by Kaylee Ryan
A few minutes later, Finley is set with a cup of juice and her crayons on the living room coffee table, and my fiancé is back and we’re in full-wedding-planning mode.
“I love that it’s Finny’s birthday that week, as well as our wedding. We get to celebrate all month.”
“All month, huh?”
“Yeah, I mean, we’re getting married on Friday and her birthday is the following Friday. I say that counts for a month of celebration.”
“What am I going to do with you?” I ask, laughing.
“Love me.”
“Done.”
“Thank you, Mara. I’ll never be able to give you a gift like you’ve given me with Finley.”
“Your love is all we need.”
He grins. “Look at us, all sappy and domesticated.”
I just shake my head and go back to work. There is one thing for certain, there will never be a dull moment in our household. I smile at that. Even though there is sadness and pain looming in our future, I’m excited about what’s left to come. We’ll carry the loss of Amelia with us daily, but I know we have to keep moving on, that’s what she wants, and that’s how life happens. If you don’t move with it, you’ll be left in the dust. The memories of those you love will always linger in your heart and in your mind.
Chapter Twenty-One
Seth 21
* * *
I’ve become a master at hiding my worry. I mask it with smiles and laughter when inside I’m a tornado of worry and sadness. Today is one of those days that even though I try, the mask I try to slip firmly in place just isn’t sitting where it’s supposed to.
“Hey.” Mara places her hand on my bouncing knee.
We’re sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. They called Amelia back a few minutes ago, and since our relationship is not… intimate, except for that one drunken night, I opted to stay out here until the doctor finishes her exam. Then, she’ll call me back for questions if I have any, and then the ultrasound. No matter how many times I’ve sat in this waiting room, my nerves are still shot. I still worry that there might be something wrong with the baby, that the cancer that’s eating at one of my oldest friends is somehow going to affect our unborn child. The doctors have assured me that although not impossible, it’s highly unlikely. That admission does nothing to calm my nerves or the constant worry over my child. Over my friend.
“Mr. Jennings,” the nurse calls. I stand, bringing Mara with me. Usually she goes back with Amelia, but for some reason, today she stayed with me. Maybe I’m not as good at hiding my worry as I thought I was. With her having cancer, they want to keep a close eye on the baby, so she comes twice a week instead of once a month like other women at the same stage of pregnancy.
“Hi,” I say as soon as we step into Amelia’s small exam room. She’s sitting up on the table, fully dressed. I take in the dark circles under her eyes, and I know despite what the doctors tell her, she’s not gaining weight as she should be.
“Come on in, guys. Dr. Hatfield will be right back.” As soon as she says it, the door pushes open and in walks Dr. Hatfield.
“Seth, Mara, how are you?” she greets us. We exchange pleasantries and wait. “Well, let’s get to it, shall we? Amelia is doing well. The baby is measuring correctly. You only gained a pound, but that’s progress from the loss that we’ve seen.” She looks up from her computer to face Amelia. “However, as the pregnancy progresses, it may be that we have to admit her to ensure that both she and the baby are getting the nutrients that they both need.”
“What should we watch for?” Mara asks.
“Extreme fatigue. If she has any cramping or Braxton Hicks.” She rattles off a list of other signs we should watch for. “This isn’t meant to scare you, but I want the three of you to be prepared for what could be right around the corner.”
“Is it safe for them to travel?”
“Yes, take breaks so she can stretch her legs, just eat small meals multiple times per day, and stay hydrated. She’s taking her prenatal vitamins, and I know they make her nauseous, but as long as they are staying down, they are vital for the baby. I’ve already explained this to Amelia.”
“Thank you,” I say, not really knowing what else to say to all of that. My worry is ramped up by one thousand.
“You’re welcome. Now onto the fun stuff. Are you ready to see your baby?”
“Yes,” Amelia and I say at the same time.
“Follow me.”
I help Amelia off the exam table and we follow Dr. Hatfield down the hall and into another exam room. It’s dark, and the tech is there waiting for us. “All right, let’s take a look. Amelia, if you’ll have a seat on the table and lie back, we’ll get started.”
I hold my breath as I wait for the tech to get everything set up, and then she presses the wand to Amelia’s growing belly. She moves it around the gel she placed on her abdomen and clicks on her screen. “I’m just taking measurements for the doctor,” she says, explaining why she’s being so quiet. “All right, so are we wanting to know the gender? Or are we sealing it for a gender reveal party?” she asks.
Amelia looks at me and then to Mara with tears in her eyes. “I-I don’t know how much time I’ll have after, so I’d like to know now. Seth?”
I can’t speak, so I nod my approval. Mara, who is holding Amelia’s hand, reaches the other out for me, and just like that, the three of us are linked together, more than just by our hands, but by the bond of friendship, and the life of the baby on the screen.
“Okay, well, this right here—” The tech points to the screen. “—this is your son. Congratulations, it’s a boy.”
A boy.
I’m going to have a son and a daughter.
