The Untreatables
If your mother has a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the chances of effective treatment for her, or change, are slight. While I would never say it’s impossible, it would require intensive, long-term, committed treatment, and most important, her desire to be treated. It is quite rare for a person with true NPD to seek therapy for herself and to genuinely want to change and grow personally. In my experience, NPD clients who do seek therapy are searching for answers in how to deal with someone else. If they do express a desire to work on themselves, they drop out of therapy rather quickly, usually telling me that they need to find a therapist with a different approach. Typically, in their eyes, there is something wrong with me, the therapist.
My favorite story is from a few years back when my therapy fee was $100 per session. In the midst of my explaining what constitutes good mother-daughter communication, this rather aggressive mother began searching frantically in her purse. She then dragged out a $100 bill along with her cigarette lighter and proceeded to light the bill on fire, saying, “This is what I think of your therapy advice!” I had to laugh. Thankfully, the daughter and I put out the fire and ended that infamous mother-daughter session quickly.
The more traits your mother has that fit the disorder, the less likely she is a candidate for successful treatment. This means that you can’t fix her and should not be attempting it. Since she is not going to change, you may then ask whether or not you should continue to have contact with her, particularly if her behavior causes you significant emotional distress.
Toxic Mothers
We have to acknowledge that a narcissistic mother may be too toxic to be around. In many situations, daughters have to make the choice to disconnect completely from their mothers because the toxicity damages their emotional well-being. While others around you may not understand it, this is a decision that you get to make for your own mental health. Cherise reports, “I have learned to have compassion for my mother, knowing about her own hurtful childhood, but today, I choose not to associate with her.”
Mandy says, “About six months ago, I made the final attempt to reach my mother emotionally and could not. I feel sorrowful because I do believe in the natural order of relationships, and it would have been nice to have a mother-daughter relationship, but it is not to be and I have accepted that.”
“I didn’t talk to my mother the last ten years of her life,” says Antoinette, 60. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had spent many years trying to make her love me and trying to make everything okay. It was sad. When she died, I found out from the sheriff. We went to clean things up at her house and found a note on the bulletin board that said that she had forgiven us for being so horrible to her. They sent me her ashes, and I put them in the car. I couldn’t even take them into the house. I sold that car and forgot to take the ashes out. It was a little weird calling those people to tell them to destroy the ashes I had left in the old car. People are always shocked that I couldn’t make it good with her, but they really don’t understand what she was like!”
This sad, extreme example is more common than you might think. I have known daughters who felt tremendous relief when their narcissistic mothers passed away. They feel delivered out from under a huge burden, but guilty about admitting it.
If your mother is indeed unchangeable and you find yourself being constantly abused by her, it is important to know that disconnecting from her can be healthy. When you decide to make this choice, however, make sure that you have completed your own recovery work. If you simply detach and remove yourself from your mother without doing your own work, you will not diminish your pain and your true self cannot emerge to the peacefulness that you desire. As Dr. Murray Bowen reminds us in Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, “Less-differentiated people are moved about like pawns by emotional tensions. Better-differentiated people are less vulnerable to tension.”2
Thankfully, not all mothers with narcissistic traits are lost causes. Daughters do choose to stay in a relationship with more workable mothers, and to create a different kind of connection. I call this “the civil connection.”
The Civil Connection
In the civil connection, daughters of narcissistic mothers change the dynamic of their interactions with Mother by having less contact. When they are in touch, they keep the situation light, civil, and polite, but make no attempt to be emotionally close. This is a good option for daughters who do not want to give up their mother totally, but have accepted that she is incapable of true mothering.
The daughter is in touch with her mother without having expectations and consequently suffers few disappointments. This arrangement works best after you have completed your recovery work, which ensures that you have accepted your mother’s limitations and separated from her properly. Without having adequately separated, you are at risk for being sucked back into the narcissistic family dynamics. As stated in chapter 11, your goal in separating is to be able to be “a part of and apart from” your mother and family of origin. This means you have developed sound boundaries around yourself. For some daughters who are in the midst of recovery, but not feeling strong enough to be around Mother yet, I recommend a temporary separation.
The Temporary Separation
Although your mother will not typically be happy about this, it can be very helpful for you to take a hiatus from her for a time while you are going through your recovery work. This gives you time to heal and work through the feelings and not be constantly triggered by her behavior. It’s perfectly fine to tell Mother that you are grappling with some of your own issues and you need some personal space for a while. You can tell her you will contact her if there is an emergency that she needs to know about and ask that she do the same. She does not have to like this. She may throw a fit. But that’s okay—you say it, and then you do it. If she does not leave you alone, you will have to learn to set boundaries with her, which we will discuss below. You are in charge of your life, not your mom. She may up the ante, so to speak, and try some manipulation as the women in the stories below describe, but it is your job to stand your ground. Your recovery is at stake.
