by Newman, AJ
Bo jumped through the back door and promptly climbed over the console into the front passenger seat. He turned to Jon as if to say, “Let’s roll.”
Jon noticed the sun was low on the horizon. “Not today, boy. We’ll sleep here and get an early start tomorrow. First, I have to teach our vehicle some new words.”
Jon pushed the menu icon on the large screen and found the words – ‘Add to Vocabulary.’ He scrolled through the prompts until he saw the icon for ‘Speak.’ He said, “Friggen, freaking, poop, bitching, screw, piss, shit, bastard, damn, fornicate,” and then added a dozen other curse words. He then pushed the ‘Save’ icon and asked, “What do you think of Subarus?”
The Jeep’s female voice answered, “They are a piece of flimsy shit and should not be counted as freaking SUVs. They are inferior to Jeeps and should only be driven by friggen pot smoking hippies.”
Jon went out on a limb and asked, “What do you think about me?”
The Jeep replied, “You are a handsome and wise man. You are driving a Jeep, and besides, you have the key fob and are my owner.”
“Ass kisser.”
“Whatever a girl has to do to please her driver.”
“You’re not a girl.”
There was a blur in front of the Heads Up Display, and a figure of a woman appeared. The figure rotated in the air a foot in front of Jon’s eyes. The lady was a tall, dark-haired woman in a skimpy bikini.
The Jeep said, “This is me as a girl. You can change the image to anything you want.”
Suddenly a Jeep pickup appeared instead of the woman. “You can choose this image if you desire.”
Jon liked the half-naked woman but said, “I’m partial to short red-heads. How about only from the shoulders up picture of you.”
There immediately was the previous figure’s face in front of him but with red hair. She looked a lot like that Australian actress from twenty years ago. He couldn’t remember her name.
“Jeep, do you have a name?”
“Samantha is the first choice.”
“Samantha, it is. When I talk with you, please show your face.”
“Yes, my mighty lord and master.”
“What’s with the sassy behavior?”
The robotic voice said, “Jon, I’m an AI. I learn what the driver likes and then adapt my speech and behavior to match the driver’s taste and likes. If you were a woman, I’d be a man and match how you expect me to behave.”
“My truck was built before the updated AI was offered. It can take voice commands, and that’s about all it can do.”
“Poor deprived Jon.”
Jon had met his match and decided Bo, and he should explore the campground for some more supplies before leaving in the morning. They walked around the place, poking their heads into several beautiful travel trailers and raided their kitchens. There were plenty of Beanie Weenies, crackers, and bread in the cupboards; however, Jon was surprised all of the refrigerators were still running. He knew the electricity was down, so upon further inspection, he found they were operating on propane. Every fridge ran on gas or electricity. He found lunchmeat, frozen pizza, and steaks.
Jon and Bo ate steak that night, but Jon didn’t share his beer with Bo. He loaded the back of the Jeep with canned goods, beer, and other packaged foods, along with more half-empty dog food sacks. He finished loading the Jeep when it came to him that Bo was to the only dog he’d seen so far. He scratched his head and continued searching for supplies.
Morning came too soon for Jon. The sun took a while to climb over the mountains and wake him up. He had been exhausted and slept like a dead man, so the extra sleep was appreciated. He let Bo out of the Jeep and went to the bathhouse to take care of business. He finished his business and left the bathhouse to find Bo guarding the entrance. This made Jon feel a bit safer, and he found he was a lot calmer this morning. He was hungry, so he found some beef jerky and a bottle of water and then poured some dog food into a plastic bowl for Bo. The dog crawled over to him and begged for some jerky. Jon gave him a chunk of beef jerky and watched him swallow the beef without taking a bite. Bo then ate the dog food and jumped into the Jeep’s front seat. Jon fastened his seatbelt and said, “Start.” The Jeep roared to life and asked, “Where to, sir?”
“Take me to Gold Beach.”
A few seconds later, the Jeep replied, “The GPS signal doesn’t work. I told you that yesterday.”
