by Sandra Raine
I was lying on a cot in what appeared to be a hospital room. I was dressed in a gown and some socks. When my grogginess cleared and I made an attempt to sit up however, it became painfully obvious to why I was in a clinic dressed in only a gown and some socks; the emptiness inside me had given away to truth: My baby had been aborted.
"You need to rest, Jane," Tanya suddenly admonished me from out of nowhere. She was standing at my side, removing a few stray hairs from around my dejected eyes.
"You could have been an aunt, you know?" I grumbled like a giant slap to her face. I was sure Tanya was going to gripe about my bitchy remark but she only nodded and left it at that. I laid back down and stared up at the ceiling feeling that much more emptier and absolutely alone. I had wished for my mother to have been here to comfort me instead of Tanya. I sniffled back my tears and just thought about going home.
A petite brunette in a Doctor's overcoat walked into the room a minute later and ushered Tanya to a side. The two conversed about my misfortune and the favor to Dominic which, and according to the Doctor, was complied.
"I'll let Dominic know." Tanya then nodded, glancing in my direction unsteadily.
"Bring her back in a couple of days and we'll get her started on the birth control." Tanya again nodded and the Doctor walked out of the room without so much as a sympathetic glance in my direction. Bitch! my mind spat.
I was discharged a half hour later. Dominic and the cousins were already lounging in the lobby looking bored but very quickly they rose to their feet when they saw Tanya and me approaching them.
"Did you get it done?" Dominic queried Tanya.
"She needs plenty of rest, Dom, particularly - "
"I know," Dominic acknowledged forcing Justin and Josh to acknowledge the same. Dominic looked at me but I shunned him a cold shoulder and clutched my purse to my chest instead.
We stopped off at a local IHOP to eat but I wasn't hungry. After, we headed back to Dominic and Tanya's house where Dominic suggested I spend the night with Tanya. I called my parents and lied and said I had a big test to prepare for and I needed Tanya's help and that it would be late by the time we finished. And not very much to my surprise my father agreed.
I showered in Tanya's bathroom as opposed to Dominic's. And I slept in Tanya's bed as opposed to Dominic's. But somewhere within the middle of the night I crawled into my own bed and cried and cried. I cried 'cause I was missing my life. I cried 'cause I feared for Bree. I cried 'cause of the loss of my baby. I cried 'cause I wanted to die but even I knew I couldn't, not with Dominic and the cousins around to harm my family and Bree so that that they could make themselves feel better if they should one day lose their thousand dollar whore.
I felt restless, and I had school tomorrow, and the test wasn't a lie just the preparing part of it was. I glanced at my bedside clock, it was after two in the morning and I needed to sleep. I dragged myself out of bed and headed to my parents' bedroom and tip-toed into their bathroom. I rummaged through their medicine cabinet for any type of pain killers and sleep aids but the only thing I came across was my mother's valium. I popped open the lid and popped one into my mouth prior to stealing a few.
Back in my bathroom, and just as I was settling the pills into my cosmetic pouch my eyes caught a glance of one of Dominic's jerseys hanging behind the bathroom door through the bathroom mirror. And the sight of his jersey alone made my stomach turn and my blood boil profusely as I remembered the month Dominic made himself very comfortable in my bedroom playing the role of a boyfriend rather than that of a pimp. And what possessed Dominic to have that sort of relationship with me was beyond me. I mean, it wasn't like we sat around and talked and watched TV and played video games like we were a couple. I mean, and I had presumed, Dominic to be my pimp, a constant guardian, the enforcer and the disciplinarian all wrapped up in one, and that, too, was confusing. And I really didn't know why I played alongside him? I mean, it wasn't like I enjoyed it. I mean, I was only doing what he was forcing me to do like the way I did with "work" only because I feared him to death, so maybe that was why?
