SHAKESPEARE
“The worst way to miss someone is sitting right beside them, knowing that you´ll never have them.”
Gabriel García Márquez
The dim light of dawn filtered through the curtains, bringing a sad, leaden tone to my room. Apparently, today was going to be another gray, overcast day. But for me it was like bright sunshine, more like mid-May. Today might be a good day.
I showered quickly and went to have breakfast with my mother. I hadn’t said anything about the visit we were having that evening and I’d rather she knew about it.
She was sitting at the kitchen table with a photo album in front of her. At that moment I knew I hadn’t been wrong about my assumptions the previous night. Seeing Nicole overcome by sadness put paid to the euphoria I’d felt when I woke up. Today she simply couldn’t put on her mask of fake normality. She had her head in her hands. She was crying. I walked over and hugged her from behind.
“Honey, you’re awake?” She was surprised and tried to wipe away her tears, as if that could erase what I saw.
“I miss him too.” I felt broken. I didn’t want to see my mother crying. I didn’t understand why life was so cruel. We burst into tears and hugged each other.
“Do you remember this photo?” she asked after a while, when we were both sitting going through the album that she had on the table.
It was a photo of my father with me at the lake, when I was six.
“Yes.” I said in a quiet voice.
“You didn’t want to walk. You said that you would hurt your feet and dad took you on his shoulders all the way.”
I smiled sadly. The pain I was carrying in my heart lessened as the beautiful memories resurfaced in my mind.
In this mood, a mixture of melancholy and sadness, I went to school, wanting to see my angel there.
Time went slowly. Too slowly for me. I couldn’t wait to finish classes and meet Erik, who hadn’t come to school.
The bell rang at last. I gathered my things up hurriedly while Beth looked at me in surprise.
“Where are you going in such a rush?”
“Home.” I said, putting on my jacket.
“You’re hiding something, aren’t you?” She took me by the arm to make me look at her. I hadn’t said anything about my meeting with Erik. After all, it was just for homework. It wasn’t a date or anything like that. And I didn’t want one of her ‘interrogations’, either. It would only make me more nervous than I already was.
“Don’t be stupid.” I pulled myself free and ran, waving goodbye.
She wouldn’t settle for that. Tomorrow I’d have to be prepared for the barrage of questions that would fall on me. But that was tomorrow. Now all that mattered was the attractive guy I was going to share the afternoon with.
I arrived breathless at the park. But the race had its reward. Erik was there, waiting. Every time I saw him, he reminded me more of a god than a high school student. He smiled at me, waving. As if his presence alone wasn’t enough to attract my attention.
“Hello.” His sweet voice had me trapped.
“Hi.”
What should I do now? Get into his car? Wait for him to ask me? By the way, did he drive?
I didn’t do anything. Both of us were standing still, staring at each other, and I felt like I was melting and I’d even forgotten my name. His gaze was delicious. No words were needed. Our eyes held a dialogue that our lips refused to.
‘Let’s go,’ he said at last, snapping me out of my spell. “I don’t want you to get cold.” He opened the car door.
“Okay.” I answered. Right then, if he’d asked me to climb Everest in bikinis and flip flops, I would have said the same. He had such power over me that I couldn’t do anything but go with it.
“Audi A3 Sportback,” he replied proudly once we were inside. I’d asked him what car it was.
I knew nothing about cars, but I wasn’t so dumb that I didn’t realize that it was an expensive car and he was too young for it.
“Is it very expensive?” I asked, echoing my thoughts.
“Depends what you mean by expensive.” A mischievous smile lit up his face.
“How much?”
“Forty thousand.”
“Forty thousand dollars?” I was amazed.
“No, forty thousand euros. It’s imported. Direct from Germany.”
My jaw dropped. I was amazed by the huge amount of money that car was worth. And I didn’t even have enough for a bicycle.
“How can you afford a car like this? And you also have a bike, right?” We’d never talked about it, but I was sure that Erik and the rider were the same person.
“Let's say I don’t have to worry about money,” he answered, then looked thoughtful.
Perhaps he realized, like me, he was rich and I was broke. As if his physical perfection wasn’t enough, compared to my many defects, he was also swimming in money. I felt disappointed. The more I got to know him, the further away he was from me. ‘Out of my reach,’ I thought. The words clawed at my heart. I could almost feel it bleeding.
