by Untamed
Lowering my head, I folded my arms. “Honestly, Pastor—”
“Here we go. Let’s hear your excuse,” he chimed in.
I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t . . . It’s just that I get my counseling from you, and I don’t see why I need to go around a bunch of people I don’t even know.”
“Well, I thank God that my counseling and advice has helped you, but you’ve been involved in a very serious domestic dispute. I’m sure you have some residual effects, or you will in the near future. Tony meant a lot to you, and what you went through with him was not only physical, it was mental and emotional. I’m not saying that ministry isn’t needed. All I’m saying is that God put qualified individuals in place to give you the kind of specialized assistance you need. My advice would be to take advantage of it.”
“I hear you. I do. But I just don’t want people in my business like that. I haven’t even told my closest friends about this.”
“Maybe that’s because they haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through, so you know they won’t fully understand.”
He had a point. “True, but still, I’d rather tell them before telling a group of strangers.”
“LaMeka, believe it or not, sometimes it’s easier to tell people you don’t know than people you do know. People you don’t know don’t tend to judge you or the situation. Plus, you’d be around other women who have been in the same situation. You’re a strong young lady, and your strength could be just what another woman needs to make it through. There is a blessing for everyone in every situation. Let them bless you, and in turn, you will bless someone else,” Pastor Gaines said convincingly.
Again, great points. Honestly, I hadn’t considered things the way he pointed out, and while I hated to admit it, it made sense. How could I not go after that convincing argument? “Okay, I will go,” I decided.
* * *
Although I was apprehensive about attending the group counseling session, I kept my word that I’d given to the pastor. At first, I sat back and remained quiet. However, the more I listened to the other women’s stories, the more it helped me see that I wasn’t by myself. In fact, there was a woman there who had a child with special needs. During the break, I introduced myself to her, and it felt good to relate to someone not only about the abuse, but about our children, also. I even opened up to the group and admitted my trust issues.
I realized Pastor Gaines was right. I did feel better having a stranger to talk to who could relate to me than trying to explain all of this to a friend. They understood in a way that no one else could. In the end, I was happy that I went, and I was going to make every effort to go back.
Even though it’d only been a couple of weeks since the incident, I was making some good decisions in my life. I’d decided to utilize the help to assist me with Tony Jr.’s medical condition, and I was more determined than ever to get my GED. Now with great counseling and medical help, I was determined not to let anyone or anything deter me. That was, until I saw the one person I vowed to catch a case for—Kwanzie.
Trouble was so easy to get into.
I was coming from a doctor’s appointment with Tony Jr. when I saw that heifer in the parking lot. “I vowed on my kids’ lives that if I ever saw your ass again, I’d beat the shit out of you,” I said, walking up behind her.
I was all set to pop her ass dead in the grill, Tony Jr. present or not, but the sight before me scared me more than anything in my life. Looking like pure hell, she had to be at least ten pounds lighter. Her face was sunken in with dark and gloomy eyes, her clothes were raggedy, her hair was thinned out. It was official. She was a certified crackhead. I stepped back because as much as I wanted to whip her ass, she looked like death. I was scared to be near her.
“I don’t want no trouble,” she pleaded with me.
“After the shit you did to me? Bitch, please,” I yelled at her, moving Tony Jr. behind me. “I should whip your ass right here and now!”
Tears flowed from her eyes. “I’m different. I’m getting off that shit, and I’m sorry.”
“You must want some damn money or something for being all kind to me. You weren’t talking that shit when you were up in my house, fucking my man.”
“Look, I haven’t seen Tony in weeks, and it’s for the better. He’s on that shit heavy. What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry,” she apologized.
I pushed her. “Fuck you and your apology.”
She put her hand up. “Please don’t,” she screamed frantically.
“Why not?” I said, about to charge at her.
“I have HIV! I don’t want you to get my blood on you!”