I slovenly yanked Dominic's jersey off the doorknob and pulled a pair of scissors from one of the bathroom drawers and began snipping it to pieces. I then stormed back into my bedroom and picked up another jersey and a t-shirt from off my dresser which I intentionally kept in plain sight hoping one of my parents' would see the shirts and question me about them but unfortunately it never happened and snipped those into pieces, too. I then picked up the tattered fabrics and tossed them straight into my bathroom's trash bin along with his toothbrush, his deodorant and body sprays without so much as a fucking conscience - kind of like the way he aborted our baby, without so much as a fucking conscience!
Later that morning I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. And in the farthest distance I could hear the sound of a horn blaring, then it just stopped. A couple of minutes later Tanya strolled into my bedroom looking radiant and refreshed but her radiance gloomed the moment her eyes swept over my distraught appearance.
"Shit!" She bitched pulling her cell from around her back pocket. "Dom, Jane's not looking so well." she said sighing out mechanically into the receiver. Tanya then took a seat on my bed and placed a hand against my forehead. "No, she's not dressed. She's lying down. She feels warm though." A long pause. "I don't think it's a good idea." Tanya then argued. Now another pause only longer. "Okay! Okay!" She then blurted frustrated.
"Dom thinks it wise you go to school, Jane." Tanya said hanging up her cell. I ignored Tanya and turned on my other side to avoid listening to her. "C'mon, Jane," Tanya then mused. "At least make an attempt. I mean, you don't want your parents' to suspect. . .something. . .I mean, and just between you and me, I don't think you'd want Dominic breathing down their backs, either."
I immediately tossed back my bed covers and sprung up from my bed like Linda Blair on crack! "Are you fucking threatening me?!" I seethed. And if my head could have spun a 360 with that questionable remark, it would've!
Tanya shot me a contemptuous look and stood up. "We'll be waiting out in the car."
I popped another valium before shoving the rest of the pills inside the outer pocket of my backpack. I then took one last look in the mirror before heading out: Ponytail, check. Bruises masked behind foundation, check. Black sweat suit and tennis shoes, check. I was ready.
"Morning, sweetie." my mother cheerfully greeted me from the stairs as I passed her on the way down. I, too, ignored her. "Jane?" her voice then quickly grew cold, adamant - she despised being ignored. I gritted my teeth.
"Leave me the hell alone!" I spat. I heard my mother gasped behind me in absolute shock which continued to linger long after I slammed the front door shut.
The back door to Dominic's Hummer was already opened as I quickly hopped in. I meant to slam that door, too, but my mother - much to my surprise - held back the door from closing. She then gazed at me and I gazed at her as if she were a stranger 'cause that's how I slowly began to view both my parents the more time I spent with Tanya and Dominic who were both starting to grow on me like a bad-fucking-weed!
"What?" I snarled as if my mother was beneath me instead of above me. I was treating her the way I treated Tanya with a lack of disregard and respect. A wave of embarrassment then swept over my mother's commanding presence 'cause I was embarrassing her in front of my so-called "friends". But I didn't give a fuck! I just wanted to get to school.
"What do you mean what?" She retorted, and quite aggressively.
"Yeah, what?" I repeated in the same aggressive manner. "I'm going to be late for school!" I bitched.
"You're already late. . .The three of you!"
"And?"
"And what?"
I rolled my eyes and shoved my mother's hand off the door. "Let's go, Tanya," I said slamming the door in my mother's face and locking it. "Well?!" I shouted, and that's when Dominic slammed down the gas pedal on his Hummer and sped out of my driveway. I leaned back in my seat and bit down hard on m
y lower lip. A wave of fear then swept over me 'cause I wasn't exactly sure how Dominic was taking to my impudence.
"What's with you?" Tanya demanded me from the front seat. "Are you fucking crazy, or what?"
"What?" I then scoffed. "Like you've never talked back to your fucking parents?"
"Jane," Dominic cautioned. I could see he was trying to make an effort to remain calm. So I shut my mouth and shifted in my seat and stared out the window to mellow out the rest of my impending anger.
The first bell had already rang when we got to school. Dominic and Tanya both hurried off the Hummer swearing beneath their breaths 'cause I had made them late for first period but I didn't give a shit 'cause I wasn't going to class; I was heading straight to the nurses office to sleep off the valium.
