I looked from the pale pink comforter over at Mrs. Joe and frowned when I saw her wipe a stray tear from her face. She really did love him. “Gavriel is already struggling with control. Getting injured has really messed with his head. And seeing his father is just going to make him spiral more. I know that you must go, but please don’t give up on Gavriel. Don’t let his father get under his skin. Love him through it.”
I nodded, not really knowing what to say. At first, I was eager for more answers, but now I couldn’t help but wonder if it was worth it all. I never would've thought that I’d use “Gavriel” and “vulnerable” in the same sentence, but that's what he was—for now.
"Anyways, I just need to know that you'll keep an eye on my boy," she continued. I smiled at Mrs. Joe, loving that she had taken Gavriel under her wing, because from the sounds of it, Gavriel didn't really have anyone.
A slight knock on the door drew her attention, and it opened slightly, revealing Callum's cautious expression. His blue eyes were bold, circles dark and imposing beneath them. Did he get any sleep lately? “Ma’am," he began, "you wanted to know when Grace woke up. She's awake and asking for you," Callum said in his usual charming tone. I loved the respectful way he always addressed people, and hearing him talk to Mrs. Joe reminded me that there were still pieces of the old him buried in there.
Mrs. Joe reached over and squeezed my hand, a tender gesture I felt through my soul. I could tell that once things settled down, she and I would develop a good relationship. "I better go check on her," Mrs. Joe said. "I even made her favorite cookies—minus the pot, of course," she added with a loud laugh.
Mrs. Joe left the room, but Callum stayed behind. We stared at one another, each of us hoping the other would speak first. Now that everyone was back together, and we were on the verge of yet another adventure, it was about time we had the tough talk. I was tired of the going back and forth with Callum, and I also didn't want him feeling guilty. I just wanted…normalcy. But being in a relationship with four men and fighting against an evil mobster didn't really allow for that.
"Do you want to talk?" I asked, giving him the opportunity to sit down. There wasn't anything necessarily wrong with Callum and me; we were both just struggling with our reactions to what happened that night. Callum gave into his anger in a way that I had never seen before. Gavriel went against his nature to save someone I loved. It just hurt to think about, but I didn't want to hurt every time I looked at Callum. I wanted to feel whole finally.
"I've been dreading this conversation since the night of the fire," Callum answered before walking closer to me and taking the spot where Mrs. Joe was seated just moments ago.
"I'll be honest, I've been dreading it too. I don't even know what to say," I said. Callum's hands were folded in his lap, and I felt an inexplicable urge to reach out and grab them, so I did. I would let my gut take the lead in this interaction.
"I'm so embarrassed," Callum whispered. "I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I let my fury get in the way. I stayed behind to kill a dying man to ease some of the pain I feel about my parents’ death. But in doing that, I not only put your life at risk, but I nearly killed Gavriel, too. It was reckless."
I let out a shaky exhale and squeezed his hand. "I once met this stripper," I began with a smile while recalling the story I wanted to tell him. "She used to say the same thing over and over again. ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ I used to get so annoyed by her. One night, before work, I was robbed. They took my purse and all the money that I had saved up. I remember feeling so pissed because she told me that everything happens for a reason."
I shifted closer and rested my head on Callum's broad shoulders. It was an awkward move, and I hated how much physical distance was still between us. He was so muscular that it wasn't comfortable, but my soul practically sighed when my skin touched his. Like it was relieved I finally settled back where I belonged.
"I'm furious that you risked your life." My voice was shaky, and I looked out the window, admiring the fresh snow covering the mountain tops. "But you gifted me with seeing a side of Gavriel I didn't know existed. He showed true empathy and compassion that night. And I'm really freaking thankful that he didn't die. Because if he had, I’m not sure that I'd be able to look you in the eye. As cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. And I'm sorry I needed space, but Gavriel needed me more than you did."
Callum swallowed, and the look on his face made me wonder if he was scared to say what was on his mind. "Are we gonna be okay, Sunshine?"
