Chapter Twenty-Nine
You’re the Inspiration.
Emmy
I breathed through the squat. “Jesus.” I inhaled deeply then did another, hissing through my teeth, “Crap.”
Ettie was opposite me, laughing softly. “Come on. Another ten and we’ll stop.”
I mock-cried, “I don’t want to.” But I did anyway.
“Five more, Emmy. You got this.”
My chest burned from how deeply I was breathing. “God, it stings.”
“Feel the burn, baby. Feel that shit.”
When I did my last squat, I huffed out an uneven breath. “Holy hell, that was awful.”
And Ettie chuckled. “You say that every time.”
“And it’s awful. Every time,” I insisted, as I moved to sit on the floor of her living room, stretching out the tightness in my glutes. “Why must we do these things? I hate exercise.”
“We do it because it’s good for us and makes us look good naked.” She grinned, waggling her brows.
“Funny you should mention that,” I uttered nonchalantly. “Do you follow Connor on InstaFotto?”
She made a face. “Who doesn’t? It’s hilarious how much he begs for your attention.” She chuckled. “It’s funny how the tables have turned, huh?”
My brow furrowed. “So you think he is flirting with me?”
“Oh yeah, honey.” She nodded. “It’s modern day flirting what he’s doing. And he’s doing it in a big way. Making a huge statement. You’re all he posts.” She stretched, held onto her toes with her hands, and stretched out. “It’s all about Emmy.”
Cherry was right. He was flirting.
What to do, what to do?
My words were spoken slowly, uncertainly. “And if I wanted him to know that I liked it…” Ettie’s head snapped up. “How would I do that?”
“Honey,” she started quietly, “are you sure you want to do that?”
I decided to be honest. Full disclosure. “I’m not sure about anything anymore, Ettie. I don’t know much about relationships or love but what I do know is that I miss him so much it hurts and when I see his posts, the pain leaves me a while.”
Her face turned soft. “Oh, Emmy. I had no idea.”
“No one does.” I took in a deep breath then sighed. “It’s better if everyone thinks I hate him.”
“I always wondered why you never filed for divorce,” she said, her expression thoughtful.
My eyes widened. “Hold up, Ettie. I’m not talking about dating him or anything.” I let out a little chuckle. “I just want him to know I’m watching. That’s all.”
“Easy.” She smiled slyly. “All you gotta do is follow him back.”
My brows arched. “That’s it?”
“That’s it,” she repeated on a nod. “Where’s your phone?”
I pulled it out of my purse and shuffled to sit next to her. My stomach was a knot of nerves and I clicked into his InstaFotto account. I peered at Ettie and she smiled encouragingly. Without overthinking things, I hit the follow button and threw my phone across the room.
Ettie tipped back her head and laughed.
I bit my lip in distress.
What the hell was I doing? Was I really trying to reconnect with Connor?
Ugh.
What was wrong with me?
“And now we wait,” uttered Ettie, nudging me with her leg.
A long moment passed then my phone pinged. We looked at each other and while Ettie looked over at me in wide-eyed excitement, I frowned. “That’s not him. It can’t be. Not that fast.”
But when I retrieved my phone, I saw the notification, and Ettie when squeaked in delight and smacked my arm, saying, “Open it! Open it!” I did.
@ConnorClashOfficial tagged you in a post.
Connor had taken a screenshot of his notifications, blurring out everything bar one line.
@TheVioletDame followed you back.
A slow smile spread across my lips when I read his caption.
LIFE MADE.
“Aw.” Ettie put her hand to her heart. “Emmy!”
I know. I felt it too.
When my phone chimed a second time, it was a private message from Connor and Ettie made a sound of pure giddiness, gripped my arm, and shook me happily. I covered my mouth, hiding my smile and when I calmed myself down, I opened it.
ConnorClashOfficial: I miss you, baby.
As I read the words, I heard his voice in my mind and my gut warmed, a tender feeling I hadn’t felt in a long while.
Three simple words and they were thawing my frozen core.
I miss you.
How could one man have such power over me?
How could you allow it?
I was scared by the effect he continued to have on me. The frightening thought was enough to make me close the app and rest my phone in my lap.
“You’re not gonna respond?” Ettie asked quietly.
But I couldn’t speak. I just shook my head.
Sensing my inner turmoil, Ettie wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. “It might take some time but everything will work out. I promise.”
How could she be so sure?
One thing was for sure.
I wasn’t.
Every day, Connor continued to post a photo of The Violet Dame and every single day, he accompanied his daily post with a private message. It had been a week since I’d made the move to follow him and every time my phone chimed, I secretly wished it would be a message from my husband.
I read the messages over and over again.
On Sunday…
ConnorClashOfficial: Do you miss me too?
Of course, I did. How could I not?
Monday’s message was sweet.
ConnorClashOfficial: I just bought Twizzlers. Made me think of you.
Tuesday’s note had me chuckling.
ConnorClashOfficial: I can’t believe you thought Britney Spears wrote “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll.”
ConnorClashOfficial: JESUS, baby.
Wednesday’s mood was solemn.
