• In every relationship, Coral has worked harder than the man. “I keep everything going when things don’t work out. I feel responsible for everything. I don’t hold him as accountable as I hold myself.”
• “My pattern is to pick men I can control completely,” Charlene says. “Then I can’t get hurt. I pick people underneath me or less accomplished than I am. When I got married, I was screaming in my head, No, no, no. I knew then, but I kept going.”
• Marlene says, “I always got into relationships with people who were messed up and needed me. My last boyfriend tried to kill himself when I broke up with him and had to be hospitalized. I always got the boys that were down on their luck. I do the same thing with girlfriends. I am everyone’s adviser.”
• Kate, 64, relates the following: “My relationship patterns are not good. I usually picked the wrong men. My first husband was abusive, physically and emotionally; my second husband was an alcoholic and a drug addict; and my third husband is an addict and felon. I smother, take care of them, and try to fix everything. I often get to a point where I have had enough and then I go on. I tend to try to impress and over-love somebody to make him love me.”
• Margie is a single career woman. “My relationships are always kind of nonemotional. Kind of like a business, rather than an emotional connection. Not feeling fulfilled. Finding that there is something missing from that person that I could find elsewhere. Feeling the sensation of being trapped at times. I am the codependent, the caregiver. I’ve always wanted to be the dependent one.”
• Dee Dee, 72, looks back at her marriage and her children. “I learned codependency. I see it with my husband and with my kids too. If I just do this or do that, you will love me more. I feel like I lost a lot of my identity and I am now finding myself again. My husband doesn’t value me for who I am, only what I do for him. I’ve always been the pleaser, the peacemaker, making sure everything is okay and nobody is upset.”
Until a woman has discovered and claimed her own sense of self, she will be frightened by a competent man who can actually meet her needs as she in turn meets his. A healthy man doesn’t want to be controlled or mothered, and he also wants to give in return. He understands how to be interdependent. The codependent needs to understand and realize that her behavior as a codependent is in truth her defense mechanism for her own dependency. It is her way to rail against these dependent needs and try to show that she is strong and in control and doesn’t need anybody, when in reality, she does, as do we all.
It is much easier for the codependent to accept and face her issues than for the dependent, because the codependent looks stronger and more competent on the outside as she is running that basketball floor and making those baskets in victory. Who wants to admit that they are a dependent soul? Doesn’t it sound better to say, “I am a caretaker,” than to say, “I want someone to take care of me”? Dependents don’t openly admit to this tendency and so they have a more difficult time getting in touch with this part of the narcissistic legacy. It is an eye-opener to most codependents, however, when they realize that their codependent behavior is a disguise for deeper unmet needs. They somehow have to see themselves as more powerful than they are to override the pain. In recovery, however, codependents do recognize their dependent issues.
The Dependent Relationship
The dependent daughter in a relationship is also looking for a partner to fill the emotional void and the emptiness left by a narcissistic mother. Her partner becomes the replacement for her mother, and he enacts the what you can do for me part of the relationship.
Relationships go through stages. The first stage can be characterized by feelings of “cloud nine” surreal fascination. I call this “la-la land,” where the dependent daughter is in hog heaven. She has found a guy to take care of her and give her everything she didn’t get in childhood—a dream come true! It looks perfect in the beginning because all conflict is put on the shelf and control given to her partner. What could be better? She didn’t get the love she needed in childhood, and now Mr. Right is going to fulfill her every dream!
In the end, however, Mr. Right becomes Mr. Mistake. The dependent daughter has unconsciously chosen a man to take care of her who will likely become codependent. She will end up stifling him with her overwhelming demands, jealousy, and insecurities. She will want him to be with her at all times and expect him to meet all her needs, particularly her emotional needs. When he cannot do this, she will be angry, like her mother had been, which will confuse and frustrate her partner. The daughter, too, will end up in a lot of pain as she reenacts her relationship with her narcissistic mother in a role reversal. She will feel the same disappointment and emptiness she felt as a child, and blame her spouse for not being good enough for her. Her sense of entitlement will spring into action, resembling Mom as she rails, “If you love me, you will do these things for me, and I deserve and expect this [entitlement].”
• Lise recalls that she stayed uninvolved in her early years and had lots of partners. “I never let anyone get too close. When I did get married at age 31, it was all about what he could do for me. When he couldn’t do for me, I left. It had to be my way or the highway.”
• Sarah Jo, 44, relates, “My emptiness shows up in my relationships. My empty feeling seems to go away when someone is enamored with me and I get a honeymoon feeling; then, when it is not there, I feel empty. It takes on a somatic element—I physically feel heaviness in my chest. Not cardiac, have had it tested. It physically feels like a hole.”
• Dawn, 30, says, “I choose men who can’t love me—the emotionally unavailable types. My mother did this too. I do it on a grander scale, quantity wise, and my grandmother did the same thing. Then I have to work really hard at not being too needy as my dependency kicks in.”
