CHAPTER XII.
I am Instructed to Capture and Search a Female Smuggler-- I Protest in Vain--The Terrible Ordeal--Beauty Behind the Pulpit--Pills, Plasters, Quinine--The Pathetic Letter-- We Meet Under Happier Stars.
It was at this time that the hardest duty that it was my lot to performduring my service, fell to me, and the only wonder to me is that I amalive today to tell of it. If I ever get a pension it will be onaccount of night sweats, caused by the terrible and trying work that wasassigned to me. One day the colonel sent for me, and I knew at once thatthere was something unusual in the wind. After seating myself in histent he opened the subject by asking me if I wasn't something of a handto be agreeable to the ladies. I told him, with many blushes, thatif there was one thing on this earth that I thought was nicer thaneverything else, it was a lady, and that a good woman was the noblestwork of God. He said he was on to all of that, but it wasn't a goodwoman that he was after. That startled me a little. I had heard theofficers had a habit of fooling around a good deal with certain females,and I told the colonel that any duty that I was assigned to I wouldperform to the best of my poor ability, but I could not go around withthe girls as officers did, because I couldn't afford it, and it wasagainst my principles, anyway. He showed me a picture of a beautifulwoman, and asked me if I would know her if I saw her again. I told him Icould pick her out of a thousand. He said she was a smuggler. She had apass from a general, who seemed to be under her influence to a certainextent, for some reason, and went in and out of the lines freely. Thegeneral didn't want to order her arrest, because she would squeal onhim, but he wanted her arrested all the same, and the idea was to havesome corporal in charge of a picket post take the responsibility ofarresting her without orders, refuse to recognize her pass, take thequinine and other medicines, and money away from her, and then bearrested himself for exceeding his authority. He said they wanted acorporal who had every appearance of being a big-headed idiot, and yetwho knew what he was about, who knew something about women, and whocould do such a job up in shape, and never let the woman know that thegeneral or anybody had anything to do with her arrest. The idea wasto catch her in the act of smuggling quinine through the lines to therebels, by the act of a fresh corporal who took the matter into hisown hands, and who claimed that the pass she had from the general was aforgery. When the general could, when the woman was brought beforehim, be indignant at the corporal for insulting a woman, and order himarrested, and he could also go back on the woman, and have her sentaway, after which he would release the corporal, and perhaps promotehim, and all would be well. It was as pretty a scheme as I ever listenedto, and I consented to do the duty, though I wouldn't do it again fora million dollars. The colonel told me to take four men and go to aparticular place on an unfrequented road, near a school house, andput out a picket. The female would be along during the afternoon, onhorseback, and when she showed her pass, one of the men must take holdof her horse and hold him, while I kicked about the pass, made herdismount, and searched her for quinine. I turned ashy pale when thecolonel said that, and I said to him:
"Colonel, for heaven's sake don't compel me to search a woman. I have afamily at home, and they will hear of it. My political enemies will useit against me at home when I run for office, after the war. Let me bringher here to your tent, and you search her."
"No, that would spoil all," said the colonel. "We want her searchedright there at the little school house, by a corporal without apparentauthority, and every last quinine pill taken off of her. If she wasbrought here she would cry, and rave, and we should weaken, because weknow her, and have been entertained at her house. You are supposed tobe a heartless corporal, with no sentiment, no mercy, no nothing, justa delver after smuggled quinine. Besides, I too, have a family, and Idon't want to search no females. By the way, one of the general's startsaw her last night, and drew the cartridges from her revolver, and putin some blank cartridges. If the worst comes, she will draw her revolveron you, and perhaps fire at you, but there are no balls in her revolver,so you needn't be afraid."
"But suppose she has two revolvers," I asked, "and one is loaded withbullets?"
