by Kay Maree
“Truth? It’s not that bad but the problem is I am going to need to order a part and it will take a couple of days.”
“Damnit. I knew it. I can’t afford to miss work or to get a rental.”
“About that, I walk to work every day, so I have a car at home which quite frankly could use some breaking in. How about tonight after dinner you drive me back home and you can use mine until your truck is ready?”
“That’s too much Tommy. I know you feel bad but giving me your car is over the top.”
“Well, I am not giving you my car, I am just loaning it to you until yours is ready.”
“What if you need to go somewhere?”
I laugh to myself thinking about the lack of places I need to go. My groceries are delivered by Amazon along with everything else I need. I haven’t seen anyone since I’ve been back except my Dad and stepmom, but I don’t want to give everything away just yet. That will happen soon enough.
“If I need a ride, I’ll get an Uber or hit you up for a lift. How’s that sound?”
“Yeah. That sounds fair. You know we don’t have Uber, here right?”
This time I laugh out loud.
“Damn, I didn’t think we were in that small of a town.”
“Okay, thank you for calling Tommy but I have to get back to an appointment. I’ll see you for dinner tonight at six o’clock.”
“Perfect. See you then.”
I hang up and make a list of all the things I need to order for the truck. The truth is some of them are going to take a few days. If this thing has any chance at surviving for another decade, I’ll have to rebuild the engine and clean everything else.
Butch leans over my shoulder as I start putting all the parts in the computer system.
“Damn, that’s a lot of parts. They are better off getting a new truck.”
“Butch, I hope you won’t mind, but this is going to be a personal project. If that’s okay with you.”
“Well, well, well Gable, I was beginning to think you didn’t have a story, but I guess you do.” He winks and wiggles his eyebrows for effect.
“It is for a good cause.”
“Oh, I have a very good idea what that cause is.”
“Well, it’s something like that. I am going to pay for the parts. I just need to make sure if anyone calls about this truck, they are told the part is on backorder but should be here in a few days. That’s it.”
“You sure that’s it?”
“Positive.”
“The boys are going to love this one.”
“Wait. Why do you have to tell them?” I can already see the gossip mill churning this story into something it can never be.
“Well, lover boy, what if one of them answers the phone? You think they should tell the pretty lady that her truck is being rebuilt and may take a month?”
“No, I don’t think that’s a great idea. By the way it won’t take a month.”
“We still talking about the truck Tommy?”
Butch laughs and walks out into the garage. I have no doubt when I hear the volume of voices increase just a few minutes later that the entire staff is in on my plan. Just fantastic.
I can’t back out now.
With the parts ordered and all my other work finished for the day I walk home so I can get ready for dinner with Ella and Lina.
Present
“Lina, can you get the door?”
“Yes ma’am!”
I am standing on the porch waiting for the door to open enjoying the sounds and smells that are wafting around me. My apartment is quiet. Too quiet most of the time. I’m used to the noise of sharing my space with multiple people. My mouth is watering at the prospect of my first home cooked meal in years. When my Dad and stepmom came to visit, we went out to eat since I don’t know how to cook.
“Hi Tommy!”
I envy the never-ending supply of energy Lina seems to have.
“Thank you. These are for you.” I remove one of the small bouquets of flowers I had hidden behind my back and extend them to her.
“Thank you! They are so pretty.” She brings the flowers up to her nose and takes an over exaggerated whiff. “Mmmmm”
“I am glad you like them. Do you think your mom would like some flowers too?”
Lina shakes her head up and down enthusiastically before motioning for me to follow her.
“Mom look what Tommy brought me!”
“That is very nice. Put those on the counter and I’ll get a vase for you in just a minute.” Ella turns to me and asks, “Can I get you anything to drink?”
“I have something for you.” I instantly feel myself regressing to my preteen days of feeling nervous around a pretty girl.
“Thank you. It’s been a long time since someone brought me flowers.” The blush on her cheeks as she takes them to her nose doesn’t escape my gaze. She sniffs them much like Lina did but with much less gusto.
“I am so happy to have a home cooked meal bringing flowers was the least I could do. Besides, I wasn’t sure what kind of wine Lina liked.”
Ella laughs and this time I can see a quick light sparkle in her eyes. I love the sound of her laugh. I see a vase on top of the fridge and grab it. I walk to the sink and Lina sits at the dining room table working on homework. I fill the vase up with water and a surreal feeling washes over me.
This is someone else’s life.
This is Mike’s life.
The vase slips out of my hand and bumps the bottom of the sink with a loud thunk. Thank goodness it didn’t break. Thank goodness I didn’t ruin anything else.
“Can I put my flowers in now?”
Lina has appeared to my right with her flowers pushed onto the countertop.
“You know I think this vase is big enough we can put yours and your mom’s in the same one. What do you think? Good idea?”
“Yeah. Mom, can I put your flowers in the vase?”
“Sure, can you come grab them? My hands are full.”