That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? Could we be okay? Not just physically, not only with the emotional wounds we were all carrying, but would we ever be okay with sharing? Would we ever be okay with the curious stares? Would we ever kill Santobello or any other enemies against us?
"It's tough finding out how this is all going to work," I whispered. "And I think we’ll be okay, it'll just take some time."
"Well, I've got plenty of time," Callum replied in a husky voice.
I stood up and started packing the last few articles of clothes that I had, pausing at the edge of my bed to put them in my suitcase before looking back at him. "Visiting with his dad is going to be really hard for him," I explained. "If you want to pay Gavriel back, you won't let this mess with his mind.” I didn't intend for it to sound like an ultimatum, but it did.
Maybe it was wrong to put that sort of responsibility on Callum. He already bore the brunt of most the responsibilities these days. But that's what I needed. I laughed at how easily I let the guilt back in, using it to push Callum to commit to helping Gavriel with me. I was such a fucking contradiction. One moment I was owning up to my guilt and wearing it like a badge, and the next I was avoiding it. Some days, I accepted it. Other days, I breathed it in, filled my lungs with its toxic taste.
"I'm going to take care of Gavriel," Callum whispered, and although his voice was soft, there was a steel quality about it that let me know he was serious. It was meant to comfort me. Instead, it made me nervous. Gavriel didn't want anyone to take care of him, least of all Callum.
I smoothed my shirt before answering him. "I know you will." Callum was loyal to the people he decided were worth his loyalty. Although he had this really messed up way of deeming a person's worth, once he was convinced, there was no going back. And the day that Gavriel saved his life, Callum latched himself on to him and would never let go. Similar to the way he was now latched onto me.
"What do you think of this Alessandro guy?" Callum asked, his voice going all business as he checked the door to see if anyone was in the hallway. He wasn’t the first to ask me that. It seemed we were all concerned about Alessandro’s trustworthiness.
"I don't know what to think about anyone anymore. The only people I trust are the Bullets and Nix," I said. For a moment, Callum's face went dark, and I wondered what dark thoughts were passing behind his crystal blue eyes. And then it suddenly hit me. "That includes you too, you know."
Did he really not feel like a Bullet? I knew that I needed to get over my shit so that our group could be ready for what was to come. I couldn't be mad at Callum—not that I ever really was—but I also couldn't selfishly want him away from the others either. He needed reassurance that he belonged, even if he would never admit it.
"Blaise!" I called out, my voice echoing off the wood floors and bouncing down the hallway. I knew he was close. He was always close. I was immediately greeted with the sound of footsteps on the floor, drawing my attention to the entryway, where I was welcomed with his bright smile.
"You need something, Beautiful?"
"Is that my new nickname?"
"I haven't decided yet." Blaise looked at Callum and smiled for a moment. It was like his smile warmed the room, and I knew I made a good choice in calling him in here. Blaise was excellent at making people feel welcome. He was a likable guy, always prided himself on that fact. "I never got the chance to talk to you last night. Glad to see you're okay," Blaise said before walking over to Call
um to shake his hand as if nothing had happened. Blaise acted like he didn't know about the elephant in the room, probably because everywhere he went he brought his own damn circus.
Callum was reluctant when he reached out to grab his hand. He gave Blaise a scrutinizing look as if waiting for the punchline, the insult. But of course, as I expected, it never came.
"Uh, nice to see you," Callum said in a less than confident voice. An awareness seemed to fill Blaise as he looked between the two of us. It was an expression I had come to expect from all of the Bullets, an instinctual understanding of what each other needed. Something that only trauma could bond people with.
"Don't look so scared," Blaise said in a lower voice. "You do remember Gavriel almost killing Ryker, right? He broke his jaw and nearly split his skull the day he found Sunshine with him. The poor asshole had to eat from a feeding tube for four months." I dropped my mouth open in shock. Wait, what? Gavriel broke Ryker’s jaw? Holy shit.