We went the rest of the way in silence, each lost in thought. He killed the engine next to my house. I noticed him looking at me.
“What’s the matter?” He seemed confused.
“Nothing.”
“Come on, tell me. Since I told you how much the car cost, you haven`t said a word.” He realized that what he’d just said was the answer to his own question. “Is it because of the money? Does it bug you that I’ve got money? Are you going to hold my social status against me?” he asked, almost jokingly.
I wanted to be angry with him for teasing me like that. He was right, and being realistic it was kind of stupid being angry because he was rich. I started laughing in spite of myself. It was strange. A moment ago, he’d seemed uncomfortable too, but now he looked relaxed.
“So that was the reason.”
“A little.” I remarked “I don’t care if you’re rich,” I lied. “It’s just that...” I hesitated for a few seconds “We’re so different...”
That was it. I’d said it. I looked at him, embarrassed by my little confession.
“I don’t think we’re so different.” His voice turned serious and solemn.
“Oh please! Look at you.” I said pointing at him with both hands. “And look at me. Beauty and the Beast.” I added sarcastically.
“I don’t agree with the image you have of me, and I hate...” he breathed, his blue eyes searching me out, “…the image you have of yourself. So please don’t change the title of the story. More like you’re Beauty and I’m the Beast.” His eyes burned into mine as he spoke.
He, the most handsome man that could be found on earth, was telling me that he thought I was beautiful, to my face? My cheeks went red, and I couldn’t do anything about it. He looked away and let me breathe again.
“A Beast with plenty of money,” he shrugged.
I laughed at such nonsense. I was more relaxed now. It was possible that the afternoon wouldn’t turn out so badly after all. I felt more comfortable than I’d expected.
“Want to come in?” I said as I opened the car door. It was nice to feel the cold on my cheeks.
I called out ‘Hi’ when I got home. In the end I hadn’t told Nicole that Erik would be coming that afternoon. There was no answer.
“Like a drink?”
“No, thanks.” He was distracted, looking at the pictures in the hallway.
I went into the kitchen. I did need a drink. I grabbed a glass, filled it with water and drank it. My throat was dry, as if I’d swallowed a bag full of sand. I choked when I heard his voice so close.
“Your mother’s out.” I turned and I saw him pointing at a note that was stuck to the fridge with a magnet. I hadn’t seen it. It was from Nicole.
“Honey, they called from the hospital. They’re overrun and need me to work a double shift. Sorry I couldn’t warn you before. See you tomorrow. Don’t stay up late.
I love you; big kiss
, Mom.”
“It looks like we're alone,” I heard him say mischievously, as he raised an eyebrow. I’d never seen him do that before. It was naughty, sexy and as with everything he did, it was very attractive. ‘Control yourself!’ I thought, as my heart began to miss beats.
“Yeah, well. Now what? Shall we get down to work?” I tried to sound unconcerned. I needed to change the topic if I was going to at least seem calm and collected for the rest of the afternoon.
My mother would kill me when she found out that Erik had come home with me. It was one of her unbreakable rules. No boys when she wasn’t at home. So far this rule hadn’t been a problem; in fact, I was amused that Nicole had such old-fashioned morals.
“I brought this.”
We were sitting at the kitchen table, with lots of notes scattered around.
Erik grabbed a book from his bag and put it in my hand, touching my palm gently, causing another shock in every nerve ending.
I concentrated on the book he had just given me. It was a compilation of the greatest works of William Shakespeare. I opened it, looking for the ones I liked.
We spent more than two hours analyzing the book. Comparing my notes with his. Our views couldn’t have been more different. I loved the world Shakespeare had created in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It seemed magical and idyllic to me, a place where no one was master of their own fate. How unexpected the future could be and how the heart could change in a single night, thanks to the machinations of mystical beings.
Erik saw everything from a cold and rational point of view, but it didn’t make sense to apply logic to the magic of love.
“I'm more a Sciences kind of guy.” He smoothed his hair. “Everything about emotions and feelings is too complicated. Love is dangerous.”
“Why?”
“Because, as you said, love can’t be controlled. You can’t think clearly and that's not good.” His expression seemed almost tortured, as if he had more in his head than what he was saying.
He wasn’t talking about the assignment any more, I was sure of that. This was personal. I wanted to explore it, and find out what was making him act like that.
“Haven’t you ever fallen in love?”