Her words stopped me in my tracks. My entire body felt as if it went into immediate shock, and instantly, bile formed in my throat, and I threw up. My throat felt dry, my stomach did somersaults, and I couldn’t breathe. Did this bitch—who I was forced to have oral sex with—just admit that she had the package? Oh God, no! She’s been fucking Tony! Oh God, my sister fucked Tony! I immediately thought back and realized that I did get a test and it was negative, but what if it was too soon to detect it? Was I infected because of Tony’s actions? Oh my God. Oh my God!
“You liar!” I screamed as the tears that welled up threatened to spill over.
“It’s true,” she cried. “That’s why I’m here.”
“How? Was it from Tony? When did you find out?”
She showed me her arm. “I got hooked on heroin. When I got clean, one of the other junkies told me they heard that my dealer had the package. I had been sharing needles with this cat, and he all but told me he’d given me this death sentence,” she said as fresh tears ran down her face. “I came to the hospital and got tested. I have it too. They got me hooked up with a program to kick my habit, counseling and treatment for my status. I ain’t gon’ lie. I’ve stayed away from Tony because I think word got out to him that I have it. I’m scared of him, of what he’ll do to me. I just hope that you don’t have it,” she confessed.
I’d been using female condoms with Tony ever since that day. Not that I even wanted to screw him. I just knew he’d make me. We’d actually only had sex three times since the whole Kwanzie incident, but still, I was nervous about whether I had it. Just as importantly, I was worried about my sister. I didn’t know how long she and Tony had been fucking around, but none of that mattered because he was raw with her. I saw it with my own two eyes.
Hearing the news, I couldn’t do shit but turn and run away. I picked up Tony Jr. and held him as I tried to pull breath down into my chest. My entire life flashed before my eyes. Who would look after my children if Tony and I both had it and something happened to us? I couldn’t even think of dying and leaving my children here, motherless and fatherless. I couldn’t have the package. I couldn’t. As soon as I was in my truck, I shut the door and held Tony Jr. tight as I furiously rocked back and forth and cried.
As if understanding my situation, Tony Jr. reached up and rubbed my face. “It’s okay, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.”
I held him closer and cried into his shirt. “I love you too, li’l man. I love you so much. Mommy is always going to be here for you. Always,” I said, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be all right. But my heart was paralyzed with fear. There was a possibility, a strong possibility, that I had HIV.
Chapter Five
Trinity
Three days later and I still hadn’t moved. I wasn’t fit for shit, much less caring for a baby, so I had Pooch drop Princess off at my mom’s house for a few days while Terrence kept our children. Just as they did when Pooch bathed me on the day of my beating, silent tears slid down my face every time he touched me. This was the man I put my trust in? This was the man I ran to thinking he’d be a good man to me? I thought that Pooch loved me, but now, more than ever, I realized he only loved what I stood for in his life—being his bottom bitch. As long as I was his slave, servant, ho, and trophy girl, we were all to the good. To him, my position was underneath him, not even behind him,
and damn sure not beside him.
Only moving to use the bathroom, I’d been in the bed in the fetal position since that fateful day. In my mind, I kept replaying the horrifying events in Pooch’s office.
“Do you know how many women would love to be in your shoes?”
“When I tell you something, I expect it to be followed.”
“You gon’ learn to respect me!”
All of Pooch’s comments just weighed on my soul. His actions weighed on my mental. I’d never been put in a situation where I was afraid to be me.
Pooch fussed a lot, and of course he meant business with other people, but I never figured he’d actually do this to me. I’d always prided myself as being his one soft spot. Even if he had caught me cheating with Terrence, I thought his anger would be directed toward Terrence, never me. Not even after he’d warned me that he’d hurt me did I truly believe that he would. My worst fear had always been about him doing something to Terrence or taking his money away from me and my kids, but never physically hurting me. Never. My self-confidence, my pride, my strength, and even my womanhood was taken from me that day, and my face and neck still bore the battle scars. My body still hurt from the violence he unleashed on me, and I was stuck in limbo between depression and submission. I just lay there, scared to move from the one spot that had brought me peace of mind even when Pooch curled his bastard ass up next to me.
