by Kay Maree
Her hair is down with loose curls lying over one shoulder. She is sitting stock still looking straight ahead. She hasn’t seen me yet. I take a step onto the walkway and my movement draws her attention to me. She doesn’t get up to answer the door. Our eyes are locked together. Part of me wants to kick in the window and crawl into the room to her and the other wants to suspend this moment in time forever.
I wonder if she’s as nervous as I am. It seems crazy that after all these years there could still be that feeling between us but so much has happened that it’s almost like we are starting over again. This time we don’t have Lina to make things easy between us. It’s just the two of us.
I push the doorbell and wait. I know she is only ten feet away from me but the wait for her to open the door is taking so long I almost move to the window to check on her.
“Hi.” The door opens and the scent of Ella’s perfume and breakfast sweep over me.
“Wow. You look amazing.”
“Thank you. Come in.” Ella stands to the side and I step up into the room. I lean in to kiss her cheek as I walk by. I can’t remember every doing that before, but I couldn’t hold back. The zap from our hands touching is amplified as my lips connect with her skin. I pull back and put my hand to my lips as I walk to the couch. When I sit down Ella is still at the door with one hand on her cheek. Her face has taken on a healthy glow and I love the idea that I put it there.
“Where would you like to go?”
Ella’s head snaps up at my question. I like thinking her mind is wandering to the same places mine is.
“There are a few places downtown. I was thinking we could drive down there and see what looks good.”
“Okay. Would it be okay if I drive?”
“Of course. Let me get the keys.”
I watch her walk into the kitchen to get the car keys. When she bends slightly to lean into her purse I look away. I can’t take my eye off of the fabric flowing over her hips, but I force myself to. When I look down at the coffee table, I see an envelope with her name written on the front and a United States seal on the upper left corner. The frayed edges on the top of the envelope show me it was opened some time ago. I would know the handwriting anywhere. It’s the letter from Mike. The one you write for your loved ones if you don’t get to come home.
Past
“This is the dumbest shit I have ever done.”
I pick my head up and level Mike with my eyes. Of course that has never worked on him. Since we joined the military Mike and I are pretty much the same size. He no longer has the benefit of the football team to bulk him up. Now that we’re both living on the nutrition of the U.S. government and required physical training, we are physically very similar.
“Just do it. Don’t you think Ella and your parents want to know you thought of them?”
“Who are you writing to?”
“My parents, Ella and you.”
“Really? You’re writing to me?”
“Yeah.”
“Damnit. Now I have to write to you too. Can’t I just send an email?”
Humor has always been the way Mike tries to avoid emotional situations. Feelings aren’t the area he excels in.
“Be serious. This isn’t a joke.”
“What’s eating you? I’m just messing around.”
“I just want you to take this serious. We could get killed you know.”
“You don’t think I understand that? I get it. I just don’t want to act like I’m going to die. Do you understand?”
“Yeah. I get it.”
“No, I don’t think you do. Everything isn’t as serious as you think it is. Just do what you’re told when you’re told. They aren’t trying to kill us, Tommy.”
I let the words sink in and can’t help but give him some of his own humor back when I respond.
“You know, for a jock, you’re pretty smart.”
“Easy with the jock stuff. I think it’s safe to say my football days are over.”
“Can’t you go enroll in college after your commitment is up?”
“Yeah but what married former military guy have you heard of going to the NFL?”
“Is that really what you want?”
“It was. I fucked it all up.”
“Hey. Nothing is so fucked up you can’t fix it.”
“Oh yeah? Ella lost the baby. How’s that for fucked up.”
I am floored. They got married because she was pregnant and now, she isn’t pregnant. I can’t believe it.
“Mike, I am really sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay. I just can’t believe this is how things turned out.”
“You know what they say. Everything happens for a reason.”
“Yeah, yeah. You know what I want right now?”
“What?”
“A beer. You want to go get one with me?”
“Sure. Let me just put my letters away.”
I didn’t know one of the things I would have to do after he passed was to finish the final letters, he never got around to doing himself.
Present
I wonder how long Ella has been standing on the other side of the coffee table watching me. I had my eyes down looking at the letter I wrote to Ella after Mike passed. In the past three days I have been dragging myself between the past and the present and it seems like everything is triggering more of my memories.
“Are you ready?”
My eyes look up at her and I know she saw what I was looking at, but she doesn’t say anything else.
“Yes. You look great. Did I already tell you that?”
“You did but I will take all the compliments I can get.” She giggles and the sound tickles my soul.
I open the front door and usher her out with a hand on her lower back. I have the car keys, so I walk ahead of her on the path and open the passenger door for her. After she locks the front door, she walks down the path to the car and gets in. As I close the door, I hear a very quiet “thank you” from the other side of the glass.
