by Kay Maree
At the end of each day, all that really matters to me is that Caleb is safe and happy, and that he knows how much I love him. He’s been my entire world for the last five years and I’ll do everything in my power to protect him from being hurt again. Everything.
CHAPTER ONE
“Good morning, Mum.” The only person who calls me at this time of the morning is my mother, so I’ve begun answering these daily calls without even checking the caller ID.
“Good morning, love, how are you this morning?”
“Same as yesterday and the day before… I’m good, Caleb’s good. He’s just come in from collecting the eggs and feeding Jedda and Bob, so he’ll be having his breakfast in a minute.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound a little off, Sam,” she questioned, her voice laced with concern. Somehow, she was able to pick up the smallest hints of anything in my voice, even when I tried to disguise how I was feeling.
“Just tired… it’s full-on at the moment, that’s all.” I had to make myself sound convincing. I needed to believe what I was saying as much as she did.
“As long as you’re sure, son. I can come out and stay for a while if you need me to.” She’s been offering the same thing every other week for the last few years, but especially since Dad passed away earlier this year.
“And if you do, how can I bribe Caleb into doing his chores with the promise of a sleepover at his Gran’s? You’d already be here.” I added a small chuckle to my comment and hoped it was believable.
“He’s such a good little boy. I can’t believe he’d ever be any trouble. Are you sure you’re not expecting too much from him?”
“Mum, he’s an eight-year-old, with red hair and a feisty attitude to match, of course he tries to give me trouble. But we both know that he’s a good kid. As for expecting too much from him – we live on a working farm and I’m sure you remember that there’s always lots of things to be done, even for kids. I seem to remember being kept pretty busy when I was a kid out here.” I paused for a moment as an image of me following Dad around the farm popped up in my mind. “Besides, looking after a couple dogs and a handful of chickens each morning and afternoon isn’t too demanding. Most of the time he spends with them, he’s playing with them.”
“I still worry about him,” she replied.
“We both do, don’t worry, but he’s doing fine. The nightmares are still staying away and his teacher told me he’s holding his own at school. In fact, last week she said that he’s one of the brightest in his class.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful news, love. I always knew he was a clever little boy, but it’s good to hear that others can see it too.”
“Well, I’m doing everything I can remember you doing with me, as well as whatever his teachers have suggested since he’s been at school. Luckily, he’s naturally smart and seems to enjoy learning new things. That makes things so much easier, I’m sure.”
“That’s true… He’s so much like Liz, it’s uncanny.” Her remark caught me a little off-guard. Mum had a way of doing that. Whenever I thought I had my feelings under control, she’d say something that reminded me that I didn’t. Not really.
I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat and replied in a quiet tone, “Yes, he is, in so many ways.”
“It’s hard to believe he did have more time with her when you see him sometimes. Some of the little things he does and his expressions are like she’s still here.”
“I know.” I couldn’t say any more.
I’d seen Liz reflected in our son every day of his life, but even more so since we’d lost her. At least once each day, something he would say or do would hit me like a punch to the stomach. I really didn’t need Mum to remind me, but I guess she was dealing with those same moments and I couldn’t be angry with her for that. The last five years had been hard, on so many levels, and I was beginning to doubt my ability to keep everything afloat. There were days when the only thing pushing me to keep fighting my battles was Caleb and the plans Liz and I had made for his future.
“Are you still there, Sam?” My mother’s question cut into my thoughts and dragged me back to the present.
“Yeah, I’m here.” My voice sounded brittle.
“You know you can’t keep going the way you have been, don’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Mum? I have a farm to run and a son to raise – I’ve got responsibilities.”
“And you’re doing a great job of both those things…” Her voice trailed off.
“But…” There always seemed to be a but in my mother’s conversations lately.
“But you’re always alone, Sam.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “I’m worried that you’re locking yourself away out there and becoming a hermit or something. You’re still young, and you’ve got so many friends – but you don’t see them anymore.”
“You know that’s not true, Mum. I’m in town almost every day, either doing the school run with Caleb or picking up supplies… and I’ve got lots of meeting to go to with the action groups as well.”
“And you know that’s not what I’m talking about.” Her tone had become serious. “It’s been five years -”
I cut her off. “And you’re not going to tell me it’s time to move on.”
“No, of course not. I’d never do that.”
“Good.”
“But, what I will tell you is that it’s time to live.”
“What?”
“Live a life that wouldn’t make Liz sad if she could see you. Just live, son. You’re just going through the motions now, Sam… Yes, you’re meeting your responsibilities, and then some, but you’re not getting any joy out of your life.” Somehow, this morning’s check-in phone call had turned into a therapy session and I hadn’t been to one of those in a long time.
~*~
“Are you sure you have everything?” I sounded like a teenager arranging to sneak out.
“Of course, I do,” Liz giggled. “I’m the brains of this operation, remember?”