ConnorClashOfficial: Think you might ever talk to me again? I miss your voice.
He obviously saw that I was reading these messages because on Thursday…
ConnorClashOfficial: I wonder if I’m pissing you off or making you happy with these messages. Hmmm.
On Friday, he shocked me by revealing this little tidbit.
ConnorClashOfficial: Did you know I stole a pair of your panties on tour?
I almost responded to that one and when I found myself typing, I rolled my eyes and deleted the message.
That was exactly what he wanted. I was certain of it. And I almost fell for it.
And today, I read the message with a huge grin on my face.
ConnorClashOfficial: Remember Agata? Gave her a Benjamin and she still didn’t kiss me. What a bitch.
I tipped my head back and laughed heartily as another message came through.
ConnorClashOfficial: Want to go to bingo with me?
My smile waned.
Oh, God.
Yes, I did. Very much. But that didn’t change the position we were in.
With a tight-lipped stare, I looked over the messages I cherished one last time then put my phone into my bag.
“Hey,” I said as I approached.
Noah stood and smiled widely. “Hey, yourself.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him hard. He must’ve felt my need for contact and stroked my hair. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head, feeling uncertain. “No. I’m really not.”
We sat at the table in the cute Italian bistro and I ordered a soda. I was too on edge to adult today. Wine would only make me antsier.
Once my drink had arrived and we were alone, Noah rested his gaze on me. “It’s Connor, isn’t it?”
Of course, he knew. Everyone knew. The world knew. Nothing in my life was private anymore and what
was worse was I all but invited the public into my world with myself acting as tour guide.
Some days, I really didn’t want to be The Violet Dame. Some days, I just wanted to be plain old Emmy.
Unfortunately, it was too late to go back now.
Truth was, I didn’t know if I’d change things even if I could.
With a sigh, I played with my straw and nodded. “Yeah.” I peeked up at him. “It’s Connor.”
“What’s going on with you two?”
Ha! He was asking me?
I didn’t have a clue.
It was frustrating to no end. “I don’t know. Nothing really.” And that’s what sucked. “He does his thing, posting about me, sending me messages every day, and I…” I really like it. “I do nothing.”
Noah frowned. “If it bothers you, I’ll tell him to stop.”
My response came too fast, too animated. “No.” I licked my lips. “No, don’t. It’s okay.” Grudgingly, I admitted, “This probably makes me pathetic but I actually look forward to it.” My lip curled. “It’s the highlight of my day.”
Noah nodded slowly, his face impassive, and when he asked his next question, I felt something inside me give. “You still love him?”
My smile was sad. I peered up at my friend and spoke softly. “I never stopped, Noe.”
He sighed deeply not speaking a while but when he did, he averted his eyes. “He talks about you all the time. Emmy this and Emmy that. Tells us about all the adventures you guys went on—” He scratched his temple. “—that none of us knew about.” As if he just remembered something, he narrowed his eyes at me but softened it with a smile. “Which, by the way—” He leaned in. “—you got a tattoo?”
Oh.
My face flushed. “He didn’t tell you where, did he?”
“No, he didn’t.” He sipped at his beer then grinned. “Killer Queen.”
My eyes widened and I gasped, outraged. “He told you!”
Noah chuckled a long while before he sobered. “He’s not the same Connor I knew a year ago. He doesn’t go out. He’s got no interest in women, other than you. He tries to get us to go to bingo with him, Emmy!” I hid my smile while Noah looked baffled. “I mean, seriously. Who is this guy?” When his eyes landed on mine, they softened. “What did you do to him, honey?”
I thought about it and when the answer came, I lowered my eyes. “I loved him too much.”
Noah allowed me a moment of silence before he asked, “Do you want to see him?”
I wanted nothing more.
But I didn’t say that. Instead, I shrugged, and muttered, “I don’t know.”
Noah and I walked out of the bistro and when I leaned in to hug him, he looked around. “We’re being watched.”
What an odd thing to say.
My brow knitted but I smiled. “We always are.”
Noah looked at war with himself before he slid his arms around my waist, licked his lips and said, “God, I really hope I don’t get punched for this.” And then, his lips descended and he was kissing me.
I was so shocked by the move that I didn’t react.
As soon as it started, it ended, and when Noah let me go, he lifted his hand and gently wiped at my lip line. “You better be ready, Emmy.” He cupped my cheek and smiled tenderly. “He’s coming for you.”
I watched Noah walk away, wondering what he meant by his cryptic parting statement.
And I was soon to find out.
Chapter Thirty
Wild Horses.
Emmy
My ears prickled at the sound of a heated conversation happening in the front hall. Standing with a frown, I opened my bedroom door and listened intently.
“Go home.” This was Cherry.
“I can’t. Don’t you fucking understand? Not without talking to her.” I knew that voice.
My stomach turned.
I had a feeling he’d come.
“She’s finally getting on with her life, Connor. You can’t just show up whenever you like and fuck it up all over again.”
Connor was getting frustrated. “I just need a word with my fucking—” His voice rose. “—wife!”
