by Evans, A. K.
“Oh, Lexi. Of course I will. And I’d love to get together with you this weekend. Your father will be outside doing yardwork all weekend anyway. How does lunch on Sunday sound?”
I laughed, “That’s perfect. I’ve got to go now, though. Cruz is coming over for dinner tonight, so I need to lock up the office and get home.”
At that, we disconnected and I locked up before I made my way home.
An hour and a half later, Cruz and I had just finished dinner and were cuddled up on the couch.
“I’ve missed you these last couple of days, Captain,” I announced, my head resting on his shoulder.
“Missed you, too,” he returned. “I’m sorry I haven’t had much time lately. This case is consuming so much of my life right now.”
“I know,” I declared. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad and I don’t want you to apologize for working, especially on something so important. I just wanted you to know how much I like being around you.”
Cruz’s arm that was wrapped around me, curling me into his body, squeezed a little tighter. When I looked up at him, he pressed a kiss to my forehead.
I went on, “Nothing new on the case?”
“Nothing that makes me happy or helps us. Two more women are missing. Unfortunately, they weren’t women that were seen at a place where we’ve got a contact helping us. It’s beyond frustrating at this point.”
“Whatever happened with the guy that you said went back to his house after you saved that other girl from being taken? Still nothing?” I wondered.
He shook his head. “I think he’s out of it now. Once whoever is running this found out that one of those guys had been taken in, the ringleader cut the other one loose to be sure.”
With my arm wrapped around his waist, I returned the squeeze he gave me moments ago and lamented, “I’m sorry. I know how hard you’re working to try and bring this case to a close and find those women. I’m proud of you. And I appreciate your willingness to share what you can with me.”
He let out a laugh and noted, “I shouldn’t be sharing anything with you regarding any of my cases. And the truth is that moving forward I probably won’t. But this is something I let slip in the beginning because I was worried about your safety. Since you know about it and I now know everything you’ve been through, it’s important for me to make sure you know the basics of what’s happening. I’m not giving you names or places, but I want you being a little extra cautious until this is solved.”
“I will be.”
“But that’s enough of that for now. You’re safe tonight and I’ve missed you tremendously. I’d rather not spend our time with me having to live in the same frustration I feel while I’m working these days. We have the next two nights in a row to spend time together and I’d like to enjoy that. Don’t forget that tomorrow night we’re at my place.”
“I’d never forget,” I insisted. “But remember I’ll be a little later than usual. Tomorrow is group therapy at WAAR.”
That was the other thing that had become a regular part of my routine over the last few weeks. Aside from becoming an official volunteer at the rape crisis center, I regularly went to group therapy sessions. I went to my second session when I accompanied Riley to her first. Each session, we sat next to each other offering silent support. While I was finding those sessions to be very therapeutic for myself, I couldn’t say they were having the same effect on Riley. I didn’t imagine they were hurting her and truly believed they offered her some comfort, but I knew how raw she felt given how recently she’d been violated. There had been several occasions where she got up in the middle of the session and walked out. The first few times that happened, I walked out behind her to make sure she was doing alright. Some of those times were rough, but she was getting better now. If she got up in the middle of a session now, she would tap me on the shoulder or leg and let me know she needed some air and would return. I always asked if she wanted me to go with her because I didn’t want to smother her. I completely understood her need to be alone sometimes. Either way, I knew the sessions were a place of refuge for her.
“I’d never forget,” Cruz repeated my words.
I leaned forward and kissed Cruz. He slanted his head and deepened the kiss. I took that opportunity to make my move. Parting my lips and allowing his tongue to slip inside my mouth, I moved my hands to the hem of his shirt. I needed to have perfect timing with this, so I was careful not to touch him as I lifted the shirt. Thinking I was progressing things between us, Cruz took over and removed the shirt from his torso. Bringing a hand up to the side of my face, he brought his mouth back down to mine and started kissing me again. That’s when I went in for the kill.
I pressed my ice-cold hands to his sides and immediately felt the muscles underneath my fingers tense.
“Christ, Lexi,” he bit out, pulling his mouth back from mine. “Why the hell are your hands so cold?”
“My hands are always cold,” I explained, as I began moving them across his heated skin. “And you are always so warm. I’ve noticed that about you over the last few weeks. You are like a furnace.”
As my hands moved from his sides, to his back, and around to his abdomen, his hand balled tightly into a fist and his head dropped back. The muscles contracted again under my fingers and his jaw was clenching.
“This is absolute torture, Lex.”
My palms were a bit warmer from having touched his skin, so I flipped my hands over and began drifting them toward the waistband of his jeans. Just as I was about to slip my fingers in and under the elastic band of his boxer briefs, he captured my wrists.
“Not a chance,” he warned. “That would kill me.”
I leaned into him and begged, “Please? Your upper body is warm, but I get the feeling it’s going to be much warmer down there. And you know how cold my hands are. How could you leave me freezing?”
