by Lucian Bane
“I can come. Just finished breakfast. On my way.”
She smiled and hooked the device on her pants pocket. She was dressed in ninja colors. Charlie said black made her look like one, and she wanted to be a ninja. And a ballerina. And a singer and architect and archaeologist. She gave a giggle at her long list of things to be. Her dad said she needed to focus on one, or she’d master none.
She didn’t care, and she didn't believe that. She could master anything she put her mind to. Her mother said as much, and her mother was the smartest out of both, but she’d never tell her dad that. Maybe she wasn’t smarter in some things, but in the things that meant smart to Alice, her mother was superior. She had two smarts. One she showed to the world and one she hid. The hidden one was the super smart one that Alice could see. She was sure her dad saw it, or at least sensed it. She was glad her father didn’t mind a girl being smarter. He seemed to even like it. Maybe like a challenge. He liked challenges.
And Charlie… He was different than any guy she’d ever met in real life and in her online socializing. Both were extremely limited, but that didn’t stop her from studying the male gender. Her father said she was obsessed with boys, and her mother just laughed and said she is studying her future counterparts.
She liked that her mom allowed her to be openly curious about all things male. She hid nothing from her, and the easy way she answered questions made it easy to ask. Like asking was as natural as answering.
“I’m here.”
Alice ran to the roof door and yanked it open, her heart hammering in excitement. She grabbed Charlie’s hand and pulled him to her perfect spot, pointing with a smile while watching him. She forgot to let go of his hand as she stared at him, caught in the intensity of his gaze. He suddenly looked down at their hands and she pulled hers back.
He returned to the view, to the awe and wonder before him. She knew he would love it, but she really wanted to see him love it.
He was like her mom, with a secret smart that he hid inside. But Alice saw it. She really liked his way of thinking. No, she liked the person he was. Gentle, kind. Funny. Safe. She never felt unsafe with him, or like he might want to do things she shouldn’t because her dad would kill her.
And she’d gotten to see him pray. She had an exceptionally long think about how that made her feel. It wasn’t just his words, it was him. His passion and kindness, even to his God. He could have been talking about the god of sticks and it would have moved her the same.
She decided it officially last night. She positively liked him all the way. Before, she liked him some of the way. There were still parts of her that weren’t sure. But after seeing that, she realized what was missing in her decision was what he showed her. She didn’t even know that’s what she was looking for or if it was a good thing to find. But everything in her said what she saw in him when he prayed, was the stuff that made great people. The kind that legends were made of. She definitely liked that, because she would be a legend one day too.
“I love this place,” he whispered, turning his smile at her.
“Me too,” she said back, realizing that wasn’t true. But seeing the beauty of it in his eyes made it true. How could she not be impressed with something so loved by another? She gazed back at the sight. She’d originally just wanted a reason to be with him but now as she looked at what was before her, she had to laugh. “It is very beautiful,” she realized maybe for the first time.
She glanced at him, her heart stuttering at catching him looking at her.
“You dressed like a ninja,” he observed before something crossed his mind.
“What was that?” she wondered, drawing his bright blue gaze again. She was in love with his eyes.
“What was what?”
“You just had a thought.”
He gave her one of his happy laughs, the one he used when he was impressed with her. She liked impressing him. “You can read minds too?”
“I can read expressions. I’m very observant. My father calls it obsessed, my mother calls it studious.” She put her hands behind her back, facing the mountain range before them while keeping her peripheral on him. He was studying her now. What was he learning? She suddenly worried about that and had the sudden urge to know his conclusion.
“What did you just think about?” he countered with laughter in his voice. Of course, he'd read her. He was more like her and her mother than she realized.
“I thought…I thought you were sizing me up Charlie Brown and wondered what you concluded. Maybe worried,” she admitted. She was honest to a fault her father always said. But her mother said it was a gift that would help with learning her true self. She believed both to be true in that second.
“I think you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met.”
She cast her glance at him, smiling at finding him looking off to the left. He was very brave to compliment her when it wasn’t something he was used to doing. She liked he was new at it and wanted to do it enough to push through his fears of...whatever boys feared when being honest about such things. She also liked thinking there had been no other girl worth complimenting before her, and it was why he was so bad at it. The idea had her feeling that thing. Her father called it giddy. Said that she was too giddy around Charlie or when she talked about him. She told him it wasn’t her fault she had zero practice with social skills. He couldn’t argue that and didn’t.
“I am one of a kind,” she admitted with a light sigh, eyeing him briefly.
“You are,” he said, his tone serious as he looked down. “Thank you for…being there yesterday. My mom wants to cook dinner for you and your family.”
She sucked in happy breath. “You’re taking me home to meet family? I don’t know how my parents will feel about that. Maybe you should ask if you can first.”
The worried look he gave made her laugh. “I’m picking on you Charlie Brown!” She shoved him lightly in the arm and he grinned a little.
“You pick, but I worry what your father actually thinks.”
“And not my mother?” she joked.
“I don’t…fear your mother as much as I do your dad, I think.”
