CONFESSIONS
“Love is a mystery. Everything about it is the most inexplicable phenomenon, everything about it is illogical, and everything about it is vague and absurd.”
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer
I took my time getting dressed when I got out of the shower. I still had my hair wrapped in a towel when someone pounded on the door of my room.
It was Beth. I knew it without opening the door.
“You!” she shouted pointing a finger at me, opening the door wide. “You can start talking!” She was mad. “And you better have a good story, for the sake of our friendship.” She crossed her arms, leaning against the doorframe.
“I'm sorry,” I pouted. It always worked and this time was no different. She relaxed slightly, hiding a smile.
“Tell me about it, and I want the complete version, with all the details, ok?”
“I don’t have much to say. Erik wanted to be alone with me.” I tried to look sincere. After all, it was true.
Her face changed one hundred percent. Every trace of anger disappeared, replaced by total curiosity.
“This sounds promising.” She came into my room and sat quickly on the bed. “By the way, it wouldn’t have hurt to call to let me know; I would’ve even settled for a text message.”
I raised an eyebrow. She was lying.
“Are you sure?”
We started to laugh while we went into the bathroom so I could finish getting ready.
“So… What did you get up to, the two of you, all on your own?” she asked slyly.
“You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Well that’s usually the right tree to bark up.”
“For you, maybe!” I said sharply. The slap she gave me on the leg was to be expected. “We just talked, trying to get to know each other better.”
“My God! All this talking! If you carry on like that, you'll know him better than you know your mother. And you call that a date?” She gave an exaggerated snort “He’s gay, for sure!”
“Shut up!” I shouted, throwing the comb I had in my hand. She was crazy, but I adored her.
“Ready.” I took one last look in the mirror.
We’d finished classes, but today we had a tutorial. We had to start making the arrangements for graduation.
“I don’t know why you care so much. If you were wearing a potato sack, Erik would be looking at you with big cow eyes.”
“Don’t be dumb.”
“You don’t see it because you’re inside the cloud that’s around the two of you.” she explained, suddenly getting all serious “And you act stupid whenever the Viking Hunk appears. We've all noticed.”
I elbowed her playfully and we went happily on our way to school. It felt good to be with this nutcase of a girl. As we walked, she spent the whole time pulling faces, imitating mine every time Erik appeared. We laughed long and hard for a good while.
I glimpsed the school building in the distance and immediately I began to sweat. It was time to face him again, although I wasn’t sure if I was going to see him. It wasn’t compulsory to attend the meeting, so he probably wouldn’t come. But what if he did? Should I keep my distance until he came to me, or should I be the one to make the first move?
I was full of doubts.
I walked through the gym door and saw him. The vision I had of him was painfully beautiful. His golden hair was matted, framing his angelic face. His eyes were on me. I shuddered when the cold of his gaze met mine.
The meeting was slow and boring. When it finished, Erik disappeared. My blood froze in my veins as I understood what that meant. It was all over, without even getting started. Beth pulled me out of my paralysis with a nudge. We went to the cafeteria. We needed something to warm us up after an hour in the cold gym.
“We need to talk.” I heard a voice behind me.
I didn’t answer, I didn’t breathe; I thought it was a hallucination of my sick mind. I turned slowly and there he was in all his glory. He was leaning on the back of my chair. I nodded, unable to utter a word. He reached out a hand. I took it hesitantly but happily, feeling my body recharging with that electricity which made my heart pump.
“Shall we go for a stroll?”
“If you want to,” I answered without looking at him.
My mind was working fast. He wanted to talk to me, but if it was something bad, we certainly wouldn’t be holding hands like this. When we got outside he stopped a few feet from me, his blue eyes sparkling like a sunlit sea.
“You were right.”
“Really?” I said timorously, not daring to ask him what he was referring to.
“Yes. I’m afraid of what I feel for you.”
I was dazed. I think I even stopped breathing. Was he going to ask me to go out with him? Was that it? I’d been waiting for this to happen for so long and now I didn’t know if I was ready. I listened carefully to what he said.
“When I saw you for the first time something uncontrollable drew me to you, as if you were a magnet.” I was about to speak, to tell him that the same thing had happened to me, but he stopped me with his hand. “Let me finish or I don’t know if I'll have the strength to tell you what I have to say again.” My skin prickled and my heart began to beat furiously “I feel an irresistible urge to be with you, to know all of you, to hear your voice, to lose myself in your honey-golden eyes, to feel the warmth of your skin... I don’t think I can live without you.”
He leaned slowly towards me, bringing his face close to mine, fixing me with his penetrating gaze. My heart somersaulted. I felt his soft hands caressing my cheeks. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin. His lips got a little closer, until they brushed mine. I was in seventh heaven. The taste of his mouth was sweet as his voice. All this in just seconds, but that kiss contained all the tenderness the world could offer. I wanted more but he pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against mine. My breathing was ragged, like his.