“If she wanted to talk to you, she’d answer the phone. Take a hint.” The door slammed shut and Cherry sighed. “Jesus, Clash.”
My phone started to ring.
Connor Calling…
Cherry waltzed back into the living room and when she saw me looking down at my cell phone, she said, “Just ignore him and he’ll go away.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, not at all believing that.
Not a moment later, Connor started to call out, “Emmy!” and I felt worn thin. “Emmy, open up. I know you’re in there!”
My cell phone stopped vibrating before it chimed in my hand.
@ConnorClashOfficial: I just wanna talk, baby. Please.
“Emmy, please!”
Cherry was absolutely livid. “Oh, that is it. I’m calling the cops.”
Immediately, I held out a hand, and said, “No.”
@ConnorClashOfficial: PLEASE!
“What?” She looked pissed. “Are you kidding me?”
But my mind was already made up. “It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.”
My reasoning was pathetic.
I wasn’t sure Connor’s career could risk another hit to his name and getting arrested would be a public event. I didn’t want that for him. All I ever wanted was for Connor to be happy.
A slow, hard knocking, then a forlorn “Emmy” was all I could take.
Before I opened the door, my heart began to thump in my chest. I’d always been a sucker for this man. Now was no exception.
I just needed to be firm.
Easy.
My hand sat on the knob a while before I turned it. I only opened the door a few inches, just enough to converse and be done with it.
I saw him before he did me. My gut clenched at the amount of stress I saw etched on his face. “Emmy!”
Closing my eyes, I spoke out. “Here.”
He spun to face me and just like that, the strain I saw a moment ago disappeared. He smiled crookedly. “Hi, baby.”
Don’t call me that.
Connor stepped forward cautiously. “Can I come in?” He held up his hands in a pacifying gesture. “I just wanna talk, I promise. I won’t take too much of your time.”
I hated that he made it all seem so simple, that he sounded so rational. It wasn’t simple. None of this was simple.
If I refused him, I’d be the unreasonable one.
Ugh.
With an internal sigh, I slowly pushed open the door and his smile widened marginally. When he passed me, he made sure his fingers brushed mine and suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.
Averting my gaze, I shut the door and watched him walk into the house I shared with Cherry. I trailed behind him and fought a defeated smile at his ensemble.
Connor wore a pair of black jeans, a fitted black tee, and his black Vans.
Some things never changed.
When he entered the living room, he ordered, “Sit.” When he saw my scowl, he took in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sit, please.”
Yeah, you better use manners in my house.
I did as he asked and made sure to sit as far away as possible without actually exiting the room.
Connor sat on the arm of the sofa and watched me a while. He looked me deep in the eye and uttered a wounded, “You kissed Noah?”
I didn’t owe him an explanation.
But my mouth opened without permission. “Technically, he kissed me.” I said this quietly.
“It’s all over the papers. You guys a thing now?” Connor swallowed hard, looking like he might be sick.
It was torture.
Seeing him was torture.
Him being within walking distance… torture.
Sluggishly, I wrapped my arms around myself and shook my head.
“Okay.” His nod was thoughtful.
My skin itched to be close to him but my heart remained wrapped in barbed wire. His mere proximity was too much. I stood and breathed out, “Was that all?”
His brow narrowed. “No, that’s not all.” He blinked then stated a careful, “We’re married, Emmy.”
Oh, about that… “I want a divorce.”
Connor reared back as if I’d slapped him. He seemed to think about it a while and I watched his expression go from confused to fuming. “No.”
My head snapped up. “No?” Was he kidding? He had to be kidding. A stunned laugh escaped me. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am,” he said and to my absolute dismay, I saw he was.
My brow lowered as I attempted to paste on a cool façade. “You said it yourself—it was a gag.”
“No.” He stood, shaking his head. “It wasn’t.”
Suddenly exhausted, I lifted my hands to cover my face and groaned. “I’m just trying to fix this mistake.” My hands fell from my brow and my eyes widened. “Why are you fighting this?”
He gaped at me a second before he opened his mouth and bellowed, “Because you’re worth fighting for.” Connor came undone. “Because I don’t want to lose you.” Frustration had him running a hand down his face and he looked at me, miserable. “Because I fucking love you, Emmy.”
Goddammit.
It was everything I ever wanted to hear from him. Unfortunately, it came at the wrong time. “No, you don’t, Connor, and that’s okay.” I tried to be reasonable. “You use me as a crutch, that’s all. I don’t know what it is about me that you think you need but you don’t, sweetie. You were doing fine before I ever came along.” My voice was small and the words I spoke next slayed me. “I don’t regret loving you. I know you needed it.”
Then, silence. It coated us, choking us like a hangman’s noose, and I tried not to show how this encounter was killing me. Pure misery occupied the air around us.
Dejected, he asked, “Do you still love me?”
What does that have to do with anything?
I wasn’t honest in the least. “I don’t know.”
He smiled hopefully. “That’s not a no.”
A wave of sadness overcame me. I blinked rapidly, attempting to clear my misting eyes and I made to walk away. “I can’t do this. You need to go.”
Clash Page 28
