by Daisy Allen
I exhale, hard, and it sounds like a gust of blustery wind in the small car.
My hand grips around the hand brake and I release it, my feet finding their way on the pedals. I press down on the gas, too soft at first, tentative, and then too hard and the car engine revs. Loud. Shaking the little sports car and the two inhabitants in it. I imagine the neighbors have their noses up hard against the windows. I wish I could tell them that there's nothing to see, but I have no idea what's about to happen.
My hand curls around the gear stick and then my mind goes completely blank.
What do I do?
My hand twitches on the gear stick, trying to rely on muscle memory, but there's nothing there.
Shit.
No.
I can't have forgotten how to drive.
I squeeze my eyes closed tight.
"Come on, come on," I mutter to myself, turning over every nook and cranny in my brain trying to remember how to do this.
It should be second nature. Done without thought.
But nothing comes.
"Shit!" I bang on the steering wheel, and then the side of my head.
"Get out of there!" I yell, urging the memory to dislodge from its hiding spot.
Jez doesn't say anything, just keeps staring straight ahead. He has a strange look on his face, like the sides of his mouth are twitching.
He's laughing at me. He's enjoying this.
So, I was wrong.
He is a cruel and twisted bastard.
He came all this way, just to watch me fall apart.
Fuck him.
I'll show him!!
I push down on the gear stick and press down hard on the gas pedal. There's nothing but the sound of the engine turning over again, shaking my bones.
I can't even do this. He was right to leave. To leave me. I can't even fucking drive.
I take my foot off the pedal and rest my head back against the head rest, exhausted.
"Are you happy now? Did you get what you came here for?"
He turns to me, still smiling.
"Yes, yes I did." He reaches a hand towards me, and his fingertips touch my face before I can pull away.
I slap his hand away, hard, my fingers stinging as they make contact.
"You son of a bitch. You are sick! I can't believe I agreed to this."
I pull on the door handle and drag myself out of the car, making a run towards the house where Paige is standing.
Waiting for me.
I should've listened to her,
"Noémie!" Jez yells, jumping out of the car and running after me. "Wait!"
"No!" I spin around, my hair whipping myself on the face. But I welcome the pain. Anything to distract from the ache I'm feeling inside. I shake my head, staring at him. I can't believe he would do this to me. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I hit you with a car! I’d say it a thousand times to you, Jez, if I thought it would give either of us any peace. I’m sorry! I am! I'm never going to forgive myself for what happened! But it was an accident. I would never have done anything to hurt you on purpose. Never! But I guess you can't say the same. So, fuck. You. I don't deserve your sick and fucked up punishment."
The tears are hot and heavy as they stream, never-ending, down my face.
They drip over my lips as I speak, salt in the wounds, as they say.
When I'm done, I pivot back to the house, but his hand is in mine again. Pulling me back to him, and into his arms.
Why won't he just let me go?
"Shhhh, baby. Shhh.” He rasps against my hair as I let him hold me. Because I can’t walk away. “Noémie. I know. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. And I can't believe you would think I would hurt you."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I'm here, to show you... that you didn't hurt me. Ever."
I pull back, looking into his face, looking for clues as to what he’s saying.
"You didn't hurt me," he repeats, his fingertips are cool as they run down my cheek, brushing my tears away. Then he turns and faces the house.
"Did she, Paige?"
Paige just stands there, looking back at him, before she shrugs. "I'm sure she didn't mean to. Like she said, it was an accident."
"Oh, I do believe it was an accident. But it wasn’t Noémie's, was it?"
What is he talking about? My mind is so foggy, I can't understand what he's saying.
He turns back to me, and his eyes are soft, warm, genuine. Like they always were. And they're trying to tell me something. But I just don't understand.
"What are you trying to say, Jez? I... I don't understand."
He gives me a gentle smile and cups my cheek in his hand. The touch, so intimate, makes the tears well up in my eyes again. And I bite back a sob.
"You tell her, or I will," he says, his eyes on me.
"Tell her what?" I ask, even more confused now.
"Not you, sweetheart. Paige. Paige has something to tell you."
I look past him, to my best friend on the stairs. She's backing up, shaking her head.
"No.” Her voice is shaking.
"Last chance, Paige,” Jez says, his voice firm, steady.
"I don't know what you're talking about.”
"Then I’m sorry. Your chance is over."
I see Sebastian in the corner of my eye step behind Paige, in front of the door as if blocking her.
The other guys move to join in.
What in hell is going on?
"Will someone fucking tell me what is going on!"
Jez takes my hands in his and I let him. I can't even focus on that part yet, I just need to know what's going on.
"Do you recognize that car?" he gestures with his head to the side of the road.
"No, not really.” I shake my head. “I mean, it's a Dodge Viper, that's all I know. Should I recognize it?"
"It's the car that hit me."
"What?" I pull away, recoiling from the side of the road. Trying to get away from the vehicle.
"Whoa, whoa. It's okay, honey. It’s okay. It's not the exact car, just a similar one."
"The car I was driving..."