“You so are, baby. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“And don’t you forget it,” she teased down the phone line.
I’d long ago given up wondering what my life would be like without Liz. We’d been together since school, nearly fifteen years all up, and all my adult memories had her in them. The most important of these began with our wedding, five years ago, and the birth of our son, two years later.
“Is Caleb all settled in?” I knew he would be, but I wanted to keep her talking.
“You know he loves his sleepovers with your parents. He must know he’s going to be spoiled rotten, because when I drop him off, he can’t seem to wait for me to leave. Although, I’m beginning to suspect your parents feel the same way at the prospect of having him all to themselves.” We both laughed at that.
“I think you’re right, baby.” I stopped for a second. “Speaking of baby…” I left those words hanging.
“Mmm?” I could almost see the smile I knew she’d be wearing now.
“I think it’s time for you to head home.”
“Oh?” Her tone was light and playful.
“We’ve got a busy weekend ahead of us.”
“Really? And why would that be, Mr. Cullinan?” I loved it when she called me that.
“Well, Mrs. Cullinan, I seem to remember that we were negotiating a very important joint project, and we’d decided that this weekend would be an ideal time to begin working on it.” I was trying so hard not to laugh.
“Ooh, I do have a vague recollection of a conversation along those lines.” We both laughed out loud.
“So… Liz…” I spoke slowly.
“So… Sam…”
“Are you on your way home yet?”
“I will be as soon as I get off the phone. I’m as keen as you are, don’t worry, I just don’t want to talk while I’m driving. It’s too dangerous.” She was always stric
t about not talking or texting when we were driving, but this time I was wishing she was already halfway home, not still parked in town.
“Okay, I’ll let you get going then.” I heard the car engine come to life in the background. “I’ll have my shower and expect you in about half an hour. Drive safe, baby.”
“I always do, love, you know that.” I did, but I needed to say it anyway.
“I know… See you soon… Love you.” I could never tell her that often enough.
“I love you too, Sam. I’ll be home soon.”
After showering, shaving, and applying a healthy amount of the cologne Liz had bought me for our last anniversary, I began setting up a romantic atmosphere in our bedroom. You know the drill – candles on all the flat surfaces and an ice bucket with a bottle of her favourite wine on standby. When I figured she must be only a minute away, I started filling the bath. Over the last couple years, we had gotten the time it took to get home from town down to within two or three minutes, depending on who was driving, so now that twenty-five minutes had passed, I knew she’d be almost here.
I wanted this weekend to be perfect. Don’t get me wrong, every single day with Liz was perfect and every weekend that Caleb spent in town with my parents was like a mini holiday for us, but we’d recently decided to try for another baby and this was going to be our first attempt. To be honest, I’m just as excited as I was the first time we’d tried to get pregnant, but this time I had a whole new level of respect for Liz and how she was prepared to put her body through carrying and birthing a child. Nothing a man could do would ever match or surpass that.
With every minute that ticked by, I resisted the urge to pick up the phone and call here, knowing that she wouldn’t answer while she was driving. Repositioning candles and changing tracks on the CD playing on the stereo did little to distract me. By the time I heard the crunch of tyres on the gravel driveway, over half an hour after I was expecting her, I was really starting to worry.
After rushing through the house, I pulled the front door open, fully expecting to see her rushing up the stairs with a story about how she’d stopped to help someone who’d broken down on the side of the road. What I saw instead were Steve and Aaron, two of the police officers in town, about to step onto my front porch. The looks on their faces told me that this was not a social call.
“Sam?” Aaron spoke as he stepped toward me. “We need to go inside and talk.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Liz’ll be home any minute. Just tell me now and get going.”
“Sam –” He started again.
“No, really. It’s date night, well date weekend actually, and you two will kill the mood if you’re still here,” I explained to them.
Steve stepped around me and held the screen door open behind me. “Sam… We need you to come inside and sit down… We need to talk… Now.” Something in his tone had me walking I through the front door and sitting myself in my favourite lounge chair without any further dispute.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew something was very, very wrong, and that I was refusing to let myself be drawn toward it. I also knew that, whatever it was, I couldn’t hide from it, or these two friends, indefinitely. After taking several deep breaths, and looking at my feet for a few minutes, I looked up into Steve’s face. What I saw there terrified me. I’d never seen such raw pain on anyone’s face before… until I glanced over to Aaron and saw it mirrored on his face too.
“What’s going on? You guys are starting to freak me out,” I blurted out.
“Sam…” Steve started, then stopped and wiped his hand across his face.
“What? Tell me!” I was starting to lose my cool.
“Sam… It’s Liz…” Aaron was apparently having the same trouble speaking as Steve was.
“Yes, she’ll be home any minute… What about her?” My voice was growing louder and more impatient.
“No, she won’t, Sam. That’s why we’re here… There’s been an accident.” Steve seemed to be choosing his words very carefully.
