“Jules,” I hear my favorite voice along with a few sets of footsteps. “They ran you off already?” he asks with disappointment.
“Pretty much,” Sydney answers for me. “You shouldn’t have left her.”
“It’s okay,” I quickly say, standing and plastering on a smile. I don’t want Collin worrying about me right now. Not with this. “We should get back to the party.”
Collin eyes me carefully before holding out his hand. “Do you want to go home or head back out?”
“They didn’t scare me off.” That’s the truth. It’s also the absolute right answer because Collin grins before tugging me through the house and back to the swarm of people.
It seems the women aren’t congregated together anymore. Not without their men by their sides at least. When we approach the group I not long ago left, the man with Sylvia speaks to me.
“She’s uncontrollable a lot of the time, but she’s worse right now from where she was on bedrest. Ignore her or tell her to shut up; she won’t be offended.”
I glance at Sylvia who nods and shrugs.
“There’s only one question we’re all dying to ask you now.”
Great. I’m still the topic of discussion. “What is it?”
“How did you know it was Cal and not Collin a while ago?”
Collin looks at me with a curious expression, obviously having no idea that I’ve interacted with his brother. I mock Sylvia’s shrug and reply, “I told you they aren’t identical.”
They all stare at me dumbfounded now. I’m telling them identical twins aren’t identical and they don’t understand how. That’s not my problem, though.
“How can you easily tell them apart?” Brayden asks with genuine curiosity.
“Spend enough time with them and it’s easy.”
“How are we different?” Cal asks, catching onto our conversation and sitting on the edge of the table. His eyes hold a bit of a challenge, but his tone tells me he doesn’t care about this answer at all. His brother, on the other hand, stands next to me with bated breath.
“Aside from physically?” I perk an eyebrow and smile because I know the girls already think one of them is different than the other in this particular area. Cal stares and waits. “There are subtle but obvious differences, even in your voices. For example, if I was behind a closed door and you tried to get me to open it, pretending to be Collin, I can tell it’s you by your voice. Not just based on how you talk to me.”
Cal’s eyes squint a little, but Collin chuckles. “And one of you obviously has a better personality.”
The people at the picnic tables laugh. Lucky for me, a kid runs up to the table and distracts everyone. Being part of Collin’s world in this way never really occurred to me. It’s been the two of us for so long. Just us as we hide away from Cal and the rest of the world for one reason or another. I almost miss that. I miss having him to myself and not having to share. I could care less if he shares me with anyone, shows me off. I’m much more selfish about my time with him.
Now that we are dating and it’s not a secret, selfishness will have to be a thing of the past. He has too many people who care for him. Who need him around. Those people want to drag me into their world too and I don’t know if I want it. Can I have Collin without hockey sucking me in as well? It does enough to Collin. I don’t want it taking me in too.
Before we leave, I’ve already been asked to come to lunch and if I’d be willing to help with any fundraising the spouses do.
My selfish heart only hears offers from people who want time with me away from Collin. That is the last thing I want to do, especially right now. Not even considering what Collin is going through, but we are finally a couple. Why would I want to give up couple time to spend with these people? If I separate myself from them, will Collin be okay with that or will he want me to integrate myself as he has?
I’ve never really been the social type. Not the kind that has a ton of friends. Or even more than two close friends. I had one friend in high school and the Kessy twins. In college, I found a best friend and kept Collin. My circle is super small, just the way I like it.
Collin’s is huge. Maybe he can keep his circle and I can have mine, neither having to converge or overlap.
A girl can dream, right?
“This is bullshit,” I huff while leaning back in my seat in Trace’s office. “All I want to do is play, and that damn sports psychologist makes it seem like I won’t ever do it.”
“What happened?” he asks, calm as ever.
I had my first session with my other shrink this morning and I’ve been agitated ever since. “He’s stupid, that’s what happened.” I power on to what’s bugging me the most. “He thinks Cal is my problem.” Trace’s eyebrows shoot up. “Exactly! We’re a force on the ice. One of the reasons management loves us is because we play so well together.”
“Then why does he think Cal is your problem?” he asks.
“Because Cal is doing better than me this season, and obviously, right now. He thinks I’ve compared myself to him so much that it’s fucking with my confidence and my play. It’s bullshit. He goes back and tells the team that and I won’t be playing with my brother.”
“How important is that to you?”
My fingers curl and dig into my jeans with his question. “He helps me manage my anxiety, so it’s important.”
“Okay. That’s good. What do you think is your actual problem?”
This is the part I don’t want to talk about. I know where things started going downhill for me with hockey; it’s fucking embarrassing. Cal would never make such a mistake. Only the dumbass twin would.
“Collin?” Trace urges.
“I scored on Savage, my own goalie. And then I kept fucking up and the pressure not to kept building, but that just made it worse.”
He’s quiet for far longer than I’d prefer, and when he speaks again, his question surprises me. “Do you trust yourself to handle your anxiety on your own? Without Julie or Cal?”
“We’re supposed to have a support system, aren’t we?” I ask with confusion, and to also avoid answering his question.
