JANUARY 16TH. Is it only a day since I saw you, Dear Dairy? Can so much have happened in the single lapse of a few hours? I look in my mirror, and I look much as before, only with perhaps a touch of paller. Who would not be pale?
I have seen HIM again, and there is no longer any doubt in my heart. Page Beresford is atractive, and if it were not for circumstances as they are I would not anser for the consequences. But things ARE as they are. There is no changing that. And I have reid my own heart.
I am not fickel. On the contrary, I am true as steal.
I have put his Picture under my mattress, and have given Jane my gold cuff pins to say nothing when she makes my bed. And now, with the house full of People downstairs acting in a flippent and noisy maner, I shall record how it all happened.
My finantial condition was not improved this morning, father having not returned. But I knew that I must see the Play, as mentioned above, even if it became necesary to borow from Hannah. At last, seeing no other way, I tried this, but failed.
"What for?" she said, in a suspicous way."
"I need it terrably, Hannah," I said.
"You'd ought to get it from your mother, then, Miss Barbara. The last time I gave you some you paid it back in postage stamps, and I haven't written a letter since. They're all stuck together now, and a totle loss."
"Very well," I said, fridgidly. "But the next time you break anything----"
"How much do you want?" she asked.
I took a quick look at her, and I saw at once that she had desided to lend it to me and then run and tell mother, beginning, "I think you'd ought to know, Mrs. Archibald----"
"Nothing doing, Hannah," I said, in a most dignafied manner. "But I think you are an old Clam, and I don't mind saying so."
I was now thrown on my own resourses, and very bitter. I seemed to have no Friends, at a time when I needed them most, when I was, as one may say, "standing with reluctent feet, where the brook and river meet."
Tonight I am no longer sick of Life, as I was then. My throws of anguish have departed. But I was then uterly reckless, and even considered running away and going on the stage myself.
I have long desired a Career for mvself, anyhow. I have a good mind, and learn easily, and I am not a Paracite. The idea of being such has always been repugnent to me, while the idea of a few dollars at a time doaled out to one of independant mind is galling. And how is one to remember what one has done with one's Allowence, when it is mostly eaten up by Small Lones, Carfare, Stamps, Church Collection, Rose Water and Glicerine, and other Mild Cosmetics, and the aditional Food necesary when one is still growing?
To resume, Dear Dairy; having uterly failed with Hannah, and having shortly after met Sis on the stairs, I said to her, in a sisterly tone, intimite rather than fond:
"I darsay you can lend me five dollars for a day or so."
"I darsay I can. But I won't," was her cruel reply.
"Oh, very well," I said breifly. But I could not refrain from making a grimase at her back, and she saw me in a mirror.
"When I think," she said heartlessly, "that that wreched school may be closed for weeks, I could scream."
"Well, scream!" I replied. "You'll scream harder if I've brought the meazles home on me. And if you're laid up, you can say good-bye to the Dishonorable. You've got him tide, maybe," I remarked, "but not thrown as yet."
(A remark I had learned from one of the girls, Trudie Mills, who comes from Montana.)
I was therfore compeled to dispose of my silver napkin ring from school. Jane was bought up, she said, and I sold it to the cook for fifty cents and half a minse pie although baked with our own materials.
All my Fate, therfore, hung on a paltrey fifty cents.
I was torn with anxiety. Was it enough? Could I, for fifty cents, steel away from the sordid cares of life, and lose myself in obliviousness, gazing only it his dear Face, listening to his dear and softly modulited Voice, and wondering if, as his eyes swept the audiance, they might perchance light on me and brighten with a momentary gleam in their unfathomable Depths? Only this and nothing more, was my expectation.
How diferent was the reality!
Having ascertained that there was a matinee, I departed at an early hour after luncheon, wearing my blue velvet with my fox furs. White gloves and white topped shoes completed my outfit, and, my own CHAPEAU showing the effect of a rainstorm on the way home from church while away at school, I took a chance on one of Sis's, a perfectly madening one of rose-colored velvet. As the pink made me look pale, I added a touch of rouge.