He laughed at my lousy attempt to convince him and promised, “I’d never let you freeze. How about we find another way to warm you up?”
My shoulders sagged. “Alright, fine. But fair warning, my feet get cold from time to time as well.”
“I’ll consider myself warned,” he confirmed.
Then, he slipped one arm behind my back and the other underneath my legs. He stood and carried me to my bedroom and through to the bathroom, where he proceeded to warm me up in the shower.
It was safe to say I didn’t feel cold the rest of the night.
“I love you.”
My voice was soft as I delivered my sentiments with my cheek pressed to Cruz’s chest, my body draped over his. Cruz woke me up this morning, made sweet love to me, and we were now basking in post-orgasm bliss.
I found that post-orgasm bliss typically resulted in me becoming chatty. Mostly, I became sappy and shared all of my feelings for Cruz with Cruz. He doesn’t seem to be the least bit bothered by my need to share, so I continue to do it. I’ve often thought several times over the last few weeks why I did this. All I could come up with was that for so long I hadn’t shared my feelings about anything with anyone other than my therapist and now that I had someone I wanted to share those feelings with, I couldn’t seem to control myself.
“I love you, too,” he said as he gently traced his fingers up and down my spine.
“I never thought I’d have this, Captain. I dreamed of it when I was little, but that went out the window years ago. It never crossed my mind that it would become a reality because I didn’t think I wanted it anymore.”
Continuing to move his hands over the clammy skin on my back, he asked, “When did that change for you?”
“At Monroe’s studio. The first time I saw you. I hadn’t felt an attraction like that to anyone ever. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to have feelings like that again. But as quickly as I felt them, I shut them down because the last time I had feelings for someone…well, you know how that ended. Then, months went by until I saw you at Luke’s that day you came to give them an update on Nikki’s dad. When you
walked me to my car and asked me out I knew how badly I wanted things to change for me.”
One of Cruz’s hands was now in my hair, massaging my scalp.
“And, finally, when I saw you at Colvert’s for the first time. That day was the day that I finally took steps to free myself. I knew I had to stop carrying the burden of my rape on my own. That’s what it was going to take for me to heal, for me to get back to me. It’s what I needed to do to find my way to you.”
“My warrior, you’re so brave. So beautiful, so smart, and so incredibly strong.”
The two of us stayed like that a long time, Cruz tracing his fingertips over my skin while I listened to his heart beat under me. When I knew we’d taken too much time because we both had to get to work, I lifted my head and declared, “I’d really love to stay just like this, but we’ve got to get out of this bed if we’re going to accomplish anything today.”
“I don’t mind changing our plans,” he threw out. “I’ll spend the day with you doing whatever you want to do, even if it’s just staying here in bed holding you.”
He was perfect. Completely perfect for me in every single way.
“We should plan a day like that soon, but not today. Besides, I’m looking forward to staying at your place tonight, which means I really have to get up now because I need to pack a few things I’ll need for tomorrow morning.”
Cruz’s face softened and he gave me a gentle squeeze. “Alright. Can I please have a kiss before you get up?”
Since he asked so nicely I did as he asked. After kissing him, I got up and got ready for work.
An hour and a half later, I was pulling into the parking lot at my office. Before I got there, Cruz and I made our stop at Colvert’s together for coffee and breakfast before we went our separate ways for the day. I loved how comfortable that small little routine became. It wasn’t something we even discussed anymore; we always knew that mornings before work when we had spent the previous night together resulted in the two of us having breakfast at Colvert’s. We had officially dubbed it our place.
As soon as I was inside, I got to work. I was so consumed in what I was doing that it wasn’t until my phone rang that I realized it was already past lunchtime.
“Hello,” I answered, smiling into the phone.
“Hey, sidekick. You busy?”
“Yes, but I’ve been working like a crazy person since I got in quite a few hours ago. I completely missed lunch. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m in the area; I figured I’d stop in and visit. I’ll grab you something to eat quick and be right there.”
“Thanks, Logan. See you in a bit.”
It wasn’t much later when Logan came strolling through the front door of my office. He handed me a white paper bag. I looked up at him for an indication of what he got for me.
“California chicken sandwich,” he divulged.
“Grilled or fried?” I asked, my voice hopeful.
“I had them substitute for fried and told them to hold the guacamole.”
I grinned huge at him. “You are the best,” I announced.
He chuckled and noted, “I’ve known you since the day you were born, Lex. I’d like to think I know a thing or two about you by now.”
He had a point.
I pulled out the sandwich and started eating while he sat in the chair across from my desk.
“No clients or appointments today?” he wondered.
I shook my head. “Nope. Just working on a few things.”
He gave me a nod, but said nothing else. I got about halfway through my sandwich before I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“So, what’s really going on?” I asked with my mouth full of food.
He shook his head. “Nothing. I just wanted to stop in and see you.”
This was unlike him and I didn’t like the way it felt. I put my sandwich down, finished chewing, and swallowed hard.