"No. That’s just it, Noémie, you never drove that car."
"Well, yeah, not that one…"
"Nope, not even one remotely like it. That... is a Dodge Viper 2017. That car only ever came in a manual model. Ever."
He looks at me, like that should mean something. Like he just gave me the winning numbers to a billion-dollar lottery.
I frown.
It obviously means something.
I turn over his words in my head.
Wait.
That's why I couldn't drive it before. Not because I've forgotten how to drive but because... oh my god.
"I... I don't know how to drive a stick," I say. Each word of my revelation takes its time to process.
He nods, a smile spreading wide across his face.
"Wait. So... I couldn't have been driving that night."
"No, baby. You couldn’t have."
"And if I wasn't driving... then I didn’t..."
"You didn't hit me. You didn't get in the car drunk. And you didn't cause my injuries and even more importantly, you didn't cause yours."
All I can do is blink.
It’s starting to make sense but not make any sense at the same time.
I understand his words, but not how they could be accurate.
“I… I couldn’t have been driving,” I say it again, trying to believe it. “I can’t drive a stick.” I look at him, he’s nodding, giving me time, space to process. “But… how do you know that?”
“You told me. That night.”
“That night?”
“Yes, the night of your birthday. You told me you couldn’t drive a stick. Actually, you said you couldn’t ride a stick.” He chuckles, and there’s something misty in his eyes, like he’s reliving the moment. A moment, I have no recollection of.
“I told you that?”
“Yeah.”
; “And you remember?”
“I told you, I remember everything. Every word. Every touch.”
For a moment, I let my heart indulge in the need to be close to him. And then my mind pulls us back to reality.
“So, if I wasn’t driving… then what happened? Who did?”
His smile fades, and his eyes turn sad.
“I’m so sorry, but…”
“No.” Paige speaks up and she takes the steps down to us. “Let me tell her.”
Her eyes are red and wet as she reaches out to touch my shoulder. Her lower lip quivers and she bites down on it.
“Paige…”
She just looks at me, blinking, releasing the tears to fall down her cheeks.
And it dawns on me.
“No…”
Her lips clamp down on each other, like she’s holding back the words, but her eyes tell me everything.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobs, her hands coming up to cover her face.
I pull her hands away. “What did you do, Paige? What did you do?”
“I’m so sorry!”
I grab her by the shoulders and shake her, the blood thumping in my ears. “Stop saying that and tell me what you did!”
“That night… that night, you didn’t realize until we were in the car that I’d… I’d had a few drinks. And you were trying to get me to stop. But I wouldn’t let you. You kept yelling at me to stop. I didn’t… I didn’t see him. I swear, I didn’t see him!”
“Oh my god.”
“It just all happened so fast. After… after he… got hit by the car, I lost control of it and hit the pole. When I came to, I checked and you were out. And there was nothing I could do, I promise, I checked! I couldn’t do anything to help you at that point. And I knew, I knew I’d be in so much trouble with the police, I had had too many drinks. But I didn’t think you had!” She looks past me, her eyes wild, not focusing, like she’s reliving it in her head. Reliving the horror. “So… so I swapped places with you. And when the paramedics came, I… I pretended I was just coming to.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I just stare at her, horrified. Praying that I’m dreaming.
“I didn’t know how much you’d had to drink, if I had known I wouldn’t have…”
“Wouldn’t have what? Framed me for the accident that almost killed me and Jez?” I scream and she flinches, the tears blurring her eyes. No, no. This is just another sick joke. They’re in on this together, she’s trying to help me get back with Jez. No one could do this. Let alone my best friend.
But I know. I know in my heart of hearts, it’s true. I knew that I was never the one driving that car.
“Oh my god, Paige. Is that why… is that why you paid for all my medical bills? Because you felt guilty?”
“No! I…”
“And… every time I asked you to help me with my memory exercises, you would come up with some excuse not to? You were scared I was going to remember…” The depth of the lies makes me shiver.
“Noémie… please. I made a mistake.” She grabs onto my arm, gripping tight, her eyes desperate.
“What else?” I ask, my eyes narrowing.
“What do you mean?”
“I know there’s more. What else?”
“Nothing!”
“You’re still lying to me? After all this? I know there’s more! Tell me everything!” I shout and I see the last of her resolve crumble. There’s no going back now.
“Chris,” she whispers, her head lowering.
“What?”
“Chris! You… were never dating. You guys never dated. I… I paid him to pretend he was your boyfriend.”
Stars dance in front of me. And I have to take a moment to breathe.
“I knew it. I knew I could never have been with him. For God’s sake, why? Why, Paige??” In some ways, this is the biggest betrayal of all of them. Using my own memory loss against me. Abusing my trust in her.
Jez’s voice cuts through. “Because you were getting too close to me. She couldn’t risk me jogging your memory of that night. So… she…” he can’t even finish, it’s so abhorrent. His face is hard, unreadable. I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking about all this. But I don’t have the strength to deal with him right now. I can barely hold it together with Paige.