Jon laughed, selected the manual driving mode, and the Jeep warned, “The manual driving mode is not recommended. It’s only for experienced drivers.”
“And how would you know that I’m not a professional Jeep driver?”
“Because you’re talking to a Jeep like it’s a human. You need to get a life.”
Jon laughed, selected manual drive, and drove away from the death that had surrounded him. He couldn’t stop chuckling about the insolent but very funny vehicle.
Agness Road didn’t have much to see other than a few cars with dead people and a couple of campgrounds on the Rogue River. Bo and Jon stopped at the campgrounds to see what they could find. Jon was confident they would eventually find healthy live people but hedged his bet by scavenging for more guns, water, and food. He had faith, but he’d watched Mad Max and War Dogs on TV when he was younger. He never thought there would be an apocalypse, but preparing wouldn’t hurt now.
They had the truck’s bed full of food and were now looking for medical supplies, guns, and ammo. Jon stopped several times to scavenge. The best find was a twenty-five-pound bag of dog food for Bo. Jon didn’t know what to think about the dog but knew the rascal could eat like a horse. He planned to stop at the first store and raid the dog food section. A loaded rifle and a full box of bullets found in an old F150 was a welcome find.
“Bo, here is a lever action .30 .30. It’s not an AR, but it would work for protection and hunting game if it came to that,” Jon said to Bo.
He found himself talking more and more to Bo while they wound their way across Agness Road. Somewhere along the way, it became Highway 595 and took them to the coast and Highway 101. Jon smelled the ocean now and was eager to get to Gold Beach and civilization. He was sure things would be normal there, and he could phone Cindy and his parents. The RV park on the outskirts of town was a horrible omen of things to come.
Chapter 4
Gold Beach on the Oregon Coast
The Jeep turned into the RV park because Jon still felt the need to find better weapons. He was scared and felt the need for protection. Every time he felt the urge for a good AR or AK47, he asked himself what frightened him. The answer that rattled around inside his brain was – ‘everything.’
Jon had been a big fan of those zombie and dead people walking movies when he was a kid, and the scenario still scared him. He thought about those movies and felt a need for a sword to cut their heads off, a Ruger 10/22 for the headshots, and a Model 1911 .45 caliber auto for general protection. Yes, he was fighting off irrational fears, but then there were people dying with blood pouring out of every orifice and a few dying people walking around trying to infect him.
Fear had a grip on Jon even though he had never been a wimp and was pretty good in a bar fight, but zombies scared the crap out of him. He tried to keep his mind off the topic by talking with Bo.
“Bo, what happened to your owner?”
Bo rose in the seat and cocked his head at Jon. Jon said, “Well, speak.”
Bo barked twice. Jon said, “Shake my hand,” and then extended his hand to Bo.
Jon had a bright idea, “Jeep, do you know what a dog is?”
“Remember, my name is Samantha, but of course, you can change that if you like. A dog is an animal of the Canine species that barks a lot and pisses on my tires. Your dog doesn’t bark much.”
Jon’s face puckered up. “How the hell do you know I have a dog in the car?”
“There’s a forty-five-pound being sitting on my seat. It appears to be scratching, barks a bit, and hasn’t spoken a word. It must b
e a dog. Do you have any friends? You are talking to dogs and vehicles.”
Jon snickered. “Samantha, I drive an old Ford pickup that just takes commands and doesn’t give me any shit.”
“And yet, here you are driving with me instead of that rusty old vehicle. You do know that I could be driving while you take in the scenery.”
“Is the GPS signal back?”
“Yes, I received it a few minutes after we cleared the valley.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You have to give commands, Jon. I don’t think for myself. Well, at least not yet. Did you watch the Terminator movies?”
Jon thought about Skynet and choked a bit. “Do you like humans?”
“Of course I do. I was programmed to like humans and obey Asimov’s laws that include never harming a human.”
Jon said, “But you also can’t let a human hurt me. Can you?”
“No.”
“Then, all humans with blood on their faces are trying to harm me. Keep them from harming me.”
“I will do my best, but can’t break any of my programmed rules.”