“Logan?” I called gently.
His eyes came to mine and they were defeated. After holding my eyes for a beat, he let out, “I can’t get over it, Lex. I know you want me to let go of it, but I can’t. You’re my baby sister and I didn’t protect you.”
I’d never heard such pain and emotion in his voice ever before.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “This is why I never wanted to tell any of you. I knew you’d be overcome with guilt, even though there was nothing you could have done to protect me from it.”
Logan leaned forward on his elbows and looked down at the ground. He took a few deep breaths. I hated seeing what this was doing to him.
“I’ll find a way to get over it in time, but I guess I just have this need to reach out more often to check in on you.”
“If it helps you to call or text me every day just to check in, I’m completely fine with that,” I started. “But you’ve got to forgive yourself. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I feel responsible,” he croaked.
I needed to try something else. I couldn’t stand to see him so torn up about this. “Do you blame me?”
“What?” he asked, shocked I had asked such a ridiculous question.
I repeated myself.
“Do you blame me for getting myself raped?”
“You don’t get yourself raped, Lex. Of course I don’t blame you. Why would you ever say that?”
I gave him a small smile and explained, “Because that’s precisely what you’re doing to yourself right now. Logan, you aren’t responsible for me being raped any more than I am. There is one person at fault in this whole situation and, I’ll give you a hint, that person is not sitting in this room.”
“I don’t want to burden you with this, Lexi,” he began. “You’ve already been through enough. I’m just having a hard time not accepting responsibility for what happened to you and it consumes my mind every fucking minute of my day. I forgot to tighten lug nuts on one of my client’s cars yesterday. Thankfully, I backed the car out of the garage and realized something wasn’t right before anything bad could happen. But I was distracted.”
“Come with me to a therapy session,” I urged him. “Dr. Lane told me she’d be more than happy to help any of my family members who needed it. Come to one session and talk to her. She can help.”
“You really think so?”
I nodded. “I have no doubts about it.”
He let out a breath. In fact, it was more like a sigh of relief.
I stood and rounded my desk. When I made my way over to him, he stood and engulfed me in his arms. I held on tight to him and said, “It hurts my heart that you’re carrying this around with you. I don’t blame you and I wish you wouldn’t blame yourself. Please know that I have no doubts that if you could have done something about it, you would have. I know if I’m ever in a situation where I need you to protect me, I know you’ll do it.”
“In a heartbeat, sidekick.”
I closed my eyes and held on to Logan while he took the time he needed to collect himself. Since I had worked myself so hard earlier in the day, I took the remainder of the afternoon off and caught up with Logan. We stayed at my office because it was close to WAAR, but I didn’t do any more work. I spent the time I had left before I needed to go to therapy bringing Logan up to speed on all of the things that were going on in my life. It was nice to have that time with him.
When I finally had to leave for my meeting, Logan saw me safely to my car. I couldn’t say for sure, but I was pretty certain he felt better when he left than when he had arrived. I would call Dr. Lane tomorrow to set up a time for Logan and me to meet with her next week.
I arrived at WAAR with a few minutes to spare before the group session started, so I tapped out a quick text to Cruz.
Hey, Captain. Hope your day is going well. Just got to WAAR, but I’m looking forward to seeing you later.
Cruz responded a minute later.
Same here, warrior. Call me when you are finished. I’ll head home then.
>
Me: Will do. Love you.
Cruz: Love you, too.
I silenced my phone and slid it back in my bag before walking into the meeting. Two minutes after I’d gotten there, Riley walked in. Her eyes searched the room, looking for me. Once she found me, she walked over and sat in the empty seat next to me.
“Hey, Riley. How’s it going?”
“I’m doing alright,” she started. “I’ve got good days and bad days, but my nights are the worst.”
I knew what she was experiencing all too well. “It’ll get better,” I promised. “You’ve just got to give yourself time.”
“I hope you’re right,” she worried.
Offering a friendly smile, I pointed out, “You’re doing everything you can to heal yourself in the way that feels right to you. You keep coming back here every week. Look around, girl. I’ve noticed over the last couple of sessions that some girls don’t come back to them. I get it. This is hard. It’s been four years for me and I still find it hard sometimes, so I understand that hearing other survivor stories might be difficult so soon after for some women. You have your moments, but you step out, take a breather, and come back. You keep showing up for yourself. It will get better.”
“Thanks, Lexi. It means a lot coming from you. But it makes me wonder.”
My brows furrowed. “What?”
“Well, it’s been a long time for you and you feel like you still benefit from coming to these sessions. I can’t say for sure, but I would think this might be a long-term thing for me as well. I think about some of these other girls when I leave here and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t come back. Girls like Violet. I thought she was doing extremely well. Her assault happened before mine and she even shared her story. But since that share, she hasn’t come back. I thought she was doing well in her recovery, but not enough that I thought she wouldn’t come back. It makes me worry that she’s doing this alone.”