• Michaela, 46, says, “I’ve distanced myself from my mother from time to time, but she finds ways of manipulating me into helping her with things she needs done. This irritates me to no end. If I don’t call her back, she calls and calls, like a stalker!”
• And Myra, 38, reports the following with sadness: “About two years ago I became aware of narcissism and realized, after a lifetime of insults, that she is the one with the problem. Since that time, I have been courteous but limited our time together and have definitely set up some separations and long-awaited boundaries. She has been even worse since then; she seems to realize she can’t control me anymore. This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.”
You need to know how to set boundaries with your mother, how to make them stick, and how to follow through.
Setting Boundaries with Mother
Setting boundaries means clearly stating what you will do and what you won’t do. It is letting people know where you stand and drawing a line they are not allowed to cross. It means setting limits. Many people in general are fearful of setting boundaries because they worry about others’ feelings. “If I set a boundary, I will hurt Mother’s feelings.” Daughters also fear setting a boundary because it will make their mothers angry. “If I told her I was not coming to dinner because I needed to rest and take care of myself, she would be furious!”
A very common reason that daughters don’t set good boundaries with their mothers is that they fear abandonment. “If I tell her to back off, she will never speak to me again, and I don’t want to lose my mother totally. I’ve seen her cut off other people and then that’s it. She could do this with me too.”
Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad. Everything is black or white to them. If you have seen your mother do this, yo
ur fear of abandonment is very real. But you must assess it in realistic terms. If she has already abandoned you emotionally, she truly does not have the power to do much more that could wreak equal or similar devastation.
Janelle, 36, cites why she can’t set boundaries with her mother. “She will get mad, never forgive me, turn the whole family against me, and then cut me out of the will. I need some inheritance money, and my children deserve that too.” This is a decision only you can make, but generally, consider that your own mental health and sanity hold a higher value than money that may or may not be passed on through your mother’s will. Learning how to set boundaries for yourself is a way to manage your life, your time, and your health. It is a necessity of healthy living.
So, let’s say you have now set a boundary with Mother and told her you will not be seeing her for a while due to your need to focus on some of your own therapeutic issues. You did this by saying to her, “Mom, I am working on some personal issues and I need to tell you that I will not be available for our Sunday dinners for a while. I need some space and will not be calling you. When I am finished, I will let you know. I do not want you to call me during this period, unless it is a bona fide emergency. I am not angry and this is not about you. It is about what I need right now.”
Your mother may quite reasonably ask if everything is okay, and you can respond that you are fine and reassure her again that you are not upset with her. If she is indeed narcissistic, she will assume it is about her, so I know you are thinking right now, Oh, no, that won’t work! But it will work if you follow through. She may indeed try to manipulate and call and even drop by. Your job is to keep setting the boundary by not responding once you have told her this. She rings the doorbell and you don’t answer. She calls you and you don’t answer. She stalks you and you tell her again in firm tones that you are serious about this. How she decides to deal with this is her problem and not yours. You are not responsible for her feelings. The key to making boundaries stick is for you to stick to them! You can be very kind about this and gently remind her that you will be back in touch when you are able to do so.
As you begin to get comfortable setting boundaries, you will find it helpful to set boundaries with your mother over many issues and situations. Let’s do some practice ones so that you can refer back to them when you are having trouble.
Your mother says: “Honey, there appears to be a lot of dust in your house. Look at the coffee table. I know you’re a working mother, but your family deserves a clean, sanitary home.”
You say: “Mom, this is my house. I am comfortable with my level of housekeeping. I appreciate your concern, but if my family finds this a problem, we will deal with it.”
Your mother says: “I brought you some diet pills, honey, because I’ve noticed you’ve put on a few pounds lately. I did a lot of research and these are the best I could find.”
You say: “Mom, if I decide that my weight is a problem, I will address this issue with my doctor.”
Your mother says: “Every time I see my granddaughter, her hair looks like a damn rat’s nest. When you were a child, I never let you go out of the house without grooming you properly. Don’t you care about how your daughter looks?”
You say: “Mom, I am very proud of my daughter and who she is becoming, and I am not particularly worried about how her hair looks today.”
Your mother says: “I need you to call me every day to check on me. I could have a heart attack and you wouldn’t even know. I would lie there alone suffering, and what would people think?”
You say: “Mom, if you are really worried about this, there is a practical solution. They make safety alarms that you can wear. This device alerts 911 if there is a medical emergency.”
Your mother says: “I can’t believe you are actually getting a divorce. What on earth did you do to mess up this marriage, and how am I going to explain this to the family?”
You say: “My relationship decisions are mine to make, and it is very hurtful to me when you cannot be supportive and helpful.”
Your mother says: “What do you mean, you’re not coming to my house for Thanksgiving? You know how hard I work to cook for this family. You know we always do Thanksgiving at my house. How could you do this to me?”