"Yeah? I remember, so what?" Callum replied, but I had already seen where this story was going.
"So," Blaise began, "that means there's not really much you could do that'll ruin the Bullet dynamic. We've all nearly killed each other at least once or twice. It's one of the benefits of being a Bullet; as long as you don't hurt Sunshine, there's not really anything you could do to make us not...love you."
I couldn't help it. I quirked my brow, surprised with Blaise's use of words. But there wasn’t really a better word to describe it, was there? The Bullets loved one another. They were a family, a family better than the one I was brought up with. "You should definitely hug it out. Shirtless," I joked. The more I was around Blaise, the more of the weight that had been on my chest was lifted off me. It felt good to joke with them all, and I was thankful that they returned when they did. This entire house was starting to feel incredibly heavy without them.
I winked at them both to further my point, making Callum’s mouth drop open and Blaise smirk. I wondered then if Callum was thinking about my time with Gavriel and him. "Sunshine, if you wanted a threesome, all you had to do was ask," Blaise said before wrapping his arm around Callum's shoulders and pulling him close.
I involuntarily licked my lips. "Once things settle down, I'd like to explore this group dynamic more. Why have four boyfriends or husbands or whatever it is we are if I can't have some fun with it?"
Callum looked shocked but not necessarily disgusted. "Hell yes," Blaise said before shooting his fist up in the air.
Chapter Nine
Fire. Fire everywhere. It was touching my skin but felt wet. I was clawing at it, begging it to leave me and the men I loved alone. I was back at the church in Chesterbrook, Virginia. I was dead, that much I knew. My charred skin was evidence enough of that. Five men stood on the altar. Each of them was on fire, and all I could do was watch as they burned. Even though their faces were unrecognizable, I knew in my gut that it was the people I loved.
One, Ryker.
Two, Gavriel.
Three, Callum.
Four, Blaise.
Five, Nix.
I was shaking. I was disappearing.
"Sunshine, wake up," a voice said in the distance, but it was nothing but an echo of a demand. I belonged to the flames now. Every night, it was the same.
"Sunshine, it's just a dream!" the voice said again. Was it the fire wrapping its arms around me or someone else? My men at the front of the church were now on their knees. I watched them, feeling myself frown but knowing there was nothing left of my body to make the expression. I knew that if I could cry, it would put out the fire.
It wasn't until the fire became the shade of my mother's lipstick that I remembered that this was just a dream. And once my awareness settled into the gruesome reality of the things that haunted me every night, I awoke with a gasp.
"Sunshine, what the fuck just happened?" It took a while for my eyes to focus, but once my bedroom came into view, I saw Blaise’s face illuminated by the lamp on my nightstand. He and Callum were standing over my bed. Ryker had his arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly against his bare chest.
"Oh, Baby," Callum said, his voice was dark and had a bleeding quality about it. It killed me a little to hear the evidence of my dream and what it did to the people I loved. This was why I liked to sleep with Gavriel. Not only because I wanted to check on him, but because he had the same dreams I did.
Suffering brought a sense of camaraderie between us, but I didn't feel judged when I woke up drenched in my own sweat, because most of the time he would be sitting up in his own bed as well, matching me breath for breath with eyes widened in fear.
"I didn't realize..." Ryker said against my skin. His low voice grumbled, making the entire bed shake.
"There's nothing to realize," I said with a scowl before shifting out of his hold and running a hand over my black hair, slick and wet from sweat. I put it up in a ponytail, feeling their eyes on me as I moved. I didn't want to explain myself. What was there to say? I was traumatized by what happened. We all were. And what was my trauma in comparison to all of theirs? I wasn't kidnapped like Grace was. I wasn't burned alive like Gavriel. Sure, I had injuries. But at the end of the day, this was a small portion of all the things stacked against us.
"Do you need to talk to someone?" Blaise asked, not a hint of sarcasm or playfulness to his voice.