“Doesn’t enter into my plans.” That was neither a yes nor a no. All it did was increase my curiosity.
“Are you afraid of falling in love?” I regretted what I’d said as soon as the words came out when I saw how he was looking at me.
“I like to be in control of my mind in every way and love…” he said, looking at me “…love isn’t an option for me.”
His voice was hard, but his eyes expressed an infinite sadness.
“I don’t believe that falling in love is optional.” What was I looking for? Did I think he would confess he was in love with me? It was stupid to think like that, I’d just be in for the biggest disappointment of my life.
His face was tense. His lips made a thin line and his forehead was wrinkled. He was upset. I’d gone too far with my curiosity. In the end we hardly knew each other, certainly not well enough to act that way.
“I think I'd better go.” He stood up and began to put his notes away.
I watched him, in a state of shock. I didn’t want him to leave. Not this way.
“All right,” I said, contradicting myself. “We’re almost done.”
“Give me those,” he said brusquely, snatching the notes out of my hands. “I’ll finish it.”
“You don’t have to...” He covered my mouth with one finger and a million butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
“You've done enough. I'll finish the rest. Don’t worry.”
I walked him to the door. I felt devastated by him leaving so suddenly.
“Well… thanks,” I said as he went outside. I didn’t know what else to say.
“See you tomorrow,” he said, walking towards his car.
I closed the door and stood there. I was leaning against the doorframe, thinking about him. There was something odd about how he’d behaved. I could understand why he’d gotten so angry. I’d been too inquisitive. I breathed in deeply. His scent was still lingering around the house. I went over every single detail, savoring it all, although it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
The weekend was like a blessing right then. I’d been pushed to the limit. I needed to disconnect after so many tests. We were a week away from the Christmas break. I couldn’t believe how fast the time was going. The first term was gone before I could take it in.
We left school talking about possible plans for the next day. Beth wanted to go shopping, just for a change. Megan suggested a trip to the lake. We were expecting good weather, with low temperatures but sunny. It would be nice to see the lake, all iced over, like every winter. Thomas was fine with whatever we decided, just to get away from home and not hang around with his younger brothers.
“Let's go to the lake.” Megan repeated “The stores aren’t going anywhere in a hurry, but where else will we see scenery like that?”
“You're right.” I supported Megan's proposal, “I vote for going to the lake.”
“Ok by me.” added Thomas, voting with us.
“All right,” Beth muttered “But on one condition.” She paused; we were all ears. “That Daniel and Erik come too.”
“Erik?” I went as white as a ghost.
We hadn’t spoken since that unfortunate evening at home.
“Yes,” she said with a broad smile.
“No!” I protested.
“Why not?” Thomas asked, having pretty much stayed out of it until now. “I don’t want to be surrounded by wacky, judgmental harpies like you guys. Variety is the spice of life, right?”
“Well you don’t have to come,” I muttered; Beth and Megan laughed.
“Come on, don’t be like that. What's wrong? I thought you'd be thrilled with the idea. Anyway, Thomas is right; we do need a bit of variety in our little gang.”
I knew what kind of variety Beth wanted. It was irrational, but I still didn’t feel ready to confront her face to face.
“I think it’s a good idea, too,” said Megan timidly, but it cut me like a knife.
“So it’s decided, then. I'll call Daniel.”
Beth could hardly contain herself. And I wanted to disappear, to melt into the asphalt beneath my feet.
“You’ll be glad to know...” Beth called out running towards me, switching off her cell phone. “Daniel doesn’t have Erik’s number and now, it’d be impossible to find him and tell him,” she said, looking at the closed door of the school.
I sighed. Was it relief or disappointment? Oh my God! How complicated was this getting?! Only a few minutes ago I was terrified of the idea of Erik coming with us and now I knew he wasn’t, I was desperate.
It was crazy.
Beth and I said goodbye to Thomas and Megan. We were on our way home. She explained to me again and again why she was excited, because Daniel had invited her to dinner the next day, after our little jaunt.
“I really like him,” she said.
“You always say that.”
“That’s not true. Daniel’s different.”
”All right.” I didn’t say anything else. It was only a matter of time before her prince began to turn back into a frog.
“You don’t believe me.” She stood in front of me with her arms folded across her chest “Sorry for not being an ice-queen who frightens away any guy who gets near her.”
“I haven’t frightened anyone away.” I knew she was talking about me and Erik. I didn’t want to argue with her about my life, or rather about my lack of a love life or anything similar.