“Seth?” Mara squeezes my hand and I give her my attention. “Congratulations, Daddy.” She smiles despite the tears that coat her cheeks. I nod.
“A little boy,” Amelia says wistfully, her eyes glued to the monitor. She then turns to me and smiles. “Thank you, Seth. I know we didn’t plan this and it’s unconventional, and it puts pressure on the two of you and your relationship, but this little miracle…” She chokes on her words. “This little miracle,” she tries again, “he’s the best thing I’ve ever done. He will always be my greatest accomplishment in life.”
Mara leans down and offers her a hug, then steps back, allowing me to do the same. “He’ll never go a day without knowing how much you love him. I promise you that.”
The tech clears her throat, and I step back. “Here are some pictures. I printed a lot so that each of you could have a set.” I love that they know our situation and don’t offer any judgment. Not that we’ve done anything wrong. We were all handed this scrambled hand in life that we’re just trying to make sense of.
“Thank you so much.” Amelia sits up once the gel is wiped off her growing belly and slides the pictures in her purse.
As a trio, we exit the room, make Amelia’s follow-up appointment and ensure it works with all our schedules, and exit the building. The warm May sun beats down on us, and I smile. It’s the little things like sunshine that I have to remember to stop and enjoy. With so much bad, sometimes the good can be overshadowed.
“How about lunch?” Mara asks.
“Yes. Then I was thinking maybe we could go shopping, I want to buy a few things for him.” Affectionately, Amelia rubs her belly where our son is growing. “A little boy,” she squeals, and it’s been a long damn time since I’ve seen a smile that big light up her face.
“You ladies have fun. I need to get back to the job site.” I pull Mara into a kiss. “I’ll see you at home.” Pulling away, I hug Amelia and then bend down to talk to my son. “Take care of your mommy,” I whisper. With that, I give my fiancée one more quick kiss and I rush off to my truck.
Pulling into the job site, I grab the blue box of cigars off the seat. I couldn’t resist when I drove past the local party supply store. I stopped on a whim and they had these. I had to buy them. They’re not really cigars
—they’re blue bubble gum—but they get the point across all the same. I’m having a little boy.
“Well?” Tyler asks as I walk into the house we’re in the middle of remodeling.
“Care for a cigar?” I ask in my most pretentious voice.
“No shit?” he asks. “Congrats, man.”
“A boy!” Mark cheers, which is followed by words of congratulations from Ridge and Kent.
“Finley gets a little brother,” I tell them.
“How is Amelia?” Ridge asks.
“Not gaining weight like she should, but she didn’t lose any.” I go on to tell them the details of the appointment and the ultrasound. “Oh, I have pictures.” Reaching into my back pocket, I hand them to Kent and explain what he’s looking at before doing the same with the other two.
“You know, I never can tell what they’re looking at on these things, but it’s cool as hell to see the heartbeat and the baby moving around,” Tyler says.
“We missed all that,” Mark comments. “Definitely going to be there for all of it with the next one.”
“You trying?” Ridge asks.
“Not officially, but we’re taking practicing really serious.” He grins.
“I can’t wait for another one. I just have to convince my wife.” Tyler laughs.
“Really?” Kent asks. “I thought it would have been the other way around.”
“Nah, she wants more, but wants the boys to be out of diapers first. We’re potty training.”
“Yeah, we’re doing that with Everly too. She’s not taking to it as fast as Knox did.”
“That’s because with Knox, he could sink the Cheerios,” I say with a laugh. “And we taught him to pee outside like a man.”
“A fact that got me in trouble with my wife.” Ridge chuckles.
“Man, if you would have told me three years ago that one day we’d be standing on the job shooting the shit about potty training instead of going out and finding our entertainment for the night, I would have laughed my ass off,” Mark says.
“Yeah, if we only knew then what we know now.” This comes from Kent. He’s not being sarcastic or malicious in any way. It makes me think there is more that he’s not telling us. He keeps dropping these cryptic lines. One day soon, I’m going to have to sit him down and pull it out of him. There will be beer involved. Alcohol always helps loosen the inhibitions.
“Life changes,” Tyler says. “I must say as much as I loved those days with you guys, nothing compares to a night at home with my wife and kids.”
We murmur our agreements, and I notice Kent is quiet. Interesting. Normally he would spout off about not drinking the water or something similar. There is something he’s not telling us. Then again, maybe he’s just envious. I know I was.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see Mara’s smiling face on the screen. “Hey, babe. Miss me already?” I ask. The guys chuckle.
“Seth, don’t freak out.” Mara’s voice comes through the line calm as can be, but hesitant.
“Mara, you cannot call me and tell me not to freak out and not tell me what I’m not freaking out about. What’s going on? Are you okay? Finley? Amelia? The baby?”
“Everything is okay. Amelia and I were shopping, and she started coughing and couldn’t catch her breath. I insisted she go to her primary care to be checked out. Her oxygen levels are low, so they’re having her wear oxygen.”
“All the time?”
“Well, she’ll always have a small portable tank with her. That way, if she needs it, she can use it like today. But no, not all that time. Not yet.”
