by Lake, Alex
‘Was this your sister’s idea?’
They looked at each other in silence.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘She mentioned it.’
‘Of course she did.’
‘It was only an idea. She was being helpful.’
‘Well thank God she’s not trying to be disruptive.’ She took a series of deep breaths. This was no time for them to argue, and besides, she didn’t really blame him. It was no surprise he had come up with this after talking to Tessa. In recent years they had become closer, but it seemed Tessa was still ready to believe the worst of her.
‘Listen,’ she said. ‘I’m going to accept that you and your sister are simply trying to explore every avenue. But let’s put this to bed once and for all. I’m not having, nor have I ever had, an affair. Or a one-night stand. Or an ill-advised kiss at a Christmas party. I love you, and I would never do that to you. I’ve never even wanted to.’
The tension – some of it, anyway – drained from his face. ‘I never thought different,’ he said. ‘It was … I had to ask.’
‘After Tessa mentioned it.’
‘Yes. But she wasn’t trying to accuse anyone—’
‘Forget it,’ Annabelle said. ‘And let’s get back to finding our children.’
Birmingham, November 2004
1
Matt ran down the stairs of Chamberlain Hall. The bus to the station left in two minutes and it was a three-minute walk. If he missed it, he’d miss his train, which would put him into peak commuting hours on a Friday evening and a more expensive ticket.
Which he could do without. It was bad enough he was going home for the weekend – again – and he didn’t need to pay over the odds for the privilege.
He and Lindsey were giving it a try. She was loving it all: him, them, the pregnancy.
He was loathing every second.
On Tuesday she’d left a message for him to call. He’d wondered for a moment whether something had happened to the baby – he hated himself for the small burst of hope the thought gave him – but the pleasure in her voice when she picked up the phone made it clear there was no bad news.
I’m twelve weeks today, she said.
That’s wonderful.
It is. After twelve weeks the likelihood of something going wrong is much lower. We’re going to be parents, Matt!
He had ended the call terrified. Terrified about becoming a father, terrified by how much Lindsey was thrilled by it and terrified about what the hell was going to happen to his life.
A voice interrupted him.
‘You in a hurry?’ It was Guy. He was through the door, his arm around a girl Matt had met in the first week and not seen since. She was called Trixie, and was one of the most beautiful people he had ever met. It was amazing to him that she would ever deign to be seen with anyone other than a film star, but evidently Guy was in that category.
‘Got to get a bus. If I miss it, I’ll miss my train. And then—’ he held his hands up. ‘I have to go.’
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I can give you a lift.’
‘You have a car?’
‘Yeah. Want a ride?’
‘That would be amazing,’ Matt said. ‘You sure?’
‘Absolutely. You need to go straight away, right?’
‘Right.’
Guy smiled at Trixie. ‘You want to come?’
She shook her head. ‘I’ll wait in your room.’ She held up a sheaf of papers. ‘I can read through the script.’
Matt watched her walk up the stairs. He glanced at Guy. ‘Script?’
‘We’re in a play I wrote. That’s the script. You should be in it. I’ve got the perfect part for you.’
‘Thanks, mate,’ Matt said. ‘But I’ve got a lot going on. I have to be back home at weekends.’
‘Is that why I haven’t seen you around?’
‘Probably. I’ve been back a lot.’
‘Family trouble?’
‘You could say that.’ There was a long pause. ‘My girlfriend’s pregnant.’
‘You have a girlfriend? You and Annabelle had a thing, right?’
Annabelle. The sound of her name was like a punch in the stomach. And the fact that she had been talking about him to Guy made things even worse. There was an entirely different life he could have had, and it was in touching distance.
‘Yeah,’ Matt said. ‘We went out a few times.’
‘She seemed a little sad about you breaking up,’ Guy said. ‘But I guess if you’re going to be a dad it must be a serious relationship.’
‘It is. Kind of.’ Matt paused. ‘Do you see Annabelle much?’
‘Not all that often. But from time to time.’
He was about to ask if she had another boyfriend, but he stopped himself.