“Well, get me to the hospital – I need to be with her and make sure she’s okay.” Why hadn’t they just said that straight up? We could have already been on our way into town if they hadn’t wasted so much time. I started to stand.
“No, Sam. You need to listen.” Steve suddenly sounded very much like the police officer he was.
“What?” I needed him to speak quickly so I could get into town and be with Liz.
“Sam, it was a very serious accident,” Steve began speaking again. “It happened where Victoria Street crosses the highway. According to witnesses, it appears Liz didn’t stop at the stop sign.”
“That’s not like her. She’s the most careful driver I know.”
“That’s not in question no, Sam.” He paused for a moment. “Sam, she was hit by a B-Double… there was nothing anyone could do.”
“What are you talking about?” I shouted.
“She’s gone, Sam… The guys ran across from the ambulance station as soon as they heard the impact, but there was nothing they could do. She died on impact.”
“No, that’s not possible.”
“I’m so sorry, Sam. If I hadn’t been one of the first on the scene, I wouldn’t believe it either, but it’s true.” He reached over and laid a hand on mine, which were clasped so tightly my knuckles had turned white.
“Are you sure?” My voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.
“You’ll need to make a formal identification, but yeah. We wouldn’t be here if we weren’t sure… Oh God, Sam, I’m so sorry.”
I fell onto my hands and knees on the floor, trying to gulp in air and resist the urge to vomit across the room. As my world began crashing down around me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out through a gaping hole in my chest. I heard the loud, bellowing scream long before I realised it was coming from me, but I didn’t have the will to stop it when I did. My world, our world, and all our dreams and plans for our future had just been destroyed, obliterated in the blink of an eye. How was I supposed to be here without Liz? How could I live without her? We were supposed to grow old together, to watch out children and grandchildren grow old. Thoughts of being left on my own had never crossed my mind.
I began feeling really lightheaded as my screaming subsided. I looked around the room, at all the little things that were uniquely Liz, then at our photographs on the wall. The room started to shift and blur, and a darkness began creeping in from my periphery. Just as I was about to give in and surrender to its oblivion, I felt a single word form on my lips… Caleb.
CHAPTER TWO
When I think back to the days and weeks following Liz’s death, I don’t know how I survived. And if I’m being honest, I still don’t know I get through most days, even now. Life with Liz wasn’t something I’d ever imagined and still couldn’t get my head around. The accident hadn’t only shattered my world, it had sent shock waves through our whole community. The church had overflowed into the grounds for her funeral, and the cortege had stretched back further than I could see in the rear-view mirror of the funeral director’s car as we’d made our way to the cemetery to lay her to rest. The combination of distressed tears and shocked disbelief among the mourners was a reflection of what I, and our families, had been experiencing at the time. Of course, it hadn’t taken long for feelings of anger and a need for some kind of revenge to weave their way around my heart. Someone, or something, needed to be held responsible. This tragedy had to be someone else’s fault. It couldn’t be Liz’s Shed always been so careful, not only when she was driving, but in every aspect of her life. I didn’t want to believe the reports that said she’d failed to stop and had caused the accident. She knew that intersection well enough to know how dangerous it could be. We drove through it every time we went into town and she’d likely been through it thousands of times in her life. In a bid to come to terms with this, I spent hours parked in various spots around the scene, taking in every angle
and observing how other drivers navigated their way through at different times of the day. I made notes and took a myriad of photos and videos over a period of three months. This obsession was enabled by may parents reassuming some of the day to day management of the farm that they’d retired from two years prior.
After hours spent reviewing my notes and collection of images, along with information about other collisions at the same intersection, I came to two conclusions. Firstly, there was a significant disparity between the number of accidents depending on whether the highway traffic was travelling north or southbound, with northbound vehicles involved in seventy-five percent of collisions. And secondly, a similar percentage of Victoria Street traffic involved in these accidents were heading out of town. In the face of this information I made a decision to do what I could to have changes made and protect other families from the same tragedy I was dealing with.
Liz had been loved and respected by so many different groups within our community, and each f them had made an effort to support me as I rebuilt a life for myself and Caleb. What began as casseroles, hampers of grocery items, and assistance around the farm when I was hiding myself away, became an action group pushing for a formal review of the collision black spots around our town.
Our first success came after just a couple months of lobbying, when the highway speed limit around town was lowered to sixty kilometres per hour. While this change didn’t completely eliminate the collisions, it did lessen the catastrophic impacts we’d been seeing. We knew we still had a fight ahead of us, as a group, and personally I had to get these intersections made safe in Liz’s memory.
While I was focused on my highway crusade, I almost missed some other slow-moving disasters creeping up on me. The first was the prevailing dry conditions we’d been living with for as long as I could remember becoming increasingly serious until our region was drought declared. The dams were all-but dry, the grass in the fields had turned grey, and the ground was starting to crack. Regularly buying in feed for our cattle became the new norm, as did talk of herd reduction.
