by Evans, A. K.
“They’re going to be devastated,” I murmured.
“They love you, Lexi. That reaction is completely normal. Allow them to process it and deal with it in a way that they feel is best. And if you or any of them need to speak with someone about it afterward, I’m more than happy to help.”
“Thank you, Dr. Lane. I have one other thing I want to discuss with you,” I informed her.
“Sure.”
“On Friday, I approached the guy I was telling you about last week. We ended up meeting for breakfast on Saturday morning.”
“How did it go?”
My insides warmed and I answered, “Fantastic. It was the best day I’ve had in a really long time.”
“Did you experience any anxiety or panic?”
I shook my head. “Nothing related to fear,” I replied. “I went in determined to have a good time. I even joked with him when I first arrived. I haven’t joked with anyone like that in years. The little anxiety that I did have could be best described as excitement more than anything else. I never felt fearful.”
“That’s great news,” she remarked. “Is there something else you wanted to discuss regarding Saturday morning?”
“I think I like him,” I blurted.
Dr. Lane didn’t respond, but I knew she was happy to hear that.
“A few months ago, he expressed interest in dating me. I wasn’t ready then, but I think I’d like to try now. He’s a really nice guy. I know that my past is going to be an obstacle moving forward in a romantic relationship. I don’t want to put him through all of that and have him deal with my baggage. And I know that I’m attracted to him enough that I want to try to pursue something, but I can’t help wondering if he’ll run as soon as he knows the truth.”
“Lexi, we all have baggage. If the roles were reversed, do you think you’d feel burdened by him telling you about something that he experienced out of his control?”
“Never.”
“Just as we discussed regarding telling your family, the same things apply here. You told two of your friends about what happened and trusted that they could handle what you had to say. And those conversations went well. Trust is an important factor here. You need to trust in yourself to know when the time is right. You also need to trust that you can make a good decision about who to give your trust to when you decide to share this part of your story with them. Once you do, you need to give them the opportunity to take it in while understanding that they may all have a different reaction. When it comes to a romantic relationship, I don’t suggest trying to proceed without being forthcoming about what you’ve experienced. Ultimately, though, it’s up to you to decide when, how much, and with whom you want to share that information.”
“What if I tell Cruz and he decides not to stick around and try to see if there could be something more between us?”
“That might happen. You can’t change how he’ll react any more than he can change what happened to you. All you can do is prepare yourself for all the possible outcomes and hope that you’ll end up experiencing the best of those. And if not, it doesn’t mean you can’t continue to try and trust others with it.”
Dr. Lane gave me a lot to think about, so after a bit more discussion with her, I left and went home. I skipped journaling Monday night because I needed to take time to process my conversation with her. Despite a taxing workout that was a bit longer than usual, I found it difficult to sleep Monday night.
Tuesday was nearly identical to Monday, minus the therapy session. In place of therapy, I did end up with a phone call from Cruz just after dinner.
“Hello,” I greeted him after two rings. I had been holding the phone in my hand after just one ring, but I didn’t want to seem too eager.
“Hey, Lexi,” he replied. “How’s it going?”
“Good. It’s been a productive couple of days, that’s for sure. Catch any bad guys today?” I asked.
“I wish. One case with three guys dedicated solely to it and we’ve not yet caught a single bad guy. We’ve got a couple hours left, so I’m hopeful.”
“You’re still working for a couple more hours?”
“Bad guys don’t take evenings off. Crime isn’t a nine to five job,” he pointed out.
That made sense. “I guess so. That totally sucks, though.”
Cruz laughed. “Yeah, it does. But we haven’t all been working every night. Last night, Lorenzo put in longer hours. Tomorrow, Dom will. Hopefully, we can make some progress and put an end to this one soon.”
“I hope so. It makes me worry,” I said before I even realize it.
“You’re worried about me?”
The shock he felt in my admission was evident and I didn’t know what to say.
I was silent so long, he called, “Lexi?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“You got quiet.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. That kind of slipped out before I could stop it,” I started. To try and recover, I went on, “But the truth is, I’m worried for purely selfish reasons.”
“Oh yeah? What are those reasons?”
“Well, for starters, you’re easy to tease. Add to that the fact that you’re the first person I’ve wanted to joke with in years and I’m not looking to give that up so easily.”
“Princess, I’m easy to joke with because it’s hard not to be happy around someone like you.”
Princess.
“Princess?”
“Sorry. That kind of slipped out before I could stop it,” he apologized, even though I had a feeling he really wasn’t since he repeated the words I’d just spoken to him. “But back to the point I was going to make, I’d be crazy to not let you tease me. Anytime, anywhere, I’m up for you to tease me, Lex. To that end, I’m always careful when I’m working on a case with really bad guys.”
There was no denying the sexual innuendo in Cruz’s words. I didn’t know what to say in response to that, so I didn’t react to it at all.
“Be extra careful tonight,” I advised. Then, to steer the conversation in a different direction, I continued, “Guess what?”