‘Say hello from me, would you?’
‘I will,’ Guy said.
‘And tell her I liked her too.’
Guy gave him an odd, pitying look. ‘Everything OK?’ he said.
‘Yes. It’s … it’s complicated.’
‘It always is,’ Guy replied. ‘Going to New Street?’
2
His dad met him at the station.
‘Back again,’ he said. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Good.’
‘You must be missing Lindsey?’
‘Yeah.’
They walked down the platform. The car was parked outside.
His dad started the engine, then turned to face him.
‘Is everything OK, Matt?’ he said.
‘Yes. Fine.’
‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’
‘No.’ There was plenty; the pregnancy for starters, but Lindsey had made it clear she didn’t want anyone to know in case her parents found out. She was terrified they would make her have an abortion.
‘Only your mother and I think it’s odd that you come back every weekend.’
‘It’s just to see Lindsey.’
‘You don’t seem that happy when you’re home.’ He paused. ‘You seem … weighed down.’
‘I don’t know, Dad. I’m fine.’
‘Well, if you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen. You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I’m your dad, and most of the time I’ll be able to help. So, anytime you want to talk, I’m ready to listen. No judgement, OK?’
‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘And if there are any problems, we can find a solution.’
Not for this we can’t, he thought. There’s no solution to this.
3
Lindsey took his hand and placed it on her stomach. The skin was smooth and warm.
‘The baby’s three inches long,’ she said. She smiled at him. ‘It’s a little person. Our little person.’
He felt as though he should be sensing something underneath his palm, as though the presence of another human being should register in some way.
He felt nothing. Her stomach was exactly as it had always been.
‘When do you start showing?’ he said.
‘In a few weeks. It’s different for everybody.’
‘You’ll have to tell your parents.’
She shrugged. ‘It’s winter. I can wear baggy clothes. I don’t want them to know.’
He took his hand from her stomach. ‘You don’t think we should tell them? It’s a big deal.’
‘No!’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t you dare say anything. They’ll try to stop us having it.’ She scowled, her eyes hard. ‘They’re my parents, Matt. It’s not your choice to tell them.’
‘OK,’ he said. ‘I was only asking.’
4
His sister was talking to him, but he wasn’t really listening. He was thinking about what Lindsey had said.
They’re my parents, Matt. It’s not your choice to tell them.
‘Matt,’ Tessa said. ‘I asked you a question.’
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I was miles away. What were you saying?’
‘I asked if you love her.’
‘I don’t know,
Tess. There’s a lot going on. It’s hard to tell what I feel.’
Tess rolled her eyes. ‘She’s a great person,’ she said. ‘We’ve been spending a lot of time together and she’s so lovely. I know you had a few arguments – she told me she shouted at you sometimes – but she said she’s more relaxed now.’ Tess shrugged. ‘Maybe it’s the baby. She feels more secure now she knows you two will be together.’
He felt a sense of rising panic. He was trapped and he was going to stay trapped. This baby was forever. He was too young to do this, too young to know how to deal with it. He needed help.
He needed his parents, and, unwittingly, Lindsey had given him the key.
They’re my parents, Matt. It’s not your choice to tell them.
Which was true, but his parents were his parents, and it was his choice what he told them. And, like his dad had said, no judgement.
‘Tess,’ he said. ‘I have to talk to Mum and Dad.’
5
His dad looked at his mum. She was cradling a glass of white wine.
‘We thought something was going on,’ he said. ‘And we’re glad you told us. This is not something you have to deal with on your own.’ He leaned over the kitchen table and squeezed Matt’s elbow. ‘We’ll help you with this, son. I promise.’
Matt felt 100 per cent better. Even though nothing had changed, it seemed like everything had changed. ‘Thanks,’ he said.
‘What do Lindsey’s parents think?’ his mum said.
‘They don’t know,’ Matt said.
She blinked. ‘They don’t know?’
‘She doesn’t want to tell them. I thought she should, but she said it’s not my decision.’