“This complicates everything.” he whispered, sliding his lips along my cheek. I was fainting with happiness.
Why was wanting to be together so complicated? We wouldn’t be the first or the last couple in the world. A thought struck my mind like lightning: Why hadn’t I thought of it before?
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurted out. His face was the picture of surprise.
“No,” he said very seriously. “Why?”
“Well, because of the way you’re acting and what you just said, that we’re complicating everything. I don’t know, I just thought that might be the reason.” From the way he looked at me, I realized how incoherent my reasoning sounded.
He laughed. He didn’t say anything, but pulled me closer to him. He wrapped his arms round my waist and hugged me. I could feel his chest heaving as he laughed.
“What’s so funny?” I was starting to feel ridiculous.
“You’re so naive! I love it.” He slid his hands down my back and whispered in my ear: “Don’t ever change.”
“Even if I say stupid stuff like that?” I looked at him suspiciously. I didn’t know if he was serious or if he was kidding.
“Especially because you say stupid stuff like that.” He smoothed my hair back.
I didn’t know what else to say. Right then, words were irrelevant. I just felt the warmth of his embrace, leaning my head on his chest. I half-closed my eyes and let myself get carried away by the delicious pleasure of his fingers down my back. Time went fast, but I wasn’t aware of it.
I could have spent my whole life like that. I recalled his words again and again, savoring them.
Erik was also right about my fears. He’d just opened up his heart and I couldn’t open mine completely. Only a few words were needed to express what I felt for him. But once I’d said them, there’d be no turning back. My words stuck in my throat. My body was fighting inside. I wanted to tell him what he meant to me, but a small part of me was afraid of what might happen if I laid bare my feelings for him.
“You don’t ne
ed to say anything.” I jumped at what I’d just said. Had I thought out loud? His voice was sweet as a melody “You’re tense. Stop thinking about what you're going to say. I know how you feel about me; I see it in your eyes.”
So that’s what it was. He could feel my tension and interpreted it correctly. It scared me how incredibly close we’d just been. People say that when you spend many years sharing your life with another person, you can communicate with just a look. Erik and I had taken a few days to get to that point.
“I want to tell you,” I said, turning away a little to see his face and especially his eyes. He looked happy. “I owe it to you. You were honest with me and you deserve the same from me. It's only fair.”
“In this life nothing’s fair.” I saw a flash of bitterness in his blue eyes “You don’t owe me anything. When you're ready I'll be here to listen. But only when you really want to tell me, don’t feel you have to do it.”
“I love you.” The sound of my voice scared me, but I felt a sort of instant relief.
It was as if a great weight had fallen from my shoulders. I didn’t think, I’d just got carried away and the words came out. He squeezed me hard against his chest again. I could hardly breathe. His voice whispered my name again and again, with his head buried in my hair.
The school bell tore us from our little bubble of happiness. There were no classes but the bell rang. As if a simple tutorial needed a formal announcement like that. There couldn’t be anyone around at that time of day.
“Do you want to go and find the others?”
“No.”
He gave me a big smile as I held his hand.
“Let's go.” His face was lit by a special light that made it even more beautiful.
What had I done to deserve this angel? I squeezed his hand hard, fearing that if I let it go he would disappear and everything would go back to how it was before. We sat on a bench in a small, lonely park.
“Now, can you tell me more about your life?”
“What else do you want to know, besides the fact that you are my life?”
My legs trembled when I heard him say that. Luckily we were sitting down and he didn’t notice.
“Tell me about your family.”
He paused to think before answering, as he usually did whenever he talked about himself. Was he being honest with me? Again I had the feeling that Erik was hiding something.
“My parents live in Iceland, as you know. I moved here a few months ago. You know that too.” He was right, he wasn’t telling me anything new. It seemed as if he’d learned a script and didn’t want to stray off it “I live in a small house outside town that my parents have rented for a while.”
He was uncomfortable. He didn’t like talking about his life. ‘Strange, very strange,’ I thought. But even worse, I didn’t just think it, I also whispered it.
“What’s strange?” He plucked my words out of the air.
“You,” I said without thinking. Unlike him, I just came out with the first thing that came into my head when I was with him. “I have a feeling you're hiding something. What is there in your life that you don’t want to let me into?” I could see in his face that I was right. “Erik, are you okay?” I asked, worried when he didn’t react. He was starting to scare me; he looked petrified. Then the roar of an engine caught my attention.
Without giving me time to say anything he stood up, as if he wanted to hide me with his body. Like he was protecting me. Why? I saw no danger, only a bike like his.
I gasped at the sight. It wasn’t like his bike. It was his bike! I’d seen it on the first day of class. It was the same bike which was there that night after work. Now I was the one who was petrified. What did it all mean? Wasn’t Erik the strange rider? Who was it?