Alice widened her eyes and wagged her finger at him. “That would be a big mistake Charlie Brown. My mother is the true terrifying power of the two. Good thing for you that she likes you.”
“She does?” he asked.
Alice was thrilled to see he cared about that and didn’t bother hiding her huge smile as she nodded. “Very much. She says you have a pure spirit and are a true gentleman.”
His surprised, pleased gaze made her happier. “I like when you smile Charlie Brown.”
He suddenly looked at her, and the stuff in his gaze changed to things provoking her studious mind. “I like that you make me smile.” He lowered his eyes, cutting off her information supply. “It’s…really weird. What's happening with my dad.” He turned back to the mountain range and she waited for him to get the hard words out. “He’s going to have a new head,” he finally said.
A sharp pain stabbed Alice’s chest at hearing his sadness. “You feel like you’ve lost a part of him?”
He kept his head left, nodding. Was he crying? He'd cried when he prayed and that too had done something inside her.
“I’m trying not to feel that, but I can’t help it.”
She carefully put her hand on his shoulder. “Don’t fight it Charlie,” she said gently. “It is what it is. Your father is alive, and he will have his memories, you will see. Be strong Charlie Brown.”
He nodded a lot then aimed a tight smile at her. “Thank you,” he said. “So, you plan to teach me self-defense so that I’m not helpless when I go back to America?”
She couldn’t stop her face from falling, didn’t even want to.
“What?” he wondered, worried.
She clamped her mouth shut against the sudden anger. “I don’t want you to leave,” she said, not caring to hide it, or hide anything. “That’s all.”
H
e was quiet for a few moments. “I’ll be here for a long while.”
“Do you think that will make it easier?” she wondered, getting angrier. She didn't like stupid solutions that weren't really solutions.
Instead of getting offended with her outburst, he smiled. “Are you being mean to me? I can’t tell.”
She faced him now, angrier that he found any joy in this. “Maybe I am. Maybe I will bully you so good that you never fear anybody or anything.”
His face softened even more. “I would like that.”
She snapped her face away from him. “Well, let’s go then.” She spun around and hurried to the rooftop door before muttering, “You’re not going to learn a thing just standing there. Unless you're going to be the Wing Chun dummy.”
His laugh reached too far inside her. But not as far as his, “Whatever you say Alice in Wonderland.
****
“It’s perfectly normal to experience a myriad of emotions,” Dr. Lanthrop said as Cheryl nodded.
That’s all she ever did these days, like a default zombie setting. She’d asked to see him alone first. Not to hide anything from Charlie but to not have to worry about anything. She was a mother for god sakes. She couldn’t just turn it off.
“You’ll go through a full range of them. All normal. To be expected. The whole impossibility of any person getting a new head is somewhat mentally elusive to the psyche in forms of understanding, perceiving, and accepting. It’ll take some getting used to. But…” he gave her raised bushy brows. “Perhaps your faith might assist you.”
She regarded him, not sure what that meant. “How so?”
“Well, you believe in miracles?” he asked, smiling serenely.
“I do,” she said, feeling the need to be cautious for some reason.
“There you have it. This is nothing short of a miracle. Like somebody walking on water or being raised from the dead. Perhaps if you see it as such, it will aid you in accepting.”
She was nodding again. “I’m having the Wongs over for dinner to show my gratitude. Our gratitude. Ben would approve.” Why was she saying that about Ben approving? “I keep thinking of Ben in everything.”
“How so?” he asked.
“Well…anything I do, I think, what would Ben do or…think. But then I tend to say things like…” She dug her nails in her palm. “Like I just said. Ben would approve. Why would I even say that, I feel like there’s…something odd about it.” She gave a small laugh. “I’m losing track of the odds, I think. What’s odd and really odd. My odds have gone from way down here to…” She shot her hand up high. “Way up here. Now obvious odd things are not so obviously odd or odd at all. But I can tell it’s odd, just not how it is.”
“Perhaps you want to remind yourself of the things that are Ben,” he suggested, making her pause.
“Yes,” she said, realizing, and of course nodding but meaning it this time. “Yes, that’s it. I am worried about losing who he was. I keep repeating to myself how he thinks, how he is.”
“That’s completely normal,” he assured with a smile.
It didn’t make her feel better, not his smile anyway. But the words and what they meant helped. “I don’t want to lose myself, you know,” she said, looking at him, waiting for his thoughts on that.
“I strongly suggest you journal daily. Keep a record. The mind can be messy,” he said, switching his leg-crossing from left to right. Even his hand switched. For some reason, Cheryl’s mind felt the need to track it and understand. She wasn’t always like that. Why would she want to do that, what sort of symptom was that, and to what mental disorder did it belong?
“So many changes,” she muttered, wagging her toes inside her shoe.
“Which is why journaling is so important. Part of the journaling process is reading over what you write and seeing changes. I’m a phone call away to make sure you keep everything properly sorted.”
She needed to get back to the room and check on Charlie. “I think Charlie likes Alice,” she said, remembering the confidentiality.
“How do you feel about that?”