‘Did she?’ his mum said. ‘I see.’ She sipped her wine. ‘This is something her parents need to know about,’ she said. ‘She’s seventeen, and they are going to be massively affected by this. They have a right to know.’
‘I said I wouldn’t tell them,’ Matt said. ‘I promised.’
‘Maybe you did,’ his mum said. ‘But I didn’t.’ She looked at her watch. ‘Nine fifteen. It’s not too late to call, is it, Colin?’
‘No,’ his dad said. ‘I think it’s OK.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I won’t lie, Matt. This is a serious situation. But it’ll be fine. One way or another, it’ll work out.’
‘I don’t see how,’ Matt said. ‘I’m going to have a baby.’
‘For starters, you’ll be finishing university,’ his dad said. ‘If you want to. We’ll take care of the baby if needs be. Your life will go on, son.’ He pursed his lips. ‘But there’s a long way to go yet.’ He glanced at Wendy. ‘Time to make that call. You want me to do it?’
His dad handed him a bottle of beer. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘I told them.’
‘How did they take it?’
‘I talked to Craig.’ He sipped his beer. ‘I think he was in shock. He didn’t say much, to be honest. I explained that it had happened during the summer and Lindsey didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t give any reasons why. She can explain that.’
‘They’re probably talking to her right now.’
‘Yep. You can expect a phone call from her sometime soon, I’d imagine.’
Shit. He wasn’t looking forward to that call at all. She’d be irate; it had been a while since she’d really lost her temper at him – the last time was before she’d found out she was pregnant – but he was pretty sure she still had it in her to go off on one.
‘I also said that we’d support whatever decision Lindsey took, and would stand by the child, but that we wouldn’t expect you to let it get in the way of your studies. If you want to – and I hope you do – you can complete university. Your mum and I will help with the baby. And if you decide that Lindsey’s not the right person for you, then we’d support you breaking up with her. Obviously you – and we – would have to make sure you fulfilled your obligations to your child, but that doesn’t necessarily mean settling down and getting married at nineteen years old.’
‘OK,’ Matt said. He didn’t know how to say what a relief it was to hear his father say this; it was like a door in a dark room opening to show a path leading out into the light. ‘Thanks. I mean it. Thank you.’
‘I want to say something else, Matt. Maybe you and Lindsey will go on and be happily married for seventy years. I hope you do. But if you and her aren’t going to be happy, there’s no point – and you need to know that’s an option. Marrying your mum was the best decision I ever made; she’s been the source of my happiness – along with you and Tessa – for the last twenty-five years. And she will be for the next twenty-five. I want the same for you.’
‘Thanks, Dad. I love you. You too, Mum.’
‘I love you too, son.’ He finished his beer. ‘Now I suggest you put on the TV and wait for that phone call.’
The phone call came late, after Matt was asleep. He was woken during the night by the phone ringing. He looked at the alarm clock: 2.45 a.m.
He was about to get out of bed when he heard his dad’s voice.
‘Hello?’
There was a pause.
‘That’s fine, Craig. I’d rather you called if it’s important.’
Another pause.
‘What?’ His voice was shocked, but also something else. Angry, maybe. ‘Why would—’
This time the pause was long. A couple of minutes at least. Then his dad sighed. ‘I’ll talk to him. I don’t know what he’ll do, Craig, but I’ll talk to him. Thanks for calling.’
Then came a click as he put the receiver down.
Matt listened as his dad climbed the stairs. His tread stopped outside Matt’s door.
‘Dad?’ he called out. ‘Is that you?’
His door opened. ‘Hi,’ his dad whispered. ‘You awake?’
‘The phone woke me.’
‘Oh. That was Craig. I was going to let you sleep.’
‘I heard your conversation. What’s happened?’
His dad sat on his bed. ‘He talked to Lindsey. He and Sue didn’t think it was a good idea to keep the baby, so they tried to discuss that with her, but she refused to countenance it.’
He took a deep breath.
