Best friend, even. If Red had a best friend, Andy was it.
Over the last few weeks, he’d actually started feeling like he didn’t really need to date. Company was all he’d ever wanted, and Andy was great company.
He couldn’t exactly tell Andy that, though. This experiment was clearly important to him, and Red was happy to help out if it meant he just might find Mr. Right.
“I’m gonna put you in charge of ordering,” Andy said. “Since you know this place a lot better than I do.”
“If you trust me.” Red wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to be in charge, but Andy was right—he knew the menu and the food better. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Don’t leave me for too long.” Andy grinned, but then gave Red the softest, most adoring look of his life. Red knew it was an act, he knew Andy was teasing him, but it still hit him square in the chest, making his breath hitch briefly.
That was weird.
Red shrugged it off and went to the counter to order, deciding that Andy would probably eat just about anything that was put in front of him. Also, it was pizza. All pizza was good pizza.
He glanced back at Andy, who was already playing with his phone. He did that when he was nervous. Sometimes he just opened and closed Twitter or his email without actually doing anything.
It didn’t make any sense that he’d be nervous, but then, Andy was kind of nervous in general. Nervous, and stressed. He always seemed like he needed a hug, but Red hadn’t worked up the courage to offer him one just yet.
Sometimes, he wished he could just reach out and pull him in, hold him for a few moments and see if it made any difference. Andy deserved to be calm sometimes.
“So, tell me about yourself,” Andy said as Red sat back down, resting his chin in his hands and staring across the table at him. Either he was teasing again, or he was worse at dates than Red could ever imagine being.
“You kinda know about me, man. I’m outta things to tell you.”
“You’re supposed to be pretending that this is a first date.” Andy…
Andy pouted, which was new.
Red stared at his lower lip for a second before shaking off the momentary distraction. “Do I look like an actor to you?”
Humming, Andy reached out to play with the salt shaker in the middle of the table. “Not really. Not a specific actor, anyway. You’ve got a face for TV, though.”
“More like a face for radio.” Red snorted, blushing. He wasn’t really used to compliments.
Well, not compliments from people he…
Found…
Attractive…
Oh.
Uh oh.
He was attracted to Andy.
He’d wondered about him before, had the occasional suspect thought, but hadn’t, until now, realized that there was actual attraction going on there.
This was fine. He could be attracted to someone and not ever act on it. He’d done it before. He could even still be totally cool and normal with them. Attraction didn’t have to mean freaking out.
He just happened to be freaking out a little.
Andy shook his head. “No, you’re a handsome man. Your features are all in proportion, and your eyes are gorgeous. We can definitely rule out your looks as a barrier to finding someone who wants to go on a second date with you.”
Red blushed harder, the tips of his ears burning. It was an almost clinical assessment, totally objective, and it was still enough to make his stomach flutter.
He was in so much trouble.
“There is actually something I still wonder about you, though,” Andy said. Red could barely hear him over the rushing of blood in his ears.
How the hell Andy hadn’t noticed, he had no idea.
“What?” Red tried to focus on not looking like he was just realizing his roommate—his best friend—was really cute. Was someone he’d like to like him.
“You told me once that you were saving for college, but you never told me what you wanted to study.”
Red cleared his throat. He could answer that. “I was thinking engineering,” he said, hoping Andy wouldn’t laugh at him. “Like, structural engineering. I’ve seen a lot of buildings in various stages of collapse, and I’m curious, I guess. But I also think I could save lives. Maybe.”
Andy’s whole face lit up, which was both the reaction Red wanted and the worst possible thing that could have happened. He didn’t need any more approval from Andy. Not right now.
“Wow.” Andy beamed at him. “That’s awesome. And hot.”
Red was starting to think that Andy was trying to kill him. He couldn’t possibly know what Red had just been thinking, and he wouldn’t have teased him over it anyway.
Andy was the kind of guy who let you down gently. Red could tell that about him without ever having to be let down.
That didn’t mean he was interested in dealing with it. He just wanted to keep his feelings to himself and hope they’d go away.
“Thanks,” Red said, trying to get himself under control. It was just a dumb crush. It didn’t mean anything.
Andy was the first gay man who’d been nice to him, who he could call a friend. Of course he had a thing for him. “Hence the profile title, right?”
“Right,” Andy agreed. “You live up to it, even if you don’t think you do. You’re going to make someone very happy someday soon.”
Red cleared his throat. “I hope so,” he said softly.
It didn’t have to be Andy—it almost certainly wouldn’t be—but he did want someone to want to be around him. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone, and sometimes it felt as though he was going to.
“You will. We’ll find someone for you,” Andy promised. “There are hundreds of guys out there who’d pass out if you so much as smiled at them. Trust me. You’re gorgeous, and you’re sweet, and you’ve got a whole bunch of other things going for you.”
“I see now why you’re better at dates than I am,” Red said. “I get all tangled up trying to compliment people. What if I compliment them on something they’re not proud of or comfortable with?”
Andy shrugged. “You probably will, at some point. But believe me when I say, it’s actually nice to be complimented for something you’re not totally comfortable with about yourself. I think I look weird when I smile, so it always makes me feel better when people compliment it.”