“Trinity?” Pooch asked quietly as I stared blankly at the wall. “You have to eat,” he said, bending down with a bowl of soup in his hands. He stroked my hair, but I just looked past him, never blinking. “Trinity, can you hear me? Are you okay? Talk to me, babe.”
“I just want to lie here,” I said hoarsely.
“You have to eat, and you need something to drink,” Pooch said.
For the first time since the incident, I looked into his eyes. Hell, he actually looked scared for once. Not of me, just for me.
“I don’t want it,” I said softly.
“You don’t have a choice,” he said sternly. “Now, open up.”
Out of fear, I did what I was told. Opening my mouth, I sucked the ice-cold water through a straw. It did feel good going down my throat. Pooch sat me up, and I grudgingly ate the soup he fed me.
He wiped my mouth and asked, “See? Don’t you feel better?”
I only nodded.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Pooch went to answer it, so I lay back down. Terry ran into my room and pulled on my arm, so I sat up slowly and lazily.
“What is it, Terry?” I asked, not focusing on the fact that my son was home.
“Mama! Mama! Please hurry quickly! Pooch and Daddy are going to fight,” he yelled.
Just then, Brittany burst into the room, crying. “Mommy! Pooch pulled a gun on Daddy!” Brittany cried.
“What?” I screamed, snapping out of my trance.
Instantly, riddled with fear, I jumped up with lightning speed. My pulse thumped in my ears as sweat beads formed on my forehead. My hands felt cold and clammy. With wobbly legs and unsure steps, I scrambled in a hurry. My body felt as if it were floating. This was the last fucking straw! If Pooch had hurt Terrence, I would kill him myself! I was so scared of what I was about to see, yet I took the stairs damn near three at a time as I made a mad dash down the hallway to the front foyer.
“Pooch!”
Pooch stood there with his 9 mm Glock gripped in one hand with it pointed it directly at Terrence’s chest. Terrence’s chest heaved up and down as anger rose inside of him. He refused to back down from Pooch. The sense of fear nearly consumed me as I watched the scene in horror.
“Pooch, put it down,” I screamed in tears. My voice finally caught their attention as they looked at me.
“Trinity,” Terrence yelled when he saw me.
“Please put the gun down,” I pleaded, pulling on Pooch’s arm. Pooch’s nose flared as he continued to point the gun at Terrence.
“This muthafucka is real disrespectful. Telling me he ain’t leaving until he knows you’re all right. How he gon’ come over here and try to rule my house? Not my house,” Pooch yelled.
“You’re scaring my kids! Put it down!” I begged.
Terrence backed up a little. “I just wanted to make sure you were all right.” He turned and looked me over. “What the fuck? What happened to your mouth? And your neck has bruises!” Terrence gasped. Instantly, he became enraged and looked at Pooch. “You muthafucka!” Terrence screamed at Pooch. Suddenly, he charged toward him.
“Terrence, no,” I screamed as Pooch pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes, waiting to hear a bang, but there was nothing.
Terrence laughed, standing right up in Pooch’s grill. “Safety’s on, bitch.” He punched Pooch square in the jaw and knocked the gun out of his hand.
I picked the gun up as Terrence and Pooch began a slug fest on the floor. I ordered Terry and Brittany to go upstairs and not to come down until I told them. They did as I said as I struggled not to get hit. I turned around to find Terrence whopping Pooch’s ass! With Pooch pinned against the floor, he popped his ass from cheek to cheek with thunderous blows.
“You want to hit women, bitch?” Terrence yelled. “Wrong woman, nigga, and definitely the wrong man! I’ma fuck you up!”
“Terrence, stop, please,” I screamed.
He stood Pooch up, and as he yelled, he punctuated everything he said with punches. “The next time”—he punched Pooch—“you put your hands on Trinity”—he punched again—“I’ll kill you.” Pooch’s lips were bleeding, his jaws were swollen, and he had a huge cut underneath one of his eyes.
“Terrence, please,” I pleaded, walking toward them. “Please stop,” I said faintly, suddenly becoming light-headed. The room was spinning, and I was falling.
