“I feel like a wimp,” I say once Collin has parked and we get out of his car.
“Why?” he asks with a little chuckle.
“Because I’m clearly a Floridian. I need another jacket.” I pull mine tighter around me.
Collin smiles as he takes my hand. “You’ll get used to it like I did. We only have a short walk.”
“Where are we going?”
“I know how you love museums, so we’re going to an art museum.”
“I can’t believe you remember that.” My parents are the reason I love to visit museums. That was essentially the biggest part of my childhood vacations and I fell in love with it. I still enjoy going, but it’s been hard to make time for it the past few years.
Collin’s voice softens as we walk into the building. “I remember everything about you.”
And that is how our wonderful date begins. Collin holds my hand. He doesn’t complain at my leisurely pace. He doesn’t make a comment that we should hurry after we spend hours looking at various artworks. But once again, I worry because he’s extra quiet. While this may not be his favorite place, I still thought he would talk to me more than he has.
“Collin?” He looks at me. “Are you okay? Truly okay?”
He quickly pulls me into a hug and holds me for a moment. “It’s taking some time to adjust to this new medication. Don’t worry about me yet.” I relax into his hug, knowing he realizes I do have a reason for voicing my question. “I’ve been talking to you in my mind all day, but I don’t feel like saying any of it. I’m sure I’ll eventually tell you what I’ve been thinking.”
“Okay.” Even if he doesn’t, it’ll be fine. Collin is aware he’s been quiet and that makes me feel better.
Collin smiles, releases me, and we finish our tour of the museum. I don’t know what it is about visiting these places, but I always leave relaxed and fulfilled.
“Hungry?” Collin asks, and I nod. He drives us to downtown, parks, and we walk to a Mexican restaurant.
Things are still quiet, but at least now I know why. My feet tap to the music playing. I’m dying to make some kind of conversation, but I don’t want to force him to talk if he’s not in the mood. But I can always count on Collin to come through for me.
“We have all week to pretty much do whatever we want, you know,” he says. “And we don’t have to worry about Cal being around.”
“Thank goodness for that,” I mutter as I take a sip of my drink. “Is there anything you want to do while you’re off?”
“Nothing in particular, but if there’s something you want to do, we’ll do it.” Collin seems to study me for a moment and then he asks, “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but am I missing something when it comes to you and Cal? I thought you both wanted to end the relationship.”
“We did,” I quickly say.
“Then why do I feel like there’s some animosity toward him?”
Do I tell him the truth? Lying seems like a bad idea, and once Cal finds out, he’ll discover the same from him, I’m sure. With a sigh, I reply, “That’s because there is.”
“But why?” he immediately asks.
My eyes roam around the restaurant. “If I tell you, it won’t be here. We need privacy.” At the mention of that, Collin frowns. “This isn’t the place, Collin. I don’t know if I want to tell you this, either,” I admit. “I’m like a step away from hating your brother and I don’t want you to feel the same way.”
“How can you feel that way about him and not me? We’re identical twins, Jules.”
I reach across the table and rest my hand over his heart. “You’re not the same in here.”
It bugs the hell out of me that for some reason Collin thinks he and Cal are exactly the same. No matter how many times I tell him I notice the differences between the two of them, that they aren’t alike to me, he doesn’t seem to get they aren’t the same. That he truly is the better Kessy. That he’s his own person, not simply half of a set. But he never accepts what I tell him as the truth.
I pull my hand away as the waitress finally delivers our food. We’re sucked back into silence while we eat. I can almost see the wheels in Collin’s mind turning as he tries to figure out what his brother possibly could’ve done for me to feel the way I do about him. Telling Collin will be hard. Not only because of what happened, but because I know if Collin’s heart is as good as it is, he won’t be happy to hear what I have to say.
“I’m sorry.” My gaze whips around from people-watching others in the restaurant to Collin as he says those two words. “This probably isn’t the best first date you’ve been on.”
“Don’t be sorry, Collin. I’m with you and that in itself makes it the best first date.” He doesn’t seem to believe me, but it’s true. “I’ve wanted this for a long time,” I remind him.
“You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not fragile.”
“I’m not lying.” And it pisses me off that he thinks I would. “And I know you’re not fragile. You’re the strongest person I know. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
He eyes me for a moment before smiling. “I’ll lay it out there; you’re the best woman I know.”
I laugh. My heart warms at him turning what I always say to him around on me.
The waitress drops off the check and soon, we’re in the car on the way home. Collin ruins any chance of us waiting until we get back to return to the conversation about Cal, or even forgetting about it altogether.
“Tell me what happened,” he quietly demands.
Whether it’s support for me or him, I’m not sure, but I reach over and hold his hand in mine. With a deep breath, I begin my story. “About two weeks after we broke things off, I realized I was late. It terrified me and I knew if I was pregnant, it was Cal’s.” Collin’s grip tightens. “I bought a test, but I didn’t want to face the results alone, so I called Cal and asked him to come over.”
“What happened?” he asks through a clenched jaw.