“Yes ma’am.”
Lina returns with the flowers and we unwrap the bouquets and arrange them both in the water.
“What do you think? Should we put it on the table? Ella is there anything I can help you with?”
“No. No. Lina is your homework done?”
“Almost.”
“Let’s get it done before we eat please. I bet Tommy would love to help you.”
She winks at me as she turns back to the stove. Looks like I am doing homework. Then again, I always was the one who helped everyone with their homework.
Past
Books and notes fill the worn dining room table. Mike has his head in his hands.
“This makes no sense.”
“I know. We just have to find a way that it makes sense to you.”
“Man, what do I need physics for?”
“You need it to graduate, so let’s figure out how to make you understand.”
“If you can do this you should rethink your dream of being a mechanic and apply for sainthood.”
“Good one, Mike. Let’s find the right connection for you.” I think for a moment and it comes to me clearly what will make the most sense to him. “Physics and football go hand in hand.” I look at him with a proud grin, but he looks back at me like I just spoke in Latin.
“Are you crazy? This stuff has nothing to do with football.”
“Sure, it does. You know how last game you were way downfield, and you threw the ball high and landed exactly where Rodgers was?”
“Yeah that was a crazy catch.”
“Okay, so let's draw the arch of the ball. Then I can show you what I mean.”
I draw out the football field with an ‘x’ marking him and another ‘x’ marking the receiver.
“Now when you threw the ball it looked like this.”
I draw an arch connecting the two points. At the highest point I draw a line connecting the arch to the football field.
“The only thing I see is a big boob. I don’t see any physics.” Mike laughs but I don’t.
“Let’s get your mind off boobs for a second and focused on this.”
“Why? I like boobs more than I like physics. Have you seen Becky’s lately? I don’t know what she did last summer but it worked out great for her.”
“Mike, you can’t be serious! What happened with you and Ella?”
“Nothing. That’s the point. She barely lets me kiss her. Can you blame me?”
“Listen, it’s none of my business but I think you should just not worry about it and treat Ella right.”
“Tommy these girls are throwing themselves at me left and right. Every football party I am spending more time fighting them off than having fun.”
My blood boils in my veins more and more with every word he speaks. I can’t believe he has a girl like Ella, and he wants to look twice at Becky or anyone else. Shit, I can barely think about another girl and I’m not the one dating her. I guess that is part of the problem.
We’ve had some version of this conversation before. I thought when they started dating that he would settle down. He had done a great job of convincing her he wasn’t the playboy everyone said he was. Now I’m stuck as the secret keeper to both of them. I’m stuck between them like the worst third wheel of all time.
“Just do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Take care of Ella. She’s a good girl and you know that. She isn’t just some girl. Now let’s get back to your homework or no one is going to want your dumb ass.”
I hold my breath and when Mike laughs, I release it. Another landmine averted. I hope, as I have done before, this is the last time we’ll have this talk. Unfortunately, there is a reason they say history repeats itself. Ours certainly did.
Present
I help Ella bring everything to the table while Lina puts her freshly completed homework away. I want to pause this moment and hold onto it forever. Ella is in front of me and I am following her with the last of our meal. The warmth of the food. The closeness of her. The instant bond I feel with Lina. A moment of serenity comes over me. A feeling of domestic normality that I have never known before soothes me and encompasses me.
“Tommy?”
I realize I must have gone deep in my thoughts. A place I don’t often want to go but the place I was just in could keep me forever.
“Sorry. I got a little lost there for a second.”
“Where would you like to sit?”
“You tell me. I’m so grateful for this meal I will sit in the kitchen if you want.”
“That’s silly, Tommy.” Lina giggles behind her napkin and quickly drops it back into her lap when her mother looks at her. “You can sit by me”
I nod my head and take the seat next to her. Ella passes the bowl of vegetables to me after she puts them on Lina’s plate. Next is a roast chicken that looks like it came out of a magazine.
“This looks amazing. Thank you so much.”
“Really it’s just roast chicken and vegetables. It’s the least we could do for you helping us.”
“Well I appreciate it very much.”
“Are we having dessert tonight, Mom?”
“I have some ice cream for dessert tonight.”
“Do you like ice cream Tommy?”
“I do.”
Having dessert is a great idea. I almost forgot the terms of this meal. Not only is it a thank you but Ella wants answers. She deserves them. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since Mike died. I’d like to say that was her decision, but the truth is, it was mine. I couldn’t look at her knowing what I knew. I failed her in every way possible. Some friend I turned out to be. Now that I have her back in my life, I know what I knew in third grade. She’s the only woman I will ever love, and I still don’t deserve her.
“Do you want more chicken or vegetables?”
“No thank you. Can I help with dishes?”
Lina chimes in immediately. “Yes! You can definitely do the dishes. That way we get ice cream faster.”
“Is that so, Michaelina? You can help Tommy do the dishes since it’s your night. Isn’t that right young lady.”