"I do better when I can sleep with Gavriel," I answered, feeling embarrassed for my reasoning. I silently pleaded with Blaise to use his intuitive powers to know that I didn't want to be asked why I do better with him.
"You didn't have to sleep with me—" Ryker immediately interjected.
"I wanted to. Besides, Gavriel hates having me in his room. He only let me sleep in there these last few weeks because he...loves me.” I shut my eyes and let out a sigh, feeling partly pathetic but mostly annoyed with myself.
Blaise didn’t even give me a chance to correct myself and fake the same strong face that I’d been wearing since Gavriel came back from the dead. He scooped me up in his arms, clutching me to his chest and carrying me down the hall. “You’ve been spending too much time with Gav. This is why the group shit works. If we let him have you all the time, you’d be more of a stubborn ass than you already are,” he said before stopping in front of Gavriel’s door and using his hip to bump it open. I looked over his shoulder and noticed Ryker and Callum following closely behind us.
I quickly wiped my eyes then stared up at Blaise’s rust-colored hair and the freckles scattered along his neck. The moment we entered Gavriel’s room, I turned to look at the bed, but it was empty. The sheets were rumpled and scattered, the deep red bedding pushed back. I furrowed my brow in surprise then turned to look at the window, slumping in unspoken relief when I saw Gavriel’s silhouette as he stared outside.
“I was wondering when you’d come back here, Love,” he whispered. I’d noticed that by the end of the day, his voice was nearly inaudible, worn from overuse. I wondered if he would ever have his commanding voice back. Blaise still clutched me to his chest as I took in Gavriel’s stiff posture, shrouded by his red robe. I immediately recognized that he was in pain.
“Do you need one of your pills?” I asked.
“No, you know I hate that shit. My mother was addicted to it. I only want to take it if I can’t bear it otherwise. I’ll be fine for now.” He kept looking out at the night sky. I was starting to wonder if he just had a thing with windows. He was always looking out at the world, never really participating in the normalcy or beauty of it.
"Is that why you're here?" Gavriel asked. "Want to make sure I'm taking my meds?" I looked at Blaise, and he sat me down, my bare feet cold against the wood floors of Gav’s bedroom.
I stared at his back while answering, "I had another dream." He looked down at his feet, and I knew that he was reliving his own damage. I hated that it comforted me to know that I wasn't the only one that couldn't let our experience go. And he was the one with literal scars to prove what we've been through.
"I was thinking we could all have a sleepover. Been a while since we've done that," Blaise said in a cheerful voice that sounded forced.
I looked over at Ryker who was still shirtless and taking in the scene before him. He was always an observer, and what I wouldn't give to take a peek inside his mind and learn what he thought of all of this. "Last time we had a sleepover, I ended up snuggling Blaise in the middle of the night, thinking it was Sunshine," Ryker said with an exaggerated huff before scratching the back of his neck.
"Of course, that's just what you told people," Blaise replied.
I turned around and noticed Callum slowly backing out of the room, so I stepped away from Blaise to grab his wrist.
Whispering in a voice so soft that only he could hear, I said with the utmost certainty, "You're a Bullet. Don't leave."
Callum looked around the room before nodding his head at me. Ryker once told me that I was the glue that brought the entire group together, and I never quite believed him until that moment. But Gavriel, who was so stuck in his head that he couldn't see the world around him, turned around to face me before nodding towards his bed, and that moment showed me our group was stronger than whatever he was facing.
I knew that we would always look out for one another. We would be okay, eventually.
Blaise plopped down on the bed and patted the middle of the mattress, guiding me there, and it was in that moment, I knew that above all else, our friendship would prevail. Callum switched off the lights and settled himself in the leather sitting chair at Gavriel's bedside. Ryker laid down on the couch, and we all called goodnight to one another.
I kept incredibly still, knowing that each movement could potentially hurt Gavriel. And Blaise, who was beside me, did the same. His arm brushed against me. It was uncomfortable and difficult to fall asleep, but it was the most content I’d felt in ages.
Love and Lead Page 7