I looked fully out, and indeed almost Second Season. I have a way of assuming a serious and Mature manner, so that I am frequently taken for older than I realy am. Then, taking a few roses left from the decorations, and thrusting them carelessly into the belt of my coat, I went out the back door, as Sis was getting ready for some girls to Bridge, in the front of the house.
Had I felt any greif at decieving my Familey, the bridge party would have knocked them. For, as usual, I had not been asked, although playing a good game myself, and having on more than one occasion won most of the money in the Upper House at school.
I was early at the theater. No one was there, and women were going around taking covers off the seats. My fifty cents gave me a good seat, from which I opined, alas, that the shop girl had been right and busness was rotten. But at last, after hours of waiting, the faint tuning of musicle instruments was heard.
From that time I lived in a daze. I have never before felt so strange. I have known and respected the Other Sex, and indeed once or twise been kissed by it. But I had remained Cold. My Pulses had never flutered. I was always conserned only with the fear that others had overseen and would perhaps tell. But now--I did not care who would see, if only Adrian would put his arms about me. Divine shamlessness! Brave Rapture! For if one who he could not possably love, being so close to her in her make-up, if one who was indeed employed to be made Love to, could submit in public to his embrases, why should not I, who would have died for him?
These were my thoughts as the Play went on. The hours flew on joyous feet. When Adrian came to the footlights and looking aparently square at me, declaimed: "The World owes me a living. I will have it," I almost swooned. His clothes were worn. He looked hungry and ghaunt. But how true that
"Rags are royal raimant, when worn for virtue's sake."
(I shall stop here and go down to the Pantrey. I could eat no dinner, being filled with emotion. But I must keep strong if I am to help Adrian in his Trouble. The minse pie was excelent, but after all pastrey does not take the place of solid food.)
LATER: I shall now go on with my recitle. As the theater was almost emty, at the end of Act One I put on the pink hat and left it on as though absent-minded. There was no one behind me. And, although during Act One I had thought that he perhaps felt my presense, he had not once looked directly at me.
But the hat captured his erant gaze, as one may say. And, after capture, it remained on my face, so much so that I flushed and a woman. sitting near with a very plain girl in a Skunk Coller, observed:
"Realy, it is outragous."
Now came a moment which I thrill even to recolect. For Adrian plucked a pink rose from a vase--he was in the Milionaire' s house, and was starving in the midst of luxury--and held it to his lips.
The rose, not the house, of course. Looking over it, he smiled down at me.
LATER: It is midnight. I cannot sleep. Perchanse he to is lieing awake. I am sitting at the window in my ROBE DE NUIT. Below, mother and Sis have just come in, and Smith has slamed the door of the car and gone back to the GARAGE. How puney is the life my Familey leads! Nothing but eating and playing, with no Higher Thoughts.
A man has just gone by. For a moment I thought I recognised the footstep. But no, it was but the night watchman.
JANUARY 17TH. Father still away. No money, as mother absolutely refuses on account of Maidie Mackenzie's gown, which she had to send away to be repaired.
JANUARY
18TH. Father still away. The Hon. sent Sis a huge bunch of orkids today. She refused me even one. She is always tight with flowers and candy.
JANUARY 19TH. The paper says that Adrian's Play is going to close the end of next week. No busness. How can I endure to know that he is sufering, and that I cannot help, even to the extent of buying one ticket? Matinee today, and no money. Father still away.
I have tried to do a kind Deed today, feeling that perhaps it would soften mother's heart and she would advance my Allowence. I offered to manacure her nails for her, but she refused, saying that as Hannah had done it for many years, she guessed she could manage now.
JANUARY 2OTH. Today I did a desparate thing, dear Dairy.
"The desparatest is the wisest course." Butler.
It is Sunday. I went to Church, and thought things over. What a wonderfull thing it would be if I could save the play! Why should I feel that my Sex is a handycap?
