by S. K. Lessly
Tucked in the corner, away from the buffet tables was a table filled with all kinds of desserts that I could barely keep away from. Fuck, I was so full I could barely drink this beer in my hand. Samson's mother and grandmother cooked all the food. They were miracle workers. I had no idea baked macaroni could taste so good.
With his beer in hand, Samson walked over to me and we clinked bottles.
“Happy Birthday, Tank,” I said to him in greeting.
He nodded his thanks to me and we both took a healthy sip. Silence settled over us as we watched the makeshift dance floor fill up with women. This wasn’t my first family event with Samson and I knew the women were getting ready to do a line dance. I took this time to look around the hall for Lauren, as if I would miss her coming inside. I had my eyes on the doorway for an uncomfortable amount of time. If she walked in, I wouldn’t miss her.
I glanced at my watch, sighed loudly and took the rest of my beer to the head. Unable to hold my secret any longer, I blurted, “I’m in love with Lauren and I’m going to tell her tonight.”
Samson took a huge gulp of his own beer then asked, “You think that’s a good idea?”
I tossed my empty bottle in the trash can closet to me. “Yup.”
Samson gave me a nod. “Well you know I’ve been telling you to do this a long time ago, but ah are you sure?”
I glanced over at the big man. “You’ve been dogging me to tell her for a while now. And now that I said I’m going for it, you’re asking if I’m sure?”
Samson turned to face me, a look of sheepishness on his face. “Yeah, I know; it’s just that when you tell her how you feel, it will change your relationship forever. I mean are you 100% sure she feels the same way? Because if she doesn’t and you jump the gun on this, you will never be the same again.”
I thought about what Samson said and I knew he had a small point. What would I do if she didn’t feel the same way? This wasn’t going to be easy. She may think it’s too soon, regardless of how good we are together. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure about how she felt but I was about my own feelings. I also believed this was worth taking the risk.
“I understand what you’re saying,” I replied finally. “And listen man, I appreciate your input.” I ran my hand over my head and rested it against the back or my neck. “I just can’t be around her and not tell her. So, if she doesn’t feel the same way than so be it. I need to move on. But if she does, then I don’t want to waste another second.”
Samson placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Well, hey, I hope it works out because…” Samson then jutted his chin out and moved his eyes to my left shoulder. I squinted at him first then my eyes widened thinking that Lauren had finally arrived. I grinned and turned only to see Sabrina standing in the entryway.
“Ah Shit.” was all I said.
I watched with growing dread as Sabrina's eyes roamed the room as if she was looking for someone. When her eyes fell on me, they brightened and a sick twisted feeling invaded my chest. She headed toward me in a beautiful white long dress that hugged her body and accentuated her surprisingly new large boobs.
“Hey, Samson. Happy Birthday.” She hugged him and then shifted to me.
“Wow, Paul, you look really good.” She stretched up and hugged me and I loosely wrapped one arm around her, squeezing her quickly then stepping back. Well I tried to step back, but the woman gripped me by my face and planted her lips on mine. Yup, she fucking kissed me on my lips. Shock flooded my senses for only a few seconds but I quickly realized that it was a few seconds too long. Just as I stepped back to reprimand her for touching me, I caught a not so happy Lauren standing in the door way looking right at me.
Shit…
Lauren
As I watched Sabrina pull away from Paul, I could feel my heart crumbling into little tiny pieces. I knew as I got dressed for this little birthday bash, it would be a mistake coming here. I knew Melissa wasn’t very fond of me and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why. Sure, she was really good friends with Sabrina, David, Amy, and of course, Sebastian, but other than that, we hadn't had any run ins. Still, I could feel the coldness coming from her and it only turned frosty when Sebastian and I broke up.
I also knew that there would be a possibility I would see my ex, Paul's ex, and Amy and David. With that bit of news, I should have stayed home. But I was really good friends with Samson and Tonya practically begged me to come with her.
Only because I loved them both did I decide to come here. I figured I’d make an appearance for a little while and then make my exit. And it took what, only a few seconds of being here and already I was slapped in the face by reality. Seeing his arm around her and her hands on his chest pissed me off, but it also made me feel like shit. I mean, sure technically she was still married to the man. And quiet as kept I was still married too. I had no right to be jealous and yet here I was fucking fuming. No! I shook my head. I needed to get ahold of myself. I could feel a lot of eyes on me and I wouldn’t let them see just how much seeing her with him bothered me.
I was dressed hot as hell and I felt fantastic. I wore this beige hi-low, long sleeve shirt dress that crossed in the front exposing a great amount of cleavage. I accented it with a pair of skinny jeans and matching beige wedges. I flat ironed my hair and let the tresses fall all around my shoulders and back. I accented my outfit with gold bangles on my wrists and gold exaggerated drop earrings. I knew I looked good enough to eat, if the look in Paul's eyes were any indication. But I had also grabbed other people’s attention and I had to keep with the farce Paul and I had going. Gritting my teeth, I plastered on a big smile, and turned away from the happy couple and headed to Tonya.
