When you learn to rely on yourself for validation, on the other hand, you rest peacefully at night. You will be learning more about how to do this in the recovery section of the book, but let’s look closely now at why you find it so difficult to give yourself credit.
Am I Arrogant?
Many daughters are afraid to give themselves credit. On the rare occasions when they do, they feel as if they are behaving like a narcissist or at the very least, acting arrogant, like their mothers. If you are worried about emulating your mother in this way, remind yourself that the true narcissist has “a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.”3
The narcissist is arrogant in disingenuous ways, and most times with nothing to back up the bragging spree. She needs to make herself look bigger than she really is because she feels inadequate. But most high-achieving, Mary Marvel daughters have a ton of very real achievements because they have worked so hard. It is not narcissistic to be proud of your achievements and accomplishments. You do not need to brag, but give yourself the credit you deserve. By giving yourself credit where credit is due, you can help slow down the rat race of do, do, do. Feel good about what you have already done.
Am I an Impostor?
Another reason high-achieving Mary Marvels have difficulty giving themselves internal praise is a fear called the “impostor syndrome.” Someone who suffers from the impostor syndrome is unable to accept and claim her accomplishments, no matter what level of success she has achieved or maintained. She may have abundant proof of her hard-won accomplishments, including wealth and material goods, but remains convinced that she either doesn’t deserve her success or that she is just a fraud. She dismisses outward signs of accomplishments as just luck or good timing. An “impostor” usually feels as if she has been deceptive, having made others think she is more intelligent or skilled than she believes herself to be. Most people who admit to feeling like impostors are women, although there is some evidence that many men feel this way too.
High-achieving daughters of narcissistic mothers are at great risk for the impostor syndrome because we were raised to feel we were never good enough. When a woman does not feel worthy internally, she believes that she is undeserving and cannot accept success or recognition.
• Lonnie, 46, a very bright, accomplished owner of her own clothing company, puts it this way: “I have a knack for appearing competent when I don’t think I really am. I’m always worried that someone will find out that I’m not really very good at my job. I just know how to put on a good show. This bothers me and I know someday someone will find this out and call me a fake.”
• Ellen, 57, a successful real estate agent, does not attribute her success to her own efforts: “Every time I make a big sale, even though I know I worked my butt off, I regard it as luck or just a fluke that the money came my way once again and predict that the next time will be a failure.”
• Karena, 38, recalls how she felt right after receiving her Ph.D.: “I actually wrote that damn dissertation, but believe me, I won’t ever let anyone read it. I don’t want anyone to see how dumb it sounds. It is amazing I got that degree. Maybe my field is a particularly easy one or the professors felt they had to pass me after all this time.”
In the above examples, you see how women discount their real successes. In addition to these tendencies, high-achieving daughters tend to disparage themselves and play down their positive attributes because they fear that someone will find them arrogant. This behavior is a holdover from growing up as the target of Mother’s envy.
An article titled “Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome” details some narcissistic family dynamics.
Attitudes, beliefs, direct or indirect messages that we received from our parents or from other significant people in our lives early on may have contributed to the development of impostor feelings. Certain family situations and dynamics tend to contribute to impostor feelings: when the success and career aspirations conflict with the family expectations of the gender, race, religion, or age of the person, families who impose unrealistic standards, families who are very critical, and families who are ridden with conflict and anger.4
High-achieving daughters with the impostor syndrome are at great risk for “generalized anxiety, lack of self-confidence, depression, and frustration related to inability to meet self-imposed standards of achievement,”5 and cannot usually stop proving their worth until they work through a recovery program.
Even after extended and repeated experiences of success, the impostor feeling does not appear to lessen. This is the lasting power of internalized messages. Incredibly competent women share the following stories:
• Lillian wants to relax and rest on her laurels, but cannot. “I could never measure up as a kid. If I brought home a B, it was always ‘Where’s the A?’ If I cleaned the bathroom, I had to redo it because it wasn’t clean enough. Now as an adult, I am a successful screenwriter and should be able to finally feel some success, but I never give myself credit because I never know when the next shoe will drop. Something could happen that would make my proud self sit in shame once again.”