Although we have seen the distinct patterns of the codependent and the dependent adult daughter, it is important to understand that you can switch back and forth between these two relationship dynamics depending on where you are emotionally at the time. You can do this within one relationship; you can also become one or the other with different men. Although this sounds confusing, it is best understood this way: The daughter of a narcissistic mother has unmet needs and therefore displays some neediness. The codependent behavior is a disguise to cover up the neediness and display strength and competence. When under stress, her neediness will come out and she will look like the dependent.
The Loner
The loner wears different hats, some healthy, some not. As a part of recovery it is often advised that the daughter of a narcissistic mother spend some time alone to focus on herself and learn how to fulfill her needs for herself. She may need to slow down for a while to accomplish this healthy “loner time.” Even if she is married or in a relationship, she can spend some time alone in order to work on her authentic self.
The unhealthy loner, however, is the daughter who has decided she is so damaged or unlovable that she can never be in a relationship. Usually because she has had a series of bad relationships, she has given up on herself. She wants to have love in her life, but believes nothing can change and decides to just go it alone from here on out. She has great fears of connecting again because she is aware that her “relationship picker” has been damaged by her narcissistic mother’s messages, and this fear prevents her from finding what she wants in a love relationship. She avoids the dating scene, is lonely but stays alone anyway, and her feeling of “I’m not good enough” becomes a mantra for her life.
• Marcia, 59, trusts no one but her dog. “I am angry that I have spent the best years of my adult life in unhealthy relationships trying to capture the love and approval my mother withheld. Only because my life exploded on all fronts did I gain the perspective that I had been blind to the recurrences of unhealthy childhood dynamics. I’m nearly 60 years old now, so much life has gone by, and I’m basically alone today. Guess what? I’m staying that way! It’s far too risky to do anything else.”
Having been the
re myself for a time, I know that this woman just needs to complete her own recovery. When she does, the world will look better. I tell my clients that you cannot trust men without trusting yourself and your “relationship picker.” You can’t have the word TR_ST without the letter U. Hanging in there and reviving yourself is the answer for this kind of loner. I’ll show you some ways to restore your faith in your own intuition.
Another kind of loner has made a conscious decision after recovery to spend her life without a love relationship. She truly has no fears barring the way to a relationship and her decision is a healthy one. I don’t know many women who do this, but the ones I do know are in a state of self-fulfillment; they have made a good decision for themselves. Who can argue with this? Even if most do not choose this route, it can be a healthy place to be.
Post-Romantic Stress
She did not know how to love me and I don’t know how to love you.
—Sidda Walker, in
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood2
• Savannah, 38, relates, “When I met my husband, I wouldn’t let him in emotionally. It took me years to feel the love for him that I have now. I didn’t love him then the way I am able to now. Or my children. It took time to learn it. I used to feel it for my cat, but not for people. All my feelings were numb, even the good ones.”
In summary, daughters of narcissistic mothers face a number of serious struggles in love relationships, including shame and feelings of not being good enough. Relationship failures are often the main reason they seek therapy in the first place: They don’t understand why they keep making the same mistakes and they fear that their “stupidity” in choosing the wrong men can never be rectified. You may know how painful this can be for yourself, your sister, or your friends. Many of my clients are in a state of hopelessness and depression when they begin therapy, but I am always happy to inform them that there is good news and hope. When a daughter chooses to invest in herself, face the wounded childhood and history, and complete the recovery process (to come in part 3), things begin to change. Learning to stop the repetition compulsion, to separate from your mother, build your own sense of self, and free yourself from the damaging internalized messages, you set out on a whole new healthy, optimistic journey. My client Kimberly puts it like this:
• “I have worked through the deep-rooted narcissistic abuse from my childhood, so I am now living a happier life with myself, my son, my husband and family. I have given up the old hope of getting my mother’s love. In turn, the love in my heart is overflowing and more powerful than I ever imagined possible.”
We are almost ready for the recovery section to see how Kimberly and others have accomplished the above. But before we do that, there’s one more arena we must take a look at: what happens when we become mothers ourselves.
CHAPTER NINE
* * *
HELP! I’M BECOMING MY MOTHER
DAUGHTERS AS MOTHERS
I keep praying that I am saving for my children’s college education and not for their therapy.
—Bonnie, 38
Giving birth to a child is a life-altering experience. When your first child enters the world, you enter the new state of “permanent parenthood” and remain there forever. For most women, the experience of bearing a child is blessed with intoxicating excitement and anticipatory visions for the future. For daughters of narcissistic mothers, however, it can also be blighted by unrelenting fear and anxiety.
The fear is of being like Mother, of emotionally orphaning your children or harming them in some other way. You worry about not feeling good enough to do the job—whether because you carry that nagging belief around with you everywhere, or because you know you lack certain skills you will need as a parent. Perhaps you haven’t yet fully come into your own identity. Whatever its origin, your fear is very real.
• Mattie’s apprehensions about becoming a mother brought her into therapy. “Getting pregnant was the scariest thing ever for me. I didn’t have a need to be pregnant and have kids. I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids. I was worried that I would be a horrible mother, like mine was, emotionally and physically abusive. Would I be? What if I turned out to be just as crazy as she?”