"I don't think she has," said the colonel. "But we have to take somechances, you know. Now go right along. Treat her like a lady, disbelieveeverything she says and insist on searching her. The general says shewears an enormous bustle, and probably that is full of quinine. Use yourjudgement, but get it all. Pretend to be an ignorant sort of a corporalwho feels that the success of the war depends on him, act as though yououtranked the general, and tell her you would not let her pass with thatquinine if the general himself was present. Just display plenty galland when you have go the quinine, bring the girl here, and I will abuseyou, and you take it like a little man, and all will be well. If shebites and scratches, some of you will have to hold her, but the bestway will be to argue with her, and persuade her by honied words, to comedown with the quinine. Go!"
"One word, colonel, before I go," I said. "About how many men should youthink it would take to hold this woman? You suggested three, but if oneholds her horse, it seems to me, from my knowledge of female kicking,biting and scratching, that I would need one man for each arm and foot,one to hold her head and choke her, if necessary, and one with a rovingcommission to work around where he would be apt to make himself useful.What do you say if I take five men!"
"All right, take six," said the colonel. "One may be disabled, or havehis jaw kicked off, or something. But don't detail anybody to searchher. Do that yourself, and do it like a gentleman. And above all things,do not let her kanoodle you with soft words and looks of love, becauseshe is full of em. If she can't scare you, with her indignation at theoutrage of arresting and searching her, she will try to capture you andmake you love her. You must be as firm as adamant. Now hurry up."
I picked out six men, four of whom were young Americans, ratherhandsome, and very polite, regular mashers.
Then I had an Irishman named Duffy, and a German named Holzmeyer, whowas a butcher. We went out on the road, to the school house, and I putthe Irishman on picket, and instructed the German about taking the horseby the bridle at the proper time. Then the rest of us got behind theschool house and waited. For two hours we waited, and I had a chance tothink over the situation. Here I was, putting down the rebellion, layingfor a woman, who was loaded. At home, I was a polite man, and full offun, a person any lady might be proud to meet and talk with, but here Iwas expected to do something, for thirteen dollars a month, to put downthe rebellion, which there was not money enough in the whole stateof Wisconsin to hire me to do. Was it such a crime to carry a littlequinine to a sick friend? Suppose a rebel was sick with ague, and I hadquinine, would I see him shake himself out of his boots and not give himmedicine? No, I would divide my last quinine powder with him. So wouldany soldier. If it was not treason to give one rebel a quinine powder,when he was sick, why should it be treason to take along enough fora whole lot of sick rebels? Did our government want to put down therebellion by keeping medicines away from a sick enemy? Were we to gloatover the number of rebels who died of disease, that we could save bysending them medicines? It seemed to me, if I was in command of thearmy, instead of arresting women for carrying medicine to their sickbrothers, I would load up a wagon with medicine and send it to them,and say, "Here, you fellows, fire this quinine down your necks, and getwell, and then if you want to fight any more, come out on the field andwe will give you the best turn in the wheel-house." It seemed to me thatwould be the way to win the enemy over, and that they would be thankful,take the medicine, get well, and then say, "Boys, these Yankees arepretty good fellows after all. Let's quit fighting, and call it quits."But I was not running the war, and had got to obey orders, if I brokeheartstrings and corset strings. I would have given anything to havegot out of the job. The idea of arresting a woman and searching her,and seeing her cry, and have her think me a hard-hearted wretch, wasrevolting, and I found myself wishing she would take some other road.May be she looked like
somebody that I knew at home, and may be she hada big brother in the Confederate army who would look me up after the warand everlastingly maul the life out of me for insulting his sister. Imade up my mind if anything of that kind happened I would tell on thegeneral and the colonel, and get them whipped, too.
"Phat the divil is it coming," said the Irishman. "Corporal of theguaod, the quane of all the South is coming down the road, riding a highstepper. Phat will I do, I dunno?"
"Stop her," I yelled with my teeth chattering.
"Halt right fhere yez are," said the Irishman, with a look on his facethat showed he was--well, that he was an Irishman, and had an eye forbeauty. The German had taken the horse by the bit, and I stepped outfrom behind the school house.
Great heavens, but she was a beautiful woman, and she sat on her horselike a statue. I had never seen a more beautiful woman. She was abrunette, with large black eyes, and her face was flushed with theexercise of riding.