‘He said they told her they thought part of the reason she wanted the baby was to keep you and her together, so they explained what I’d said, about you not being under any obligation to do that, unless you wanted to.’
He squeezed Matt’s shoulder. ‘He said that she got very worked up and had a kind of fit. She was having trouble breathing, so they decided to take her to hospital. She didn’t want to go, but they insisted.’
He shook his head. ‘In the car she calmed down and said she didn’t need to go to the hospital, but Sue wanted to take her anyway. She was worried she would have another fit, and she was worried about the baby. So Lindsey owned up.’
‘What do you mean, “owned up”?’
‘There’s no baby.’
‘She lost it?’ Matt said.
‘No. There was never any baby. She made it up. She told them you’d broken up with her after you went to Birmingham and she was worried she’d lost you, so she made it up. She knew a doctor would figure it out, so she told them the truth.’
‘There’s no baby?’ He felt two stone lighter, like he was floating above his bed. This was over. Tomorrow he could go back to Birmingham and get on with his life.
‘Craig and Sue are very upset. They want to talk to you tomorrow morning.’
Matt felt bad for them. For Lindsey, too. But he was also angry. There was no guarantee he could pick up where he had left off with Annabelle.
‘I don’t know. I don’t want to talk to Lindsey.’
‘I understand that. They’ll come here. And then I’ll drive you to Birmingham and we can forget this whole sorry mess ever happened.’
6
He was woken by a knock on the door.
‘Lindsey’s mum and dad will be here in half an hour,’ his mum said. ‘And then we’ll drive you back.’
He got
out of bed and packed his bag, then went downstairs. He was finishing his breakfast when the doorbell rang.
His dad answered the door and brought Craig and Sue into the kitchen. They were unsmiling, their faces lined and tired.
‘Hi,’ Matt said.
‘Hi, Matt,’ Sue said. She looked close to tears. ‘We just wanted to say sorry. From us. Lindsey can do her own apologizing.’ The words were rushed, as though they had been rehearsed.
‘You didn’t deserve this,’ Craig said. ‘We’re truly sorry.’
‘That’s OK,’ Matt said. ‘It’s fine now.’
‘For you,’ Craig said. ‘But I’ve a feeling for Lindsey this is only the beginning.’
Sue glanced at him and gave a little shake of her head. She took a lilac envelope from her handbag. ‘She wanted us to give you this,’ she said. ‘You don’t have to take it, but I said I’d try.’
‘I’ll take it,’ Matt said. ‘Thank you.’
Sue handed it to him. Up close he saw she had tears in her eyes. ‘You’re a good lad, Matt,’ she said. ‘We’ll miss you.’
7
He read the letter in the car.
DEAR MATT
WELL I GUESS IT’S ALL FUCKED ANYWAY NOW SO I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU THE TRUTH. I LOVE YOU, MATT, I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS ANYONE EVER LOVED ANYONE ELSE. MORE, PROBABLY. AND I KNOW WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I MADE UP THE BABY TO SHOW YOU THAT. I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH AS SOON AS YOU’D REALIZED THAT YOU AND ME IS WRITTEN IN THE STARS.
IT’S FATE, MATT, AND YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FATE.
SO GO AND HAVE YOUR FUN BUT I WONT GIVE UP ON YOU. I’LL BE HERE FOR YOU, ALWAYS. AND I KNOW YOU’LL COME BACK EVENTUALLY BECAUSE YOU’LL SEE WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. THAT’S THE TRUTH, MATT. IT HAS TO BE. THERE’S NO WAY I CAN FEEL LIKE THIS IF IT’S NOT REAL. THE UNIVERSE ISN’T THAT CRUEL. I DID A BAD THING BUT I DON’T DESERVE TO LOSE YOU FOREVER.
SO BYE, FOR NOW. BUT REMEMBER I LOVE YOU.
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU. NEVER.
L
He folded the letter up and put it in the side pocket of his rucksack. He felt bad for her, and, in a strange way, he understood what she was saying. He felt the same way about Annabelle. It felt so right, it couldn’t be wrong.