“He came over. I told him I was late and might be pregnant, that I wanted him to be there while I took the test.” I take a steadying breath because what happened next is exactly why I can’t stand Cal. “He told me he didn’t care what the result was. He told me if it was positive, then I should get an abortion. He didn’t want anything holding him back or complicating his road to playing professionally. He didn’t want me riding his coattails and taking his money either. He repeated that he wanted me to get an abortion and left. I never heard from him again.
“I didn’t see the point in reaching out to tell him that the test was negative and my period did come. He wouldn’t have cared either way. To this day, he doesn’t know whether I got an abortion or not.” The fact an abortion was his gut reaction killed me. The fact he thought I wanted money out of him pissed me off.
“This explains so much,” Collin whispers to himself.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“This might be why he reacted the way he did when I first told him I was still talking to you. And why he always seems extremely uncomfortable around babies. Maybe he regrets telling you that.”
I can’t help my scoff. “You have too much faith in Cal.”
Collin shakes his head. “I can’t believe he’d do that to you. And why wouldn’t he tell me about it?”
The answer is obvious to me; I can’t believe it’s not to him. “Because he knows you’d kick his ass for what he did. You would’ve told him he didn’t handle the situation well. You would’ve told him what you thought and Cal didn’t want to hear it.”
His voice softens and he glances over at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to forget it happened and I didn’t want you to think differently of your brother. It was obvious he didn’t tell you, so I didn’t tell you either.”
His silence unnerves me more than before. He can’t stay quiet now, not after a conversation like that. But Collin doesn’t say a word until we’re back inside the apartment. By that time, I’m goo
d and nervous. He kicks off his shoes and plops down on the couch while I lag behind.
“Come sit with me, Jules,” Collin says as Marmalade walks back and forth on his lap, leaning against his chest. I do as he wants. He pulls me into his side with one arm around my shoulders. “I’m trying to wrap my mind around it all.”
“Want to talk out what you’re thinking?”
“I’m pissed the fuck off that Cal would react that way to you. I mean, if he wanted nothing to do with the baby, fine, but he didn’t have to respond the way he did.” He sighs, his head falling back against the couch. “I keep picturing you standing there, worried and scared, and him walking out on you.” He shakes his head. “No wonder you don’t want anything to do with him.”
“Well, it’s over with now. When Cal does find out about us—”
“He can keep his fucking opinion to himself,” Collin interrupts. He lifts his head to look at me. “All this time, I didn’t have the kind of relationship with you that I wanted because of this crazy idea that somehow, whatever you had with Cal still mattered. I didn’t want to cross some line. And it turns out that fucker screwed you over like that? All those times you told me he wouldn’t care, I realize why you think that now. We should’ve gotten together a long time ago instead of dancing around this,” he motions between us, “for all these years.”
Collin nudges Marmalade off his lap and the cat meows in protest. He grabs my face and kisses me with a passion I didn’t know existed. It’s the kind of kiss that makes you react. My reaction is to crawl into his lap and pull his shirt off.
“We shouldn’t rush, remember?” he reminds me as he kisses down my neck, his hands slipping underneath my shirt and tugging it higher and higher despite his words.
“We’re not. We’re catching up. Please, Collin.”
That seems to completely break his resolve as he stands and carries me to his bedroom. We fall onto the bed together and Collin stops for a moment. His mouth parts, but no words are said. This moment feels impossibly huge and life-changing. The air we’re breathing seems to be electric and on the verge of lifting us up to float around like it does. “I’m going to marry you one day, Julie.” I don’t know if I gasp or stop breathing altogether. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“You’ve never given up on me, and you’ve even rescued me a few times. I won’t give up on you. If we break, we’ll figure out a way to put us back together and we’ll be stronger. Let’s focus on the here and now for the time being.” I wrap my arms around his neck. He allows me to bring those lips back to mine.
Tonight will officially change the dynamic of our relationship and I can’t wait to experience every second of that change.
Waking up with a naked Julie sprawled over my body does crazy things to me. It’s proof last night actually happened and I didn’t dream up the best night of my life. Finally being with Julie was pure perfection. It was better than anything I’ve ever experienced. We fit together seamlessly. I could live off the memories of last night for the rest of my life and be as satisfied as a man could be without having the real thing.
Marmalade saunters into my room and jumps onto the bed. I might not like the cat, but there’s something relaxing about him. As I scratch under his chin, Julie turns her head and kisses my chest.
“Morning, Collin.”
“Good morning. Sleep well?”
“Yes. You?” She glances up at me with a bit of concern.
“No complaints from me. Are you hungry?”
“Let’s stay here for a while longer.” She manages to cuddle closer. “You seem very perky this morning.” Her leg moves down slightly and bumps into my erection.
I laugh. “You aren’t allowed to call my dick perky. It’s offensive to all of mankind, and yes, that includes women.” My hand leaves Marmalade to rest on Julie’s thigh. “It seems unbelievable, doesn’t it? That last night happened, we’re both here and naked, and we’re talking about my perky dick.”