“The baby?”
“He’s fine, but it’s important for her to have enough oxygen for both of them.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m taking her back to our place. She’s going to put her feet up and relax. We might work in the scrapbook room a little.”
“Do you need me to come home?”
“No, we’re all good here. I just wanted you to know what was going on.”
“Thanks,” I say, running my hand through my hair.
“I love you, Seth. I promise everything is okay. If it wasn’t, I would tell you. I just wanted you to know. I felt like, you know, with the baby and all, you just needed to be aware.”
“Call me if anything changes. I’ll swing by Sonia’s on my way home and pick up Finny. Oh, and, Mara?” I wait for her to reply.
“Yeah?”
“I love you too.” Ending the call, I slide my phone back in my pocket and am met with the concerned eyes of my brothers. “Amelia started coughing and couldn’t stop. I guess she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. They have her on portable oxygen, and she’ll have it with her from here on out for when she needs it.”
“Fucking cancer,” Kent mutters.
I hate this disease and what it’s doing to her. I hate the constant worry for her and our unborn child. I’m scared that she needs oxygen at just nineteen weeks into her pregnancy. What will the next twenty-one look like? Will she make it to full-term? I’ve done some reading, and I know the closer to her due date that she delivers, the safer it is for the baby, but is it safe for her?
This is an absolutely impossible situation, and I would never wish this on anyone. I know we’re not the only people to have cancer alter our lives, and we won’t be the last. We can put a man on the moon… how can we not cure this fucking disease?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Mara 22
* * *
I’m standing in the living room looking over the list in my hands to make sure I have everything. Today we’re leaving for Florida. In three days, Seth and I will be married at a private ceremony on the beach. All our friends, our family will be there. Last weekend at Daisy’s birthday party, Knox informed us he was in charge of rings at the wedding. At four years old, and the oldest of the kids, he’s a fierce protector. Not that I’m surprised by that; he’s like his dad and his uncles. The kid doesn’t have a choice but to grow up loving and protective; he’s surrounded by it.
Daisy smiled her way through wrapping paper and gifts, and then she enjoyed the hell out of her little pink birthday cake. It was a sad moment for all of us. No one voiced it, but we were all thinking the same thing: Will Amelia live to see their baby boy see his first birthday? I don’t speculate, and I try not to think about it. She’s declining fast, wearing her oxygen more and more. I tried to cancel this trip, but she refused to let me. She wants to swim in the ocean, and she wants to be there when Seth and I pledge our love for one another.
So we move forward. We keep living our lives as if everything is okay when we all know that’s not the case. We put on our happy faces, take lots of pictures, and involve her in everything. Capturing and making those memories that we’ll have for years to come, for when she’s no longer physically here with us.
“Momma,” Finley says, pulling on my shirt to get my attention. I look down at her and smile. “I go Mamaw and Papaw?” she asks.
“No, sweetie. We’re going on vacation. Mommy and Daddy are getting married.”
“I’s get mawied?”
“Definitely,” Seth tells her, joining us. He lifts her into his arms and rubs his beard across her cheek, making her giggle. “We’re going to be a family, remember, and you get to change your last name just like Mommy. All three of us will be Jennings.”
“Yay!” she cheers, but I don’t think she truly understands. What she does understand is the smile that lights up her daddy’s face and the excitement that comes off him in waves.
“Go grab your princess blanket,” Seth tells her, placing her back on her feet. “Babe, you’ve checked that list a hundred times.”
“I know, I just… we’ve never been on vacation. Our trip here last summer was our first trip ever. What if we get all the way there, and I find out that I forgot something that she needs?”
“Then we’ll go to the store and buy it. All you need to worry about is that in three days, you’re going to be Mara Je
nnings—Mrs. Seth Jennings. Everything else will work itself out.”
“You’re right.” I nod. “Amelia should be here any minute.”
“Good. I’m going to start loading these things into the SUV.” With a quick kiss, he grabs a few bags and heads outside to load up the Tahoe that we rented.
Fifteen minutes later, Seth has everything loaded up. I have a bag of snacks and a small cooler. I run back to the bathroom and grab a few more pull-ups just in case. I know we can buy more, but you can never be too prepared.
“Did you bring extra oxygen?” I ask Amelia when she arrives.
“Yes, Mom.” She rolls her eyes, but a smile plays on her lips. “Mara?” She waits for me to look at her. “This is what you want, right? To marry Seth?”
“Yes.” My answer is immediate and spoken with zero hesitation.
“Then why the nerves?”
“I don’t know. I guess because I’m getting married. My life suddenly feels like a dream coming true, and I don’t know how to handle that. For so long, it was me, and then it was me and you, then me and you and Finley. Now—” I pause, collecting myself. I refuse to break down on her. “Now, it’s me and Finley, and Seth, and you and the baby, and his parents, and your group of friends that are really family. I’ve never had any of this, and if this is a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up.”
“You’re not dreaming, Mara. Seth loves you. He loves Finley. This is your real-life fairy tale and I couldn’t be happier for you.”