The recter preached on "The Opportunaties of Women." The Sermon gave me courage to go on. When he said, "Women today step in where men are afraid to tred, and bring success out of failure," I felt that it was meant for me.
Had no money for the Plate, and mother atempted to smugle a half dollar to me. I refused, however, as if I cannot give my own money to the Heathen, I will give none. Mother turned pale, and the man with the plate gave me a black look. What can he know of my reasons?
Beresford lunched with us, and as I discouraged him entirely, he was very atentive to Sis. Mother is planing a big Wedding, and I found Sis in the store room yesterday looking up mother's wedding veil.
No old stuff for me.
I guess Beresford is trying to forget that he kissed my hand the other night, for he called me "Little Miss Barbara" today, meaning little in the sense of young. I gave him a stern glanse.
"I am not any littler than the other night," I observed.
"That was merely an afectionate diminutive," he said, looking uncomfortable.
"If you don't mind," I said coldly, "you might do as you have hertofore--reserve vour afectionate advances until we are alone."
"Barbara!" mother said. And began quickly to talk about a Lady Somthing or other we'd met on a train in Switzerland. Because--they can talk until they are black in the face, dear Dairy, but it is true we do not know any of the British Nobilaty, except the aforementioned and the man who comes once a year with flavering extracts, who says he is the third son of a Barronet.
Every one being out this afternoon, I suddenly had an inspiration, and sent for Carter Brooks. I then put my hair up and put on my blue silk, because while I do not beleive in Woman using her femanine charm when talking busness, I do beleive that she should look her best under any and all circumstances.
He was rather surprized not to find Sis in, as I had used her name in telephoning.
"I did it," I explained, "because I knew that you felt no interest in me, and I had to see you."
He looked at me, and said:
"I'm rather flabergasted, Bab. I--what ought I to say, anyhow?"
He came very close, dear Dairy, and sudenly I saw in his eyes the horible truth. He thought me in Love with him, and sending for him while the Familey was out.
Words cannot paint my agony of Soul. I stepped back, but he siezed my hand, in a caresing gesture.
"Bab!" he said. "Dear little Bab!"
Had my afections not been otherwise engaged, I should have thriled at his accents. But, although handsome and of good familey, although poor, I could not see it that way.
So I drew my hand away, and retreated behind a sofa.
"We must have an understanding, Carter" I Said. "I have sent for you, but not for the reason you seem to think. I am in desparate Trouble."
He looked dumfounded.
"Trouble!" he said. "You! Why, little Bab"
"If you don't mind," I put in, rather petishly, because of not being little, "I wish you would treat me like almost a DEBUTANTE, if not entirely. I am not a child in arms."
"You are sweet enough to be, if the arms might be mine."
I have puzled over this, since, dear Dairy. Because there must be some reason why men fall in Love with me. I am not ugly, but I am not beautifull, my noze being too short. And as for clothes, I get none except Leila's old things. But Jane Raleigh says there are women like that. She has a couzin who has had four Husbands and is beginning on a fifth, although not pretty and very slovenly, but with a mass of red hair.
Are all men to be my Lovers?
"Carter," I said earnestly, "I must tell you now that I do not care for you--in that way."
"What made you send for me, then?"
"Good gracious!" I exclaimed, losing my temper somwhat. "I can send for the ice man without his thinking I'm crazy about him, can't I?"
"Thanks."
"The truth is," I said, sitting down and motioning him to a seat in my maturest manner, "I--I want some money. There are many things, but the Money comes first."
He just sat and looked at me with his mouth open.
"Well," he said at last, "of course--I suppose you know you've come to a Bank that's gone into the hands of a reciever. But aside from that, Bab, it's a pretty mean trick to send for me and let me think--well, no matter about that. How much do you want?"
"I can pay it back as soon as father comes home," I said, to releive his mind. It is against my principals to borow money, especialy from one who has little or none. But since I was doing it, I felt I might as well ask for a lot.
"Could you let me have ten dollars?" I said, in a faint tone.
He drew a long breath.