I think back to the conversations with Chris at the hospital, and my stomach sinks.
“But…But he knew things about me, my birthmark…”
She grimaces, and I want to slap her.
“You told him. You told him all the right things to say. You took advantage of my vulnerability, knew that I was questioning everything, everyone! You make me sick!”
“Noémie, please. I did it for the both of us! If I got in trouble, my Dad would have cut me off! He can’t take anything negative to do with our reputation.”
I shiver again. The blood in my veins running cold. “Did he know? Did your father know?”
She squeezes her eyes shut and then answers. “Yes. I told him. And he said if I ever told anyone, I’d be out on the street.”
A wave of nausea comes over me and I bend over, dry retching. My body trying to purge all this information.
“Noémie!” She tries to grab me, but Jez pushes away.
I hear Paige argue, “Get out of my way, she’s my friend.”
“Some friend.”
“Noémie!” She calls out to me, as I stand up straight, looking at her. Barely recognizing my own best friend.
I gather myself up to say what I want to say. “Get your things and get out of my house. I never ever want to see you again. Send me the bill, for every single cent. I’ll find a way to pay it all back.”
“Come on, Noémie. We have to talk about this!” she begs me, throwing her arms around me.
I don’t move. “I said, get the fuck out of my sight.” I pull her hands off me and take a step back, bumping into Jez. I bite my tongue, willing myself to stay strong. She stands there, saying nothing, and then flings herself down the sidewalk, running away from the house and down the road.
“Make sure she’s okay, and gets where she needs to go,” I can hear Jez say to someone, and through the thudding in my ears I hear two or three car doors close and an engine turn over as the car drives away.
Soon, other than a neighbor’s radio humming in the background, it’s completely silent.
As if the silence gives me room to breathe, I take a long breath, drawing lungs into the dusty nooks and crannies in my lungs.
And the damn breaks.
“Arrgghhhh,” I hear my voice make a sound like a wounded animal. My legs buckle and I drop to the ground. I feel Jez fall with me.
“Noémie,” Jez whispers, catching me in his arms, my face burying into his neck as I feel my body shaking with sobs.
“Paige…” I whimper through my tears. How could she? How could anyone do such a thing? How could she look me in the face and lie about something so serious? All those months making me think I had caused the accident, caused her injuries, caused my own. And then when I found out about Jez. That should’ve been her chance. Her chance to come clean. But she kept it quiet, all for her own selfish reasons.
And I lost the greatest love I could ever have imagined.
I lost Jez.
“Shhhh, it’s all over now. We know the truth now,” he whispers, lips against my hair. “It’s over.”
But it’s not.
It’s not over.
It’s only just beginning.
I let him hold me, until I can breathe through the tears.
Or should it be, I let me let him hold me.[R7]
Because I know it's wrong that he is.
He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be wrapping his arms around my body, his hands on my back, his chin resting on my head, like we should be together.
Because we shouldn't.
"No." I whisper as I move, dragging my body away from his. Each cell screaming in pain as I do, wanting only to cleave to him, to be close to him.
"Noémie," he says, as I extract myself from his embrace. "What's wrong?"
"What are you doing here, really, Jez?"
There's an instant furrowing of his brow, and his eyes cloud as he looks at me. I've seen that look before. It’s the look he first gave me when I told him I didn't know who he was, that day in the hospital.
Confusion.
"What do you mean? I came to tell you, that it was all a lie. You were never responsible for that accident, Noémie. It was never you."
"No, it was my best friend," I say. Even though I don’t know when I’ll really be able to fully accept it.
"Yes."
"Who's been lying to my face for three months. And I had no idea. I trusted her. Completely."
"You had no reason not to, sweetheart."
I feel my head shake, side to side. He doesn’t get it. I get up to my feet. My head feels clearer up her.
"No, I did have a reason. Because I knew. I knew, Jez. I knew that there was no way I would’ve got behind the steering wheel that night.”
"Well, you didn't remember what happened."
"No. I told you. Didn’t I tell you, that I know myself, I know that I didn't do it! I might not have remembered the exact details, but I knew I didn't do it."
"It's been a confusing time, but it's over."
"No! Listen to me! You don't get it!" I yell, desperate for him to understand.
"Explain it to me, then." He looks up at me, still kneeling on the ground.
"I told you I knew. I knew it in my bones, in my marrow that it wasn't my fault. I know me. And I would never be so irresponsible as to drive drunk. You heard Paige! I was trying to get her to stop driving when she was drunk. I wouldn’t do it myself!” I pace in front of him, incomplete thoughts forming an argument in my head. “Jez. I knew it. But I never followed up on it. I woke up from the coma, and they told me I caused the accident, that I was driving, my blood alcohol was over the limit, and even though I felt it in my bones that I couldn’t have done it, I didn't have the belief in myself to find out more. I just put it down to my amnesia. That something had happened that night, and I had done something completely out of character."
"Well, that's understandable."
"But it's not excusable. I should've backed myself up. I should've fought for myself. You... you should've fought for me."
