“Now I think quite differently about it,” Victor slowly licked his dried-up lips, shaking the head, “there is nothing we must blindly and obediently accept, there is no rescue in humble thoughts. I am looking at myself from the outside now and I clearly understand that I could not deceive myself even if I wanted it with my whole heart. What can I do in this life anyway? What have I wasted it for? Why cannot I see the horizon ahead? Why there only dead-ends emerge before me wherever I go? What awaits me there? This world seems to have forgotten to allot space for me. Am I not the superfluous man?” Victor fell into silence, but Mariam still did not dare to interrupt him. “Why the only woman I fell in love with must be married? Why cannot not everything just be right in this world?”
“I am sorry,” a barely audible whisper reached Victor’s ears, and then Mariam took away her hand from his shoulder.
When he finally peered at her, he realized that it was the only and the last apology she brought for him and precisely for this reason, she was looking for a right moment so carefully.
“Sorry?” having frowned, he averted his face again. “I believe if you were really sorry, you would not say it like this. I feel an utter fool now for having chased both your substance and shadow so persistently and so long; but I sincerely believed that you needed me as much as I did you. When we met for the first time, when you accepted me as I was, having listened to the truth, and then told me about your family, about your life, I understood that I met someone really special, someone who made me special, too. You honoured me by reposing your trust in me, Mariam. And I would not dare to abuse it, that is why I kept following you, when you left away; I strongly believed in you, when there seemed no reasons for doing it. I do not blame you for anything, except for one thing, Mariam. I cannot forgive you for likening me to someone else, for giving me a number in the queue, whereas I saw no one but you in the whole world.”
“It is not how it looks at first sight!” Mariam answered suddenly, without nourishing the sense of guilt at all.
“As always, is not it?” Victor looked down, feeling her tension even this way.
“Do you think I wanted all this?” she began, blaming someone. “Do you think I made many choices in my life? Do you think there is my fault in what happened or happens in my life? First, this marriage, which is my eternal nightmare that makes me wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat. Then the house I did not want to live in, the job that I never liked. Do you know that I have always been eager for traveling? I want to see the world, not just world capitals, but also those remote, unexplored corners of the earth. Can you try to imagine at least for a moment what it is like to be a mere formality of another person’s life, when any attempt of demonstration of pride may throw you down in the deepest pit? Can you understand that I am a woman?” Mariam was ready to begin to cry and therefore found no better way to prevent it from happening but to hit Victor in a shoulder with her small fist.
One moment later, she nestled her head against his chest.
“You do not have to do that!” Victor removed her hands. “You know perfectly what I blame you for, and it is not your marriage. I understand that you were unable to make your own choice then, and when it happened, you neither knew, nor saw what you could try to break your chains for, which held you so many years. But this man… How you could you become intimate with him?” having failed to overcome his disgust, Victor did not pronounce the name.
“I did not become intimate with anybody!” Mariam answered proudly.
“Tell me honestly, Mariam,” Victor turned towards her, “did you sleep with him?”
He did not even manage to finish the question as she gave him a smart stroke on the cheek, looking into his eyes with such rage that he instantly regretted his words.
“Why are you behaving like this?” she asked in despair. “I know that it is not you. There was nothing of this sort between us. After our acquaintance he gradually began to demonstrate his affection toward me, but I never accepted it.”
“I have had enough of this lie! I saw with my own eyes how you two met, when I was watching you from this very place. And you dare to lie to me looking straight in my eyes?” Victor pointed down, being now even angrier because of the fact that he had believed her that day.
“And you call it absolute trust that you were allegedly afraid to betray?” Mariam felt a shock. “Yes, he did come to me to take lessons or, to make a little bit clearer for you, it was his ground to spend time with me, to talk with me. He paid for the lessons as well as all the others did. What did I have to do, in your judgment? We just talked and I never saw anything wrong in his behaviour, he always was very affable, kind, cheerful, everything was so simple with him.”
Here Victor finally ceased to control his emotions and burst out laughing at the top of his voice, which drew her wondering look.
“What is so funny?” Mariam asked, feeling confusion.
“So kind, cheerful, open-minded, the person to spend the rest of the life with, being happy. These are Anna’s words, said by her one day before she was thrown out of the window.”
“She came to you?” sharing his casual attitude to the casual victim, Mariam asked, having grown perceptibly nervous. “But what did she do it for?”
“She wanted to know what I knew about two of you. It seems now that she was the first who correctly put things in their places. By the way, do not you feel sorry for her? I believe we all are responsible for her death in one way or another.”
“Maybe one day I will be sorry that things happened the way they did, but now I simply cannot think about it,” Mariam responded honestly.
Having heard quite enough of revelations, the sun, which scarcely managed to cut through clouds, now began to slowly climb down again, inevitably lengthening shadows, but two fearless human beings just kept sitting on the bench in the middle of the desolate park, postponing last farewell with all their might.
“I cannot understand one thing, no matter how desperately I try. What did you need me for? What role did I play in your life?” Victor finally put the question that was the most interesting for him.