The rest of the night was painful. For one, Paul looked so good. He was dressed in a simple pair of black slacks, Dockers I think, and a pale blue, short-sleeve polo shirt. The shirt sleeves wrapped around his biceps nicely, showing off his muscles and power. His beard was lined up making him mouth wateringly good-looking.
I wanted to walk up to him, jump up in his arms and stick my tongue down his throat. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I’d missed him today. I hadn't had a chance to see him since I was out looking for something to wear for this birthday party, that again I didn’t want to go to. I shouldn’t have come.
“You alright?”
I jumped at the sound of Tonya's voice close to my ear. I blinked a few times and looked over at her. We were seated at a table just finishing dinner.
“Uh, yeah,” I huffed out with a fake smile plastered on my face. “Why do you ask?”
Tonya gave me a pointed look then looked over my shoulder. I followed her gaze just enough time to see Paul's eyes on me. I looked away quickly and picked up my glass of watered-down gin and juice.
I didn’t answer Tonya's knowing question. How could I? I was miserable. I couldn't hide that fact from anyone apparently. I’d even tried to get drunk tonight to maybe make this night not suck as bad, but the drinks must be watered down or something because I was just as sober as I was when I first walked in here.
“Hey,” Tonya laced her fingers through mine and squeezed. I gave her another small smile and squeezed her hand back. “Why don’t you go over there and get your man?”
I pulled my eyes away from her and looked over at what I deemed was the fun table, which consisted of my current lover, my ex, his ex, and the rest of the loud fun bunch, Melissa, Samson, Amy and David. The laughter from that table was infectious. Sebastian, of course, was leading the pack. Seriously, he was so extra tonight, I wondered how in the hell I missed the cues he was gay. I knew his act was for my benefit. He was purposefully ignoring me, but was extra friendly to everyone around us. I swear, he acted as if I had been the one that cheated and he kicked me out and not the other way around.
I sighed met her eyes. “I can't do that.”
She frowned at me. “Why not? You two have been seeing each other for a very long time. It’s been months since both of
you moved on from toxic marriages.”
I had broken down one day and told Tonya everything. She was hurt at first that I kept everything from her but she understood. I was thankful for that. I needed a friend to talk me off the ledge when it had to do with Paul and she was my sounding board.
“Has he?” I replied, squinting at her. “Ever since I got here, she's been plastered to his side. He hasn’t once come over here to talk to me and sit with me. But I didn’t expect him to. We both decided to keep what we have quiet for a while. At least until we've settled our past lives.”
“So, what, in the meantime, you two are going to pretend you aren’t in love with each other?”
I had to laugh at that. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh either.
“I’m not in love with Paul. Annnd,” I added quickly when I saw she was about to protest. “He's not in love with me.”
Tonya let go of my hand and sucked her tongue at me. “Girl, I don’t know who you’re fooling. It's plain to see that you two are in love, especially when you two are together. He can’t keep his eyes of you. You two try and play it off, but it is evident in his eyes. The way he looks at you, Lauren, is beautiful. It’s like he sees the sun rise and set in your eyes. You're his every breath.”
I scoffed at her words but deep down my heart was beating out of my chest.
“It’s true. And you, I can see it in your eyes too. The love you have for him.”
I shook my head. “Tonya, I can’t be in love with a man that isn't mine.” I whispered my heart aching with each syllable I spoke.
“Please, he’s yours in every sense of the word.”
“Yeah? So why isn't he sitting here with me? Why is he letting her hang all over him?”
Tonya sighed and looked at me as if I was irritating her. “The same reason why you’re sitting over here instead of on his lap. You both are too chicken shit to make the next step. You two are adults. Yes, technically you two are still married. But those marriages have been over for a long time. And who cares about what others think about you two. They'll get over it. What you two need to do is come to the realization that what you have is bigger than you once thought.”
“But it can't be, Tonya. It’s too soon. We were just supposed to hang out, you know. Feelings wasn’t supposed to be a part of the equation. I can’t love him. And he can’t love me. At least not yet.”
Tonya leaned back in her chair and studied me for a few before she said, “Yeah, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my friend, that love boat has sailed and unfortunately you two are the stars of the show.”
I looked at her, not really seeing her but letting her words wash over me. Could it be true? Could the emptiness, the longing I felt right now be the direct result of love? Could I be in love with Paul? The truth of that question smacked me in my face and if I was white, I would’ve paled from the shock of the truth.
“Holy fuck,” I mumbled and fell against the back of my chair.
“Yeah, exactly,” I heard Tonya say softly before she turned to her husband, giving me the space, I needed to get my shit in check.
I was in love with Paul. How in the hell did that happen? When? I looked down at the white table cloth as if it held all the answers I needed. How could I’ve let this happen? It was supposed to be just sex, nothing more. But I knew deep down that having nothing more with a man like Paul was impossible.
I craved him every second of every day and that was before we started having sex. I used to want to hear his voice or see his smile all the time and it made me feel better. It was crazy but I had longed for his friendship and missed him like crazy when he took it away. I should have known sex with him would be a bad idea. But damn, it was so good.
This man wheeled my body in every way possible. I ached for him all the time. Hell, despite me sitting here pissed, I was hot for him, wet and ready for him right now. How could I deny these feelings and just chalk them up to friendship?