She smiled and showed two rows of the prettiest teeth that ever were putinto a female mouth, and one ungloved hand, with which she handed me thepass had a dimple at every knuckle, and was as white as paper, and softas silk. I know it was soft, because it touched my red, freckled handwhen I took the pass. I did not blame the general for being in love withher, or for wanting to saw off the unpleasant duty of breaking up hersmuggling, on to a poor orphan like me. She said:
"Captain, I have a pass from the general, to go through the lines at anytime, unmollested."
"It is no good," I said, examining it. "This pass is evidently aforgery."
"But, my dear captain," she said, with a smile that I would give tendollars for a picture of, "The pass is not a forgery. I have used it formonths."
"I am not a dear captain, only a cheap corporal," I said, with anattempt to be at my ease, which I wasn't.
"There has been at least a wagon load of quinine smuggled through thelines on this pass, and it has got to stop; you cannot go."
"The dickens you say," said she as she drew her revolver, and sung out,"let go that horse," and firing at the German.
"Kritz-dunnerwetter," said the German, as he got down by the horse's forefeet, and held on to the bridle, "vot vor you choot a man ven he holtyour horse?"
"Madame," I said, "your revolver is loaded with blank cartridges, andyou can do no harm. Try another one on the Irishman."
"Hold on," said the Irishman, "and don't experiment on a poor man whohas a wife and six children. Shoot the corporal."
But I had reached up and taken the revolver from her, and she was weakas a kitten. Her nerve had forsaken her, and when I told her to dismountshe was like a rag, and had to be helped down. If she was beautifulbefore, now that she had started her tear mill, she was ravishinglyradiant, and I felt like a villain. She leaned on my shoulder, and itwas the loveliest burden a soldier ever held. I seated her on the stepsof the schoolhouse, and I thought she would faint, but she didn't. Shewas evidently taken by surprise, and wanted a little time to think itover, and form a plan. So did I. As I looked her over, and thought whatI was expected to do, I wondered where it would be best to commence. Shebegan to recover, smiled at me and asked me to have the other soldiersgo away, so she could talk with me. I wished she wouldn't smile likethat, because it unnerved me. She asked me what I was going to do withher, what caused me to suspect her, if I would not believe her if shetold me she was not a smuggler, if I had orders to arrest her, and allthat. I said, "Madame, my orders are to arrest all quinine smugglers, andyou are one. I am Hawkshaw, the detective. For months I have shadowedyou, and I know you have concealed about your person a whole drug store.In that innocent looking bustle I feel that there is quinine for themillion. Your heaving bosom contains, besides love for your friends andhatred of your enemies, a storehouse of useful medicines, contrabandof war. In your stockings there is much that would interest the seekerafter the truth, your corset that fits you so beautifully is liableto be full of revolver cartridges, while in your shoes there may bemessages to the rebels. I shall search you from Genesis to Revelations,and may the Lord have mercy on both of us. To begin, please let meexamine the hat you have on."
With some reluctance she took off a sort of half-stovepipe hat, andcovered her face with her handkerchief while I looked into it. I founda package of newly printed confederate bonds, and a quantity of courtplaster. That settled it. She cried a little, and wanted to go into theschoolhouse. I went in with her, and two of my soldiers.
I told her that it was a duty that was pretty tough, but it wasnecessary for her to disrobe, as I must have every article she had. Shecried, and said if I searched her, or molested her, I would do it atmy peril, and that I wouldn't know how to go to work to take off herclothes, anyway, and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. I told her Ifelt as ashamed as any gentleman could, and though I knew little aboutthe details of the female apparel, I had some general ideas aboutbustles, polonaise, socks, skirts, and so forth, and while I might beawkward, and uncouth, and nervous, as long as there were buttons tounbutton, hooks to unhook, and safety-pins to unpin, I thought I couldeventually get to the quinine, if she would give me time, and I did notfaint by the wayside, but my idea was that it would save all trouble,her modesty would not receive a shock, nor mine either, if she would gobehind the little pulpit in the schoolhouse, out of sight of us, takeoff her clothes, and hand them over the pulpit to us to examine. Shesaid she would die first, besides, she knew we would peek around thepulpit at her. I was getting very nervous, and perspiring a good deal,and wishing it was over, and I swore, upon my honor, that if she wouldgo behind the pulpit and disrobe, she should be as safe from intrusionas though she was in her own room. She swore she would not, and I wentup to her to commence unraveling the mystery. Her dress hooked up in theback, which I always _did_ think a great nuisance, and I began to unhookit. I wondered that she stood so quietly and let me unhook it, butafter it was unhooked from the neck to the small of her back, and I waswishing I was dead, she said:
"There, now that you have got my dress unhooked, a feat I never couldaccomplish myself, I will go behind the pulpit and take off my dress, ifyou will promise not to look, and that you will help me hook up my dresswhen this cruel quinine war is over."