“What?”
“I am moving into my new office tomorrow,” I beamed with excitement. “I can’t wait to be in my very own professional office.”
“Congratulations. Did you get your brothers to agree to help you?” he wondered.
“Yes. They are going to be helping me move everything. They kind of owe me,” I teased.
“Really? What debts are they repaying?”
“Um, I’m only the best sister on the face of the planet. They’re lucky to have me. I’m one-of-a-kind, you know?”
Cruz didn’t respond. I thought we got disconnected and was about to call his name to confirm when he spoke softly, “I don’t doubt that you are.”
Now we were both silent.
Finally, Cruz broke the silence and asked, “So, let’s make a plan to celebrate.”
“Celebrate?”
“Your new office. It’s a huge accomplishment. Are you free this weekend?”
“Elle’s meet-and-greet is on Sunday, so that’s out.”
“What about Saturday? We can go out to dinner.”
“Ok. Dinner on Saturday,” I agreed.
At that, Cruz explained he needed to get back to work. He wished me luck tomorrow and said he’d reach out later in the week once he figured out a place to go. I was looking forward to spending more time with him and couldn’t wait for the weekend to arrive.
For the time being, I needed to set that aside and focus because I had a huge task in front of me today.
My brothers arrived at my apartment early this morning and loaded the things I needed into their two trucks. I didn’t have a lot to move, so the two trucks were perfect and would only require a single trip.
After everything was loaded up, they followed behind me to my new office space. I had just stepped inside and was trying to figure out where to put everything while they carried all of my stuff in.
Four and a half hours later, long after the office furniture had been delivered, I ordered a pizza so the three of us could have lunch together. Luke and Logan managed to get my furniture moved and put where I finally decided I wanted it. They came close to losing their patience a few times because I had them put my desk in one spot and decided I didn’t like it there and wanted it moved. I did the same with the couch and they let their displeasure with me be known. As was always the case, they quickly got over any grievances they had with me and I tried to keep that in mind when we finished our lunch.
“Need anything else moved, sidekick?” Logan asked as he stood from the couch.
Luke and Logan were both big guys, so I gave them the couch while I occupied the chair at my desk.
“No, I think I’m good now. Thanks for helping me today.”
“So proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished, Lexi,” Luke chimed in. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’ve only been out of college for just a year with everything you’ve achieved in the last couple of months.”
I let out an uneasy laugh and confessed, “This almost didn’t happen.”
“What do you mean?” he pressed.
It was now or never. Not technically, but I knew I needed to do this.
“I need to tell you guys something,” I murmured, feeling the nerves and sadness wash over me. The sadness was all because I knew I was about to rip their worlds to shreds.
“Lex,” Logan called. “What’s wrong?”
I took in a deep breath and reminded them, “Do you remember how I switched schools after my freshman year of college?”
They both nodded. The confusion and anticipation in their faces was unmistakable.
“There was a reason I switched schools.”
“Yeah, you said that you wanted to be closer to home. It didn’t make much sense to any of us considering you moved closer, but didn’t spend any more time at home,” Luke pointed out.
“I did want to be closer to home, but there’s a reason for that. That reason has less to do with actually being closer to home and more to do with me needing to leave where I was,” I offered.
“What are you talking about?” Logan questioned me.
I felt my insides trembling and the tears welling up in my eyes. I took in a deep breath to try and calm myself, but it did little to help. I just needed to say it.
“The weekend before the spring semester ended, I was raped.”
“Jesus Christ, Lexi, are you kidding?” Luke clipped.
I shook my head.
The air in the room changed. Thick with tension and fury didn’t even begin to describe it.
I pushed past it and explained, “It was a guy that I knew. We went on a couple of dates. After one of them, he invited me back to his dorm room to watch a movie. I liked him and I never thought I had any reason to be fearful, so I went. We kissed and I enjoyed kissing him. He wanted more and I said no. I said no so many times, but he wouldn’t accept that.”
I stood there watching my brothers and the tension rolling off their bodies. I couldn’t keep it in any longer and lost hold of the last bit of control I had. My body was overcome by sobs. In an instant, I felt Luke’s strong, protective arms wrap around me. I cried in his chest as I heard Logan storm out and slam the door. I jumped at the sound, but Luke just held me tighter.
After a while, he apologized, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. Fuck, Lex. I’m so sorry. Do Mom and Dad know?”
I shook my head.
“All this time you’ve kept this to yourself?”
“I’ve been seeing a therapist since about three weeks after I moved to my apartment years ago. She’s local and she’s been vital to my recovery.”
“That’s it? Just your therapist?”
“Up until a week ago, yes.”
“You’ve carried this by yourself all this time? Lexi, we would have been there for you and done whatever we could to help you heal.”
“I was afraid,” I admitted.
“Of what?”
I looked to the door before bringing my eyes back to Luke. “That you guys would be angry or disappointed with me.”
