”
“A rape crisis center.”
“Lexi…” Nikki trailed off.
Before she had the opportunity to continue, I interjected, “I know, Nik. I initially turned it down, but Logan was standing there and told me I needed to think about how many people I could help by doing it. That right there is another reason I know he’s going to be devastated when he finds out the truth. Aside from that, he’s right. I’ve talked with my therapist about it and I’ve really taken the time to consider it. Ultimately, I think this will be good for me.”
“You’ve got to do whatever it is that you feel is going to help you heal,” Elle started. “I’m so proud of you. This is one hell of a way to fight back.”
“That’s how I see it, too. I know I didn’t physically fight back then, but if I can help other people who experience sexual assault, it makes me feel like I’m finally fighting.”
The girls agreed with me and, to give me a bit of a reprieve from all the heavy talk, we moved our conversation to the things going on in each of their lives. While they mixed in things unrelated to their love lives, they ultimately both made their way there.
Nikki went on and on about Luke, but thankfully spared me details about their sex life. I was happy for her and Luke, but there was no way a sister would want to hear any of that about her brother. Elle talked about Levi and where things were headed with the two of them. In both cases, I realized that each of them had experienced something heartbreaking. They had good men by their sides to see them through that heartache. Luke helped Nikki heal years afterward, while Levi was there for Elle throughout her entire ordeal.
Hearing them talk about their relationships was a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, I was overjoyed that they’d each managed to find a fulfilling relationship regardless of any obstacles they faced. But on the other side of it, it made me feel a bit despondent.
The fact that I was making strides in all areas of my life was evident. I had graduated from college at the top of my class. I was determined to have my own public relations agency and was already feeling successful with some of my current clientele. With the help of my therapist, I finally got to a place where I trusted enough in my own strength to share what I experienced. I also knew that even though telling members of my family would be devastating, I would ultimately get through it. For the first time since starting my career, I was taking on a male client that I didn’t personally know. In doing that, I was also making progress in my own recovery by helping an organization find funding to be able to offer resources and support to women who were survivors of sexual assault.
Despite all that, there was that one thing that was now blazing in bright neon letters in the front of my mind.
A relationship.
A romantic relationship.
I hadn’t considered the possibility of one in years because I wasn’t ready and I certainly wasn’t looking.
Now there was a complication. There was Cruz.
And something was so completely different for me now. I was stuck.
Being stuck and with two girls I trusted to see me through, I blurted, “I don’t think I know how to have a romantic relationship.”
“What?” Elle asked.
“I haven’t dated anyone since the rape and I don’t trust easily.”
“Ok, we can handle this,” Nikki started. “First, do you feel that you are ready to start dating?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not sure. I know that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.”
“That’s good. So, is there a reason you just came out with this now? Like, let’s say, something that might have to do with Cruz?” she hinted her suspicion.
Visions of his handsome face popped into my head. His concerned looks and his gentle touch early today filtered through my mind. I felt a smile tugging at my lips.
“Oh yeah,” Elle piped up. “Judging by that look, it definitely has something to do with Cruz.”
“He scares me,” I admitted.
“Cruz is not someone you should be afraid of, babe.”
“Not like that. He scares me because I don’t feel around him the way I feel around other men I don’t know. Typically, I’m overcome with such horrible anxiety that there’s no room for anything else. But it’s different with Cruz. It’s like I’m stuck between feeling some uneasiness and being completely drawn to him. I’ve been wondering if that apprehension is a result of what I’ve been through or if it’s typical girl-likes-boy jitters. I would have probably gone with the second option, but there was an incident today that makes me think it’s more about the rape.”
“What incident?”
I went on to tell them about how I felt when Cruz was tending to my burns. I explained how he asked my permission to put the cloth on me, but when he went to apply the aloe I nearly lost it.
“My guess is that it’s a combination of both, Lexi,” Nikki declared. “Obviously, I think it’d be normal to feel scared about what your first sexual experience would be following the rape. And I’m not just referring to the act of sex. Cruz touching your throat and the top of your chest, even if it was only to apply the aloe, when you haven’t been touched by a man in years would make anyone fret. On the other hand, when you feel attracted to someone and they touch you, that’s bound to cause all types of sensations and feelings. I’ll spare you the details, but I remember what it was like the first time Luke touched me.”
“Me, too…with Levi,” Elle sighed dreamily. “Have you considered what you would want to see happen if you took the step to put yourself out there again?”
“Not completely,” I said. “I do know that I’d need to go slow and that I’d like to develop a friendship first. I have to trust that person before I could ever take any steps.”
“Do you think Cruz is someone you could trust?”
“I think he’s someone I’d like to try and see if I could trust.”
Big, bright smiles spread across their faces. Hearing this made them happy. I had to acknowledge it felt good to hear myself admit it. Even still, I was weary.
“Don’t set yourselves up for heartbreak,” I cautioned them. “I’m not sure this would even work out. I mean, I know Cruz expressed interest in me a couple months ago and again today, but this would be a long road. I don’t know how it’ll play out for me until I’m in it, but my guess is that it’s not for the faint of heart.”
“Lexi, you might not know the whole story about what happened to Emme, but Cruz was the one who found her in that basement. He took care of her until Zane got there. He’s seen a lot, babe. I’m certain if he’s interested in you, this isn’t going to scare him away.”
“One day at a time, love,” Elle added. “The Cunningham boys have what it takes to weather any storm. Zane did it for Emme and Levi did it for me. After my situation was resolved, I needed us to just be a couple for a while. Levi didn’t want me to move out, but he didn’t fight me on it because he knew it was what I needed. I think it’s safe to assume Cruz won’t be much unlike his brothers when it comes to giving you what you need.”
“I agree with Elle. Take it one
day at a time and only offer what you can. I’m not telling you that you’ve got to share the rape story with him off the bat, but be clear about your intentions. If you only want to try and be friends, just tell him that. If and when it becomes more than that for you, only you will know what you’ll need to share with him.”
One day at a time. I could do that. It’s what I had been doing for years now.
“I can do that,” I announced proudly.
I made a mental note, not that I needed one, to discuss this newfound feeling with my therapist at my next meeting. I didn’t want to do anything that would reverse any of the progress I’d made.
With that, the girls and I shifted our conversation and spent the rest of the evening on much lighter topics.
When they left that night, I went to bed feeling the best I had in years. I didn’t expect things would get better for me overnight, but I was optimistic. With my decision to fight back against my attacker reaffirmed, I fell asleep dreaming of a future that involved not just a promising and fulfilling career, but also a life filled with family, friends, and a companion with which to share it.
That companion might have looked a little like Cruz Cunningham.
“Send it over right away and I’ll shuffle my caseload around to make this a priority.”
“Appreciate it, Cruz.”
“No problem, Detective. I’ll call you when I’ve got something.”
I disconnected the call and started rearranging my schedule. From a work standpoint, it had been a shit week.
Over the course of the last few weeks, we had been swamped at Cunningham Security. A lot of what we were dealing with were run-of-the-mill P.I. cases, but there were currently two larger cases that were far more serious in nature. Luckily, we had a large team of guys. This meant that we could spread out the smaller cases individually and work collectively on the larger ones.
Sometimes, our larger cases came from unlikely places, such as the Windsor Police Department. Like right now, I’d just gotten off the phone with Detective Baines of the WPD and he was hoping to bring us in on a case. It was going to be one of the larger ones. They’d been working the case for a few weeks and had been hitting dead ends. In fact, it was getting worse. It was a missing person’s case, which isn’t always something that gets slid across the desk of a private eye.