Erik's body was tense as the bike stopped a few yards from us. I couldn’t do anything, I was unable to react.
“Luke,” Erik said with a nod.
“Erik,” said the rider, taking off his helmet, one foot on the ground without getting off the motorcycle. “I was looking for you.”
If Erik was my best dream, that biker had become my worst nightmare, and they knew each other too. But why was Erik reacting like that? My curiosity was stronger than my fear and I watched leaning to one side, trying to see who this guy Luke was.
“Ah!” I covered my mouth with my hands. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
They were the same! They were identical! Well, almost identical. The rider didn’t have Erik’s golden brown hair, his was red. But the eyes, mouth, jaw... they were twins.
Now I knew why I’d thought it was Erik that night. In the dark the few differences between them had gone unnoticed.
“What’s she doing with you?” frowned the red-haired rider.
“None of your business,” said Erik rudely.
I couldn’t speak; I was astonished; I could only watch them. Maybe I could tie some loose ends together now.
“Don’t be so sure. You know what’ll happen if they find out about this?”
Luke pointed a finger at me. I thought that maybe their parents wouldn’t be happy that Erik was wasting his time with me, given his threatening tone of voice.
“They don’t have to know, nothing’s happened.” Erik’s tension was increasing; you could hear it in his voice.
“Really?” Luke replied with a mischievous smile as he leaned over to see me better. “Wait! I know you.” he added closing his eyes, the same blue as my angel’s, but murkier. He didn’t look like a guy to be trusted. “I see you're still looking for dangerous situations.” He rested his gaze on Erik again “She’s a curious girl, but I still don’t understand why you insist on risking so much. You know how all this is going to end.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that.” Erik's voice sounded tortured. I couldn’t see his face but I imagined his eyes were like ice.
“You know there’s no choice.” I heard something like begging in the rider’s voice.
I was totally creeping out. Apart from the surprise of discovering that the boy of my dreams had a twin, nothing else made any sense. I didn’t understand what they were talking about. Why was it so wrong that Erik and I were together? I needed to know.
“What's going on here? Erik, what's this all about?” I got up and I tried to move to look into his eyes, but his arms held me on his back with a strength that I couldn’t fight.
“Please Luke,” Erik went on, ignoring my questions. “Let me handle this my way. You don’t understand. This is different.”
“Well, I just see a pretty face, like so many others,” said the biker.
“I'm not going to argue with you anymore; besides who are you to give me orders?” Erik's voice had changed. Now it was authoritative, firm. “We'll talk later. Now keep your mouth shut, for your own good.”
The threat was serious. I felt a shiver running down my spine.
“Hey, calm down!” Luke put his helmet on and started his bike up, filling the silence of the park with a deafening noise. “I only came to warn you. The rest is up to you.”
He looked at me again and I could feel the coldness of his eyes through the dark glass of his helmet. He accelerated and disappeared down the road as quickly as he’d come.
“I think you owe me an explanation.” I stood in front of him with my arms crossed. I was confused by what had just happened, but I was furious because I didn’t understand anything. This time he was going to tell me everything. I wanted the truth.
“Can we leave it for another day?” He wasn’t looking at me. He looked… embarrassed? Yes, I think he was embarrassed by the situation.
“No!” I said abruptly, “Not this time. Apparently this has something to do with me, so I'm entitled to know the truth. Or maybe you should listen to your ‘buddy,’ I added, emphasizing the last word.
“What do you mean by listening to Luke?” Again that mask gripped his face.
I hated to see him like this. It made me feel far away from him even if he was right next to
me. But my decision was firm.
“Well if you’re not going to tell me what's happening, we can’t go on.” It took a lot of effort to control the tone of my voice. I don’t like hypocrites.
I couldn’t imagine being without him. The beating of my heart, shattered at the sound of my own words, had become a mere reflex, a routine, mechanical act. Whether I would feel these palpitations ever again depended on his decision.
“I'll take you home. It's late and I'd rather you weren’t alone.”
“I don’t need a guard dog.”
I spoke against my better judgment, blinded by rage at my own ignorance. I wanted to hold on to him with all my strength but that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I should end this before it was too late. Or maybe it was too late.
I started walking, very slowly because of my ankle, which still hurt when I overdid it. I heard his footsteps behind me.
“Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“I'm sorry, but I won’t let you get away from me.”
“Are you threatening me?” I didn’t like the tone of his voice.
“Of course not! How could you even think that?” His mask fell away. His face looked shrunken, anxious; his eyes were clear and sincere.
“So, what’s so dangerous?”
“I didn’t say that...”
“Erik please, stop lying to me. You didn’t even tell me you had a twin brother. How do you expect me to trust you after that? I need the truth once and for all.”
He hesitated. He seemed to be thinking what to do. When he looked at me I saw determination in his eyes. I knew that at last he was going to reveal his secret.
Double Moon Page 11