“I think you have a nice smile,” Red said automatically. “Uh. I’m not saying that because you mentioned it. Or, I mean, I am, but… you know what I mean. I’m not just saying it. I believe it.”
To Red’s delight, Andy smiled at him. He didn’t see anything weird about it at all, but people were insecure about all kinds of things.
It was actually kind of good to know that Andy had insecurities. In a strange way, he always seemed so confident, like he didn’t care what anyone thought of him. It was weird to contrast that with his perpetual nervousness, but people were full of contradictions.
Although, Red was starting to realize that maybe Andy’s apparent confidence was an act. A suit of armor so people couldn’t hurt him.
“Thanks,” Andy said, sitting back as their pizza turned up. He grabbed a slice immediately and barely paused before taking a bite, making slightly uncomfortable sounds at the heat, but persisting in eating it anyway.
“Hungry?” Red asked, unable to stop himself from smiling. Now that he thought back, Andy had been nervous when they’d first met. He wasn’t anymore, though. That was nice.
“Starving,” Andy said between bites.
Red was starving as well, but he didn’t want to burn his tongue, because he knew that would annoy him until it healed. Besides, he wanted to be able to taste his food.
Instead, he watched Andy devour his first slice, waiting for the steam to stop coming off his own. Andy didn’t seem to care at all.
Now that they were eating, Red felt as though he could relax. This was any normal dinner with his roommate.
Maybe that was why he l
iked Andy so much. He was easy to be around. Low-pressure, fun, and not at all judgmental when it came to Red.
Red got the feeling Andy wasn’t like that with everyone, so he considered himself a lucky special case. Even though he knew Andy would be moving out sooner or later, that this wasn’t a permanent arrangement, he was glad he’d gotten to know him.
“You look tired,” Andy said as he licked the grease off his fingers, grabbing a napkin a second later when he apparently realized he was doing it in public. “I was going to suggest going somewhere for dessert, but now I’m thinking we still have brownies at home and I could grab ice cream on the way home, maybe make a chocolate sauce. I don’t want to keep you out too long.”
“Uh.” Red had been about to say that he was fine, but in the pause between thinking it and opening his mouth to say it, he started to yawn.
That kind of gave away how exhausted he was. Besides, he liked the idea of going home and eating on the couch.
“Thought so,” Andy said, smiling fondly. He stood and took out his wallet, leaving more than enough to cover the bill on the table.
Red went to protest, but Andy held a hand up to stop him. “I know what they pay firefighters, and I’m not trying to go all alpha male on you here… I mean, I’m sure you could kill me with your bare hands if you wanted to… but I asked you out, so I’m paying. No argument.”
“I don’t wanna kill you,” Red responded, not sure what else to say.
“I know.” Andy smiled again, leading Red outside. Red didn’t mind following, and he was glad the walk home was only short.
“Let’s swing by the-” Andy paused mid-sentence and turned around to face Red, biting his lip. He looked as though he wanted to say something more important than a comment on the route they should take home. Then, something really, really unexpected happened.
At first, Red wasn’t even sure what was happening. His brain only kicked in at the last second, when Andy’s hand was already on his neck, pulling his head down.
Andy was kissing him. There was a half-second where Red could have stopped it, pushed Andy away and refused, but he didn’t want to. He wanted this to be a thing that happened, even if he didn’t know why, even if he hadn’t expected it at all.
Andy’s lips were soft and eager, not exactly gentle, but not harsh, either. Demanding, intense, all the things Red secretly suspected Andy would be like in this situation.
Not that he’d ever thought about it. Obviously.
He probably should have realized he was into Andy a lot earlier.
Heat sparked in Red’s stomach, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. He melted against Andy, fitting their bodies together, his hand settling on Andy’s hip without him consciously meaning to put it there.
He was so solid, and so real. Everything about him was what Red wanted, from the four-inch height difference to the way his permanently uneven stubble rasped against Red’s cheek.
Every nerve ending in Red’s body screamed for more, every atom of his being wanting to pick Andy up, pin him against the wall, and rub off against him right here and now, without really caring who saw.
Red couldn’t remember ever feeling anything this intense toward another person. His few hurried handjobs in clubs he’d been terrified he’d be seen in hadn’t been like this, and the crushes he’d had from afar hadn’t, either.
Andy was different. Andy was, as Red had thought on the first day they met, special.
He just hadn’t realized how special until now.
As quickly as it started, the kiss was all over. Andy moved a half step back, his warmth leaving Red instantly and making him feel cold.
He opened his mouth to ask either what the hell? or can we do that again?, but Andy beat him to it.
“My ex is coming over,” he whispered.
Red’s heart sank. Andy hadn’t kissed him because he wanted to. He’d kissed him because he wanted his ex to see it.
Red looked up to see another man approaching them, waving at Andy with an overly-bright smile. “Hey, long time no see,” he said.
Andy cleared his throat. “Uh, Red, this is Jake. Jake, Red,” he introduced them, not making eye contact with Red as he did it.