"Well, I guess yes," he observed. "I thought you were going to touch me for a hundred, anyhow. I--I suppose you wouldn't give me a kiss and call it square."
I considered. Because after all, a kiss is not much, and ten dollars is a good deal. But at last my better nature won out.
"Certainly not," I said coldly. "And if there is a String to it I do not want it."
So he apologised, and came and sat beside me, without being a nusance, and asked me what my other troubles were.
"Carter" I said, in a grave voice, "I know that you beleive me young and incapable of Afection. But you are wrong. I am of a most loving disposition."
"Now see here, Bab," he said. "Be fair. If I am not to hold your hand, or--or be what you call a nusance, don't talk like this. I am but human," he said, "and there is somthing about you lately that-- well, go on with your story. Only, as I say, don't try me to far."
"It's like this," I explained. "Girls think they are cold and distant, and indeed, frequently are"
"Frequently!"
"Until they meet the Right One. Then they learn that their hearts are, as you say, but human."
"Bab," he said, sudenly turning and facing me, "an awfull thought has come to me. You are in Love--and not with me!"
"I am in Love, and not with you," I said in tradgic tones.
I had not thought he would feel it deeply--because of having been interested in Leila since they went out in their Perambulaters together. But I could see it was a shock to him. He got up and stood looking in the fire, and his shoulders shook with greif.
"So I have lost you," he said in a smothered voice. And then--"Who is the sneaking schoundrel?"
I forgave him this, because of his being upset, and in a rapt attatude I told him the whole story. He listened, as one in a daze.
"But I gather," he said, when at last the recitle was over, "that you have never met the--met him."
"Not in the ordinery use of the word," I remarked. "But then it is not an ordinery situation. We have met and we have not. Our eyes have spoken, if not our vocal chords." Seeing his eyes on me I added, "if you do not beleive that Soul can cry unto Soul, Carter, I shall go no further."
"Oh!" he exclaimed. "There is more, is there? I trust it is not painfull, because I have stood as much as I can now without breaking down."
"Nothing of which I am ashamed," I said, rising to my full height. "I have come to y
ou for help, Carter. THAT PLAY MUST NOT FAIL."
We faced each other over those vitle words--faced, and found no solution.
"Is it a good Play?" he asked, at last.
"It is a beautiful Play. Oh, Carter, when at the end he takes his Sweetheart in his arms--the leading lady, and not at all atractive. Jane Raleigh says that the star generaly HATES his leading lady--there is not a dry eye in the house."
"Must be a jolly little thing. Well, of course I'm no theatricle manager, but if it's any good there's only one way to save it. Advertize. I didn't know the piece was in town, which shows that the publicaty has been rotten."
He began to walk the floor. I don't think I have mentioned it, but that is Carter's busness. Not walking the floor. Advertizing. Father says he is quite good, although only beginning.
"Tell me about it," he said.
So I told him that Adrian was a mill worker, and the villain makes him lose his position, by means of forjery. And Adrian goes to jail, and comes out, and no one will give him work. So he prepares to blow up a Milionaire's house, and his sweetheart is in it. He has been to the Milionaire for work and been refused and thrown out, saying, just before the butler and three footmen push him through a window, in dramatic tones, "The world owes me a living and I will have it."
"Socialism!" said Carter. "Hard stuff to handle for the two dollar seats. The world owes him a living. Humph! Still, that's a good line to work on. Look here, Bab, give me a little time on this, eh what? I may be able to think of a trick or two. But mind, not a word to any one."
He started out, but he came back.
"Look here," he said. "Where do we come in on this anyhow? Suppose I do think of somthing--what then? How are we to know that your beloved and his manager will thank us for buting in, or do what we sugest?"
Again I drew myself to my full heighth.
"I am a person of iron will when my mind is made up," I said. "You think of somthing, Carter, and I'll see that it is done."
He gazed at me in a rapt manner.
"Dammed if I don't beleive you," he said.
It is now late at night. Beresford has gone. The house is still. I take the dear Picture out from under my mattress and look at it.
The Best of Mary Roberts Rinehart Page 162