Chapter 27
The first thing I heard after arriving back home from school was my father's voice. "Jane, in the living room, please."
And the second thing I also heard was my mother's scolding about how she and my father are not obligated to say "please" to any of us kids. KIDS! I mean, was my mother freaking insane?
I rolled my eyes, tossed my backpack onto the buffet table and sludged into the living room, flopping myself down on the sofa to face both my parents with minimal interest.
"How was school?" my father started to say but my mother interrupted with a stern elbow bump against his rib cage forcing my father to readjust his posture and his sentiment.
"Your mother said you mouthed off to her this morning?"
I shrugged my shoulders neither in denial nor admittance. I was craving another valium. And I remembered that I needed to sneak back into their medicine cabinet soon before I started to run low. And just in case my mother decided not to renew her prescription.
"I didn't mean to." I sympathized falsely as my thoughts continued to ramble on, on how I had to get upstairs and get those pills before going insane.
Be polite, Jane. Answer the questions, Diamond. Pretend you're sorry, okay? my emotions fretted. I clenched my teeth and bowed my head.
"I'm sorry, mom." I fibbed.
"What's troubling you?" She instead retorted, sipping on a glass of wine. Wait! My mind suddenly interjected my thoughts to stare at her troubled: Since when did my mother start drinking during the day? "It's just a glass, sweetie," my mother then quickly responded; she had caught my troubled expression. "Wine's good for the heart. Did you know that, sweetie?"
How many glasses have you had, exactly? "Um. . .no." My mother smiled and took another sip. "Nothing's troubling me," I fibbed again. "Just been having trouble sleeping." I mumbled.
"School wearing you down?"
I forced a smile, yet all the while thinking on how desperately close I was to telling her the absolute truth, about how I was being forced to have sex with Dominic and his cousins and various men at all hours of the night, and how it was them who were responsible for my "wearing me down" syndrome.
Or shall I just keep my mouth shut and have a glass of wine to rid all my problems like she does?
"Something like that," I concluded.
"Hmm," my mother droned. "It'll pass." She sympathized, upturning an ear toward the direction of the kitchen. "Oh!" She exclaimed suddenly, and literally jumping up from the loveseat. She almost spilled her drink all over my father. "Sorry, dear," my mother then apologized to my father. "My cell's ringing." My father and I watched as she staggered from one room to another, bumping into things. My mother actually resembled a human pinball machine.
"I thought she said she only had one glass?" I interrogated my father in somewhat of a troubling manner after she walked out of the living room.
My father shook his head and smirked. Then it occurred to me that my father was a very beautiful man particularly when he smirked. "Try a bottle and a half." He chuckled somewhat embarrassed. Wait! Did my father think he was talking to another woman and not necessarily to me, his daughter?
"And you allowed it?" I chastised. I guess I was "another woman" particularly with that remark; a remark that even took me by surprise.
"No, sweetheart, I did not." My father refuted seriously. "She was already drinking when I got home."
I scrunched my forehead, confused. "You were gone this morning?"
My father nodded. "Had some business to take care of."
"Hmm," I then nodded into nothing in particular.
My father and me, we are silent for a moment with him looking at me and me looking at him which I found utterly strange considering that in these past few months I had conditioned myself to not make any kind of eye contact with any man I crossed paths with, which also included Dominic, Justin and Josh. But in this case my father wasn't just any man, or even just some random "John" paying big money to lay on top of me. No. This was my father which had me pondering on why I was suddenly feeling uncomfortable in his presence? And why I was perceiving him as a "John" and not so much as a father also began to trouble me? Had I somewhere, somehow poisoned my mind with the same poison men have poisoned me with? Was I subconsciously yearning to engage in sex with my own father? Or, was I just yearning for that love, that trust, that security, that warmth only a father can bestow onto a daughter in a way no other man could do? Could it be the power of a father's love truly and unarguably outweighed all troubles and thoughts plaguing a daughter? And if so, why was I fearing Dominic? The cousins? Them? Why haven't I opened up and told my father anything?