You say: “Mom, now that I’m married, I want to be involved with my husband’s family also. Holidays will be a little bit different from time to time.”
Setting firm boundaries allows you to feel comfortable in any situation, particularly when you are with an intrusive mother. It takes practice and restraint, but do not respond to your mother’s reaction in a hostile manner. Set the boundary and, if she does not respect it, remove yourself from the situation. You can set healthy boundaries kindly and courteously. You do not have to act angry, resentful, or defensive. You are making a statement and drawing your line in the sand for what you need, how you feel, and sometimes to make a point about what is not okay. Rather than engage in an argument, simply state your boundary over and over until your mother takes your point.
Another strategy for dealing with your mother may be to consider mother-daughter therapy sessions.
Taking Mother to Therapy
When I ask my clients the question “Would your mother attend therapy with you to discuss mother-daughter issues?” most laugh and even scoff a bit. The more narcissistic your mother is, the less likely she will choose to attend therapy with you to address your feelings about your relationship. It is difficult and sometimes impossible for a narcissist to feel her own feelings. She typically projects her emotions onto others and is unable to reach inside to sort and feel. Remember, you can’t heal what you cannot feel, so narcissistic mothers usually tend to stay away from their inner emotional life. If your mother has never dealt with feelings or owned her own issues, therapy will be a waste of time. Many mothers walk out of therapy sessions when the issues relate to something that they have done wrong or that is hurtful to the daughters. It is typical of the full-blown narcissist to blame her daughter even in therapy and in front of the therapist.
This puts you in a horrible bind—you yearn for a healthy relationship with your mother and are willing to put the work in, but your mother refuses the notion that she needs help.
• Rosanne, 30, tells me, “I couldn’t get my mom to go to therapy with me. But while I was in therapy, I talked to her about it. She was a freakin’ basket case! She denied everything. All I wanted to hear was ‘I’m sorry’ and all she could do was cry and say she had such a horrible daughter. Crying. Victim. No empathy. I would never ask her to go to therapy again.”
• Monica’s mother tried going to therapy with her, but ended up fighting the process and blaming Monica, while also worrying about her image as a mother. “Going to therapy with Mom was a trip! She would go, but it was a disaster. She got very defensive and it really was an exercise in her not hearing a word I was saying because she was too concerned about herself and how she looked to the therapist.”
In many situations, mothers who have fewer narcissistic traits are actually open to learning and growing. With these mothers, there is hope that healing can happen between mother and daughter both in therapy and outside of therapy. Most daughters know instinctively if their mother is a candidate for this or not. They can tell based on their prior experiences with Mom when they attempted to discuss feelings or difficulties in communicating. Even though it is hard for mothers to deal with, some can look at themselves clearly and decide they want to work on the important relationship with their daughter or daughters.
My client Gerda, 62, admitted to having some narcissistic traits and was also a daughter of a mother with severe NPD. She had had significant pain in her own relationship with her late mother, whose emotional hold was as strong as it had ever been. Gerda could see the negative effects on her life and how these had affected her own parenting. She truly wanted to work on healing with her three daughters. Unfortunately, the daughters were too hurt and saddened to try. They had given up on Gerda and did n
ot believe in her ability to change, so the mother-daughter sessions have yet to take place. Being ever hopeful, I think there will be a day when I can see them all together. Sometimes daughters have to do their own recovery work first in order to be ready to face Mom and all that therapy entails. The daughters are young and still have some work to do, but are lovely people about whom I feel very hopeful in the long run.
Time is a big factor to consider when determining if you will do therapy with your mother or not. Sometimes the timing is not right and it is more productive to wait until all parties are ready. The mother, Gerda, was able to step back, do her own recovery and address the generational issues with her daughters. I rarely see this, and I continue to tell her she is amazing and I am so proud of her.
If you do begin mother-daughter therapy and your mother is abusive or emotionally shut off and blames you for everything, I suggest that you stop the session and talk alone with the therapist. Ask whether or not it seems productive to continue having your mother in session with you. The therapist should be your ally in this recovery process and helpful to you. Your sessions should not perpetuate the abuse and blame that your mother has already heaped on you. If you feel strongly that you do not want to continue with your mother and your therapist disagrees, you will need to take some time to think about your decision carefully. In the end, trust your own intuition about whether or not the time is right.
What to Tell Mother About Your Own Therapy
This book gives the steps in the recovery program that I use with my clients so that you can do your own personal therapeutic work. That said, working with a therapist one on one can be extremely beneficial for you during this time as well. If you decide to go this route, please keep in mind that it is up to you and you alone whether or not to tell your mother that you are even attending therapy. Therapy is a confidential relationship for a reason, and no one needs to know you attend unless you want to tell them. This includes your mother.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 18