Luke shook his head, loosened his arms, and reassured me, “He’s not disappointed with you, Lexi. He’s about as angry as I am right now, but it’s not directed at you. Give him a minute to calm down, he’ll be back.”
As if on cue, the front door opened and Logan walked in. There was nothing but pure anguish in his eyes. Nervous about what he was going to say, I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and chewed. Surprisingly, he said nothing.
That is, he said nothing until he walked over, engulfed me in his arms, and squeezed me tight. Then, he spoke and his voice was ragged, “Our sidekick. You’ve always been there for us, and the moment you needed us, we weren’t there for you.”
“You didn’t know, Logan,” I cried with my arms wrapped around his neck.
It took a bit, but when Logan loosened his hold on me, he stepped back, looked me in the eyes, and stated, “That’s where you went.”
“What?”
“You. The Lexi we grew up with. I thought it was just that you were growing up and being responsible, but that wasn’t it. We should have known something wasn’t right when you went from being the goofy prankster to the isolated introvert.”
“I need your help now,” I started before he cut me off.
“Anything, Lexi. Whatever you need,” he insisted.
My eyes went back and forth between my big brothers. “I don’t want to deny you your feelings because I know how important they are, but as soon as you can, I want you to let go of the guilt you have. I’ve carried it long enough for all of us; I don’t want to see you go through it, too.”
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to put my family through that kind of heartache.”
Luke proclaimed, “Lexi, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Someone took advantage of you. And you are our family, not a burden.”
“I didn’t fight back,” I shared.
“What do you mean?”
I looked down at the ground and closed my eyes. When I opened them and looked at my brothers, I explained, “I didn’t fight him when it happened. I laid there and thought about finals and the paper I had due for a class.”
“Your mind did what it had to do to protect you and get you through it,” Luke announced. “If you had fought physically, your attacker could have hurt you even worse.”
“I know,” I started. “I’ve been dealing with that guilt for years now and I understand it, but I just can’t help hearing dad’s voice telling me to always fight.”
“Do you plan to tell them?”
I dipped my chin and answered, “They need to know and I want them to know. I just think I might need you guys there for me when I do.”
“Of course, we will be,” Luke affirmed. “You tell us when.”
“Oh my God,” Logan suddenly exclaimed.
“What?” Luke and I asked in unison.
“Lexi, I’m so sorry. Grant. The crisis center. I pushed you to do it.”
I needed to calm his worries. “Logan, it’s ok. I’m actually looking forward to doing it. It’s my way to fight back. Knowing that I can help other women and girls that have been sexually assaulted is going to help me in my own healing. I was more concerned about working with a man. That’s what had me so hesitant in the beginning. I have a meeting scheduled with him on Thursday and I know I have this office, but I am going to keep my meeting with him at Colvert’s instead of here. I have such a hard time trusting men now. In fact, except for the two of you, Dad, Wes, Stone, Zane, and Cruz, I’m uneasy around men.”
“Cruz?” Luke repeated.
I nodded.
“I’ve seen him around Windsor a few times now at meetings I’ve had at Colvert’s. We had breakfast together on Saturday. We’ve texted back and forth and spoken on the phone a couple tim
es since then. I don’t know what it is, but I feel comfortable around him.”
“Does he know, Lex?” Logan asked gently.
I shook my head. “No. Other than my therapist and the two of you, the only other people who know are Elle and Nikki.”
“Nikki knew?” Luke gasped.
“Luke, don’t be angry with her,” I insisted. “I told her last week and asked her not to tell you. She respected my right to privacy and the fact that I wanted to be the one tell you myself.”
“I know it’s got to be on your time frame, but if you think things are going to get serious between you two at any point, the sooner you tell him, the better,” Logan encouraged me.
“I know, but I’m worried. I really like him and I like the fact that I feel like myself again when I’m around him. He’s the first guy I’ve been interested in since the rape. What if I tell him and he decides he can’t handle it?”
Luke walked over to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, “I can’t speak for Cruz, but I’d like to think I know the kind of man he is. If he likes you, Lexi, this isn’t going to make him walk away.”
I leaned into him and whispered, “I hope you’re right.”
He squeezed my shoulders.
My brothers spent the next two hours with me. It was funny. Prior to me bringing this to their attention, they were ready to walk out the door, but as soon as they knew what happened, I became their priority. I appreciated them more than I’d ever be able to express.
When we finally left the office, Logan followed behind me to my apartment. I tried to tell him it wasn’t necessary, but he insisted and asked that I respected he needed to do it for his own peace of mind. He’d been given a lot of information to digest and process, so I didn’t argue with him.
When I got home, it hit me. Talking about what happened to me wasn’t easy for those hearing it, but it was making me feel so much better to get it out. Sharing it with those I knew loved and cared about me made it easier to breathe. I hated that I brought the devastation to Luke and Logan; but in the end I knew they’d get through it and once we all came out the other side, we’d be even closer. My parents were next, but I had a couple of busy days ahead of me. I needed time to gather my thoughts before I went to them.