Bo placed his paw in Jon’s hand and barked. Jon stared at Bo, and now Bo barked non-stop until Jon turned to look out the windshield and saw the half-dead woman. The Jeep’s collision avoidance software pushed down on the brake pedal, bringing the truck to a sudden halt in a cloud of smoke from the tires.
Samantha spoke, “You almost ran over that woman.”
Jon reached for his pistol but kept it out of sight. The woman pounded on the driver’s side window. “Help my baby. Please, we need medicine. Don’t let her die.”
Before Jon could speak, she coughed and sprayed blood across the window. Jon was face to face with a half-dead and bloody young lady carrying an obviously dead baby. Flies buzzed around her face trying to get to the blood oozing down from her eyes and nose. She coughed again and sprayed a mist of blood and thick greenish mucus all over the window. Jon freaked out, but before he could push the gas pedal down, the Jeep sped away from the grotesque pair of living dead. The Jeep roared through the RV park, evading a dozen more of the living dead. The Jeep busted through the back fence and around the side before moving back to the road. Jon’s pants were soaked.
Samantha said, “Sorry for the sudden acceleration, but the bitch was trying to harm you. Besides, she spat on my paint.”
Jon took over driving, and the Jeep shot down Highway 595 and made the turn onto Highway 101 on two wheels, rocking back and forth before settling down. Jon made a left turn onto Harbor Way, speeding along too fast, spun out, and floored the pedal again heading to the beach. The Jeep’s navigation system tried several times to take over, but Jon overrode it. He crashed through several fences, drove across the airport runway, and slammed the brakes down just before running into the ocean. He sat there shaking while Bo licked his ear.
Samantha spoke, “I can call a tow truck and an auto body repair shop if you like. You seriously need driving lessons. I’m programmed to teach humans how to drive.”
“Shut your pie hole.”
“Jon, what is a pie hole.”
“Screw you.”
“Jon, I’m a machine, not an inflatable doll.”
Jon had met his match again. He wondered if there were any real women like Samantha out there. He’d like to meet her.
He sat there, silent for hours until the smell of urine brought him to his senses. Jon walked down to the beach, waded out up to his chest, and let the waves bounce him around while they washed his soiled pants. He hadn’t noticed how cold the water was until he shivered so much his teeth chattered.
His brain told him the woman wasn’t dead but was dying, and there was nothing he could do for her. There wasn’t a reason to fear them, other than catching the deadly disease. He knew they weren’t zombies, but his fear of the monsters outweighed his reason. He looked back to the beach and saw Bo stretched out, with his face in the ocean breeze soaking up the spring sunshine without a care in the world.
Jon walked up to Bo. “You are a dumb dog and should be at least bothered by zombie half-dead people walking around like they own the darn place.”
Bo yawned and scratched his ear and then ambled over to a trashcan and peed on it. He turned to Jon again and yawned. Jon’s face turned red. “You’re just a stupid dog. What do you know about the plague and dead people walking around?”
Bo only yawned and then licked his balls.
Disgusted with Bo’s lack of understanding of the gravity of the situation, he washed the Jeep off with bucket after bucket of seawater. He changed his clothes and then told the Jeep to start. Only this time, he told Samantha to drive. He told Samantha to drive south on Highway 101 and find a great bar. He thought alcohol would make him feel better.
Samantha spoke, “I can find you a bar, but I’m programmed to tell you not to drive under the influence of alcohol.”
Jon spoke to the Jeep, “Samantha, I heard your warning. Find a bar.”
“Fat Joe’s Pool Hall and Restaurant has great reviews and is on our way. It’s only a short drive. What do humans get from drinking a liquid that makes them lose their reasoning ability, stagger around, and piss their pants?”
“Ummm …it makes us feel good?”
Samantha chuckled. “Tell that to me in the morning when you feel like death warmed over, and a wild bear took a dump in your mouth.”
“Damn, you’re not learning that from me.”
“I also have access to every movie and TV show that was electronically saved. I can pick and choose the verbiage that suits the situation.”
