A Look at Parenting
For readers who have children, this topic is of great importance. Many women I’ve interviewed express fears about their own parenting. Young mothers are typically more optimistic about their parenting skills, but as they and their children get older, some women begin to see some familiar effects of narcissistic behavior in their children. Understandably they begin to panic.
• “I tried to do everything different from my mother in raising my own children, and we still had problems. What can I do now that they are becoming teens and young adults?” pleads Scarlett, who is now in her fifties. “I see my children not being accountable for their behavior and using substance abuse as a way to numb feelings. This terrifies me.”
Here’s what I believe happened in my own pass down to my children (admittedly, this is only my perception and my children may disagree). As I was growing up, I had pinpointed many things that I did not want to do as a parent, and as an adult, I spent years studying child development and psychology to support me in changing generational patterns. From the moment my first child was born, I worked earnestly to parent differently. Despite all of this, I learned the hard way that how we behave in general shouts at our children, while our direct parenting interactions with them seem more like whispers. Even though I did everything I could to be as good a parent as possible, I still ended up modeling for them that I did not feel good enough within myself. This went on for a long period of time, until I entered my intensive recovery program. Of course, I never told my children that they were not good enough (nor did I ever believe that for a minute), but they saw in my own struggle for worthiness how I viewed myself. It feels as if I inadvertently modeled that nasty message and so passed it on against my will. In my clinical research, I have seen the same with other daughters.
The behaviors and attitudes that we model for our children are of the utmost importance. Because we can unconsciously pass along negative beliefs and attitudes, our own recovery as mothers is a must. I am dedicated to educating other women about this risk and necessity so that we can all work to eradicate the painful legacy of narcissism from our lives and our children’s lives.
I am sure I have many other blind spots as a parent. My commitment to myself and my children is to keep all doors open for healing. I encourage you to do the same. To open the passageway for new understanding of each other is a great gift, one that for most adult daughters could never become more than a dream because our own mothers could not be open to change. The good news is that it is entirely possible to change for our children and to change their legacy.
Begin to assess your own parenting. Acknowledge the painful reality that it is impossible to be a child of a narcissist and not be somewhat impaired narcissistically. Anyone raised this way has probably acquired a few traits of narcissism. I know this is not what you want to hear—I had trouble admitting it to myself—but you must face this before you can attempt to remedy it.
Remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder. Full-blown narcissistic personality disorder sits at the extreme negative end of the continuum, but most people exist around the other end. Most people have some self-regard, and this is normal.
When you begin to work on accountability in this area, you may find that no one around you is as supportive or reassuring as you would like. Your own inner voice may chime in and tell you this is yet another sign of “not being good enough.” I want to be clear and supportive with you on this matter: Identifying your own narcissistic traits and working on them is responsible and self-nurturing, and it proves that you are taking yourself and your recovery seriously. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to learn to manage and control your own feelings and behavior. Remember, your recovery is lifelong. You can’t tie it to one minute or the next. There is no need to feel shame or guilt. You are taking yourself out of the “victim” role and developing an adult self that is strong, self-reliant, and loving—a self that is quite good enough.
You do not travel alone in your desire to be a good-enough parent. Few things in life carry the responsibility and weight of being a mother. The same awareness and desire also carry forward into being a grandmother and a great-grandmother. Your maternal instinct to do it right is a deep longing of the female soul. We all make mistakes and wish we could do better. When we make mistakes with our kids, it is difficult to let ourselves off the hook, because the errors affect those we love the most. Even if you had no narcissism in your background, it would still be impossible to be a perfect parent. I have yet to meet one. In fact, if someone ever came to me in my role of mental health provider and claimed to be perfect in the parenting realm, I would likely grab the DSM and begin to assess some kind of delusional disorder. I will always remember the day that my best friend, Kay, said to me after discussing some parental mistakes we both made, “I sure do like you better, Karyl, now that you have taken yourself out of the race for mother of the year!”
Below are key tools to parenting in a healthy manner—without narcissism.
Empathy
Empathy tops my list, as it is the cornerstone for love. Lack of empathy is, of course, a trademark of narcissistic mothers. Empathizing with your children is feeling what they are feeling and acknowledging those feelings. It is the art of compassion and sensitivity, as well as the ability to give moral support in whatever they are experiencing. You do not have to agree with them, but you are there for them. You put aside your own feelings and thoughts for the moment and tune in to their emotional needs to attempt to understand where they are coming from and why. Instead of citing rules or trying to give advice and direction, try this empathy exercise instead.