It was dark out, but on closer inspection, Red thought Andy might have been blushing. So maybe it wasn’t a totally one-sided thing, after all.
“He’s nice,” Jake nodded at Red as though he was a horse for sale. “Where’d you find him?”
Andy smirked. “Craigslist. I thought you’d moved away?”
“I have, I’m just on a flying visit,” Jake said, still barely acknowledging Red’s existence.
Red told himself that that was why he instantly disliked him, and not because he’d once had something Red was quickly realizing he wanted.
All this time he’d been looking so hard for someone, and that someone had been right under his nose.
“Then we won’t keep you.” Andy reached out and grabbed Red’s hand.
That was nice, too.
Confusing, but nice.
“And I won’t keep you,” Jake said, smiling his too-bright smile again. “Have a good night.”
“Oh, we will,” Red said, with more courage than he actually had right now.
This was all so strange, so deeply confusing.
That had been the first real kiss of his life. The first one where he hadn’t been afraid, the first one where he’d felt truly comfortable doing it.
And it was with someone who didn’t really want to do it in the first place.
Unless it wasn’t? It was hard to read Andy at the best of times, and this was no exception.
Red let himself be led away, more questions popping up in his mind, none of which he was brave enough to voice just yet.
He got the feeling he and Andy were about to have a talk.
Chapter Eleven
“I’m so sorry,” Andy said the moment he and Red had disappeared around the corner. “I have no idea what I thought I was doing, and I should absolutely never have done that to you. I feel like such an asshole.”
“It’s okay,” Red said.
“And I promise it won’t ever happen again. My problems aren’t your problems and I definitely shouldn’t have used you to make my ex jealous and I extremely shouldn’t have kissed you without your consent. I have no excuse.”
“Dude, seriously, it’s okay.”
Andy looked up at Red, who genuinely didn’t seem to be mad at him. “It was unacceptable,” Andy said. “You don’t have to put up with crap like that from anyone, least of all me.”
“Look… it was a surprise, yeah, but it was… it’s fine.” Red scratched the back of his neck. “You might have noticed that no one else is lining up to kiss me.”
“Firstly, they would be if you let them. Secondly, that’s not the point. You trust me, and I just threw that trust in your face for my own gain.”
“If the worst thing you ever do to me is kiss me without warning, we’re cool.” Red shrugged. “And yeah, I know, you shouldn’t have done that in a sort of general sense, but I’m not mad. In context, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
Andy sighed. He really, really hadn’t meant to do that to Red. But he’d seen Jake, and his stomach had gone cold. When he didn’t think about it, he was totally over what had happened. The moment he did, though, he realized he wasn’t. Not entirely. Not yet.
Red had been there, and he was too good for Andy by a long way, kind and noble and a goddamn hero for a living, and some selfish part of Andy wanted him. Wanted to be seen with him, in that moment.
None of that was fair to Red, who, aside from not being interested in Andy, generally deserved better. He was still figuring things out.
“Can I ask something?” Red spoke up after a few moments of awkward silence.
“Anything,” Andy said, wanting to make amends for what he’d done. He didn’t like to think of himself as the kind of man who’d force himself on his friends.
And
yeah, he hadn’t exactly had to use any force, and Red could have easily pushed him away if he really didn’t want to kiss him, but still. He felt bad about it, and that feeling would linger for a while yet.
“What did Jake do to you?”
Andy snorted. Red had always been perceptive, but he felt horribly transparent right now. Raw and vulnerable, like Red could see his entire life history written in block letters on his skin. It was almost more uncomfortable than the guilt of kissing him.
It was a lot more uncomfortable than the knowledge that Red kissed exactly like Andy had imagined he would, sweet and soft and like it was the most important thing in the world in that moment.
It killed him that they had zero percent compatibility. He would have taken a risk at seventy.
Hell, he might have taken a risk at one.
But zero? Zero meant there was no chance. None. There was nothing he could do to make anything between them work, and Andy wasn’t ready for another messy breakup.
“He told me no one would ever love me because I cared more about my stupid computer than I did about him.” Andy swallowed. “Among other things.”
The worst thing about that statement had been that it was true. He’d stayed with Jake long after he realized they were never going anywhere, too afraid to leave and be alone.
Red didn’t need to know about the proposal Andy had knocked back. He trusted Red, but he was still afraid that most people would see that as a dick move.
He hadn’t wanted to marry Jake. He hadn’t wanted to marry anyone. But a lot of people had given him a lot of crap over it.
That was why he didn’t have a whole lot of friends, now. Anyone who couldn’t support him in making decisions about his own life, regardless of whether or not they disappointed someone else, wasn’t really a friend to start with.
“So you… decided to use your computer to find love?” Red asked.
Considering what Andy had just done, that was a fair shot. He more than deserved it.
Although, he knew Red didn’t mean it cruelly. Jake hadn’t really meant it cruelly, either, but it had stung. So had all the other things they’d both said and done in their last weeks together, capped off with the heartbreak of Jake suddenly moving out and leaving nothing more than a note to say he was gone, and not to follow.
Red Hot Page 5