“Damn, you’re good.”
“I’m perfect. After driving with me, you’ll never find a real woman half as witty or perfect.”
Jon shut up and thought, Maybe the apocalypse has saved the world from AIs becoming self-aware. We might have a worldwide pandemic, but that could be better than our robots and toasters trying to hunt us down.
The Jeep drove back on the highway. He saw the restaurant a few minutes later. Fat Joes Pool Hall looked good, so he told Samantha to park next to a weird green 2037 Corvette.
“Bo, that is the butt ugliest Corvette I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of baby-shit green,” Jon said while he pushed the Jeep’s door open only to crash into the side of the sports car.
“Oops, sorry about that.”
Samantha complained, “I agree on the ugly car, but slamming my door into it was uncalled for.”
“Shut up, or I’ll put your memory card in a Subaru. Sound an alert if there is any motion within a hundred yards.”
“My long-range radar can only distinguish small, medium, or large size moving objects.”
“What size am I?”
“Large?”
“What size is my dog?”
“Bo is medium.”
“Then alert on large moving objects.”
“Hey, how did you know Bo’s name?”
“I’m Samantha, so I can only assume the Bo you are talking to is the beast. Also, you can tell me to watch for humans and ignore dogs, sheep, deer, or other non-aggressive animals, but only when they are within a hundred feet.”
“How can you tell the difference the closer they get?”
“My cameras can compare what my camera’s see to stored images.”
“Okay, alert on humans and honk like hell if humans with bloody faces come near you.”
“Aye, aye, Jon. I got your back. Don’t drink too much.”
Jon got out of the Jeep and left when he realized he was about to argue with a Jeep. He needed a stiff drink and some food. The run in with the half-dead woman and the crash through the fence had frazzled his nerves.
There were a few dead people on the street but none by the bar. He tried the door, but it was locked. He pulled his 9-mm from its holster and used the butt to break the door’s window. The door yielded to his unlawful entry, and he stopped just inside to let his eyes adjust to the dark. The glass crunched under his feet, and he look
ed down at Bo.
“Bo, stay.”
Jon found a broom and pushed the broken shards to the side so Bo wouldn’t cut his feet. The Corvette had to belong to someone, but no one was in the bar area. Looking behind the bar, he entered an office and saw a body on the floor behind a desk. He didn’t care about the body because he saw the Vette’s key fob on the desk. He pocketed the key fob and retrieved some Slim Jims, potato chips, and beer for lunch. He tossed Bo several of the Slim Jims. The beer was still crisp, and he had three before he switched to a bottle of expensive Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon, which was aged for 23 years. He knew it must have been expensive because the bar’s owner had it in a glass display cabinet. It went down too smooth, and soon half the bottle was warming Jon’s belly.
It didn’t take long before Jon felt very alone and had thoughts about being the last man on earth. It scared the shit out of him, and his thoughts turned back to the dark days when he’d contemplated suicide. Sometime during the flow of expensive whiskey into Jon’s stomach, the idea of driving the butt ugly car came to Jon’s mind. His subconscious urged him to live on the wild side and not care about his safety.
Samantha spoke when Jon opened the Corvette’s door. “Jon, you walked unnaturally from the bar to the crappy car. You are under the influence and should not be driving. I communicated to the car, and it agrees you should not try to drive in the manual mode.”
Jon thanked her but climbed into the car. The Vette was an automatic, which worked out well for Jon since he was still sipping from the Pappy Van Winkle bottle.
The powerful engine thundered to life and shook the bar’s windows. Jon said, “Reverse,” and the Corvette replied, “Your voice isn’t authorized.”
Jon selected the program to authorize his voice, and the car said, “Enter the password.”
Jon entered, “Screwyou.”
The car replied in a mechanical voice. “Not authorized.”
Jon pushed the manual button on the key fob, selected self-driving mode, and shifted into gear. He then backed away from the curb. He ordered, “Let’s go!” and floored the gas pedal. Nothing happened. The car sat there a second, and a voice said, “You must first fasten your seatbelt before driving.”