• Cassidy always questions herself: “I went to medical school and did very well. I have found deep passion in helping other people and love my job. People call me ‘Doctor’ and look up to me and ask for my help and advice. Even though I can see I have these important skills now, I wonder if I dare allow myself credit for all this hard work. I am a high achiever and always have been, but Mother always warned me, ‘Don’t get a big head.’ ”
• Lela, 59, makes certain that she takes care of herself, but though “I feel good enough at times, it never lasts long. My self-esteem can get shattered easily. Self-doubt is but a thought away. My husband often says to me, ‘Do you have any idea how awesome you are?’ I am truly astounded that I get awards. Why would they pick me? My résumé is about six pages long, but I can’t even say ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”
• Jeanie, 45, reports, “The odds were stacked against me. I had no support at home. I got validation at school. I would enter speech contests, I played sports, I was valedictorian. But inside I cried myself to sleep at night. From age 14 to 20, I was clinically depressed and didn’t know it. School was my outlet. That is where people would say I was smart and okay. I would accept my awards with my head down and hunched over. I covered myself with a lot of clothes in my teens. I had a nice figure, but I wanted to hide from people. No confidence really. I was so modest. I could not strut my stuff or Mother would have emotionally abused me. I still underplay myself to others. No one gave me any guidance. In business, I managed to go from nothing to making it in the corporate world. With no insight in how to do it, I am in public relations and a seasoned professional now. I know I have worked hard, but I always feel like a fraud, an impostor. Putting myself down. It is an exhausting way to live.”
The narcissistic mothers of these talented, seasoned, even wise and self-aware women hijacked their young accomplishments. But now they continue to do this to themselves. I find comfort and inspiration in this favorite passage by Marianne Williamson, and hope you will too. And I hope you will start the recovery process in part 3.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.6
Does the Glass Slipper
Fit?
If you find you fit the description of Mary Marvel, know you are not alone. Your path to recovery will become clear in part 3 of this book. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers got the message to do well—but not too well, because they might outshine Mom. I don’t want to give you a mixed message too, so let me say again that your accomplishments are truly a marvel. You have overcome great odds and are an amazing woman and now you need to care for yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. Then you will be able to enjoy the marvel that you truly are and cherish yourself as you deserve.
CHAPTER SEVEN
* * *
WHAT’S THE USE?
THE SELF-SABOTAGING DAUGHTER
Chrissie too saw the advantages of the hard-work escape route, but did not take it. There was a perverse, wicked, rebellious streak in Chrissie, which has led her to a kind of liberation. She was a shrewd little thing, and she had seen what was happening. What good did it do you to work so hard, to pass your exams, to go to university like a good girl? You ended up miserable, cooped up, trapped just the same.
—Margaret Drabble, The Peppered Moth1
All daughters of narcissistic mothers to some extent give up along the way. For each one of us was but a child, not a seasoned warrior, when we had to begin to fight battle after battle for our own identity. Not one of us has been able to fulfill our mother’s expectations. Those of us who did not become overachievers to prove our mothers wrong chose the polar opposite route and took our anger out on ourselves, unwittingly sabotaging our own efforts. Feeling angry at Mother for creating a no-win situation in which she will never approve of us, in effect we say to Mother, “See? I’m proving that I can’t be who you want me to be!”
The self-saboteur is the high achiever’s internal twin. Although they’ve taken different paths and created contrasting lifestyles, their internal landscapes and emotional issues are the same.
Are you a self-saboteur? Some of the traits include:
1. Giving up
2. Numbing the pain with various addictions
3. Staying stuck in self-destructive lifestyles
4. Underachievement
Here are some stories of self-sabotaging daughters of narcissistic mothers:
• Taryn always plays it safe. Rarely can she point out an instance in her adult life where she took risks for what she wanted. “I am an underachiever because of the ‘never feel good enough’ message. The fear of failure keeps me from doing the absolute best. If I keep on the middle road, I don’t have to deal with failure. I have big ideas and aspirations, but they are dreams rather than goals. I think, Oh, that would be nice to do, but I don’t do it. Maybe I wouldn’t be good at it.”
• Sandra readily describes herself as an underachiever. “I don’t feel the need to be great at anything I do. I was never good enough anyway, so why bother trying? I bought a flower shop at age 50, but I never really worked hard at it to make it successful. I never strived to be competitive in work. Just get the job done.”
• Sally always has an excuse for missing every opportunity, and says, “I tend not to get involved. I shy away from things. I am very smart, but not confident. I could have done more, but I was afraid and I was not encouraged. The main message I got was just to get married, and that’s what I did.”
Why do some daughters become high achievers and some self-saboteurs? I have found that, most times, the high achievers had someone special in their lives, a grandmother, aunt, father, or close relative who gave them positive messages to offset or confront the negative ones from their mothers. Many times this special person was loving, and empathetic, and nurturing. The self-saboteur often did not have someone like this to help her or, if she did, did not have him or her long enough to make a difference.
Why Self-Sabotage?
The self-saboteur’s patterns and emotional problems are usually a survival response to her unhealthy upbringing. Rarely does any one of us make a conscious choice to be self-destructive. If, however, a child lacks maternal support and nurturing, she will most likely have difficulty understanding and processing her feelings. If your mother denied her own feelings, then she would not have allowed you to have any of your own either.
Young children believe that Mother is the true source and has all the answers. If a mother dislikes her child, or thinks she’s not good enough, the child believes she’s unlikable and inadequate. If someone does not challenge this distortion and show the child that she is worthy and precious, she will internalize these negative beliefs and eventually decide that she cannot be different.