“Trinity!” I heard them yell hysterically.
“Oh God, babe!” I heard Pooch scream.
“Call 911, nigga! Trinity! Baby!” Terrence yelled as I felt him scoop me up. I couldn’t respond. Everything was so groggy, and then there was nothing.
* * *
My body felt sore and tired, and my throat felt a bit parched. As the thought came to me to get comfortable, I heard a constant beep in the air and felt a burst of cool air around my nose. When I reached up to touch my face, I felt a long wire or tubing or something, which caused my eyes to pop open and look around. I jumped up, confused and out of my mind. “Where the hell am I?” I asked warily, scrambling to get up.
Feeling a hand against my shoulder, I heard a strange man’s voice say, “Easy, easy, Ms. Atkins.”
I looked over in his direction and realized he was a doctor. “What? What happened? Where am I?”
“You’re in Grady Memorial Hospital, Ms. Atkins. I’m Dr. Wallace,” he said, pulling up a chair beside the bed.
Suddenly, I remembered the fight with Pooch and Terrence. “My kids. Terrence. I have to get up.”
“Ms. Atkins, it’s okay. There are several young men outside waiting for you. One is named… Pooch, I believe he told us, and his friends. There’s also a young man named Terrence and your children. They are all right. Their concern is for you.”
Looking around, I was hooked up to every gadget imaginable. My body felt tired. “Why am I here, and how long have I been here?”
“You’ve been here about five hours. You’re here because you passed out. Do you remember anything that happened prior to this?” Dr. Wallace asked.
“No,” I said, not willing to confess shit about the incident.
“All right. Your boyfriend, Pooch, said that someone tried to attack you a few days ago. He stated that’s why you have all of the bruising around your neck and face. Is that true?”
I nodded.
“Did you report it to the authorities?”
I shook my head. “I’m good. I didn’t need to.”
“You know, Ms. Atkins, a woman in your condition doesn’t need to be in an unhealthy situation.”
“Wait, what do you mean, my condition?”
“
You don’t know, do you?” The doctor looked at me in shock.
“No,” I said plainly to him.
“You’re about six weeks pregnant.”
The moment the word “pregnant” escaped his lips, my mind inadvertently tuned him out. Unfuckingbelievable! Did this doctor just say I was pregnant? My heart nearly dropped to the floor. No the hell I wasn’t pregnant again by that damn Pooch. Wait a minute.
“Excuse me. How far along did you say I was?” I interrupted whatever he was rambling about.
“Six weeks. Give or take a week or so. I was going to have a gynecologist come down and examine you to be certain,” he said to me. “But I’m pretty sure it’s around six weeks.”
Instantly, my mind thought back over the past month. Damn, it had been a minute since Mother Nature had visited me, but had it been six weeks? Six weeks ago, six weeks ago. I was on the pill per Pooch’s orders, so how the hell did I get pregnant? I always took my pill at the same time every night at eleven. When did I skip? Suddenly, it came back to me. My ladies’ night out! Suwanee, Terrence, the hotel . . . It came back to me like a tidal wave, the moment at the hotel when my child was conceived. I thought about the moments before Terrence’s seed invaded my womb.
“Oh shit, li’l mama. Fuck, I’m ’bout to explode,” he’d said. I remembered the feeling as he pulsated inside of me.
The doctor must’ve noticed the dazed expression on my face. “Are you all right, Ms. Atkins?”
“Have you told Pooch or Terrence?”
“No, I haven’t. I had to speak to you. I did, however, tell them the reason you collapsed. Your body has suffered from exhaustion, dehydration, and malnourishment. Physically, your wounds will heal, but you cannot take any more trauma. Your iron is low, and your blood pressure is high. You have to take it easy for the baby’s and your sakes.”
For the first time since he spoke, the reality of life growing inside of me dawned on me. His cautionary warnings about my condition immediately tapped into the motherly instincts inside of my heart, and worry began to settle in the pit of my stomach. “So, what’s wrong with me?” I asked, rubbing my belly.