I told her by the great Jehosephat, and the continental congress, Iwould help her, and that I would kill anybody who looked, and she wentbehind the schoolhouse pulpit, where a country preacher, very likely,preached on Sundays, and bent over out of sight, and it wasn't half aminute before she handed the dress over to me. In the pockets I foundseveral papers of some kind of medicine, and a few small bottles, sealedup with red sealing-wax.
"Now, the bustle, please, I said, in a voice trembling with emotion.
"Take your old bustle," she said, as she whacked it on the top of thepulpit.
Well, if anybody had told me that a bustle could be made to hold stuffenough to fill a bushel-basket, I would not have believed it. We filledthree nose-bags, such as cavalrymen feed horses in, with paper packagesand bottles of quinine. There were thirty bottles of pills, and salvesand ointments, and plasters.
"This is panning out first rate," I said, with less emotion. The emotionwas somehow getting out of me, and the affair was becoming more of amercantile transaction. It was like a young druggist going from the sideof his beloved, to the drug store, to take an inventory. "Now hand outthat other lot."
She evidently knew what I referred to, for she handed out over thepulpit a package just exactly the shape of what I had supposed, in myguileless innocence, was a portion of the female form. That is, I hadsuspected it was not all human form, but didn't know. That was also fullof medicines, of which quinine was the larger part, though there wasabout a pint of gun caps.
"Speaking about stockings," I said, "please take them off and hand themover."
Two very long stockings, came over the pulpit 185]
She kicked about taking off her shoes and stockings, and said nogentleman would compel a lady to do that. I said I would wait about twominutes, and t
hen, if it was too much trouble for her to take them off,I would come around the pulpit and help. Bless you, I wouldn't havegone for the world, as I was already more than satisfied with what I hadfound. She said I needn't trouble myself, as she guessed she couldtake off her shoes without my help. I heard her unlacing her shoes, andpretty soon two dainty shoes and two very long stockings, came over thepulpit, the heel of one shoe hitting me in the ear. As I picked up theshoes I heard the crumpling of a letter behind the pulpit, and I toldher I must have all the messages she had. She said it was only a letterto one she loved. I told her I must have it, and she handed it over. Iread, "My darling husband," and handed it back, saying I would not pryinto her family secrets. She began to cry, and insisted on my readingit, which I did. It was to her husband, an officer in the Confederatearmy, and was about as follows:
"My Darling Husband:--This life of deception is killing me. I want to do all in my power to help our cause, but I am each day more nervous, and liable to detection. The Yankee officers are frequently at our house, and I have to treat them kindly, but it is all I can do to keep from crying, and I am expected to laugh. I fear that I am suspected of smuggling, as the subject is frequently brought up in conversation, and I feel my face burn, though I try hard not to show it. I think of you, away off in Virginia, with your armless sleeve, our children in New Orleans, and I wonder if we will ever be united again. O, God, when will this all end. I have no fault to find with the Federal troops. The officers are very kind and through one fatherly general I am allowed to pass into our lines. I feel that I am betraying his kindness every trip I make, and only the urgent need that our dear boys have for medicines could induce me to do as I do. After this trip I shall go to New Orleans,{*} where I fear Madge is sick, as shew as not at all well the last I heard from her. Pray earnestly, my dear husband, every day, as I do, that this trouble may end soon, some way, and I beg of you not to have a feeling of revenge in your heart towards your enemies, on account of the loss of your arm, as there are thousands of federals similarly afflicted. I shall love you more, and I will wrap your empty sleeve about my neck, and try never to miss the strong arm that was my support. Adieu.