Julie laughs a little as she draws circles on my stomach. “It seems like the world finally righted itself and started turning in the right direction,” she replies softly.
She’s right. It feels like that. How can things finally be on the right track with Julie, but feel like they’re fracturing when it comes to Cal? There are dozens of questions I want to ask him. Why didn’t he tell me about what happened with her? Why did he do what he did? What else is he keeping from me?
Then again, I can’t get too high and mighty in that respect. I don’t tell him anything about Julie and he doesn’t know about my latest medication change. The latter, however, isn’t something he has to know. That’s my decision to make. Which is probably what Cal thought. But if I thought I (almost) knocked a woman up, my brother would be the first to know.
“You were just a happy man,” Julie says, lifting her head to look at me again. “What happened?”
“I was thinking about Cal.” There’s no reason to deny it, so I admit it.
“We’re supposed to be free of him for a few days, remember?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m going to make breakfast.” With a little bit of reluctance, I leave her in bed and hopefully, leave my thoughts behind as well. Getting out of bed is a bit of a bad idea, though. I want to crawl right back beneath my sheets instead of getting dressed and searching through my own fucking kitchen for what I need. “Jules!” I shout. “What the fuck have you done to my kitchen? I can’t find anything!”
The irritation I feel right now is unreasonable. I know so, but controlling it feels beyond my reach. This new medication might not be a good fit, but I try to wait the full two weeks for it to get in my system good before saying anything. Unless I have a drastic reaction, of course. But wanting to slam cabinet doors closed and open drawers just to slam them closed again because my new lady is staying with me for a little while and has already fucked up my system sounds like an overreaction.
“What are you looking for?” Julie asks as she walks into the kitchen wearing some slinky-looking black robe.
“My little griddle. I want to make pancakes. I need my whisk too. Who gave you permission to rearrange my kitchen?” I snap.
She opens a cabinet I hadn’t checked yet. “I didn’t mean to,” she replies softly, but firmly. “I forgot where things went and you weren’t here for me to ask.”
Fuck this. I’m not waiting my two full weeks. I haven’t felt like myself since I started and it’s obviously not helping me. Julie places everything I need on the counter. She’s about to walk away from me, but I grab her wrist and sigh. She’s the last person who deserves to be treated the way I just treated her.
“I’m sorry, Jules. Will you get this started? I’m going to call my psychiatrist.”
“Yeah, of course.” She kisses the corner of my mouth and walks around me while I head to my room and close the door behind me.
A perk to being a pro athlete with an insane schedule is that I don’t always need an appointment with my psychiatrist. He’s an ass, though, and I say that in the nicest way possible. He already forced me to make an appointment to come in soon, but he’s going to be adamant I come in now that I’m wanting yet another med change.
After waiting a few minutes, I’m able to talk to him and tell him what’s been going on since I started the new medication.
“We’ll try something else, but I want to see you this week,” Dr. Gressley says.
“What the fuck for?”
“Because that’s how these things are supposed to work and I happen to know you’re on a bye week. I can tell a lot just by looking at you. You’re making an appointment,” he tells me.
“I look like shit because I feel like shit. You don’t need to see me when I just told you and you’ll make me come in after I’ve been on the new med for a month.”
“If you want the prescription, you’ll come in, and if you miss the appointment, I’ll make a call to the team doctor.”
See? He’s an ass.
“I’ll be there.”<
br />
“Good. I’ll transfer the call back to my receptionist and have the prescription called in within the hour.”
I make the stupid appointment and then add it to my calendar with a reminder. The last thing I want to do is miss the appointment and have him reach out to the team. It’s bad enough I have to see him when I do. Why I couldn’t be like Cal in this respect and not have anything wrong with me, I don’t know. What happened to being identical? Why was I the lucky one to be burdened with an anxiety disorder?
Sometimes, on the extremely hard days, I wonder how I’m supposed to live with this suffocating issue for the rest of my life. I don’t know anyone else with this problem. How the fuck do they cope? Is there a way to cope? To manage this beast that doesn’t want to be managed? It’s like a wild horse that can’t be tamed no matter how hard you try.
My shoulders cave forward as I realize that the rest of my life will be a series of some highs, hopefully with Julie, and some hard fucking lows, which will come more often than I’d like. The smell of bacon brings my mind fully to the woman in the kitchen. Sure, she knows some of what I go through because I’ll talk about it with her. But she’s never had to live with it. Does she know what she’s getting herself into? What if it breaks our relationship in two because it’s more than she can handle? Why didn’t I think to warn her before last night?
I cover my face with my hands, my elbows propped on my knees, and try to remind myself that Julie isn’t stupid. She had to have some idea of what she was walking into with me. If not, she got a good dose this morning with the kitchen fiasco.
There’s a light knock on the bedroom door before Julie pushes it open. “Are you okay?”
I shrug. “Dr. Gressley wants me to come see him this week.” She walks over, moves my arm, and sits on my lap. Her mouth opens, but I need to ask my question. “Do you know what you’re getting into, Jules?”
Where We Belong (Carolina Rebels Book 8) Page 5