To empathize involves identifying the feelings your child is expressing and telling him or her that you recognize the feeling in the moment: “I hear that you are angry.” “You are feeling sad.” “I see that you are very upset.” Being able to show empathy to a child at any age makes him or her feel real as well as important as a person.
This is difficult to do when a child is upset with you. Whenever you find your child’s feelings to be threatening or upsetting, remember that empathizing is not agreeing, it is acknowledging a real feeling. For example, my five-year-old granddaughter asked for a cookie before dinner. I said, “No, we can have one after dinner.” In a typical five-year-old manner, she then said, “I hate you, Nana.” Well, I know she doesn’t hate me and so does she, but she was angry that she did not get a cookie right then, and that was okay. I was able to say to her, “Honey, I know you don’t hate your Nana, but you are mad right now because you want that cookie, and I understand that. I would like to have a cookie, too, right now, but we have to wait until after dinner. It is okay to talk about our mad feelings, though, and I am glad you told me.” In this example, my granddaughter needed to feel validated and acknowledged—then she was just fine. The temptation in situations like this is to get angry back at the child and even punish her, which only makes the child feel as if she has to stuff or muffle her own feelings. Your anger or punishment will also make the situation worse, and feelings will escalate.
Older children and teens often are purposely disrespectful to you. In this situation, you do have to set boundaries, but in order for your child to feel heard, you still have to acknowledge the feelings behind the words. For example, an out-of-control teen may call her mother a derogatory name because she is angry about not being able to go to the mall, but the mother must set limits and consequences for this abusive behavior. At the same time, she can acknowledge the feeling that the child is upset. It is surprising to parents, the first time they do this, how effective it is in deflating kids’ balloons of anger. The child can often become more reasonable because she has been seen and heard. She has been given a voice.
When my son was about 12 years old, he came home from school one day very angry and began throwing things around in a huff. When we later sat down to dinner, he picked up a plate and slammed it on the table. My first instinct was to tell him to knock it off and go t
o his room, but I said, “Honey, something is terribly wrong. You are very angry. Let’s talk about what is wrong.” This immediately deflated the big red balloon of anger and he was able to express his feelings of being upset with his sister for something I can’t really remember. I know now, and knew then, that if I had sent him to his room or immediately punished him, his behavior would have escalated and we probably would never have gotten to the true feelings. Whatever he was angry about was much less important than acknowledging his feelings at the moment. He got to have a voice and be heard, and I was rewarded by no broken dishes!
Accountability
Being accountable for your own feelings and behavior is vital to your mental health and peace of mind. As daughters of narcissistic mothers, what we saw most of the time was the “blame game” in action. Mother was typically not accountable for her behavior or feelings and projected them constantly onto others—and particularly onto us.
When you are practicing accountability, you adopt a viewpoint that says, No matter what happens to me, it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings and behavior. No one can create my feelings, cause me to drink, force me to be aggressive toward others, make me depressed, make me hit or yell at my children, or drive too fast, or not follow the law, etc. I make my own decisions and have choices about almost everything. I am only a victim if I choose to be one.
It is also important to teach your children that they need to be accountable for their behavior. You do that by setting boundaries and limits for them and imposing safe, healthy consequences on them whenever they overstep these limits. You do not use harsh disciplinary techniques or anything that smacks of shame or humiliation. You provide and consistently enforce boundaries about right and wrong with consequences that are age-appropriate.
If children are not taught accountability for their actions, they grow up with a feeling of entitlement, which is a trait of narcissism.
Entitlement
While it is important for our children to feel special in our eyes, it is not important for them to feel special in everyone’s eyes. It is imperative that they truly believe other people’s needs are just as important as theirs. You can teach your children that by modeling respect for others, and by teaching them to appreciate that each individual has his own special qualities to bring to the world. A child can learn to see herself as unique, but also as one of many people in a large community of human beings on earth. She does not have to stand out from the crowd to be fulfilled or have peace within. To ensure that you are not encouraging entitlement in your children, focus on guiding, directing, and assisting them in gathering a sense of consciousness about their place in the world around them and their connections and responsibilities to others.
Many parents seem to be pressuring their kids in academics and sports to be the best at all costs. This pressure to “have” and to “achieve” too often bypasses basic principles of personal accountability. Do not overrate your child’s abilities or talents. Be realistic about her accomplishments and give her credit for what she does achieve. Be involved in her successes and praise her for what she accomplishes, but don’t push her to the point that she feels “not good enough” for not living up to your expectations. This can create confusion, resentment, and a sense of entitlement in your child.