“Really? What about your blue eyed boy? A few days ago you were crazy about him, and now suddenly you don’t want to know. I don’t get you at all.”
“You have no idea what you're talking about.”
“And you’re not going to tell me, right?” She was still blocking my way.
I hated it when she acted like that, but this time
it wasn’t going to work for her. I wasn’t going to say anything, mostly because I had no idea what had happened. Was he ignoring me? Or was I ignoring him? The truth was, I didn’t have the remotest idea what was happening. We were acting like two complete strangers.
“Stop talking trash and let's go. I'm hungry.”
“You’ll tell me eventually. It’s just a matter of time.”
“Maybe, but it won’t be today, so please stop. You’ll end up giving me a migraine.”
We continued walking in silence until we got to my house. Hers was a few blocks down.
“What time shall we meet?”
“At four, unless you also have a problem with time,” she sniped, sarcastically.
“You’re unbearable,” I said, giving her a little shove.
She pushed me back with a smile. That was the best thing about Beth; her anger only lasted a few minutes.
Nicole wasn’t at home, so I went straight to my room, after eating reheated macaroni from the fridge. I lay on the bed and closed my eyes. The fact that I wasn’t talking to Erik didn’t mean I didn’t dream about him.
It was Saturday.
I got up slowly. I took my time, stretching myself awake like a cat. The hot water from the shower ran down my back, relaxing my muscles. The smell of pancakes floated up the staircase as I went down.
“Good morning, honey. Hope you have an appetite!” said my mother, shaking the pan. “I'm making a lot of pancakes.”
I shook my head with a smile. Nicole was hopeless. She always made pancakes for breakfast when she was in a good mood. The problem was she made so many we ended up eating them for a whole week.
“Great, mom.”
I started taking pieces which were she’d already put on a plate and I seared my fingers.
“Are you going to do anything today?”
“We’re going to the lake for a walk,” I replied, swallowing another piece of pancake with jelly.
“All right, but don’t come back too late. I don’t want you in the woods when it gets dark.”
Nicole was looking through yesterday’s newspaper, while I was eating my huge pile of pancakes. She grimaced in disgust when she turned the page. I had no idea what she’d just read to make her face change like that.
“By the way, I keep meaning to ask you something and I always forget. Do you know anyone called Lilian?”
“No.” The name didn’t ring any bells. “Why?”
“She was in ER last week, she was very sick.” I knew she was hiding something “She’s your age and I just wanted to know if she went to your school, maybe your class even.”
“What happened?” I asked, as if I knew the girl, but it was pure curiosity.
“She’d just given birth. Someone left her at the door of the hospital, alone and unconscious, without a trace of the baby, or the baby's father.” She carried on talking, more to herself than to me. “It’s very strange. It says here that there have been more cases like this in the past three years and not only in this country.”
“That's awful” I said indignantly.
“I know, and worst of all, she doesn’t remember what happened. She just asks over and over again why she’s in hospital. She doesn’t even remember being pregnant.”
Nicole's tone showed pain and repulsion at the same time. She sometimes got too involved with her patients, but I had to admit that this was no ordinary case.
“So you can’t do anything to help that poor girl?” ‘I wouldn’t like to be in her shoes,’ I thought.
“No. We called the police and her parents, but, there’s nothing more we can do. Anyway, I don’t want to spoil your day with my stories. By the way, you be careful, there are a lot of crazy men out there.”
“Don’t worry mom.”
I carried on eating breakfast in silence, watching my mother. She had a big heart, and it showed in her job. She deserved to be happy. She had never considered the idea of rebuilding her life with someone else, but sometimes, when I saw her sad and staring through the curtains, looking at some imaginary spot down the street, I wanted her to find someone new to make her smile again.
The morning sped by, between homework and housework.
I dressed quickly when I saw the clock. Some faded jeans, a nice turtleneck, sports shoes and my thickest coat was enough for me as my outfit for the afternoon.
The horn sounded outside. I gave Nicole a kiss and dashed out into the street, dragging my backpack behind me.
The car was full. Thomas, Megan and I were crammed into the back seat. Beth and Daniel were in the front.
“Are you ready?” Beth asked. Without waiting for an answer, she accelerated and we started making our way towards the lake.
THE LAKE
“The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze.”
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer
Double Moon Page 7