“As long as we don’t use it as a crutch. For some people, support systems can be like medication and they rely on them too much. The support system won’t always be there. Or be there in the exact moment when you need them. We have to learn how to handle tough situations on our own for those days when we have no other choice.”
“I’ll never be on my own, though,” I point out. “I’ll always have Cal.”
Trace nods and decides to change the subject, not that I mind. “How are things with Julie?”
“Good. She has a job now. So I get to stay at the house with a stupid cat by myself.” I would never say so, but I’d hate life even more if it wasn’t for Marmalade. I never realized how much he keeps me company until I was without Julie and hockey during the day.
“And your anxiety?”
I shrug. “I’m antsy feeling all the time.” I share that I’ve started running with Brayden again, because he threatened me if I didn’t, and the pathetic practicing I do get. The team is about to go on a road trip. The first one I won’t be on. I’ve never been so jealous of Cal as I am right now. The only thing holding me together is the fact that I keep reminding myself I can spend that time with Julie and Julie alone. But it’ll still suck because she’s found her a job, so my days will be spent with Marmalade. “I’ve become a whiner,” I blurt out. “Nothing is good enough, satisfying enough, because I’m not playing. I should be on top of the world right now because I’m finally in a relationship with Julie, but I keep finding shit to bitch about because it’s not enough.”
When did I become an ungrateful asshole?
Without waiting to see what Trace will say, I stand. “I’m done for today.” This is the last place I want to be and he’s not the person I want to discuss this with. Julie is who I need. Not that I can speak with her right now; she’s working.
With the limited bri
ght side I can see, I am glad Jules has a job. She’s been happier since she’s had something to look forward to every day. We all like to have a purpose. She has hers with her job. Plus, she’s trying to fix me. And I say that in the nicest way possible. She doesn’t ask me about my day when she gets home because she knows I’ll only gripe. She helps with whatever is left to do with dinner while telling me about her day. Not once does she mention hockey. She has gotten it in her head that it plays too big a role in my life. As if that’s possible.
She will even get up and leave the room if Cal’s and my conversation lasts too long for her taste. It actually bothers me a bit. She’s always been supportive until now. At least, it kind of feels that way. She was invited out with the women; I’ve never seen her reject someone so fast. Maybe it’s because of how things went at the last get-together.
My mind swirls, obsessing over how to make my two worlds come together cohesively, until Julie gets home. Marmalade stands on my lap. His tail sways and he watches her drop her things on the table by the door, toe out of her shoes, and walk over to me.
“You haven’t started dinner? Shame on you,” she tsks with a smile. Julie sits next to me and Marmalade saunters to her lap, already purring.
“Why didn’t you want to go out with the women when they asked you?”
Julie looks at me, her smile gone. “What?”
“You heard me,” I gently reply. “Is it because of what happened at the party?”
She angles toward me. “Collin, we’ve known each other a long time. During that time, you can count on one hand the number of friends I’ve had. My circle is small, always has been. Your circle is huge. I don’t know what to do with that.”
Oh. Well, that makes sense. She was likely overwhelmed. Julie isn’t the kind of social person who has a ton of friends; I consider myself the same way, but it’s different with hockey and with the team. It just is.
“You’re not mad, are you?” she asks.
“No. I wanted to understand why. Maybe you can make friends with at least one of them, then? You should have someone else here besides me and your new co-workers, Jules.”
She stares at me for a minute before nodding. “I can try.”
I smile, happy to hear it. “Sydney or Raelynn or Deanna would be your best bets. I’d try Deanna first.”
Julie laughs. “Help me remember who they are, Collin. Of course I know Deanna.”
“Sydney was the one who you met while you were on the porch at the party; Raelynn dates EJ. She used to be his nanny.”
The only one I can’t really match the name to her face is Raelynn. “Set me up on a playdate with whomever you’d like, Collin.”
I grin. “Thank you.” I give her a quick kiss. “And I know I’ve moped around lately; I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“You’re going through a tough time; it’s understandable.”
“I know, but I could handle it a little better.” I rest my forehead against hers. “You going to keep me in check?”
“Haven’t I always?”
With the team on an away trip, my anxiety takes another nosedive. My phone stays glued to my hand. Articles about the team are almost always up and ready for me to devour. The team has gained some stride; doing well right now. Is that because I’m not with them? Was I what was causing our team to fail? Thinking like this isn’t doing me any good, I know, but there is nothing else for me to do.
This doesn’t even touch on the few writers who still talk about me. Where am I? How long will I be out exactly? A new fire has been lit because I was spotted on the ice two days ago by someone. All I wanted to do was get some ice time in. Someone had to ruin it by saying that there appeared to be nothing wrong with me at all, which brings into question whether the team is being honest with the media. It’s a bunch of bullshit.
We do share one question in common, though: when will Collin Kessy be back on the ice? I ask my stupid sports psychologist at our next session. His answer pisses me off. “When you’re ready.”
