THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE
BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
It is not easy, at the best, for two persons talking together to makethe most of each other's thoughts, there are so many of them.
[The company looked as if they wanted an explanation.]
When John and Thomas, for instance, are talking together, it is naturalenough that among the six there should be more or less confusion andmisapprehension.
[Our landlady turned pale;--no doubt she thought there was a screw loosein my intellects,--and that involved the probable loss of a boarder. Asevere-looking person, who wears a Spanish cloak and a sad cheek, flutedby the passions of the melodrama, whom I understand to be theprofessional ruffian of the neighboring theater, alluded, with a certainlifting of the brow, drawing down of the corners of the mouth andsomewhat rasping _voce di petti_, to Falstaff's nine men in buckram.Everybody looked up. I believe the old gentleman opposite was afraid Ishould seize the carving-knife; at any rate, he slid it to one side, asit were carelessly.]
I think, I said, I can make it plain to Benjamin Franklin here, thatthere are at least six personalities distinctly to be recognized astaking part in that dialogue between John and Thomas.
{ 1. The real John; known only to his Maker. { 2. John's ideal John; never the real one, and often Three Johns { very unlike him. { 3. Thomas's ideal John; never the real John, nor { John's John, but often very unlike either.
{ 1. The real Thomas. Three Thomases { 2. Thomas's ideal Thomas. { 3. John's ideal Thomas.
Only one of the three Johns is taxed; only one can be weighed on aplatform-balance; but the other two are just as important in theconversation. Let us suppose the real John to be old, dull andill-looking. But as the Higher Powers have not conferred on men the giftof seeing themselves in the true light, John very possibly conceiveshimself to be youthful, witty, and fascinating, and talks from the pointof view of this ideal. Thomas, again believes him to be an artful rogue,we will say; therefore he _is_ so far as Thomas's attitude in theconversation is concerned, an artful rogue, though really simple andstupid. The same conditions apply to the three Thomases. It follows,that, until a man can be found who knows himself as his Maker knows him,or who sees himself as others see him, there must be at least sixpersons engaged in every dialogue between two. Of these, the leastimportant, philosophically speaking, is the one that we have called thereal person. No wonder two disputants often get angry, when there aresix of them talking and listening all at the same time.
[A very unphilosophical application of the above remarks was made by ayoung fellow, answering to the name of John, who sits near me at table.A certain basket of peaches, a rare vegetable, little known to boardinghouses, was on its way to me _via_ this unlettered Johannes. Heappropriated the three that remained in the basket, remarking that therewas just one apiece for him. I convinced him that his practicalinference was hasty and illogical, but in the mean time he had eaten thepeaches.]
"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE
"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having beenwon, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ---- Stamford, during thestock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of thisgentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the "Notes and Queries."This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains alarge amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable fortheir symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calmweather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. Thesummers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; butthis fact can not be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiarreason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in morenorthern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless inwinter.
"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper-treeand the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, abenevolent society was organized in London during the last century forsupplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to thatdelightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D.P.] It is said, however,that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in England, thenatives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touchthem, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel inwhich they were brought over. This information was received from one ofthe oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond ofmissionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in the _cuisine_peculiar to the island.
"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed aresubject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent andlong-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of theseattacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backwardfor great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of theaeolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poorcreatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or areprecipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lostannually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed exclusively onthis stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injuryis resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely forappropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was onlypacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar speciesof swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is wellknown, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the MahometanBuddhists.
"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europeand America under the familiar name of _macaroni_. The smaller twigs arecalled _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may beobserved in the soups containing them. Macaroni, being tubular, is thefavorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is renderedpeculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island,therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without beingaccompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time bethoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before themacaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of theseinsects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so thataccidents from this source are comparatively rare.
"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. Thebuttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with a cocoanut palm,the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the hybrid inthe shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so as to fitit for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with cold--"
--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many ofthese statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention thepaper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the styleof these popular writers. I think the fellow that wrote it must havebeen reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with hishistory and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies; he sells it to theeditor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, whosells it to the public--by the way, the papers have been verycivil--haven't they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"NorthernMagazine,"--isn't it?--got up by some of these Come-outers, down East,as an organ for their local peculiarities.
* * * * *
It is a very dangerous thing for a literary man to indulge his love forthe ridiculous. People laugh _with_ him just so long as he amuses them;but if he attempts to be serious, they must still have their laugh, andso they laugh _at_ him. There is in addition, however, a deeper reasonfor this than would at first appear. Do you know that you feel a littlesuperior to every man who makes you laugh, whether by making faces orverses? Are you aware that you have a pleasant sense of patronizing him,when you condescend so far as to let him turn somersets, literal orliterary, for your royal delight? Now if a man can only be allowed tostand on a dais, or raised platform, and look down on his neighbor whois exerting his talent for
him, oh, it is all right!--first-rateperformance!--and all the rest of the fine phrases. But if all at oncethe performer asks the gentleman to come upon the floor, and, steppingupon the platform, begins to talk down at him,--ah, that wasn't in theprogram!
I have never forgotten what happened when Sydney Smith--who, aseverybody knows, was an exceedingly sensible man, and a gentleman, everyinch of him--ventured to preach a sermon on the Duties of Royalty. The"Quarterly," "so savage and tartly," came down upon him in the mostcontemptuous style, as "a joker of jokes," a "diner-out of the firstwater" in one of his own phrases; sneering at him, insulting him, asnothing but a toady of a court, sneaking behind the anonymous, wouldever have been mean enough to do to a man of his position and genius, orto any decent person even.--If I were giving advice to a young fellow oftalent, with two or three facets to his mind, I would tell him by allmeans to keep his wit in the background until after he had made areputation by his more solid qualities. And so to an actor: _Hamlet_first and _Bob Logic_ afterward, if you like; but don't think, as theysay poor Liston used to, that people will be ready to allow that you cando anything great with _Macbeth's_ dagger after flourishing about with_Paul Pry's_ umbrella. Do you know, too, that the majority of men lookupon all who challenge their attention,--for a while, at least,--asbeggars, and nuisances? They always try to get off as cheaply as theycan; and the cheapest of all things they can give a literary man--pardonthe forlorn pleasantry!--is the _funny_-bone. That is all very well sofar as it goes, but satisfies no man, and makes a good many angry, as Itold you on a former occasion.
Oh, indeed, no!--I am not ashamed to make you laugh, occasionally. Ithink I could read you something I have in my desk that would probablymake you smile. Perhaps I will read it one of these days, if you arepatient with me when I am sentimental and reflective; not just now. Theludicrous has its place in the universe; it is not a human invention,but one of the Divine ideas, illustrated in the practical jokes askittens and monkeys long before Aristophanes or Shakespeare. How curiousit is that we always consider solemnity and the absence of all gaysurprises and encounter of wits as essential to the idea of the futurelife of those whom we thus deprive of half their faculties and thencalled _blessed_! There are not a few who, even in this life, seem to bepreparing themselves for that smileless eternity to which they lookforward, by banishing all gaiety from their hearts and all joyousnessfrom their countenances. I meet one such in the street not unfrequently,a person of intelligence and education, but who gives me (and all thathe passes) such a rayless and chilling look of recognition,--somethingas if he were one of Heaven's assessors, come down to "doom" everyacquaintance he met,--that I have sometimes begun to sneeze on the spot,and gone home with a violent cold, dating from that instant. I don'tdoubt he would cut his kitten's tail off, if he caught her playing withit. Please tell me, who taught her to play with it?
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) Page 35