In response to these words Mariam gave him a smile for the first time during this meeting, two shallow wrinkles appeared on her cheeks.
“You have left so many joyous traces in my life. I still cannot fully believe that in this world I could meet someone capable of understanding me so well. I admit, first I was frightened by your outspoken story. But fear was soon gone, and then some inexplicable force took its place, having begun drawing me to you closer and closer. I think this all became possible because we were alike.”
“So why did you choose him instead of me then? Why did he prove better for you?” Victor demanded her answer bitterly.
“You do not understand, I chose no one, everything just happened exactly as it had to at the given moment. You are the best of all I have met, I think that I will never meet anyone at least slightly similar to you, but I cannot just be free with you because you are not free yourself, either. The only difference between us is that nobody enslaved you, you did it yourself. I do not want to sink in these painful, gloomy thoughts you surrounded yourself with; I do not want to be afraid every day that I will lose you. I am just too weak for all this.”
“What are you planning to do now?” Victor asked in a quiet voice, seeing now ways for them to get out of the situation.
“Tumenov is going to die soon!” Mariam answered with unambiguous confidence, her voice was as cold and strong as breathing of the approaching autumn.
“Oh, my God!” Victor hung his head. “Can you hear yourself? The only thing you are going to achieve this way will be breaking your life! Just look at yourself you are confused and you cannot make decisions,” he got up from his place and then squatted down before her, “let’s leave from here? I wanted to go home, so we can stay for a while there, until everything calms down, and then we will surely think something up together.”
“I would love to answer ‘yes
’ above everything now, but you were right that night, it is not a way out. It is just a doorway that will lead us to another trap we will never be able to escape from.”
Victor took her palms and she pressed them to his cheeks. They both were so powerless at this moment that could accept death solely to get rid of this disgusting feeling.
From time to time, the strong wind began blowing hard from the heart of the park, resembling breathing of a huge monster that hid somewhere, waiting for its victim. This abrupt wind carried remains of the rain away from trees and cruelly threw them down along with weakening leaves. Very few could realize it then, but the summer already served its time, and now all its creations were slowly and obediently falling asleep.
“And how do you imagine it? Do you think you can just enter the house and stab him through the heart?” Victor drew himself up to his full height and made several steps aside, still hoping that this talk about murder was idle.
He sincerely believed that the only thing he had to do now was choosing right words, but the truth was cruel as never, keeping his head empty.
“No, it will not be my hand,” Mariam answered, confident, “Dan will be the one who will kill him. He has already given me his word. And I have responded to him with mine. I will let Tumenov choose between two options. He will either leave me alone forever, or he will die for his stubbornness.”
When Victor looked at Mariam again, he could not recognize the person that he once knew.
“What makes you think that he will let you go and will not begin to chase afterwards? I am not asking you about what makes you think that he will ever be intimidated by your ultimatum.”
“I have a record of a telephone conversation where he threatens to murder me, Anna is dead and you told that she looked exactly like me. All this makes him the main suspect. I seriously doubt that he will run the risk of losing everything he has. In addition, Dan and I we will leave the country and will never return here again.”
“Do you call it freedom?” Victor asked, being completely divorced from reality.
“There is no such thing as absolute freedom, you perfectly know it yourself; I know that I only change one fetters for another, but these ones are going to be much easier to drag,” Mariam said with some deep-seated faith in correctness of her words.
Now, when she fearlessly enunciated the words that formerly made her shiver with fear, it became obvious that the point of no return had been passed. It was akin to taking an oath and signing its printed version with her own blood in order to fulfill the promise, whatever the cost. Victor was staring at her motionlessly; she seemed to him insane, although he could scarcely be considered sane himself. He clearly understood that right in front of him the last train was leaving and he could not find determination to get on it.
“And what is about me, Mariam? What shall I do? How am I going to keep living after all what we have been through together?” he asked her quietly, hoping to receive at least one drop of empathy towards his dying feelings.
“It is up to you to decide!” having availed herself of his words, Mariam got rid of remains of her former indecision. “However, everything ends tonight regardless of your decision. He already knows that I am going to come there, he will send all off from the house. You have to choose whether you will be there or go home, but there is one thing that I would like to tell you right here and right now, before you crossed your own Rubicon.”
Mariam got up from the bench, reservedly approached Victor, and took his arms.
“Please, do not come there if you are not ready to kill for me. It is the only thing I am asking you about,” he read movements of her lips.
Now, when they both knew that he was not mistaken, Victor fearfully released his hands and slowly moved aside; he seemed to be on his last legs, ready to fall unconscious to the ground at any point.
“I want to warn you about one more thing. If Dan sees you there, then he will probably try to get rid of you as well, because he hates you,” she dropped her gaze, took out of her pockets black gloves, and put them on.
Against the background of this restless conversation, the wind began to blow with renewed vigour, driving infinite herds of dark blue clouds. Victor kept standing aside, without reacting. He did not have words even to express his feelings any more, not to mention continuing of senseless attempts to dissuade her from this erroneous course of action.
“I had better go now,” Mariam said as if asking for permission, then opened her umbrella and hid from patchy drizzle.