"It's for you," my mother suddenly said to my father, interrupting the silent of my unconventional interlude with him. She was holding out her cell phone to him and dangling it in a manner that seemed to have inconvenienced her as she was no longer drunk but sober and not to content.
Reading my mother's expression, my father quickly took her cell, bolted to his feet and walked out of the living room in quickened steps.
Upstairs I made a quick pit stop in my parents' bathroom and stole a few more pills of valium. I popped one pill into my mouth as I was aimlessly crossing the upstairs den from my parents' bedroom to my bedroom only to have my recklessness seized with Bree unexpectedly calling out to me.
"Hey, Bree." I then greeted her anxiously, and beyond an unnerving smile - the pill had slowly bypassed my thirst for water and slid harshly down my throat instead. I tried to keep a straight face even though I was on the very brink of making that soured expression we all tended to make when swallowing pills raw. And a great part of me desperately hoped she hadn't seen me popping that pill into my mouth. So to not give her any opportunity to pry, I quickly divert the conversation.
"I thought you were still in school?"
Bree giggled. "Today was half-day. Want to watch some TV with me?"
"What's playing?"
"Spongebob."
"Again, Breanne?"
Bree's face soured. "What's wrong with Spongebob?"
"Nothing. I think he's great!" I said changing my tune once I grasped that all my groveling wasn't her fault. "Give me a minute, okay?" Bree nodded, and we both parted ways and in opposite directions with me heading to my room to settle my backpack and drink some water.
Bree and I watched TV for about an hour and a half. We lounged in her bed with me holding her close to my body as I feared letting her go. I knew Bree was safe here, in our home, with our parents who seemed to cater to her every need and fuss over her every boo-boo. But then my mind drifted to her future, to her growing up, going to high school, to where I began to anxiously wonder if she would cross paths with kids like Tanya and Dominic, cousins like Justin and Josh who will all pretend to be her friends then stab her in the back when she least expected it? Maybe it was a good idea to move, as our mother suggested we did six months ago. But what good will moving do if there was a possibility my misfortunes could happen in another city, in another school? Or, did it just happen here in Arizona 'cause we were a border state?
I shifted uneasily on Bree's bed from those horrid thoughts and that's when she said she no longer wanted to watch TV and wanted to draw ins
tead. And so we drew. Next, she wanted to play a board game. And so we played. Then it was time to eat dinner.
After dinner my mother volunteered me to wash the dishes so that she, Bree and my father could take a drive, maybe stop somewhere for some dessert. I had been invited to go but I wasn't in the mood. I was actually starting to wear down. And that second pill I popped earlier began to take its toll.
I bypassed homework and opted for a shower instead 'cause I was still feeling icky from the abortion, and went to bed with my thoughts heavily set on Dominic, on my incessant fear of him when in actuality I should have shifted those thoughts onto Justin who was now in my bedroom holding a finger to his lips as his other hand pressed down over my mouth. I construed his finger gesture as a precaution to keeping my voice low since my eyes were lit up in questionable fear.
"I need you to come with me," he then said, slowly removing his hand from my mouth. I quickly sat up and glanced at my bedside clock: It was just past midnight.
"It. . .it's late." I argued quietly, yet fretfully before taking a moment to glance around my bedroom. I spotted Josh but not Dominic. "Where's Dominic?" I could hear the urgency backed by fear instantly clinging to my tone as I quested Justin.
"He's downstairs. . .in the car." Josh said matter-of-factly.
"C'mon, Jane," Justin sheepishly urged, ushering me out of bed. Without question, and for the sake of argument, or perhaps it was the after effect of the valium, I gave in and slovenly slid out of bed and into a pair of Keds and followed Justin out of my room with Josh lagging behind to close the door quietly behind us. We then headed toward the staircase but the unexpected sound of a bedroom door creaking open suddenly froze us in our tracks. And suddenly I was paralyzed with fear. For a moment I feared turning around, turning to face whoever was standing behind us. And then I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to thank my lucky stars over the "whoever" 'cause I would finally be rescued.