"Your loving wife."
That letter knocked me out in one round. I had begun to enjoy theunpacking of the smuggled goods, and the discomfiture of my femalesmuggler, but when I read that loving letter, breathing such aChristian spirit, and thought of the poor wife-mother behind the pulpitunravelling herself, I was ashamed, and I said to myself, "she shall nottake off another rag. So I handed back the letter and the dress, and allof the things she had taken off, and I said:
"Put everything right back onto yourself, and come out at your leisure,and we took the medicines and went out of the schoolhouse. PresentlyShe came out, and I told her it was my duty to take her back toheadquarters, but if she had no objections to my taking the letter tothe general, with the medicines, she could go back to the house whereshe boarded, and I thought if she took the first boat for New Orleans,it would be all right, and I would see that the letter was sent throughthe lines to her husband. I helped her on her horse, and I said:
"You can escape. Your horse is better than ours, and though you are aprisoner, we would not shoot at you if you tried to escape. I hope yourprayers will have the effect you desire, and that the trouble will soonbe over. I hope you will and the children well, and that the husbandwill be spared to be a comfort to you."
She bowed her head, as she sat in the saddle, and the look of defiancewhich she had shown, was gone, and one of thankfulness, peace, hope,purity, took its place. She handed me the letter, and asked:
"Can I go?"
I told, her she was free to go. She turned her horse; towards town,touched him with the whip, and he was; away like the wind. I stoodfor two minutes, watching her, when I was recalled to my senses by theIrishman, who said:
"Fhat are we to do wid the quinane and the gun caps?" We packed thesmuggled goods in our saddle-bags and elsewhere, and rode back toheadquarters. The colonel and the general were in the colonel's tent,and I took the "stuff" in and reported all the occurrences.
"But where is the lady?" inquired the general, after reading the letterand wiping his eyes.
"As we were about to start back," said I, "after taking the smuggledgoods from her, she gave her horse the whip, and rode away. I had noorders to shoot a woman, and I let her go."
"Thank God," said the general. "That's the best way," said the colonel."She will quit smuggling and go to her children."
*Eighteen months after the lady rode away from me, "leaving" her quinine, I was in New Orleans, to be mustered in as Second Lieutenant, having received a commsssion. I had bought me a fine uniform, and thought I was about as cunning a looking officer as ever was. I was walking on Canal street, looking in the windows, and finally went into a store to buy some collars. A gentleman came in with a gray uniform on, and one sleeve empty. He was evidently a Confederate officer. He asked me if I did not belong to a certain cavalry regiment, and if my name was not so and so. I told him he was correct. He told me there was a lady in an adjoining store that wanted to see me. I did not know a soul, that is, a female soul, in New Orleans, but I went with him. Any lady that wanted to see me, in my new uniform, could see me. As we entered the store a lady left two little girls and rushed up to me, threw her arms around my neck and --(say, does a fellow have to tell everything, when he writes a war history?) Well, she was awfully tickled to see me, and she was my smuggler, the Confederate was her husband, and the children were hers. The officer was as tickled as she was, and they compelled me to go to their house to dinner, and I enjoyed it very much. We talked over the arrest of the "female smuggler," and she said to her husband, "Pa, it was an awfully embarrassing situation for me and this Yankee, but he treated me like a lady, and the only thing I have to find fault about, is that he forgot to help me hook up my dress, and I rode clear to town with it unhooked." The Confederate had been discharged at the surrender, and I was on my way to Texas, to serve another year, hunting Indians. I left them very happy, and as I went out of their door she wrapped his empty sleeve around her waist, drew the children up to her, and said, "Mr. Yankee, may you always be very happy."
How Private George W. Peck Put Down the Rebellion Page 12