Victor answered nothing again, continuing to stand with his back to her and simultaneously embodying all the saddest feelings he ever knew. But it was not Mariam’s concern anymore, she glanced at him and her eyes bore no sympathy at all. Then she slightly touched his shoulder with her hand and perked away. At this point he miraculously regained consciousness after his hypnotic sleep and gently held her by the hand, having made her turn round in order to see these eyes one more time. Mariam regarded this unexpected act as his last goodbye, and her eyes quickly filled with tears, which she desperately tried to restrain with a gentle smile until the last moment, deceiving not only Victor but also herself.
“When this all ends, regardless of how it will happen, I want you to come to my place, because I left something for you there. I will not be able to hand it to you personally, but by that time, there will be a person who will make it instead of me.”
“I understood,” Mariam answered, although she did not understand anything at all; however, guessing could not be a cause to stay, so she turned around and left away.
Seeing her leave could bring him pain no longer, his only concern now was whether he saw her back for the last time or there was at least one more meeting stored for them after this sad farewell. And he was the one who had to give the answer to this question. Every minute it rained harder and the sky seemed ready to burst with a thunderstorm.
Having followed Mariam with his eyes, Victor put his jacket on again, bent down, habitually hiding his head between shoulders, and slowly went into the heart of the park. He was not bothered by bad weather because there was another storm, which was endlessly raging right in his mind. After half an hour of aimless wandering in the pouring rain surrounded by gloomy trees, Victor got wet to the skin, trembling with cold after every wind flaw. However, all this was of no importance, for he managed to dispel almost all doubts that prevented him from making a choice. When he understood that he was ready, he took the cell phone out of his pocket, found one of numbers among contacts, and pressed the call button. After two short signals, he heard the raucous voice whose owner seemed to be half asleep.
“Hello, Eduard!” Victor cheerfully greeted his old friend.
“You? How dare you to call me after all what you have done?” although every new word was another step away from his sleepy state, the person who had begun this story still could not believe his ears. “Do you even know that every dog in the town is looking for you now?”
“Do remember how you once said that if I just needed any help, then I could count on you?” Victor reminded him the words.
“Of course, I remember what I say! I am no old! And so what? My reputation is not enough for you, and now you want me to adventure my life, too?” the author of the promise responded, surprised.
“I need a gun and a car. In exchange, I promise to show you how this story looks from a different angle, which will certainly not leave you indifferent.”
After they specified a place of the meeting, this conversation ended, and no more than twenty minutes later, a black car pulled over near an exit from the park. By that moment Victor already was there, waiting at his own risk. He could not be sure that this car belonged to Eduard – the person whom Victor considered as a friend for many years, after having once agreed to check fidelity of his wife and proven successful afterwards. Fortunately, when one of doors opened, Victor saw a familiar ruddy face that was barely covered with wrinkles. It was a short, stout man with a truly solid health; de
spite approaching his late fifties, he was full of vim, his head could boast with a magnificent chevelure, and his firm handshake could probably crush whatever hand he shook.
When Victor saw a gesture of welcome, though addressed him in a rather negligent manner, he hurried towards the car, warily looking around, and, having only approached it, immediately got into it. Eduard looked at him with doubtful feelings in his eyes as if he was staring at a walking dead man, which was pretty accurate, but only partly.
“Thank you for coming,” Victor tried to warm his cold palms by exhaling warm air on them, due to quick change of temperature he shivered now even stronger.
“Hey you there, turn on the heater!” Eduard suddenly hit the driver seat. “And what the hell are you waiting here for anyway? Drive out of town.”
“I did not mean to set you up, nor I want to do it now, but I have no one to ask for help here,” Victor continued to unfold his crumpled gratitude.
“If I were you, I would not hasten to thank me, dear friend,” Eduard put his heavy hand on Victor’s shoulder, “Could you at least tell me what exactly makes you think that I have come to help?”
Victor looked awry at the author of these words and as he did not restore his vocabulary after the conversation with Mariam yet, he had to remain silent.
“What interests me most is,” Eduard began, wiping corners of his month, “do you realize at least anything of what you have done? Maybe there has been one paltry idea in your head about the man whose life you messed up? No to mention my life, of course. Who am I after all? How would I dare to complain…” he waved his hand. “Eduard is no one, he is but a pawn in the big game. He will remind me about you one day, but the thing is that there will not be you anymore, and I will not be able to get angry with you, either; because no one gets angry with corpses, do not you understand it?”
“We will see who is going to be the last man standing!” Victor refused to accept the prediction.
“Hey, just listen to this son of a gun! Did you hear what he just said?” Eduard hit the driver seat again, laughing loudly, which immediately made the driver burst out laughing as well. “Do not get me wrong, please, theoretically, you do right thing by encouraging yourself. Now, when everything is virtually ended, there is nothing left but to play the hero. Still, it is hilarious, honestly. Just think a little about it… If you were in his shoes and someone like you crossed your road, I am sorry, I do not even know how to call you now so that it was not an insult, on whom would your money be then?”
The Superfluous Man Page 18