No, he and I were more than friends and that scared the shit out of me. It’s too soon. He and I just got out of a relationship where, yes, we were miserable toward the end and cheated on, but we married to people we believed were our soulmates. We made lifelong plans with them and for all that to be torn and destroyed had to take a toll on us. But we hadn’t really come to grips with our situations because we’ve been tangled up in each other to face the facts that our marriages were over.
I mean, wasn’t that a big deal? Shouldn’t we be distraught or something? Yes, both of them cheated on us, and our relationships weren’t the best before we both decided to go our separate ways. But neither of us had time to grieve for our loss. I mean, he and I never talked about what happened in our failed marriage with each other. We never discussed the pains, the trials and tribulations we experienced. We hadn't even ended those chapters in our lives yet and here we were trying to write new ones. Maybe it was time for us to take a step back and really think things through. It was possible that all we were to each other was an excuse to fulfill fantasies. It wasn’t how I felt, but as I sit here by myself, I had to wonder if Paul felt that way. If that was all I was to him, why was I still sitting here like an idiot? Well not anymore, that’s for damn sure.
27
Lauren
I looked over at Paul who was smiling at some story Samson was telling the table. I watched the way Sabrina looked up at him. She fucked up; I could see the remorse and shame she undoubtedly felt, in her eyes.
Was it right of me to take her chance of redemption away? After all, they weren't just dating, they were married, for years I might add. What right did I have to take that chance from them?
I saw Samson stand from the table and head to the bar.
That was my cue to get out of here.
I leaned in and said my goodbyes to Tonya and Tyler and stood. Manley tried again to get my number and I had thought about giving it to him, especially when he said that Paul thought he and I would hit it off. But at the end of the day I told him no. I explained that I had just got out of a relationship blah, blah, blah. He took it on the chin, fucking finally, and I smiled and stepped away from the table. Samson was still at the bar, thank goodness, and I made my way to him, digging in my clutch for his gift.
When he saw me approach, he greeted me with a warm smile.
“Hey, beautiful. I see Manly was all over you. Was he giving you shit? I’ll beat his ass for you.”
I laughed lightly. “Nah, he was fine. Listen, I wanted to give you your gift and say happy birthday.”
“You heading out?” Samson's smile fell a little and he looked over my head briefly.
Ignoring the tightness in my chest, knowing he was probably looking at Paul, I nodded. “Yeah, I’m tired and I feel a headache coming on. But happy birthday and enjoy the rest of your night.” I gave him a sealed envelope with two tickets to the Giants and Redskins game and headed out of the hall.
As I headed to my car, the brisk night air licking at my exposed skin, I heard my name being called. I started not to stop but I knew he would catch up with me rather quickly.
I turned around to find Paul running up to me.
He smiled at me and once he got close to me, he leaned in to kiss me but I turned at the last moment causing his lips graze my cheek. The awkwardness between us was thick as he stepped back to regard me.
“You leaving?” he asked, his voice low.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m tired. I feel a headache coming on. So, I’m going to head home and crawl into bed.”
Paul seemed a little put off. “And you were going to leave without saying goodbye?”
I shrugged trying not to sound irritated. “Oh, well you seemed a little busy in all so…”
Yup, failed at not sounding irritated.
Paul ran his hand over his head and sighed. “Lauren, I didn’t know she would be here much less kiss me.”
“It doesn’t matter, Paul, I mean she’s your wife. She has that privilege.”
“What?” He leaned in closer to m
e and said in a hush tone, “You can’t be serious?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m tired and I just want this night to be over.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you. Just let me say goodbye to Samson and—”
I shook my head. “Paul, you don’t have to do that.”
“Okay, I’ll call you when I leave here.”
I placed my hands up in the air stopping him. “Paul, look I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Why don’t you stay here with your friends?”
Paul’s brow furrowed as I spoke, his eyes narrowing. “What’s going on, Lauren?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to do this right now, but he wasn’t leaving me any choice. “Look, Paul. I think maybe we should give each other a little space to get our shit together.”
“You have got to be kidding me right now. What brought this on.”
Was he kidding right now?
“Are you kidding me right now? For heaven’s sake, Paul, do you have any idea what it was like for me in there? Seeing you with her, laughing, joking? God, it was the first time in a long time that I felt helpless, lonely and guilty all at the same time. I mean she’s your wife for Pete’s sake. She has the right but still it burned me.”
“How do you think I felt? Lauren you have to believe that I didn’t encourage shit.”
I put a hand up to stop him. I didn’t want to hear the rest of what he wanted to say. It wasn’t like it would change things. “I know, Paul. But that doesn’t change the fact that she was there and you two looked damn happy.”
Paul’s expression changed from frustration to frosty.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice deep and hard.
“I’m trying to do the right thing. We need to just chill for a while, okay? At least until the divorces are final.”
“Lauren, I don’t agree. I don’t think we need to be apart. I don’t give a shit what they or anyone else thinks. Hell, if you want, we can go back in there and I can tell everyone there that I’m in love with you.”