I take a deep breath and walk around the back of the car. I’m taking the long way just to gain some purchase over my emotions and thoughts before I get behind the wheel of the car. What I would like to do Is bend over and put my head between my knees, but I think she might notice. I open the driver’s side door and attempt to get into the car, but my knees are on the steering wheel.
Ella looks over at me crumpled like an accordion and laughs. A real genuine laugh that has her almost doubled over.
“Is this funny?” I try to move my arms but every part of my six-foot one-inch frame is jammed up into the space previously occupied by a five-foot six-inch Ella. She has her hand over her mouth, but the laugh continues. I put my arm down and the seat slowly goes back until I no longer have my knees in my diagram.
“Yes, that was really funny. I should have taken a picture.”
“I didn’t realize you needed to sit on the dashboard to drive the car.” I look at her and she laughs again.
“Your legs are a lot longer than mine.”
“Fair enough. Now that I can breathe again let’s get a move on, I am hungry.”
Ella looks up at me and the pink tint has returned to her cheeks.
“Me too.”
I swallow hard and press the ignition button. As I back out of the driveway, I wonder how long I can keep her in my life and not tell her everything. As we drive towards downtown, I let that thought go and decide to enjoy the day as long as possible.
The main attractions of downtown are contained in three blocks of restaurants, bars and shops. Since its Sunday, most of the shops and bars are closed. A few restaurants advertise their brunch specials on double sided chalkboard signs on the sidewalk.
We pull into a space in the center of the strip. I turn off the car and exit to the passenger side. Ella waits patiently for me to open the door. Her hands are folded over her purse which is laid on her lap and she looks up at me thro
ugh the window. The casing of the window frames her face, but it can’t contain her beauty.
I open the door and reach in to the car and extend my hand to her. Its simple manners; the proper etiquette for retrieving a female passenger from her seat. I have done this with family, and even a few more intimate relations but the feel of her hand sliding into mine bends my mind away from proper behavior and pull me towards having her body flush against mine. Every fiber of my being wants to hold her to my body as close as possible. Being a gentleman prevails and I settle for placing my hand on her back to guide her onto the sidewalk.
“What looks good to you?”
Ella looks up and down the street at the options.
“That one looks good.” She points to one of the restaurants with a brunch sign outside. I nod and walk in that direction with my hand still on her back.
The hostess inside greets us with a warm smile. “Table for two?”
“Yes please.”
I guide Ella in front of me and we follow the hostess to our table. I pull out the chair for Ella and she takes her seat. I take the seat next to her and we are each handed a menu. I spend a few minutes taking in the sites of the restaurant. The walls of the restaurant are covered in an eclectic blend of art and antiques. The tables are each covered in white lines with a burlap runner. A mason jar with flowers sits in the center with LED votives on either side.
“What are you going to have?”
I look at Ella. “I’m not sure yet, but I I’m thinking eggs, bacon and pancakes. What about you?”
“I was thinking I would have an omelet.”
“Are you sure that’s what you really want?”
“You think I should try something else? Are you trying to get two meals for you?”
“I always tried that trick and it never worked. You’re the only girl I know who can eat as much as I can.”
“I don’t really go out to eat very much. I’m not sure what I want.”
“Whatever you want you can have. If it’s three things go ahead. You can always take the leftovers to Lina.”
“Lina eats more than I do! You should see her.”
“I saw her take down that waffle the other morning, so I believe it.”
Ella laughs before she responds. “That was nothing. She needs to eat every few hours or she gets hangry. Been that way since she was a baby.”
“Guess she got that from you.”
“It’s hard to tell, Mike always had a big appetite too.”
“Yes. That he did.” I can’t keep the vitriol out of my voice. I am still angry after all these years. Ella’s face says she has noticed my change in demeanor but that she has no idea what caused it. Thankfully our waitress arrives at exactly that moment and I get to shift the moment away from me.
“Hi. I’m Alice and I’ll be your waitress today. Can I start you both with coffee?”
“Yes.” We both answer at the same time and Alice leaves the table to get coffee for us.
“How was the rest of your week after I saw you?”
“We had a few new clients this week that needed placement, so it was busy.”
“Tell me more about your business.”
“We work with military personnel transitioning back to civilian life. We help them find homes, job placement, schools and everything in between.”
“I never knew there was something like that.”
“How did you wind up here?”
“My Dad got remarried so I didn’t want to live him them in Tampa. I wanted something a little smaller, so I looked for a neighborhood with a great body shop and here I am.”
“How did you wind up here?” I parrot the question back to her and hope I’m not picking at a wound that will become my undoing.