“Yes ma’am. Come on Tommy after we do the dishes, we get dessert”
At her urgent prompting we laugh and set about doing the dishes together. In the moments I found myself the most alone I would imagine a life as splendidly boring as this to chase away the darkness. It was the idea of something beyond my immediate situation that always propelled me forward.
I never dared to imagine Ella would be part of it.
That was too cruel even for my own imagination.
We finish the dishes and then dessert. Lina disappears down the hallway after saying good night and a giving me a quick hug. Ella turns to me after she is out of our line of sight.
“I am going to put her to bed, when I get back do you want some coffee?”
“That would be great. I can start it while you are putting her to bed. Just show me where everything is.”
Ella points to the cabinet above the coffee maker and I turn away from her to start my task.
“I didn’t want to discuss anything in front of Lina but when I get back it’s time for you to hold up your end of the bargain.”
I want to buy more time. I want to leave while she is down the hallway so I can hold on to the moments we’ve shared tonight can imprint on my mind and I can hold them forever.
What I want and what is going to happen is not the same thing. I answer her simply.
“I know.”
I take the coffee pot and fill it with water. I stare out into the dark backyard still not sure what I am going to tell her.
Past
“Hey man, you have enough for me?”
Mike drags into the kitchen like a zombie. I hand him the cup I just filled. When I go to take another mug down from the shelf, I hear a second set of feet shuffle into the kitchen. I don’t turn around until I hear the voice of a woman.
“Why are you up so early?”
Mike hurries over to her and guides her back towards the hallway with one arm on her elbow.
After a few minutes he comes back into the kitchen. I’m at the stove cooking one of the few things I can. The eggs are unfortunately taking the brunt of my anger until Mike returns.
“Hey man, sorry about that.”
I shrug my shoulders at him wishing this was the first time I was in this position. It’s not. It’s just the first time he’s put me in this position in my own home. Usually I only have to face him dragging in early in the morning from someplace he should not have been. Rather than have an argument I try to focus on the meal.
“You want breakfast?”
“Yeah.”
“Am I going to be making breakfast for two or three people today?”
“Just two. She’s gone.”
“You know Mike, I just don’t get it. Why can't you just be happy with the life you have?”
“Listen, Tommy, I know you always had a thing for Ella but damn what am I supposed to do. She’s there and I’m here.”
“I’ll tell you what you aren’t supposed to do. Don’t fuck every barrack bunny who smiles at you. That would be an amazing start.” I am surprised as my own anger and even more so that I am voicing it. This isn’t my role in the group. I’m the calm and collected one. Mike’s always been the hot head. Now it seems we are switching roles.
“You know what I think would be an amazing start? How about you fuck anyone. I haven’t seen you with a woman in months. Maybe if you were getting laid you would get off my back.”
“You need me on your back or you will find yourself a very lonely man. You are going to fuck up everything because you can’t get your dick wet enough.”
“Take it easy Tommy. Ella doesn’t know anything about what’s happening here, and no one is going to tell her. Isn’t that right?”
“You thin
k that’s what I want to do to her? She’s the one who decided to marry you. Not me. Besides, I haven’t talked to her in months.”
“That’s right Tommy, Ella married me. I know that has to sting but life doesn’t turn out the way we want sometimes does it? Damn, you think I wanted to get married at eighteen?”
We’ve already had this fight too many times. I stare at my now cold plate of eggs and know I won’t be able to eat them. Just like last time we had this fight. Mike stabs the last of the eggs with his fork and pushes back from the table. He throws his plate into the sink and goes back to his room.
Present
The living room of Ella’s house is cozy. There is a sofa against the wall with several photos hung on the wall above it. A well-used coffee table sits low between the sofa and two arm chairs. I am sitting in one of the arm chairs with my back to the hallway. I place my coffee cup on the table in front of me and wait for Ella to return.
When I sit down, I listen to Ella reading a bedtime story to Lina. Her voice grows softer and quieter as the story continues and I can imagine Lina’s tiny little eyelids fluttering closed. The onslaught of memories from seeing the truck this morning to reliving the fight I had with Mike has taken an emotional toll on my energy and I can feel my own eyes growing heavy. I decide to close them for just a few moments while I wait for Ella to come back.
“Do you think Tommy likes waffles, Mommy?”
I wonder if Lina is having trouble going to sleep. I also realize I need to find the restroom. I open my eyes and find the room flooded with light and a blanket tucked around me in the chair. My first thought is that Ella must have turned on every light in the room, but the blanket and my urgent restroom needs make me understand it is the next morning.
When I stand and stretch out my limbs the blanket falls to the floor. I haven’t slept through the night in a long time. It was well before I returned home that I had a good night’s sleep. If I had to, I could put my finger on an exact date but that would require more energy than I want to exert. I look at my wrist and see its six forty-five. I turn to the kitchen and find Ella dressed and Lina in what looks like pajamas standing next to her.