Let Me Numb My Pain
Left with buried and unprocessed feelings, the daughter begins to find defense mechanisms to cope with her unhappiness, sadness, and emptiness. She may become severely depressed or develop eating disorders, addictions to drugs or alcohol to attempt to self-medicate the pain and inadequacy she feels, or other emotional disorders that disguise or divert attention from the origin of her misery. This becomes a vicious cycle that keeps her numb and immobile. She maintains her inability to accomplish healthy things for herself and in turn reinforces her feelings of worthlessness. She pushes people away with destructive behaviors, which leaves her lonely and empty.
• Sherri’s behavior escalated over a period of several years. “I was into sabotaging my life. Lots of sex, looking for love. Started to drink alcohol in high school. I even became a kleptomaniac a couple of years ago, a great escape that went on for about a year. It was like drinking, except the focus was on stealing. I could get away from the pain. But such shame! I had turned on myself.”
• Unable to motivate herself to make changes in her life, Meredith, 28, is a classic example of low self-esteem. She went to college but didn’t apply herself, and eventually dropped out. She is aware of how she is hurting herself but can still accurately predict, “If I try to do something important, I tend to have severe panic attacks.”
• Athena and her sisters all have eating disorders. “My older sister is anorexic and I am bulimic. Another sister is both! We were all hospitalized for the eating disorders and had to have sessions with Mother. She always blamed it on the media, but she constantly puts people down who don’t look perfect. She says awful things like, ‘How can that woman eat like that? She eats like a pig. And look at that woman’s hair!’ At the beach she would make comments on people’s bodies and their cellulite. I am overweight now and probably always will be. I have given up.”
• Nelly, 35, tells me, “Since I was little, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I went through long periods of depression and was even hospitalized for it. Many times, just making it through the day was my goal. I often wanted to find the highest building and, you know, take a flying leap. I eventually figured out that I couldn’t get angry or have feelings. I numbed everything, good and bad. When I realized that something was wrong with how I was raised, I began to make some big changes.”
• Gail, having lived for years in a state of denial, just recently leveled with herself about what her life has become: “I’m a flippin’ alcoholic. So was Mom, and I swore I’d never be like her! The worst part of this is how destructive it is to my life. I can have great things happen and right before I reap the reward, I go get drunk and mess it all up. It is like I sabotage everything good, and I get nowhere!”
• Never able to measure up to what her mother wanted, MariAnn got into drugs early in her teen years and at age 26 is still fighting the addiction. “It has caused me a life of disaster,” she reflects. “I used to work for a doctor’s office and got in trouble for taking prescription pain medicine out of their cabinets. I thought it was cool until I got caught and was actually charged with a crime. I go to Narcotics Anonymous now and have become sober, but it took me a long time to realize that I was sabotaging everything good in my life. It makes me so sad to think about all the years I wasted.”
• Damaris is coming to terms with some painful truths. “Feeling unlovable has some devastating effects. I am
always feeling like I will be rejected or not accepted, so I find I cannot be assertive with anyone. I just learned in therapy that I am passive and don’t stick up for myself. This passivity has cost me jobs, relationships, and even a baby that I gave up for adoption when I didn’t want to. It all makes me cry.”
• Candy has been working extremely hard in therapy to release herself from her mother’s legacy. “The irony of it all is that I don’t feel like I can start living until my mother is deceased. I call it ironic because she brought me into this world. I feel like I am connected to a ball and chain. My struggle for freedom and happiness will only happen when she is gone. Why do I feel like my life will begin when her life ends?”
• Christy tells me, “I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed two years ago and was floored by that reality. I discovered that my family dynamics and my mother’s behavior were the root causes. I can also see that my grandmother passed this down to my mom. I have two sisters, and they have both had to deal with their issues with alcoholism and overeating. I am hoping we can all resolve our emptiness inside. I also need help in understanding who I really am and what I want out of life. I am 43 and am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I am miserable in my current career.”
• Misty frequently uses the word “sabotage” in describing her efforts. She feels that she invalidates virtually every good thing that comes her way. “I know this is a result of something with my mum,” she says. “From an early age I’d created a kind of fantasy world in my mind where I was loved and talented because my mother always admired gifted children. Even in my teens, I’d play music and close my eyes and could be anything, usually a great singer, dancer or guitarist, in my mind. At 18, I had a few guitar lessons but was certain I could never be the player of my dreams so gave up. I also enjoyed line dancing until I observed the UK champion; then I thought, Well, what’s the point? I can never do anything for the pure fun of it, so end up flitting from one thing to another, getting nowhere. I flounder. Perhaps I am looking for a way to impress my mum before it’s too late. I’m not sure what I am looking for or even if I know my ‘true self.’ ”
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 10