“I’m…” How did she feel about that? “I think I’m happy and scared.”
“What are you happy about?”
“Well…that he is reaching that part of life where you make these kinds of connections with girls. It’s exciting.”
“It is. And scary. Both are normal.”
“Well…I’m more worried what the Wongs think. I’m not really worried about Charlie, he’s a smart boy.”
“What do you think they might think?”
“Well, that’s their daughter,” she said, feeling like everybody knew that made a big difference.
“It is,” he agreed, clearly wanting her to explain.
“Girls are different, more…well the boys—at least our boy—is…we taught him he’s the protector. I just don’t know what they think, and that’s kind of…nerve wracking with us living here under their roof. Guests with free room and board.”
“No, no,” the doctor admonished lightly. “Do not for a second think that your presence here is valueless. If it weren’t for you and your husband, he’d not have had this historical opportunity. You have given him something far more valuable than money can buy, Cheryl. Do not forget that.”
She let out a huge breath and leaned forward with both hands over her face, moaning lightly. “It’s been a rough night, doc.”
“I imagine it was. You were scared?”
She let her hands fall into a limp pile in her lap. “Terrified,” she whispered.
“How did Charlie do?”
She gave a light, humorless laugh, sagging into herself as she looked at the floor on her right. “He was so brave. So…strong,” she whispered. “I’m really happy about that. Like really happy.”
“Of course, you are.”
“You know,” she began. “Charlie said he and his dad had a talk about boundaries and I didn’t even know that. And that’s…that’s kind of big and important. Then Charlie said dad didn’t tell because he asked him not to. He doesn’t like talking about the girl stuff with me.”
Dr. Lanthrop chuckled at that. “Very normal. I’m just happy he can talk to your father. Many young men enter puberty with no idea of what to expect or how to behave in situations. I respect your husband—and you—for doing such a great job there. He’s a very fine young lad. Very impressed, yes.”
“Thank you,” she said, trying to figure out why she was bothered, or what was bothering her about it.
“So, what bothers you about their talk?”
She eyed him, realizing she was being an open book. “I don’t know,” she answered. “And I really don’t like not knowing the why to things, Dr. Lanthrop, I really don’t. Usually I know things like this. I mean, I’m not used to knowing something’s wrong and not knowing why. How am I supposed to deal with that?” she asked right at him. “And then I think…why the hell would I be bothered that my husband had a talk with his son? I just feel so…useless,” she nodded, thoughtfully. “Like a failure. Because…” She wiped tears, lowering her head. “I failed my husband in our marriage, and… I failed my son because of that. I have a lot to atone for, doc.” She nodded for many seconds. “Ben has to live, so I can.”
The doctor allowed a moment of silence before saying, “Talking will help with everything. Doing this. Laying it all out onto the table and examining the pieces. It might take some time but the more you do that, the quicker you’ll resolve the issues.”
Back to nodding. “I really should go check on Charlie and ask about Ben.”
Waiting and Bonding
It was time to break the post-operation ice that was getting thicker. At least to Cheryl. With Alice and Charlie obviously liking each other, there had to be some discussions about it between his mother and father going on. There certainly would be if Ben were…awake.
She eyed the clock. Still had two hours before Lo and Yan and Alice arrived for dinner. She’d invited Dr. Lanthrop, bu
t he respectfully declined. She was sure he knew she was just being polite—and she was. She didn’t want him to feel left out and asked if he’d let her cook for him another day to which he happily agreed. That told her he thought it was important she have dinner with just them which meant he thought there might be a problem needing resolved? God she was driving herself crazy with all the analyzing. Journal your feelings, write all the details of every day down, make sure you keep an eye on everything, but don’t get overly worried.
She’d finished all her meal preparations two hours early. She’d do the bread thirty minutes before they arrived, so it was warm and fresh. Where was Charlie? He needed to get back so she could have a talk with him before they got there. Particularly the boundaries one. They really needed to lay things out, so Cheryl wasn’t looking like the detached, uninformed parent.
And yes, it was a boundary problem. Charlie had practically told her so when he said he needed them, and Cheryl forgot to address it. Too surprised about the talk he’d had with his dad. She’d asked him what sort of boundaries he had in mind last night and she got an, “I don’t know.” It was partly refreshing to see the Charlie she knew, the one who had no idea about stuff he should have no idea about while frustrating, because well, it was time to know. Now.
Cheryl peeked at the monitor on the island that Dr. Lo kindly gave her, so she didn’t have to call him every hour about Ben’s condition. He’d taken the video function off, and she was grateful. She didn’t want to say it, but she wasn’t ready to see Ben yet. She had access to the same screen Dr. Wong watched—only his was literally on his watch. It held all of Ben’s vitals. If any of the numbers changed in a concerning way, she was told not to worry. The system was attached to alarms that would alert every person in the entire building, even if they were deaf.
She was happy about that. Otherwise, she’d feel the need to watch the numbers twenty-four seven.
She hurried to freshen up her hair and make-up. Her Charlie had a girlfriend.