Values
Teaching children values is crucial to their development, but of course you first have to know what you believe in and what you don’t. In talking to hundreds of people in psychotherapy sessions over the years, I am constantly amazed at how many folks don’t know what to say when I ask them about their worldview or their value system. Since you’ve gone through your own recovery, however, you now have an understanding of your beliefs and values. I hope that you see how crucial it is to teach the importance of honesty, integrity, kindness, empathy and compassion for others, forgiveness, healthy self-esteem and self-care, and the difference between what is right and wrong. These days, many parents seem to pay more attention to how their child looks than to how he or she treats others.
The best way to teach a value system is to model it for your children. Show them that values matter by dealing with them and others honestly, kindly, compassionately, and with integrity. Teach them the importance of self-respect and self-care by taking good care of yourself. Use examples from the neighborhood, television, movies, school, and the daily news to discuss your values. Whatever activity your child is involved in can become a classroom for teaching a value and modeling right from wrong. Be careful not to be harsh, critical, or judgmental. Simply express and show how you would handle a situation kindly, assertively, and with integrity.
Make sure that your children’s activities involve giving to others or helping in some way. At first, they may just learn to be helpful to others, and eventually they can perform work in the community. Giving back teaches that other people are important.
Value Their Personhood, Not Only Their Accomplishments
Your love for your children needs to be based on who they are and not merely what they can do. As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you were taught that what you did was more important than who you were, so you likely grew up feeling that your parents did not even know the real you.
Know who your children are. Know what they like and dislike and what they are interested in separate from you and your interests. Value their good-heartedness and kindness as well as their sense of humor and intelligence. Don’t define them by what they do (my son the soccer player, my daughter the ballet dancer). If you allow your children’s self-esteem to be centered on their accomplishments, you are setting up another generation of achievement-dependent narcissists who have to be “stars” to feel good about themselves. Give them credit where credit is due whenever they realize their goals or visions. Let them know that you are very proud of what they have done and that you will also love them just as much if they do not become CEOs or star basketball players.
When I was working on this book, an old friend called me to catch up. He told me that his son had just received a baseball scholarship for college, but talked more about his son’s “big heart” than about his scholarship! My friend is proud of his son’s accomplishment, but also really loves his son for who he is. What an artful balance.
Authenticity
Encourage your child to be real. Authentic expression of self and feelings is the route to becoming a centered person. We daughters learned to be fake in the narcissistic system. Don’t pass the image focus on to your kids. They can be appropriate and real as well as assertive and respectful of others and their boundaries. It is okay to be who you are even if some people prefer something else. Not everyone has to like you or your children.
Allowing authenticity means accepting your child’s feelings and encouraging her to express them even if you disagree or they upset you. It means that you don’t teach her to lie to look good, or to deny what she perceives as real. No more elephants in the living room that no one discusses but everyone knows are there; don’t have dysfunctional secrets in the family and ask your child to keep them to himself. You can teach him that he does not have to lie to himself or others to keep up an image. We all know from painful experience how crazy-making that is.
I recently observed a mother tell her crying child, “We don’t cry. People don’t like sad children.” The child quickly clammed up. It was obvious that this was a familiar message to her. The danger in doing this with children is that it teaches them to deny their feelings, sacrifice their true selves, and adopt an “image” that is acceptable to the parent. Guard against this in your communications with your children. If you pressure them to put on a facade, you leave them no choice but to believe that their true selves are unacceptable.
Parental Hierarchy
Your children are not supposed to be your friends. Keep boundaries between parents and children. All children are meant to be on the same level. Don’t share adult information with them and overload them with your adult problems. Refer to the healthy family
hierarchy in chapter 4: It is not your children’s job to meet your needs. It is your job to meet theirs.
Maintain appropriate boundaries for each person’s separate space in the family and in the home. Respect each other’s property and personal bodily space. Teach children how to say no in assertive ways so that they are not walked over by others. This will help them develop a separate sense of self.
Parenting a child is a monumental task, the most rewarding and the most difficult you may undertake. No one can do it perfectly. That’s just fine. If you are aware of the above factors, however, you allow yourself a healthier awareness than your parents had when raising you. That in itself is a tremendous gift.
Relationships with Others
Narcissistic traits that you unwittingly acquired will also haunt you in your relationships with other adults. Recognize these traits so that you can get control of them. This will be difficult, but that does not mean you are not a good person. Nor does it mean that you are not good enough. It means that you are human, and you have issues related to a painful, difficult childhood. As an adult, however, you want to become totally accountable, to take an honest look in the mirror. You can move past the pain and sadness and experience, and allow yourself to grow emotionally, and integrate the many complex parts of yourself.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 20