“I’m ready now,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and asks me once again how I feel about having hardships with hockey when Cal isn’t having any trouble. I might be the one with problems, but he’s the psycho. He tells me flat-out that he thinks I compare myself to Cal too much. We’re twins. We’re the same. What’s to compare?
“Another bad day?” Julie asks when she gets home from work later that day.
“Yeah. Now he thinks I compare myself to Cal way too much.”
Julie averts her gaze and showers Marmalade with a tad too much attention. I still wait for her response, but it quickly becomes apparent I won’t get one. “You think that too? Why?” I ask, my voice swirling with hurt and confusion.
Her eyes cut to mine in a heartbeat. “I don’t know if compare is the right word for it.” Julie sighs and drags her feet as she decides to come sit next to me. “You put him on a pedestal.” She makes a face of disgust. “Cal is the one without any problems,” she begins in a mocking tone. “Cal is the good one. Cal is the better one. Why can’t I be like Cal? We’re supposed to be identical, so why aren’t we?” She fakes a gag. “You think he’s better than you and you’re always trying to catch up; you think you can’t live your life without him. That’s a crock of bullshit, Collin, and you’d know that if you’d open your eyes.”
Before I can get a word in, she continues, full of a fire I didn’t know she had in her. “What about when you retire, Collin? Am I supposed to live in the same town as Cal for the rest of my life? What if Cal meets a woman who wants to live in another state than you? Will you guilt trip him into staying nearby? You’re twins and you have a special bond; I understand that, but you are two separate people and at some point, you have to stop wondering why you have a harder life than Cal. Maybe it’s because the powers that be knew you could handle it and he can’t.”
I don’t know what to focus on first, but I find something to say anyway. “You think I handle my anxiety?”
She grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Yes, Collin. And trust me, as frustrated as Cal gets with you, there’s no way he could do it.” Julie takes a deep breath. “Look, I know you two are great on the ice, but you are great by yourself too.” A crooked smile lifts her lips. “Maybe not right now because you’re having a hard time, but aside from that, absolutely.” Believe it or not, I laugh. “I know you don’t like him, but the shrink is right. You compare yourself to your brother too much.”
My two weeks is almost up, but it doesn’t appear as if I’ll be back on the ice any time soon. My head has more issues than I thought.
There’s a knock on the door. Julie hops up to answer it. A person on the other side hands her a package, which is odd because it’s late to be delivering, but they must have been running late. Then I notice Julie is frozen in the doorway. Her head is bowed, eyes on the package.
“Julie?”
She jumps a mile high and drops the package.
“What’s the matter with you?” I ask, standing and picking up the box for her since all she can do is stare at it.
“Nothing. Sorry.” She snatches the delivery. “It’s just from my parents. I need some privacy to open it.” And then she runs into my bedroom and slams the door behind her.
Well, that wasn’t weird at all.
No. No, no, no, no. This cannot be happening! How did he find me? And so quickly! This is disastrous. I left Florida because of this crazy asshole and now he’s come to North Carolina for me. The box sits in my lap, taunting me with what is likely a sickening item that is supposed to be a gift. This is going to ruin everything.
Do I open the box? What good will come from it? Can I even stay in North Carolina now? Should I tell Collin the truth about what really happened? Now is obviously not the best time to tell him that I left home because I was trying to escape a stalker. He got his hands on me once, I shudder at the memory, and I don’t need that to happen again.
The timing sucks for me to tell Collin. Not
to mention the fact that I’ve already lied to him. More than once, too, because I didn’t tell him about the issue in the first place. I’ve been lying to him for a year. That will not go over well.
In the end, I decide to stuff the box in the closet. I don’t need to know what’s in it. Plus, I’m supposed to have dinner with Deanna tonight. Collin did actually set me up on a playdate. Good heavens. What if we go out in public? I’ll have to constantly look over my shoulder for him. Dwight. Thinking his name causes me to shiver. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. To have some horror story come to life like it’s right out of a Criminal Minds episode.
Only I’m not dead.
Yet.
The light knock on the bedroom door startles me so much I gasp and my heart races. “Jules? Deanna is here.”
With a deep steadying breath, I open the door and force a smile. “Great. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” I ask, though it’s a bad idea knowing Dwight is out there.
“I’ll be fine here.”
He nudges me to where Deanna awaits with a smile. We exchange hellos and then are on our way. My gaze flits to every crook and nanny as if Dwight might stuff his body there, waiting to jump out and grab me.
“Is everything okay, Julie?” Deanna asks once we get into her car. “You seem tense. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Collin just said he wanted you to make friends and I had a leg up.” She laughs a little as she backs out of her parking space.
“I’m fine. Sorry; there’s a lot on my mind.”
“How is he doing, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“He’s making progress. I think he’ll need to be back on the ice soon for him to truly feel better.”
She nods as if she understands. “Brayden had a concussion not too long ago.” Deanna shakes her head. “He was such a grump. It’s like they lose part of themselves when they can’t play. It’s harder for Brayden because the r-word comes around him every so often.”
Where We Belong (Carolina Rebels Book 8) Page 10