• For Kylie, having a child brought back many memories of her childhood. “My mother did not connect with me. I felt like she never saw me.” Kylie felt that she had to give her daughter what she hadn’t received. “Whenever my daughter would make a sound,” she told me, “I would say, ‘I see you, Lacy. I see you.’ ”
• Lavonda reports, “I was so excited when I first got pregnant but very worried, too, that I was going to mess up my kids. I did a lot of therapy while I was pregnant and wanted to have a big talk with my mom then, but my therapist advised me not to. I so wanted my mother to hear me, but my therapist made me realize it was unlikely that this would happen. I mostly worried that I would be narcissistic too. I don’t want to smother my baby like my mother did me.”
• As a young adult, Mia felt very much alone. “I was alone, sad, empty, and involved with drugs and alcohol. I would picture having a family and cry about it. Since I’ve had my own family, I don’t feel quite so empty, but I know I fill the emptiness by being the mother that I wanted rather than the mother that I had.”
• Sidney relates this story: “I still have fears that I will be like her. My ex-husband says that I have traits of my mother. One time, he said I looked like her because I was smoking a little cigarillo, and he said, ‘You are just as pretentious as your mother.’ I never touched those again. I turned pale and put it out. I just hope I am not like my mother in my parenting style!”
To have worries and fears about your parenting is normal, but the women above have concerns that are a few steps beyond those of most mothers-to-be. Of course, we strive to do the right things for our children, and none of us wants to pass along our own undesirable legacy. Breaking the cycle is a challenge when you have no positive role model as a mother. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel as if we are blazing our own trail of love in raising our babies.
If you see yourself making mistakes in parenting, don’t panic. You don’t have to be afraid even if you have learned or inherited some narcissistic parenting traits. This does not mean that you are narcissistic. You can change. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to allow yourself the awareness of possible mistakes you could make or have made, and work to correct them. This chapter is designed specifically to look at the pitfalls many of us face.
Warning: The Risk of Doing the Opposite
If a daughter swings to the other end of the continuum and acts the opposite of her mother, she stands a good chance of creating the same dynamics that she’s trying so hard to avoid. The key lies in finding a middle ground on which you can stand as a loving parent with your own values.
Typically when we want to change something, we think in black and white terms. Let’s say you want to work on explosive anger and aggressive behavior. You switch to the opposite end of the emotional spectrum and start behaving in passive, meek, quiet, nonassertive ways. Being explosively angry means you are stuffing feelings until they explode, and being passive and nonassertive probably means you are not expressing your emotions either. Your goal is to go to the middle and become assertive, but it takes a while to get there.
If you want to parent in different ways from your mother, remember that the middle ground you find ultimately needs to be based on your value system and beliefs, but it can indeed include some of your mother’s beliefs. For instance: Maybe you like a clean house, as did your mother, or you plan to stay with the same religious denomination, or have strong beliefs about the importance of education, but you want to parent with a special ear for your child’s emotional needs, which is likely very different from your mother. You don’t completely throw the baby out with the bathwater and just go the total opposite direction with everything. We begin to see mistakes when we do this.
If you had an engulfing mother, for instance,
you may decide you will absolutely not be a smothering mother, but end up doing the opposite, so the child feels ignored on some level. Jaime tried too hard not to smother her daughter, Chelsea, and on the first day of kindergarten her little girl, who had just turned five, was found crying in the classroom. She wanted her mother to sit with the class for a while like some of the other parents. Jaime, bound and determined not to be an overprotective mom like her own mother, had gone overboard the opposite way.
If you had an ignoring mother, you may decide to give your child so much attention that you end up engulfing her. Rosaline found that she could not let her child alone. “I had to be involved in everything she did and everywhere she went because I was so afraid she would think I didn’t care like I felt with my mother. When she was twelve, she set me straight by telling me to get a life, as she was kind of sick of me.”
Another example may be how you handle praising your child. You were never praised or encouraged, so you overdo it with your children. Terra created a situation where her daughter not only felt entitled, but also believed she could never measure up. “My sixteen-year-old broke down in tears the other day. I sat with her immediately and began to tell her all the wonderful things I could think of and how awesome she was. I found out that I was ‘overpraising’ her and she felt like she was a fake in trying to please me and that she could never measure up to all the things I thought about her. Damn. I over-did it, I guess. I was trying to be so different from my mother.”
• Marlene’s mother was very strict and did not allow her children the freedom of speech, space, and choices they needed. She decided to be super lenient with her children, and they turned out to be kids with no boundaries, unable to manage their own behavior. “I was bound and determined to let my kids be. I wanted them to feel total freedom and not be caged and stifled like I was as a child. But I soon discovered that all that freedom led two of my daughters to getting in trouble with the law and enough speeding tickets and accidents to break my pocketbook in insurance and car repair bills. I guess I should not have gone that far.”
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 12