“After Mike passed, we stayed with my Mom for a while. The truth is I didn’t know I was pregnant for a few months. He was home on leave just before we lost him. After Lina was born, we moved out on our own and I wanted to make sure other transitioning families had somewhere to go and someone to help them. I didn’t have anyone to help with that. One day I was a military wife living on a base while my husband was deployed and thirty days later, I was no longer either of those things. I wanted to make sure no one else ever had that experience.”
“Here’s your coffee. Are you ready to order?”
I motion for Ella to place her order first.
“I will have the poached eggs over biscuits and gravy.”
“Damn, that sounds good. I am going to have two eggs, bacon and pancakes please.”
“Great. I’ll put that order right in.”
“I can’t lie; I may have to take a bite of your breakfast.”
“If I can have a bite of your pancakes it’s a deal.”
We shake hands over the table to seal the deal.
“Your business must keep you very busy.”
“I have a few great people who work with me. It was very hard when it was just me in the beginning. Lina was just a baby, so I had her with me all the time and started working out of the house. Eventually we had to get an office when I started bringing on other employees.”
“I always knew you would change lives. Now you are. That’s truly remarkable.”
“Are you happy working at the body shop? I know you were always fixing something.”
“Yeah, it’s nice to have a job that doesn’t put my life in jeopardy every day.”
“I can’t imagine what life must have been like over there.”
“The truth is life in the military is mostly boring. You get up at the same time and sleep at the same time. When we first joined it was hard to drag ourselves to dinner. They whipped our asses. As time went on, we spent days and weeks planning for missions that were over in a matter of hours, so it was a whole lot of hurry up and wait.”
“Yeah, that’s what Mike used to say. He loved the action, but he wasn’t that great at the in between parts.”
I can’t find a place to take the conversation that doesn’t have a potential landmine underneath it. Where is the waitress when you need her to interrupt? Knowing Mike spoke to her about the boring stuff and how he had a hard time with it bothers me more than knowing he’s touched every part of her body. That conversation, especially for Mike, had more meaning than ninety percent of his other interactions. Even six years later I don’t want to face the things Mike did to pass the time and I certainly don’t want to share them with Ella.
“So, do you think you’ll stay here?”
“Yes.” I answer so fast she seems surprised.
The corner of her mouth turns up into a smile. She opens it to speak again and that’s when the waitress puts our food in front of us. Alice’s timing could use some work, but my growling stomach appreciates the interruption.
Present
“I think I ate too much.”
“Well you did finish your sausage and biscuits and one of my pancakes. I’m actually not sure where you put it all.”
“Oh, please there are plenty of places I have been putting too much food.”
“You could fool me. You look more beautiful than ever.”
I haven’t had a single drink, but I may be drunk on food. It was so delicious I didn’t stop until I hit the plate. Ella is lucky she even got one of my pancakes.
“Thank you. I don’t know how much I believe you though. You always were the sweet one.”
“Don’t I know it!”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Women like sweet men.”
“Is that so? Haven't you ever heard the phrase ‘nice guys finish last’?”
I am laser focused on her face and praying she lifts her eyes to mine. I want her to see who I am looking at. Her. Only her. She keeps her eyes down for a long while. When she finally lifts them, she jerks back in her seat. She is genuinely surprised to find me looking at her so blatantly.
“You don’t think that’s true? That women like sweet men?”
“I have not found that to be particularly true. There seems to be particular types of women who want to marry a man in the military and most of them aren’t looking for sweet.”
“Did you ever get close to getting married?”
“No. Never.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t really something I thought about.”
“Do you think you will?”
“I would love to marry the right woman.”
“Tell me about her. The right woman.”
“You know what, why don’t we walk a little of our lunch off and I’ll do that.”
“Sounds good to me. Think you can roll me out of my chair.”
We make our way to the street and her cell phone rings. As soon as she sees who is calling, she hurries to answer.
“Hi Beth. Is everything okay?”
I can’t hear the other part of the conversation, but Ella grabs my hand and walks me hurriedly to the car.
“We’ll be right there. Yes, I said we. I told you about this. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“I’m really sorry Tommy but Lina isn’t feeling well. Would you mind taking me to pick her up?”
“Are you sure you don't want to just take the car? I can get a taxi.”
“No, of course not. Unless you mind.”
“Not at all.”
I have the door to the car open but neither one of us seems to want to let go of the other’s hand. Ella leans up on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek.
“You know I always liked sweet guys, Tommy.”
Ella drops into her seat and I know my cheeks are cherry red as I walk around the car. I quickly gather myself and get into the driver’s seat.
“Where do we need to go to get Lina? “
“It’s only ten minutes away. I don’t think it’s anything serious.”
